5 Ways to Replace Monday Night Football During the NFL Lockout

The draft is over. The lockout continues. As of right now, we got no football. I’m getting cold sweats just thinking about it. But there’s another group that stands to lose if there’s no football this fall besides the coaches, players, and NFL fans — TV networks.

Without football, they’ll have to find someway to fill time on Sundays and Monday nights, and “Two and a Half Men” marathons just won’t cut it.

So where are our options? I dove into the talented depths of YouTube to find what could be our 2011 replacement for football. Here’s what you could expect to see on the airwaves instead of your beloved Week 1 matchup.

1. Sloths doing human things

I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound that interesting at first, but once you see a sloth holding an umbrella like it’s expecting rain and looking at you with those slothy sloth eyes, you get it. And they can follow it up with a “Real Sloths of Orange County” or “Real Sloths of Dallas” once the first season has run its course. People love watching animals do things that humans do.

2. Babies who fear normal human behavior

Blowing your nose can sometimes be an uncomfortable experience. I’ve almost launched a lung through my nose on at least one occasion. So I get this baby’s irrational fear of his mother’s nose-blowing. But they’re going to have to do better than that if they want to carry the 18-45 male demo in this time slot.

3. Extreme Cooking with Epic Meal Time

Speaking of that 18-45 male demographic, here’s your real winner. Take a little bit from the Iron Chef playbook, a little bit from the fat man’s guide to continuing to be fat, and alcohol, and you get Epic Meal Time, a YouTube experience that just reminds you of the way momma used to cook. You know, before she stopped drinking…

4. Slow-motion modeling

I think we can safely say that they wouldn’t lose any viewership replacing football with this. Female fans would easily be replaced by an influx of former NFL fans who felt that TV never showed the cheerleaders enough.

5. The UFL

While it is the most logical replacement for true, NFL football, would you be satisfied by the UFL? Would Daunte Culpepper and Brooks Bollinger excite you as much as a Tom Brady and Peyton Manning showdown?

We can only hope. Until the lockout is over, these are some of our best options from the world of entertainment. Could we build a fantasy game on top of these? Of course! And if it was fantasy extreme cooking, I’m taking bacon first overall ten out of ten times.

Pick your poison. Which of these options would you choose to replace our beloved NFL football this season?

The League S02E09: Never Use Your Friend as an “Expert Witness”

We never have gotten to see the league members in their unnatural environment: their jobs. Sure, in Season 1, we saw Kevin and Ruxin negotiate a plea bargain and a trade of the No. 1 overall pick, but we never saw them in court.

Pete’s been in an office, but we’ve never seen him working. And Andre’s been seen in scrubs and in commercials, but he’s never performed a surgery on the show.

We’re in for a treat this week, as the league decided it was “Take Your Fantasy Football Leaguemates to Work” Week in “Expert Witness.”

Taco is at Kevin’s trial this morning. It seems his cable’s out so he’s subbing out “Judge Joe Brown” for Kevin’s workplace, plus popcorn. But Kevin won’t have it, and the judge will have even less.

At the bar, Ruxin explains his big case. A fugly got in a car accident, sued the brake company, and used the money to pay for her plastic surgery. Now, as a super hotty, she’s suing for emotional distress. It’s in the bag, or so Ruxin thinks. In Ruxin’s own words, they “paid for her own personal episode of The Swan.”

His secret weapon is his “work flirt,” the judge for this trial.

This launches a discussion of “work flirting” as a practice. Ruxin swears by it, but Kevin completely shut his “flirt thrusters” down when he got married. Pete explains that he “strained a testicle” by not keeping his flirt muscles active during his marriage. Sounds painful.

After that PSA from The League, I have to be a little worried. I’m engaged and my flirt thrusters are completely shut down. In fact, they have been for years. So hopefully, I’m never forced to spring them back into action. Am I the only one? Do any married guys out there have “flirt thrusters” on full throttle?

Hearing about Ruxin’s case, Andre adds that women who have plastic surgery lead better lives. It’s the discovery of the century: Hot women have it easy. Who knew?

In what will never be seen as his finest hour, Ruxin seizes the moment and asks Andre to be an expert witness in his case. Andre gets far, far too excited about it. First warning sign!

Andre proceeds to start a conversation about sausage places downtown, which gets Pete involved. If you’ve followed the show, you’ll know that Pete often likes to steal Andre’s thunder via one-upmanship or trade rape. He lets no moment pass when he might be able to make Andre feel like less of a man.

Pete claims his sausage joint is the best, and he invites the gang to eat at HIS place, his treat, so that they can see how right he is, which infuriates Andre to no end.

Back at home, Kevin finds out that Peyton Hillis is out this week. What?!? Oh, right. This is fictional. And it’s not like I own Peyton Hillis in any of my leagues anyway.

It’s not like I would care if he’s hurt and not racking up double-digit points for his owners this week in fantasy football. It’s not like I’M BITTER about that, after having thought of him as a great late-round sleeper and then neglecting to lock him up in the early part of the season. NOT. BITTER. AT. ALL.

But Kevin makes the mistake of revealing his need for a running back in front of Jenny, who happens to have the first priority on the waiver wire this week. Poor, poor Kevin. Never talk about your waiver wire needs in front of another owner unless you know, for certain, that they have a later pick than you. In fact, just never talk to another owner about the waiver wire.

Enter collusion. Kevin himself proposes a bribe: Good sex for Mike Bell, Hillis’ backup. Jenny counters by forcing Kevin to do all of Ellie’s thank you notes in order to earn the right to pick up Mike Bell. And it’s a deal.

By the way, did you notice how Jenny’s drinking a beer and holding the remote to the TV while Kevin sits on his laptop and begs for a draft pick in this scene? Clearly, Jenny wears the pants in this relationship…but we already knew that.

Back at the courthouse, Taco catches up with the courtroom artist to get a play-by-play of the day he missed. Ruxin ducks away from having to talk to him and runs right into his “work flirt,” the judge. He lays it on thick for her, as usual, before blowing off Taco and getting back to work.

At Kevin’s house, Ruxin and Kevin have Andre in Kevin’s mancave garage trying to talk him through how to be an expert witness. Andre wants to wear “To Catch A Predator” glasses, against the advice of Kevin and Ruxin. They have to coach him out of using “double guns,” to stop trying to play humble on the stand, and on how to tell the truth no matter what. But the pressure becomes too much for poor Andre. He goes into a blinking fit.

Jenny reminds Kevin to do Ellie’s thank you cards, and Kevin’s immediate acceptance makes Ruxin suspicious. Rightfully so. Ruxin goes on a rant and sniffs through Kevin’s computer, but no luck. He can’t even find an answer in Jenny’s underwear. Is everyone in this episode trying to come off like a sexual predator?

Andre confesses to Kevin that he needs a trade and reveals that he plans to persuade Taco to trade with him. Against all odds, he thinks his sexual predator powers can bend Taco to his will. *Shivers*

The gang gathers for pizza, and Andre brags about having eaten an entire “Wide Load” pizza. Pete, seeing another opportunity to steal thunder, asks Andre if he’s ever tried the “Holy Stromboli.” Pete claims that he’s eaten the entire thing. Twice.

Taco interrupts this sad little game to reveal his love affair with the courtroom artist. She drew him a sex sketch. Now he has to send her one of his own.

Brett Favre must have really good freehand skills.

In hopes of swaying Taco to trade, Andre volunteers to sketch Taco naked. Raising the stakes, Kevin volunteers Andre to shave Taco’s shaft for him since he’s done it as part of his job as a plastic surgeon. That’s the dark side of plastic surgery, kids.

In Ruxin’s office, Pete recognizes the brake lawsuit girl. She used to work in his office.

Pete wants a hook-up, but Ruxin, once again, has a not-so-great idea. He wants to put Pete on the stand as a second expert witness.

Ruxin, even I see how this one is going to fail.

When Taco shows up for his sketch, he finds Andre in a Professor X-looking head massager. It freaks Taco out, but Andre doesn’t have to do much to make that happen. (See: Nosferatu vs. Andre)

Andre dives further into the depths of super-creepy artist mode and sketches Taco down to his junk. It’s both magical and disturbing as they discuss the wilt and the bend of his member, but segueing right off of that horrific conversation, Andre pitches a trade to Taco. Having already logged into Taco’s account, Andre pulls out a laptop to seal the deal. It wasn’t too easy to crack Taco’s password since his team name is “Password is Taco.” Uncreative and easy to crack. Double foul.

The deal they strike is David Akers for Ray Rice, and Taco accepts. This trade is why we have to have vetoes, people. That’s a terrible deal. But it’s not my place to veto trades in The League.

In watching Andre make the trade, Taco brings his junk front and center in front of Andre’s face. It pains me to describe it in full detail, but Taco ends up giving Andre a shoulder massage from the front. So he does do something from the front after all…

When Pete comes in to pick up Andre for a movie, this massage scene Taco has trapped Andre in, of course, looks like a blow job. Game, set, match, Andre.

At the trial, Andre’s nervous, and Pete’s arrival to “steal his thunder” again doesn’t help him.

Ruxin takes the asshole approach to questioning the victim of the brake accident, otherwise known as being Ruxin. He plays it cool and tries to make her look like a hot girl complaining about the pains of being attractive. It works to an extent.

But the case really starts to come apart when Andre takes the stand claiming to be “Slim Shady” and employed as an “expert witness” with the double guns. Ah, the double guns. He even brings out the pedophile glasses and the pedophile jokes.

Andre’s pit stains don’t sway the jury as Ruxin had hoped.

So Ruxin moves swiftly to his next witness, Pete.

Pete’s testimony goes a little more smoothly until he admits to having called the plaintiff “Das Dinga” before her plastic surgery transformation, accented by Ruxin’s thing-like screech at the jury. So much for getting a date with the Das Dinga 2.0, Pete.

At the tail end of his testimony, Ruxin puts Pete on the spot about whether Kevin colluded with Jenny to get Mike Bell. Under oath, Pete can’t lie, and the court erupts with Kevin, Andre, Pete, and Ruxin screaming at each other.

Ruxin’s brought back to the judge’s chambers, and to win his trial, he’s asked to fulfill the flirtation he’s perpetuated with his “work flirt.”

Meanwhile, the courtroom artist tries to tell Taco that her husband is coming. Like with most things, Taco doesn’t connect the dots. When the husband storms in, he gets caught trying to slip out.

In trying to hit Taco, the husband throws a piece of evidence straight into Das Dinga’s new nose, and then chases Taco into the judge’s chambers, where the league finds “Dog Ruxin” taking his licks from the judge with a bone in his mouth.

At the end of an eventful day at the office, the gang takes Ruxin to prove he can eat the “Holy Stromboli” just like Pete did.

Turns out, Pete never did it. He just made it up to steal Andre’s thunder. Poor Andre.

Memorable quotes from Episode 9

RUXIN: “Dude, when you’re married, you have to keep a work flirt. It keeps the flirt muscles limber. Otherwise, you tense up. You could pop a hammy like Pete did when he got divorced.”

TACO: “If I ever got plastic surgery…ASIAN EYES.” [Pointing at his face]

ANDRE: “Ohhh, we’re gonna go out to lunch with my bro-bros!”

PETE: “I’m not stealing your thunder. I merely escorted them to a more interesting storm.”

JENNY: “Do you not try your best now?” [on Kevin’s sexual efforts]
KEVIN: “I will give you 100 percent for four minutes, and then like 60 percent for five minutes after that. And then after that, you’re on your own.”
JENNY: “You naughty little commissioner.”

RUXIN: “I don’t know you here.” [Said to Taco as Taco tries to say “hello” to Ruxin in the courthouse]

RUXIN: “My guess is a country entirely populated by fans of Aerosmith.” [on what country Andre’s proposed outfit for his court appearance would represent]

RUXIN: “Oh, good, so you look like a crafty sexual predator.”

RUXIN: “Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I’ll do something menial like take the trash out. And we have a loving marriage.”

RUXIN: “They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis (whispering) ’cause he had it out for me.” [on whether he’d ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia]

JENNY: “Sad little man, NO!” [while slapping Ruxin’s hand away from her underwear]

TACO: “I don’t use front anything.” [on why he didn’t come through the front door]

RUXIN: “She really captures your inner hobo.” [on Taco’s portrait by the courtroom artist]

RUXIN: “How many shafts do you think you’ve shaved?” [to Andre]

RUXIN: “I could watch you flick it…?” [to the judge, when asked to beg like a dog]

TACO: “Nothing happened, okay? We just had sex.”

[ Jump to Episode 10: “High School Reunion” ]

The League S02E08: “The Tie” is No Way to Retire as League Commissioner

You get no love for being a league commissioner. It’s a thankless job, but the good ones have the respect of their league even when they aren’t in agreement. And the very best ones have dirt on every member of the league.

That comes in handy when there’s drama, when league members turn into assholes…or when they show their assholes.

The trash talk has gotten serious this week. Before the games even begin, Ruxin gives his best impression of Ace Ventura’s talking butt, minus the pants. It’s ugly when buttholes are involved, but Ruxin is pissed that Kevin refused to help him substitute a player on his starting roster.

Ruxin’s butthole blasphemy on the league site is too much for Kevin, who claims there are no personal attacks on the message boards. So he removes the post.

I don’t know about your league, but my league posts almost all personal attacks on the message boards. What else are they good for besides trash talk? That’s the best thing about the message boards. In fact, I thought that’s why they were invented. Just like the Internet was invented for porn, forums were invented for personal attacks.

By the way, if you didn’t get the conversation about Andre resembling Nosferatu, Google Image Search that. It’s a worthwhile comparison.

Nosferatu vs. Andre

Taco’s weekly distraction doesn’t take long to surface. He fell out a tree, broke his wrist, and discovered Western medicine in the emergency room. Apparently, up until now, Taco was oblivious to modern medicine, among other things. So he now worships Andre and his medical degree. See? Andre doesn’t always play the lame one.

But still, see the Nosferatu versus Andre comparison.

Meanwhile, Pete met a friend in the park who has promised him Bears-Vikings tickets for a “favor.” Since the league believes “favors are gay”–they never would have made it in the Mafia–they convince Pete that this guy is also, in fact, gay and trying to get in Pete’s pants by giving him the free tickets. Either way, Pete has no idea that the Bears-Vikings game won’t be very exciting. 27-13 Bears.

The Kevin and Ruxin feud leads to a team name battle as both league members change their team names to send a message–The Kevin’s Micro Dongs, The MacArthur’s Crotch Nubs, and The Ruxin Looks Like A Middle-Aged Lesbians.

But when Kevin’s failure to sub out a player for Ruxin causes him to tie Andre, Ruxin goes over the edge.

After a rapid sequence of team name changes and league name changes, Ruxin fires back by naming his team “Fear Boners.” That’s too much for Kevin, and he hangs up his commish spurs.

A league without a commish is no league at all.

As we learn from Pete later in the episode, “fear boner” is one of the unmentionables…but obviously not enough of one not to mention it to Andre and Taco. Pete tells them the full story: Kevin got an erection in an alley when Ruxin, Pete, and Kevin were approached by an intimidating black man. Awk-ward.

Since Kevin’s out of the picture as the league’s former commissioner and with no one to stop them, Ruxin and Andre decide to break their tie with a footrace through the park, like something out of Lord of the Flies, according to Pete.

Hidden gem moment: Taco tries to start them with a real gun. Where does this guy get a gun? Fortunately for all, saner minds prevail. And the race begins.

After about 30 seconds of awkward flailing and panting, Andre and Ruxin near the finish line. In the final stretch, Ruxin goes down. But was it incidental contact or interference? No one can make the call.

Luckily, a gay couple is having a commitment ceremony just up the hill from the finish line, and the two are happy to oblige (without their knowledge) by surrendering their tape to the league as an instant replay machine.

As if we needed more reason to suspect Pete is in over his head on this tickets scheme, Pete runs into the man who promised him the tickets at the ceremony, lending more credibility to the league’s theory that he’s trying to get in Pete’s pants.

After checking the tape, the league determines it was incidental contact, not a push. Ruxin fell down. And so, Andre is the winner.

But during the booth review of Andre and Ruxin’s race, the league fills Pete’s head with the key warning signs that this guy is looking for loving: jazz music, a lit fireplace, and a silk robe.

And what a surprise! When Pete goes to pick up the tickets, jazz music, a (fake) lit fireplace on the ol’ LCD, and his “friend” wearing a silk robe are all there. The tickets are even out on a table in a lovely little envelope. How is it that you pay prostitutes again?

In a fit of awkwardness, Pete reveals that, while he thought he could, he can’t even pull off even a hand job in exchange for the tickets…just as his pal’s family enters the room. And as if he could have still recovered from that mistake, the dreaded “fear boner” strikes Pete.

As any sane person would do when a stranger explains that he can’t provide a hand job, asks if you’re gay, and then proceeds to pitch a tent, the “friend” in the silk robe kicks Pete out. So Pete gets no tickets, despite his best efforts to steal them on his way out the door.

How do you get strong-armed by a guy in a silk robe? Pete, you used to impress me, but that’s just shameful.

On their way out the apartment that night, Andre and Ruxin bump into the not-so-happy couple in search of their missing wedding tape. The newlyweds are ready to kick their asses.

Andre and Ruxin are forced to run into the park at night, closely followed by two cops. When they are discovered in the bushes together, they find no pity from a gay cop, who arrests them for giving “us” a bad name.

Cool and calculated, non-commish Kevin comes to bail the two out, but he’ll only bail out the one who was faster…unless they admit that they tied. Ah, what a masterpiece. Kevin would make it in the Mafia.

In the end, Kevin forces Andre and Ruxin to admit that they tied. Order is restored. Kevin is commish again. And Andre goes a little Titanic on Kevin, putting his hand on the glass.

Kevin does not reciprocate, but Andre probably could have earned himself some Bears-Vikings tickets…

As always, an episode just wouldn’t be complete without the musical stylings of Taco. This episode ends with Taco and Kevin singing “Fear Boner” and “Pete’s Little Tiny Erect Dick,” which compares Pete’s member to a pink Q-tip in classic The League fashion.

Memorable one-liners from Episode 8

KEVIN: “Ahhhh, it looks like a rusty balloon knot.” [Hiding eyes from Ruxin’s anus]

TACO: “Is that why you plucked your mane?” [Reaching for Andre’s bald head]

TACO: “I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.”

RUXIN: “Yeah, the Kevin’s Micro Dongs are best at coming from behind.”

TACO: “Washing your hands is healthy? I did it because it felt good…”

RUXIN: “Parks are like the Club Med for homosexuals. But instead of Jamaicans, it’s hobos.”

KEVIN: “A tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table’s done, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Fantasy football is about proving that you are better than your friends, not equally as good as your friends, okay? It’s not communism. We’re not coveting Billy Joel cassette tapes and wearing ill-fitting blue jeans.”

KEVIN: “I’m going to see a girl, and I have an anticip-erection!”

PETE: “In one single moment, he was cowardly, gay, homophobic, and racist–the perfect quadfecta.”

PETE: “I enjoy both or your unorthodox running styles: you with the shrieking girl thing and you with the escaping mental patient.”

PETE: “We’re like a frittata Lord of the Flies, man. Help us!” [to Kevin as Ruxin and Andre race]

RUXIN: “You’re gay?”
GAY COP: “I’m gay!”
ANDRE: “But you’re a cop?”
RUXIN: “Yeah, but he’s got a mustache.”

TACO: “It’s hard to stay soft in a frightening world…” [first line of “Fear Boner” by Taco and featuring Kevin]

[ Jump to Episode 9: “Expert Witness” ]

The League S02E07: Watch out for the “Ghost Monkey” this Halloween!

In this holiday episode, The League celebrates “Adult Halloween” with Kevin in the burbs, Ruxin suffers at his own hands, forced by Pete to set the lineup that he will play against, and Taco sets in motion a series of events that could lead to monkey rape…It’s a Halloween episode, people. Get excited.

This episode is all about Halloween (obviously), and Kevin is planning the loot for the trick-or-treaters while Jenny works on a Brownie uniform. Wrongly assuming it’s her Halloween costume, Kevin immediately starts to talk it up as the sexiest thing he’s ever seen, only to discover that it’s ACTUALLY Ellie’s real Brownie uniform.

Must. Wash. Eyes. Ears. Face. And burn clothes.

Days later at the petting zoo, Kevin laments his poor judgment and the loss of “sexy” Halloween outfits like the sexy Brownie uniform, a college girl outfit staple you just don’t see from co-eds after you’ve left campus.

Halloween is the best excuse girls ever have to insert “sexy” in front of a character of any kind and go out in public. Halloween in college is greatness that knows no end…except graduation. I’ll admit, I didn’t see that loophole coming when I started writing that sentence, but moving on, if you waste college Halloween by studying and staying in, YE SHALL BE PUNISHED.

As fathers, Ruxin and Kevin both reflect on this differently: Kevin, as a father of a daughter, has to carry the largest responsibility, worrying about every dick in the world, of which Ruxin’s son is only one. Unless he’s some sort of freaky Lady Gaga…well, let’s save that for another Google search. The “worrying about all the dicks in the world” father joke is a little overplayed these days, but I like that The League threw it a bone. It’s what every father’s always thinking…as far as I know.

You have to be pretty ballsy to promise an owner full control of your roster. But if Pete’s one thing, it’s ballsy. He promises Ruxin that Ruxin can set Pete’s lineup in their matchup this week as long as he doesn’t make any add/drops. With Ruxin’s fate truly in his own hands, this can only end well for everyone but Ruxin.

Soon, it’s time to leave the petting zoo paradise, much to Ellie and Taco’s dismay. But Taco takes a passenger, the monkey that he grew attached to during their visit. First of all, who has a monkey at a petting zoo? And second, who has a monkey at a petting zoo? I’m serious. The only monkeys I ever saw were at the zoo or providing security in India. Petting zoos when I was growing up consisted of goats, sheep, and dogs. Who gets monkeys? My childhood was a failure.

But on the car ride home, the monkey can’t stand Andre’s horrible Pandora playlist, inspired by Ke$ha, who really spells her name with a money sign and somehow made being drunk and slutty cool with the kiddies. If you asked me, that’s what fathers should be worried about. Just watch this video. She made a record for people who are alive. ALIVE! Niche audience, I guess.

Andre’s going nuts, and his screams combined with the soothing powers of Savage Garden drive the monkey over the brink. The furry fellow decides death is better than sharing a car with Andre and flies out the window and into the wild…if you can call a suburban neighborhood “the wild.” If it’s where Ke$ha lives, I think you can.

Crisis averted? Sure. Fine. Let’s say that.

Meanwhile, Ruxin’s sweating the matchup against Pete’s roster. He’s laboring over whether to start Pierre Thomas…and here we finally encounter one of the few goofs in the show’s guesstimation engine of who will and won’t be studs each week of the fantasy season.

Pierre Thomas is still banged up (even now), and he might never retake his stud status this year with the backfield confusion in New Orleans. But in the world of The League, he’s a stud who could start for Pete against Ruxin. Ah-ha! Caught you in a mistake, The League. That’ll teach you to try to predict an entire football season…wait, I guess that’s what we do every week…

Back in a world that doesn’t hear voices and sweat profusely like Ruxin, Kevin and Jenny are once again getting excited about Halloween with an adult beverage cart and the works. But Kevin’s idea of dressing up Jenny as a Vietnamese prostitute is dashed–much to his amusement–when Ellie interrupts their brainstorming of sexy racial stereotypes to remind Jenny that she promised to be a big, fat frog for Halloween. That’s a sexy fail.

At the bar, Andre explains that he’s the Mr. October of picking up the ladies, especially with his “You poor, poor girl” routine, which has a 6 percent success rate. Andre swoops in after a tragic event to play the hero, and he reaps all the rewards. And by rewards, I mean lady parts. And by lady parts, I mean…okay, this isn’t biology, kids. Google it. You can figure it out from there.

Ruxin arrives at the bar, still in a panic about Pete’s roster and fishing for any kind of info or advice on how to play himself with Pete’s lineup. Even his trash-talkin’ is rattled and un-Ruxin-like. Sad day. Ruxin’s trash talk is usually tops of the league.

And then in an even greater tragedy, Taco brings his monkey anxiety into the bar. He can’t find his animal friend, and he’s scared. Taco manages to pass on his fear to the rest of the guys, believing that the ghost of the monkey is on the prowl in their neighborhood biding his time in wait like some kind of tiny Predator alien.

We saw what the monkey could do against the petting zookeeper, who lost a finger to the mean critter before it was “removed” from the facility, but I’m still not too scared.

That night, Ruxin pays a visit to Kevin’s house like a freaky, emo Twilight vampire and surprises Kevin while he’s taking out the trash. He’s talking crazy talk and seems like he’s been wandering the streets for hours. The monkey screams heard in the distance cause him to hallucinate about Pete, Percy Harvin, and Cadillac Williams coming at him from the shadows.

On a related note, I would actually buy that there’s a Cadillac Williams ghost. Maybe not his real, human ghost but some kind of leg ghost, left behind from one of his surgeries. His legs have seen so many horrible, horrible injuries. I’m sure they’d be scary in ghost form.

At last, it’s Halloween! Rocking a cop-out costume as a doctor, Andre takes advantage of Kevin’s “yank bank incident” by having his “You poor, poor girl” date dress as a sexy Brownie, but that can’t kill the mood this evening.

Neither can his date’s request for ecstasy, and her admission that she blacks out when she drinks vodka. Ke$ha, is that you? Regardless, dare I say…this is going to be a good night?

Taco’s too scared to wear a costume…but that’s okay because he doesn’t know anyone else is wearing one anyway.

Pete and his date, Darcy, show up, and she has to explain what Pete has already discovered to the rest of the gang. She’s actually a witch who doesn’t celebrate Halloween. (Pete met her at the petting zoo, where she was dressed as a “sexy” witch, in case you forgot.) Bummer. But Taco immediately picks her brain about monkey curses, much to Pete’s enjoyment.

Taco and Darcy decide to retreat to the garage to try to connect with dear Potato, the monkey, and find out if he is at peace. Surprise! He’s not. He’s pissed, and Taco’s “Ghost Monkey” song, while entertaining in parts, was a long and drawn out way to anger the monkey even more. Taco has to find a way to make a sacrifice for Potato.

In the midst of drink cart refills, we see Mr. Mc Gibblets make a cameo. Unfortunately, the gang restrains Kevin, and he’s only able to shout after the “tickle me and touch my belly” star.

Crazy Ruxin appears out of nowhere. He’s completely insane after losing to Pete’s lineup, even after setting it himself, and Pete makes sure to rub it in to the fullest, as if he knew all along that Pierre Thomas would end up in his lineup and win it for him.

To celebrate, Andre cues up his terrible music, and Taco starts banging the beat. Jenny tries her best to out-sex the Sexy Brownie date, but she is no match in the fat frog suit. Sorry, Jenny. Fortunately, her moves do catch someone else’s eye…

Potato, the Ghost Monkey, screeches into the night to break up the adult festivities. Everyone scatters, but Jenny, held back by her giant frog head, falls down.

Just like when you’re running from a bear, you don’t have to be the fastest one among your friends, you just have to be faster than one of them. So Jenny is left behind to fend for herself against the Ghost Monkey. It’s not pretty, but on the plus side, at least the monkey only humped the back of her head. He could have found the mouth hole. (I know, I know. That’s what she said.)

When Jenny finally makes it inside, her clothes are torn to shreds…and without the frog parts, she’s actually turned her fat frog suit into a pretty sexy little outfit. Too bad the monkey wore her out of humping for the rest of the night.

As a last desperate attempt, Kevin tries Andre’s “You poor, poor girl” routine, only to get shutdown by Jenny. Lesson No. 1 of Pickup Lines: Never use it if she’s heard it before. Lesson No. 2: Don’t use pickup lines on your wife. Come on, Kevin.

Memorable one-liners from Episode 7

KEVIN: “I’m the creepy guy now…How’m I going to delete this from my yank bank?”

KEVIN: “When you have a daughter, you have to worry about everybody’s dick. There are so many dicks around here.”

PETE: “Monkeys land on their feet. They’re like masturbating cats.”

RUXIN: “I feel like Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes except without the old lesbian stuff.”

KEVIN: “Can I make a suggestion? Filthy Vietnamese prostitute. Now I’m not talking about one you get on the pier. I’m talking about one you gotta go down an alley and negotiate with some guy with no teeth…That’s too much?”

ANDRE: “October’s my month. I’m like the Reggie Jackson of hookups in October.”

ANDRE: “It’s not creepy. It’s an APP! Costs a buck!”

KEVIN: “It’s just like a slow, creepy Rufenol coming around your shoulder…”

TACO: “It’s like that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, except instead of a guy with a hook, we have a young monkey with a shared hatred for Andre’s taste in music.”

TACO: “You told me your favorite singer was Will Smith, so YES, it is your fault.”

RUXIN: “That girl is making a bigger mistake than playing Percy Harvin…right?”

KEVIN: “We’re about one step away from fantasy Saw.”

ANDRE: “She knows…a bit…about monkey curses?”

TACO: “I took him from the petting zoo, and I knowingly brought him into the musical Armageddon that is Andre’s car.”

KEVIN: “This sounds like the Pet Shop Boys are raping Erasure.”

RUXIN: “Ohhhh, Kevin…you get to go home to that.”

JENNY: “I have been humped enough tonight.”

Looking to the next episode: Let’s pick on someone besides Ruxin. He’s getting abused.

[ Jump to Episode 8: “The Tie” ]

The League S02E06: Old Dude Causes a #Hardfall at “The Anniversary Party”

Ruxin seems to be a glutton for punishment this season, and this episode continued that trend as Taco tortured Ruxin by tricking him into throwing an anniversary party for his wife. But is Taco really that evil and smart? There’s no way to tell if he is just a completely oblivious of his actions or an evil genius.

My vote: evil genius. There’s room on the dark side for more than just Ruxin, and Taco’s brilliant in his simplicity. Someone get this man a white kitty to pet. (Don’t take that the wrong way.)

From the start, Taco’s in Ruxin’s business — and in his home. Ruxin comes in from work to find his wife, Sofia, with Taco. And no, not like that, even though it would be the first assumption when you find Taco with your wife, but Taco is just Ruxin’s teasing stallion.

Instead of doing the horizontal Macarena, Taco and Sofia are “girl talking” about Ruxin and Sofia’s wedding anniversary. Taco is collecting photos for a “very special gift” he’s planning and makes Ruxin look like the “anniversary grinch” for not having anything planned for the occasion.

By the end of Taco’s visit, whether by evil design or sheer luck, he’s forced Ruxin into promising a “surprise” anniversary party for Sofia with all their friends at the restaurant where he first proposed. Evil or idiot? Still can’t tell. You want to think the guy was planning this all along, but at the same time, he appears completely unaware that he is facing Ruxin’s fantasy football team that weekend — thinking he has a bye week.

Ruxin sends out the invites, immediately irritating Jenny because her birthday is the same day as the party, just as her birthday was the same day as the Ruxin wedding. Her birthday always gets passed over for subsequent wedding anniversaries, and she’s fed up with it. But this party won’t ruin her weekend. She’s not the type. Sofia’s the one who would slowly poison someone over a period of months without an ounce of remorse…Ruxin should really hire an official tester…

When the league gathers for lunch the next day for one of their many trash-talking gatherings, usually kept to the bar, Ruxin explains how sensitive his palate is. So maybe he can handle his own poison detection. He’s too snooty for the grub the rest of the gang is inhaling since his palate is much more refined than his league mates’ mere mortal taste. He’d rather hit up the gastropub for some “edamame foam.”

Andre’s rocking a bedazzled Kardashian of a Bluetooth in his ear. There are few ways to make a Bluetooth earpiece more ugly than most of them already are. I, myself, have tried and failed to find one that would work for me. I really only end up using them for conference calls because I don’t want to be that guy that roams around with a Bluetooth in his ear at all times, constantly challenging anyone around him to decide whether he is A) crazy B) talking to someone else or C) talking to the person right in front of him.

Come to find out, this Bluetooth is just one stage in a long line of boyfriend chameleoning for Andre. ANOTHER WORD FOR THE LEXICON. Let it be defined:

“Boyfriend chameleon” — A male so desperate for shared interests that he basically just adopts the hobbies of the woman he is dating

The blinged out ear accessory is his chameleon way of connecting with his new girlfriend, a techie deep Googler you’ll soon love to hate — or will you hate to love her?

Ruxin announces to the group that Meegan will be at the part-ay…WITH a plus one. Oh snap! Pete bout to get all mad up in this motha…wait, no?

He’s not mad. He’s fine with it. It’s like he’s a bigger man…but we know that isn’t the case.

Pete rushed back to the office to his up the bathroom, but at the threshold to the poop room, Pete is stuck debating what to do with his leftover sandwich from lunch: A) leave it outside the bathroom or B) take it inside, where poop particles are just waiting to jump on that baby and give him dysentery. Believe me, the potty mouth disease is a complete buzzkill, and unlike Oregon Trail, you don’t get to write a witty one-liner on a tombstone. You just have to tough it out.

Not wanting to lose his sandwich, Pete opts to bring it into the danger zone, and he pays the price. A burly fellow office worker hits the stall before Pete can dive on the grenade for his sandwich and get out of there, ruining the bathroom-tainted food forever.

Side note here: What exactly does Pete…do? I didn’t think he had an office. He always seems to be working from home. Is his job fantasy football? Is he…my hero? The office is the first thing to suggest otherwise.

At the anniversary party, we find Ruxin and Sofia greeting all the guests at the door. Jenny’s still pissed that the party is on her birthday, and she takes a few stabs at Sofia for still focusing on their anniversary rather than wishing Jenny “Happy birthday.”

Somehow both ladies come out without wrestling in oil or Jell-O. We all lose. But there’s always next time.

Pete shows up with an ice cream sandwich. Yes, it’s that random. But he does explain: “When do you ever see an ice cream truck anymore? I had to go for it.”

When the ice cream truck appears, it must be taken advantage of. The same rule applies to open bars and impressionable foreign supermodels.

But we’ve ignored the really important oddity in Pete’s other hand. Pete has invented a “bathroom cubby,” a cubby to store food outside of the bathroom until you emerge, clean and free of poop particles, to retrieve it.

I wondered when we’d advance as a culture beyond Everyone Poops. THIS is that day (and THIS is funny).

Ruxin, being the sophisticated gent that he is, loves the bathroom cubby: “I won’t even chew gum and go into the bathroom because I’ll end up chewing whatever it is I smell in there.” And so, Pete immediately installs it at the party.

Meegan arrives with her plus one, and it’s an old dude. Is this the 15-year gap they talk about in L.A.? Did they make in time for him to get his senior discount? ZING!

But this old guy, Ted, is actually a baller. He thanks Pete for letting him have his chance at Meegan (must be a fan of that finger trick) and upstages Pete’s bathroom cubby with a gift for Ruxin and Sofia, a Nepalese Dream Box from Nepal.

Everyone immediately falls in love with Ted’s George Clooney-like, grey-haired charm. But Pete is determined to embarrass Ted in front of all of Meegan’s friends, especially when Meegan insists that Ted can hang with even the best of Pete’s breed, the heavy drinking layabouts.

Filming for his blog on the way in (Did this just get meta?), Andre introduces his deep Googling techie girlfriend, Stacy. Somehow she page five-ed every member of the league and dug up plenty of Google dirt on them in the process. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD STOP SEXTING AND POSTING PARTY PICS, KIDS!

On an archived Prodigy page, she found (and read) Ruxin’s poetry. It seems he was expressing some homoerotic fan fiction: “Hernando rode the gallows of his love into my heart.” Stacy also brings up Sofia’s nose job, a sore spot for the self-absorbed hottie.

As they sit down to dinner, Ruxin wants to say a few words, but his speech is soon interrupted by Kevin, who claims to be so touched by the night’s events that he has to give an emotional salute to his own wife, Jenny, and thanks her for being his wife. Jenny eats it up and turns into putty. And that, my friends, is good husbandry (of the non-farm variety).

Pete (and Meegan’s prodding) pressure Ted into ordering bacon-wrapped steak instead of salmon. Ted one-ups the fantasy football league by revealing that he’s in an actual, no pads, football in the mud league “like Favre in those Wrangler ads” (Thanks, Kevin). But not like these ads. That’s some salt of the earth, Chuck Norris stuff right there. So they move on to shots and dancing.

Meanwhile, the ladies go all Sex and the City, and Meegan tells Jenny that Ted’s some powerfully tuned, Italian muscle car in comparison to Pete’s gas-guzzling Trans Am. If only Pete had heard that; those words be real fighting words.

Ruxin bumps into Andre and explains how Andre’s techie girl’s tweets about the party are getting him in trouble — his cousin, who wasn’t invited, happens to be one of her 831 followers. But Andre has more pertinent news to share: Cedric Benson has been ruled out for tomorrow’s game. Ruxin’s got to change his lineup.

But Taco sweeps in, again through dark side brilliance or ridiculously good timing, to enforce the “no phone” policy alongside Sofia. Still can’t tell whether he’s an evil genius or an “I love lamp.”

The real kicker of the party is Taco’s movie premiere. Tacos shot behind-the-scenes footage of Ruxin and Sofia’s wedding in secret, and he debuts his creation, finally edited, for the party as his wedding/anniversary present. What’s just a few years late, right?

Highlights include Sofia prancing around in lingerie before the wedding, Pete and Meegan sneaking away to handle some bidness in the coat closet, Andre chameleoning into an African themed suit for his date, and Ruxin’s cold feet rant about how Sofia’s “conquistador” family will pillage and plunder his Jewish relatives.

Kevin calms down Ruxin by passing down a trick he’d obviously perfected and refined like some kind of relationship guru. Strangely similar to Kevin’s exact speech tonight, he instructs Ruxin on the art of emotional word porn: “Love is a [insert any noun you want, any noun you want!]”

Oh, we are all so busted.

By the end of the video, every couple is in a fight besides Andre and Stacy, who were probably live tweeting the video anyway. #GreatEvent!

Ruxin believes the only thing that can save him from Sofia’s wrath is the top of the original wedding cake, but he takes a detour when he sees Andre’s iPad in the bathroom cubby.

He takes it into the bathroom to finally change his lineup, but Andre retaliates by bringing the precious top of the cake into the bathroom as well. When Ted comes flying in, falling apart at the seams in his competition with Pete, he bumps Andre, who drops the cake onto the floor. URINAL CAKE!

Without another alternative, Ruxin does the unthinkable. He salvages the cake, takes it into the main room, and presents it to Sofia. He attempts to kill it by dropping it to the ground in front of Sofia, but Taco, in an impeccably timed flash of dexterity, saves it Spider-Man-style before it hits the ground.

Ruxin has no choice but to bite the bullet. In this case, the bullet is a dirty bathroom floor cake. So Ruxin has a gutter palate after all.

Ruxin, still crying a little, gets hoisted into the air on a chair along with Sofia, but the competition has started to wear Ted down. His old Brett Favre-ian body can’t take this abuse. He eventually suffers a heart attack, falling to the floor and causing a domino effect that takes Sofia and Ruxin out as well. #Hardfall!

At the end of the night, we end as we began with Kevin and Jenny.

Kevin apologizes for gaming the system with his love speech, but by now, Jenny is over it. She actually enjoyed the “train wreck” excitement of the party’s complete collapse.

I felt the same way, Jenny. The same way.

The one-liners you know and love from Episode 6

KEVIN: “You look like gay Iron Man.”

KEVIN: “You’re being selfishly selfless.” PETE: “I prefer the term altruistically self-serving”

RUXIN: “You look like a Russian figure skater.”

PETE: “Thanks for being emotionally above board and awesome, Ted!”

STACY: “How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on
Facebook?”

SOFIA: “Shits natural, bitch!”

MEEGAN: “A 30-year-old sloth is far less useful to me than a 60-year-old, finely tuned machine.”

ANDRE: “That’s what you get when you live your life on the net.” RUXIN: “You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.”

KEVIN: “You look great, Dr. Huxtable”

ANDRE: “Hashtag #Hardfall!”

TACO: “Meegan, is your dad okay?”

Looking to the next episode: I hope we get to find out whether Taco’s smart or not. Someday. But really, I hope there’s more fantasy football talk. Isn’t it time for somebody to trade? Or trade rape?

[ Jump to Episode 7: “Ghost Monkey” ]

The League S02E05: This ain’t no sprint. It’s “The Marathon”

NOTARIZER! This fifth episode of Season 2 was one of the funniest yet. Pete’s back to plotting against Andre as Andre vainly tries to prove his superiority to the league, Kevin’s having issues at home with Jenny, Ruxin’s taking on “charity terrorism” like only the most sinister office dweller could, and Taco’s off on a mission to make a quick buck…or is it to hit on women? The two usually go hand in hand with him.

Season 1 of “The League” set the bar pretty high for raunchy comedy, and I think it’s taken a few episodes for “The League” to really hit its stride again. I thought last week’s episode had finally reestablished the spiteful, insane plots that made Season 1 so hilarious, but this week topped it. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that.

But now we need to get on to the episode. You don’t come here to read what I have to say, amirite?

Wait, really?

This week, we begin with Andre announcing that he is running the marathon for charity in a video to the league.

But as is required when Andre does something without concern for his own reputation, Pete takes his little humanitarian mission and morphs it into a journey in the wayback machine through all of Andre’s sordid past exercise crazes, including a stripper pole and anal kegels. Yes, anal kegels.

This video led me to two thoughts: 1) The Internet was invented to make fun of people like Andre. And 2) All fantasy football league hosting sites (You listening, ESPN? Yahoo!? Fleaflicker?) need to get on this video trash-talking feature from “The League.”

I was entertained by it when it appeared throughout Season 1, but now I’m jealous of it after seeing the joy it brings to Season 2. And yes, I realize it’s largely a writer device to save us from screenshots of message board bashing within the league site. I STILL WANT IT!

If you’ve maintained a responsible level of sobriety through the first four episodes, you’ll remember that Jenny is now a member of the league. A lady has joined the crew. So she comes out to the bar for the weekly night of trash-talk, but she doesn’t bring much talk. Instead, Kevin and Jenny get all lovey-dovey in the bar even though they are head-to-head this week. Blasphemy.

“There is no love in the league.” Roll clip.

This love, of course, creates concern that they will cheat their way to victory in the league, and Ruxin is having none of that.

But wait, Andre’s got something in his mouth: Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick, AKA (that’s right) S.P.U.N.K.

Many a priceless thing could be said here, and the league did a pretty good job of covering all of them. See the one-liners below for the brilliance.

After SPUNK-ing himself, Andre attempts to use his marathon running as a pick-up line on the waitress, but Pete makes sure that doesn’t happen by using the same line, declaring that he also is running the marathon and stealing Andre’s thunder. So establishes the Andre struggle for this week.

Post-bar, Jenny and Kevin are having a little of the sexy time, but her trash-talking kills the mood. No one wants to hear about Frank Gore when they are about to have sex. No one but maybe Frank Gore. The following morning, Kevin and Jenny make a pact to not let the league come between them and their marriage, which is a great idea that will never work, just like a combined line at the express checkout counters at the grocery store. Some idiot always picks one like he’s the first person to think of it. (No one likes you, guy. We had a great system here.) Kevin also realizes, for the very first time, that Hotel Rwanda was based on a true story — truly one of the best moments of this episode.

Meanwhile, Pete stayed out all night with the waitress and runs into Andre training for his big run. They decide to wager $2000 on who will have the better run time. This can only end well.

And back at the office, Ruxin takes on Team Twila, the “charity terrorist” who is raising money for her own entry into the marathon. You can always tell an argument went well when it ends with “I can’t believe I work in an office full of hungry, hungry hippos.”

At Kevin’s house, the gang is all together. Andre runs there and smells like teen spirit, but he’s still game for a “hydrating” (read: chugging) contest with Pete. Pete plays with beer and wins (by reaching the bottom of bottle). Andre plays with water and loses (by tears, tears always mean lose).

A conversation with Jenny leaves the guys abuzz about how Kevin and Jenny’s marriage is like “awkward Wimbledon” now that they are going head to head in the league. When Kevin sees an alert pop up about Frank Gore’s turf toe, he has a tough decision. Dick move: pick up the backup to Frank Gore and block Jenny from having a great matchup this week. Husband move: tell his wife that Frank Gore is injured. The guys all encourage him to finish her off. Ruxin even throws out the vintage “SWEEP THE LEAGUE, JOHNNY!” but Kevin is torn. SPOILER: He chooses to be a dick!

And by the way, if “The League” curse strikes again and Gore is injured this week, I’m sending hate mail.

Now that Twila is on a mission to ruin Ruxin, she gives him a hard time when he needs documents notarized for a big trial — the BP defense against the Gulf Coast fishermen (I would expect no less from Ruxin). But luckily, his mention of the “cu-notary” earlier in the week has convinced Taco that he has a future as a notarizer. “El Notario” even sends out a video to the league advertising his services. You may remember him as the premiere dealer of three-penis wine.

The business has Taco itching to burn money since he’s not one to have a bank account. So he’s buying rounds. Andre shows up with his number, 1729, and, as Ruxin says, “dressing like the fifth member of Color Me Bad.”

A women strikes up a conversation with Taco for urgent notary services, and he takes her away to his office in the men’s bathroom to do business. But the situation soon turns ugly when Taco notarizes not only her document but also her ass (for free!). On her way out the door, with Taco in tow, they bump into Andre, which sends him to the floor with turf toe. I guess it really is that easy to get injured. No marathon for Andre.

Ruxin pays a visit to Taco in an attempt to get his documents notarized before his trial. A Sizzler gift card gets Taco out of retirement, which he had entered into after “the life” wore him out in just one week.

Fast-forward to Sunday, and Jenny shows up at some kind of sports bar (a new place?) to meet the guys and watch the games. She picked up Anthony Dixon instead of Frank Gore’s backup, which Kevin had stashed, and the third-stringer ends up getting all the points in Gore’s stead. Kevin’s dick move backfired, and once again, “The League” is pretty spot on about which players would benefit from an injury. Even with Glen Coffee retired, which surprised everyone, Brian Westbrook is now the backup to Frank Gore, but he would probably only play a small role while Dixon did most of the heavy lifting if Gore was to miss time. Either they do some brilliant work in editing or “The League” has an inside source better than Adam Schefter himself.

Twila shows up and interrupts Taco’s notarizing of Ruxin’s documents to reveal that “El Notario” doesn’t even have a valid notary license. His stamp is from Venezuela. You should have known that Taco wouldn’t do it the hard way, Ruxin. And so, Taco hangs up his notary spurs…err, stamp, and Ruxin has to make a deal with Twila to get her to notarize his documents.

Jenny points out how fun it is to watch games when you actually have something on the line, but…she soon realizes that Kevin and her neglected to get Ellie over to a friend’s house after gymnastics. They rush off to be parents.

Andre’s confronted by Pete, who claims to have run the marathon and demands his money, and as Andre chases Pete off on his turf toe, Ruxin tries S.P.U.N.K. (and seems to like it).

To wrap the episode, we go back to the bedroom with Kevin and Jenny, only this time, Kevin’s talking dirty about how well Jenny’s team did against him. What a freaky fetish.

Best of the one-liner quotes from Episode 5

ANDRE: “Spunk is amazing.” “I love spunk” “I like the black kind” (Really, everything Andre said about S.P.U.N.K.)

KEVIN: “I don’t want to talk smack when I’m about to enter you.” and “I just basically have to tie a stick to it to get it in now.”

RUXIN: “It’s almost a jihad against my wallet.”

RUXIN: “I also love The Country’s Best Yogurt, but I don’t expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.”

RUXIN: “Andre, you smell like eighth grade kids who haven’t learned to use deodorant yet.”

PETE: “This women’s basketball game…this is like the ‘Heartbreak Hill’ of channel surfing.”

RUXIN: “Think of me as your University of Phoenix.”

JENNY: “There is absolutely no love in the league.”

Looking to the next episode: Let’s hope for more Taco employment options and more Ruxin at work. I think that’s where he shines.

But wait, wouldn’t you love to ask your pals from “The League” all your pressing fantasy football questions? Well, you can. Fantasy Football Nerd is currently taking questions for the cast of the “The League” that will be answered before Week 8. Get on over there and enter your questions.

[ Jump to Episode 6: “The Anniversary Party” ]

A promising beginning for Colt McCoy? ESPN doesn’t think so.

Going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers’ defense is a tough task for any quarterback, but when you draw that challenge as the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns…and as your first NFL start…well, that’s nearly impossible. As such, ESPN has their doubts about Colt McCoy this week, not that you were thinking about starting him.

Colt McCoy (Cleveland Browns) Fantasy Point Projection of 2 on ESPN.com

I guess you could do worse in your first start...

With Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme injured (and, in Jake’s case, maybe even if he was healthy enough to take the field), McCoy is the best they’ve got. As a Longhorn, I’ll hope the best for the kid, but this debut might get ugly. Consider this your “McCoy’s potential as a starter in the NFL” open thread if you’d like to put your own opinion on record.

UPDATE: Since this screenshot was taken, ESPN has updated their projections to list Delhomme at 4 points, assuming he will get the start. McCoy has been downgraded to 0 points. Still, there’s a good chance this game falls on McCoy’s shoulders this weekend because Delhomme looked like half a man last week on his bum ankle.

The League S02E04: “The Kluneberg” cannot be unseen

Rafi’s back and so is the hate! Oh, sweet, intolerant hate! I know I said I liked Rafi. I know I said we could use some more of him, but I swear that it was a moment of weakness. This week, he proved why we should all dislike him…and cherish him, just for one last time. But I don’t want to keep you hanging. Let’s do this thing.

First, a warning: this episode definitely contained things that cannot be unseen…but you’ll really want to see them (at least once). So forget I said anything. This warning is not a warning. Carry on.

Episode 4 begins with the league at Andre’s. He’s showing off his Kluneberg, a new, expensive painting of bird rape…or some kind of a hairy-umbrella-shocker sexual fetish.

It kind of looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Is that a hoo? I’m not really sure, but I was all but completely distracted by the talking TV-MA ratings box that FX covered Kevin’s head and the painting with for almost the entire scene.

Talking TV-MA box from "The League" S02E04

TV-MA frowns on you.

There’s a voiceover AND a written warning before the episode starts. That black box can’t go in a corner?

But forget the painting. Rafi is over to watch some football, and Rafi is back with a vengeance.

I’ll give Rafi one thing. He’s damn efficient.

He soon peaces out to go hook up with Molly, the girl Andre originally wanted to see at the party in Episode 2, and Taco takes a stand. He doesn’t like Rafi. Shockingly, neither does anyone else.

HATEFEST TIME!

Ruxin breaks down. He wants Rafi out, too, but he can’t get rid of family. So Pete hatches an idea: fake a fight to make Rafi thing the league has broken up and then put the league back together without him. I love the schemes. Covert ops are the best, amirite?

Kevin and Jenny take Taco for a walk. I think you have to do that from time to time with pets, but I was puzzled they weren’t following the leash law. They’ll regret that soon.

At the sight of a dumpster, Taco becomes a dumpster diver — YAY for loose crack needles! — and Kevin and Jenny bump into Russell, played by Rob Huebel, who is a friend of Andre’s.

Russell churns out some great one-liners about Andre’s fashion sense while Taco pillages the dumpster for a bunch of random crap. The only Taco discovery that really matters is a toilet seat. The man didn’t even have one before. Oh, Taco.

At the bar, Andre reveals to the gang that Russell is a sex addict, which they point out is totally a fake disease. Is it really an addiction if you just have no self-control?

Although, did you ever read the Deadspin dispatches from a sex addict? That sounded pretty serious with the chafing and all.

Andre and Pete start prepping for their fake fight to trick Rafi, and Taco takes off to get back to his toilet since he is tweaking without his toilet seat. When Rafi arrives, Pete and Andre take it outside and engage in one of the worst slap fights I’ve ever seen. That was Jerry Springer cutting floor material. Seriously.

Rafi gets into it at least and throws in a butter knife. This isn’t a hardcore match though. And then they take it too far when Andre calls out Pete for being divorced and unloved. Pete counters by calling out Andre’s fashion sense and ugly painting, which causes an Andre BULL RUSH!

Now THIS is a fight…but it’s soon over when Andre calls out the safety word, “Fidelio” (like oral sex with Castro?), and quits the league for real.

It’s couple talk time with Kevin and Jenny. Kevin bashes Rafi and confesses that Jenny should have been in the league. True statement, but that’s just asking for a fight. Jenny reveals that she’s going to be in Russell’s league, which is drafting tonight. How would you feel about your wife playing with a sex addict? What’s a sex addict draft like? Jenny doesn’t get Kevin’s warning that he’s a sex addict because, to her, sex addict = man. Hard to argue with that.

Meanwhile, Ruxin checks in on Taco to discuss a trade and finds him on his toilet having an “A Beautiful Mind” moment.

Pete, Kevin, and Ruxin try to figure out how to fix the damage they’ve done. Pete has to apologize. They can’t take the league down to six — eight is already pretty bad, guys. Teams of all-stars in that league.

And Ruxin reveals that Taco has gone batshit insane, which Kevin realizes is tied to a case he’s working (he’s an assistant DA, remember?). Coke smugglers have been using toilet seats to hide their drugs. That toilet seat Taco found in the dumpster is just one giant butt pad of cocaine. It’s like sitting on Mary-Kate Olsen.

Pete visits Andre to apologize and bring him back into the fold. All it took was a compliment on the painting. Easy.

Now on to problem No. 2: the guys host an intervention for Taco the cokehead (or I guess it should be cokebutt?), but Taco doesn’t want to give up his toilet seat. He says it makes him feel like the most powerful person in the bathroom. He caves after one last sit.

At Russell’s, Jenny shows up for the draft, but no one else has arrived. Sex addict talk leads Russell to explain that he’s not turned on by her in any way, but he turns himself on with a strawberry. Other turn ons: Birthday parties for old people, fresh-bought corn, a room full of marbles, tiny tomatoes…this guy is a strange dude. Jenny leaves before he gets out any peanut butter.

Back at the intervention, a drunken Rafi shows up with Ruxin and goes to the can for his patent pending “crap the booze out” cure for intoxication. This is all part of Ruxin’s evil plan: to get Rafi blackout drunk and then tell him he did horrible things and is out of the league.

But Rafi gets a hit off the coke toilet seat that Taco installed on Andre’s toilet in secret, which leads to a coke-fueled episode of dude banter and running that would put Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to shame. Rafi grabs Andre’s painting and vows to protect Jenny from Russell. Then he punches it and runs away. BOOM!

The league has to go look for him, and when they get outside, they find Russell’s car a-rocking. This couldn’t be Jenny, could it? (It’s soooo not. If you’re pure of heart, earmuffs for this next part. Just skip to the quotes.)

Kevin opens door to find…last chance to run away…Rafi getting it from behind from Russell. Yeah, baby! As Russell says, “I found a new trigger! It’s cocaine in a man’s beard.” It’s horrifying, and yet, with mixed emotions about Rafi, it’s hilarious. It’s just one of those things you can’t stop watching.

Luckily, this guy-on-guy lovemaking solves the Rafi problem entirely. Russell has a 12-man league, and Rafi’s all over it rather than playing in the eight-man league the guys have. Twelve is where it’s at. I would have to agree.

So Rafi tells the guys he’s leaving the league…while still getting it from behind.

The league needs one more player, and they decide to do the right thing by bringing in Jenny to manage Rafi’s team. She walks all over the candlelit, Skulls-esque initiation procedures and revives Andre’s old hazing nickname, “Dickcream,” when he protests. Veteran move.

Hate? Schemes? Drug abuse? This episode was a complete success. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. GOODBYE, RAFI! And now that I said that…he’ll be back.

Memorable One-liners from Episode 4

KEVIN: “Which part do you think is the dick?”

ANDRE: “This is just like Ocean’s 12.”

RUSSELL: “No, no, I’m all good on cat parts.”

TACO: “How much sex do you need to have before you know if you’re an addict?”

RUXIN: “My wife doesn’t let me do the serious stuff at home so I do it at the office. The weekends are the hardest.”

KEVIN: “He’s like a cockroach with a beard.”

RUXIN: “Well, I’m gonna leave. I’m never gonna come back, and I’m going to burn these clothes.”

KEVIN: “I got a sex addict trying to plow my wife, and my brother’s Pablo Escobutt.”

RAFI: “I am not going to let that dirty sex addict do to Jenny what this penis bird has done to butt mountain.”

ANDRE: “You guys hazed me for two weeks. I’m still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.”

JENNY: ” I will take this donkey of a team, and I’m going to turn it into a champion, Dickcream.” (Have to point out the excellent girl-on-girl trash-talk.)

Looking ahead at the next episode: I’m really glad that Rafi’s out. I’m also really glad that Jenny’s in. The league needed more Jenny. That’s enough to be glad about. I bet she’s going to win her game next week.

What are you looking forward to in next week’s episode?

[ Jump to Episode 5: “The Marathon” ]

The League S02E03: What a Beautiful Package for “The White Knuckler”

Episode 3 gets back to the heart of Ruxin’s dark heart and the trash-talk that makes this league tick. They even threw in a little love interest to remind us of the Shiva competition from last season. Who’s balls will she touch first? Let’s dive right in.

Episode 3 opens with Pete and Ruxin watching a basketball game at Kevin’s house and in the search for coasters. Isn’t it crazy that in a society that has 3D televisions and surround sound, we still use tables that need coasters?

Ruxin stumbles upon Kevin’s current coffee table reading: “Weight Training for Dummies.” Definitely not a best seller. I don’t think I’d even pick that up to flip through in line at Wal-Mart, but maybe that’s also because I took a two year hiatus from working out at one point in my adult life.

It gets sadder. Kevin has an entire collection of the “For Dummies” books on a massive garage bookshelf of broken dreams. Did someone sell him these books like those door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen used to do?

At Gibson’s (the bar), Kevin attacks Andre for not being a “real doctor” because he doesn’t save lives. He makes a valid point: plastics aren’t exactly life saving.

Just look at that “Dr. Dreamy” goofball on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Uh…damn. I just gave myself away a little there. But to make my point, Dr. Dreamy’s cases were never that scary or dangerous. It was always “Hey! Let’s make you attractive like me! Because my hands would never touch a person of your ugliness unless I could make you worthy of my hands, my beautiful, beautiful hands. Woohoo!” It was pretty weak. And to my credit, I stopped watching “Grey’s Anatomy” as soon as it stopped being socially beneficial to me.

In the midst of this “real doctor” conversation, we learn that Taco just thinks that Andre is a barber, which might have opened the door for a comment about how Rafi needs a haircut, but no Rafi this week.

Ruxin confesses that his only hope this week against Kevin is a big game from Josh Cribbs, but Pete won’t give him any advice. Ruxin also has to do community service with “Make A Wish” for his law firm. This can only end badly.

Andre tells the guys about the “class act” he wants to bring in as his partner in his plastic surgery practice, Dr. Maxwell, which gives us our fantasy football definition for the lexicon this week and a few more to grow on. Introducing, the racism handbook for sports commentary:

Class act: A term used by sports commentators and society to refer to the black coach, e.g., Tony Dungy.

Firecracker, spark plug: The Latino athlete, as referred to by the sports commentators or personalities

Gym rat, scrappy player: The white athlete, e.g., Wes Welker

Inscrutable player: The Asian athlete

Sad but true, a lot of commentators use these stereotypical descriptors. Well, everyone besides Jon Gruden, who simply calls everyone “JOKER!” or “This guy!” Also, Taco is half black.

Pete has a date with Brooke, one of Kevin’s former girlfriends, and since Pete is hooking up with her now, that makes Pete and Kevin Eskimo brothers. Creepy neat! Apparently, Brooke comes with a little bit of a reputation from high school. She was known as the “The White Knuckler” because of her strong grip when giving the job of the handy persuasion. I’m picturing really large forearms.

Taco also informs the league that he’s taking karate. That’s good. He might need some deadlier moves if he and Rafi have to fight to the death at some point this season.

On the date, Pete and Brooke’s conversation inevitably turns to Kevin, who they note used to be a really flabby guy. But Brooke does give him credit for having a “pretty cock.” That’s right! Apparently, Kevin has a really “pretty cock” and “cute balls.” I guess that’s better than saying “huge” but still date-killer material.

Dark Sith Lord Ruxin goes to visit his “Make A Wish” recipient, Colin, who reveals his wish: meeting Terrell Suggs, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens.

But Ruxin is evil, remember? So he convinces Colin that he should, instead, ask to meet Josh Cribbs, wide receiver and kick returner for the Cleveland Browns, so that Ruxin can talk fantasy with Cribbs and motivate him to show up big this week for Ruxin’s fantasy team.

At least Ruxin notices Colin’s depressing artwork, which leads to a true moment of clarity for Ruxin: “You’re going through some shit, huh?”

So now Ruxin can rub in his upcoming victory to Kevin at the park. Taco shows up with what he calls his “Naginta” from karate, but the only thing I could find online is something called a “Naginata.” Gotta be the same thing, right? Well, the description is pretty good.

Here are the highlights (emphasis mine):

NAGINATA (reaping sword)

“During the Edo period (16001808), women of the samurai class were the primary wielders of the naginata for self-protection.”

“Naginata-do (the way of the naginata) is still popular with Japanese women and is part of many academic athletic programs in Japan…Extremely strong wrists and forearms are necessary for this sport.

Leave it to Taco to find a weapon that allows him to leverage his strong wrists and forearms. If you want more learning, check out this sword-on-a-stick on Wikipedia.

TACO: “You were a worthy opponent, little one, but no one survives the wrath of my blade.”

Andre meets with his soul brotha, Dr. Maxwell, about a partnership, and the two seems to hit it off pretty well besides Andre’s awkward avoidance of anything that sounds remotely racist…and Andre’s awkwardness in general. Andre tells Dr. Maxwell that he wants to be the Halliburton of plastic surgery, but he keeps running into the “diversity” issue. His anecdote about his “black friend” Percy doesn’t help his case.

Kevin and Pete workout in Kevin’s new home gym, but Pete can’t stop looking at Kevin’s “PC.” When Pete refuses to accept Kevin as a spot, Kevin catches on: “Please look me in the eyes. I’m not a piece of meat.”

Back at the bar, coming face-to-face with Kevin’s PC throws Pete off his dart game with Ruxin and off his fantasy football game in the league. Pete confesses that he picked up Ryan Grant, and Ruxin has to inform him that Ryan Grant is injured.

And that’s actually very true. So did they slip this in post-filming? Did they make their own luck Tonya Harding-style? Or (more likely) did they just reveal “The League” curse, just as dangerous as the Madden curse but able to be cast on a different player in each of 13 episodes? I don’t have answers, but that’s dangerous.

Andre returns from his meeting, which went DOPE, and announces a P. Diddy party with Dr. Maxwell to celebrate.

With “Make A Wish” Colin, Ruxin gets to meet Josh Cribbs at the hospital, but, in an ultimate act of evil, he keeps interrupting Cribbs to talk fantasy football and try to steal Cribbs away from his visit with Colin.

Cribbs will have none of it and refuses to give Ruxin the time of day in front of Colin. The force is strong with this one. “You’re a real ‘class act’ Josh Cribbs.” But Ruxin does manage to ask Cribbs to score on a kick return and rack up the all-purpose yards…for Colin, of course.

We find the whole crew (minus Jenny?) at Andre’s “Whites Only” party, where Kevin reunites with Brooke when Pete and Brooke arrive. Brooke immediately lights up into her “White Knuckle” form seeing Kevin and Kevin’s PC again. Pete’s not taking that so well, but he is easily distracted by Andre’s “Whites Only” sign, offending all the “class acts” coming into the party. “Hey, sheriff from the Deep South!”

Ruxin arrives with Josh Cribbs…and Colin, but Kevin has a surprise for him. He wrote a letter to invite Terrell Suggs, Colin’s actual favorite player, to the party out of the kindness of his…oh? Kevin has the Baltimore D/ST? Well, that’s not quite as nice. And Kevin has his own scheme: “I think Colin would love if you sacked the quarterback like 3 or 4 times, and maybe even returned a fumble for a touchdown.”

Regardless of how petty Kevin is, Ruxin is more petty, and Cribbs wants no part of helping Ruxin win now that he realizes he was duped. Suggs and Cribbs take Colin away. And thus, Ruxin’s plan is foiled.

In the season’s second musical number, Taco gets the attention of the partygoers to perform with his Naginta, but no one knows what that is…and the “class act” guests take it the wrong way since it sounds strangely like another word in the context of the song.

Dr. Maxwell cancels the partnership on the spot, and the guests are out the door. But not before, in his final act, Taco throws his Naginta into the air and hits Kevin straight in his beautiful package.

And now folks, we’ve come full circle. Andre snaps into action saving Kevin’s life, but he needs someone to apply pressure to the wound (Kevin’s penis). Ruxin and Pete are both out. So that leaves only one who can come to save the day…

Yes, that’s right. The ultimate cock block: “You! White knuckle him!” And so Brooke has to grab onto Kevin’s PC to stop the bleeding and ruin Pete’s day. THIS was a good episode.

As a bonus, here’s an outtake from this episode in which Taco goes looking for his weapon.

Memorable Lines from Episode 3

RUXIN: “Is there a ‘How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge from Your Friends For Dummies’? Because that’s the one you should’ve bought.”

ANDRE: “You guys might find this interesting.”
RUXIN: “Well, I think that’s an assumption.”

TACO: “I’m black on the inside.”
RUXIN: “What are you in here?” [Points at head]
TACO: “A race car driver!”
KEVIN: “What lap are you on?”
TACO: “33.”

PETE: “I mean, it’s basically like a public bathroom. Do I know people have been in there? Sure. But I like to pretend I’m the first.”

RUXIN: “Yeah, well, my wish was for a house in Nantucket and the respect of my peers, but we get what we get!”

RUXIN: “So you’re saying Kevin’s beautiful cock is tearing you up inside?”

ANDRE: “You are looking at a man with a life partner.”

ANDRE: “The one thing you can’t fix: Ugly penis.”

Looking ahead at the next episode: I hope we get Jenny back in the mix, and I actually wouldn’t mind a little Rafi, as long as he doesn’t hijack the episode. At least I noticed his absence in this one. Episode 3 was great and hit all the highlights of what made Season 1 kick ass. We’re going to have a good season…as long as that “The League” curse doesn’t get us all…

And for the sake of hilariousness, I’m throwing in the “Crap and a Mint” scene from last week. Crap and a mint!

[ Jump to Episode 4: “The Kluneberg” ]

The League S02E02: Rafi Vom. That’s a shot, right, “Bro-Lo El Cuñado”?

What goes up must come down. That’s a law of marriage. In this week’s episode of “The League,” titled “Bro-Lo El Cuñado,” the married gents try to score points with the wives while Rafi begins to run amok throughout the league’s inner circle. Lots of vomit in this one so let’s get started with two fingers down the throat.

Kevin has Week 1 issues, but I really don’t understand them. He needs to know whether to start Ricky Williams or Toby Gerhart. Unless the writers predicted that the Vikings would trade Adrian Peterson for a receiver, that decision seems pretty cut and dry. Start Ricky Williams against the Buffalo Bills. (SPOILER: Ricky didn’t do that well, but neither did Gerhart.)

Maybe this is just a softball question for Jenny to see if she’s still pissed that Kevin wouldn’t let her in the league (SPOILER: She is), but rules be rules. Every commish knows that. He also knows how to end an argument in the bathroom: BM, or in this case “intimacy” while the wifey is in the bathroom. Jenny, well, she no likey: “Intimacy is spooning. This is like watching the Nature channel.”

This may be a little in the category of “things that I notice when I shouldn’t,” but did anyone else notice that Kevin looked tall enough to see himself in the bathroom mirror when he was sitting on the toilet. Does that mean…? I mean, do you look at yourself?

Now we’re at the bar. Sweetness. Kevin’s justifying his BM defense and says it’s “payback for the placenta” — “It looks like a Hefty bag that washed up on the shore.” Note to self: I don’t ever want to see a baby delivered.

Pete suggests the married guys figure out a way to make the Vegas trip up to their wives. No longer married but still thinking like a champion, that’s what I like about Pete.

Ruxin reveals his evil, maniacal way of making sure his hot wife stays happy: a grand gesture called “Terrific Lady Day.” But he gets cutoff when it comes to talking about sex with his wife. I have to agree with Pete on this one.

Once you put a ring on it, it’s just not worth sharing anymore. That’s your wife now, not some random you picked up at a bar. Dude stories no longer originate from your bedroom.

Ruxin kills the mood by telling everyone that Rafi is coming by for a drink. Buzzkill. But at least Taco isn’t here this time — no risk that the universe will collapse on itself. We find out that the gang calls Rafi “El Cuñado,” which means “brother-in-law” in Spanish but, as the league demonstrates, sounds dirty.

That’s true of a lot of Spanish words. Do you know what “cleanse” is in Spanish?

I feel justified in disliking Rafi as a character because the rest of the league does, but I’m afraid that as the season goes on, I’m going to start to like him, even if he is “a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus,” as Ruxin used to describe him.

After everyone recovers from the announcement that “El Cuñado” will not only be invading the league but also their social lives, Kevin sees Lily, a rival from work. Sounds like she’s better at rubbing elbows with the bossman than Kevin is. Anyone who uses “synergy” in daily work lingo probably is. They are also probably an asshole.

But as soon as she appears, Lily’s sucking face with Taco. Kevin goes over to them only to get the work-talk treatment.

If there’s one thing that is inappropriate for bar talk, it’s work talk when people you don’t work with are around. Sure, you can say you hate your job or “What day is it?” or “Man, the boss won’t like where I am at 10 a.m. on a Monday” in a bar, but don’t bring up the work talk at happy hour or at night in front of others. Just don’t. *Jumps off soapbox to return to writing recap*

Taco plays the cool card by explaining that he only “humors” Kevin and the league by playing fantasy football. Stab me in the eye.

Anyone who plays fantasy football knows that you can’t play just to humor someone. It takes dedication, and whether you like it or not, it eventually leads to a complete obsession. It’s inevitable. You start out just wanting to learn a few more things about football, maybe follow it in the offseason. Then BAM! You’re scratching at your neckbeard like a crackhead outside of a Best Buy squinting through the glass to see the latest SportsCenter update on Beanie Wells’ injury at 2 a.m. There is no middle ground.

Andre uses the “unblinking eye of Sauron” trash-talk. A classic line–some would even say legendary–but too easily countered by a “Frodo Baggins” reference, but before that can happen…Oh, Rafi’s back. Get him off the screen! What’s he got going on? Oh, he’s bragging about how much he is “killing it” in his fantasy football league? Before Week 1? What? Oh, he’s talking about soccer? And he calls it real football? Soccer is what assholes call it?

If Rafi never appears in another episode, I wouldn’t even question the writing. The league hates him, he takes another man’s beer as his own (Who does that?), and he is terrible at fantasy football. I get that he adds a little to the dynamic to the group, but if we had to eat one cast member to stay alive on an island, I know who we’d choose.

Ruxin, in the dick move of dick moves, tells Rafi that Pete and Andre are going to a party this weekend, but Pete is quick enough on his feet to convince Rafi that it’s his turn to be the designated driver…in Andre’s car. At least it’s almost the weekend.

Kevin decides to turn his work fundraiser dinner into an “adult weekend” with Jenny to win some points on his fantasy marriage team. I’ve never actually seen Ben Bernanke get a woman hot before…and I’m still trying to understand. It’s the stache, right?

At the fundraiser, Jenny’s pimping new earrings, scored as a gift from her mom and passed down from her grandmother. Obviously, she doesn’t bring the grandkid around enough because those earrings are straight bribery. I know how parents work.

Taco’s at the work function bar rockin’ an Uncle Frank suit for Lily, Kevin’s co-worker who is all over Taco’s junk. For a slacker, he certainly knows how to work those Type-A ladies. Jenny and Kevin make smalltalk, and somehow that gives Jenny the Ben Barnanke feeling (gotta be the stache), so the two of them head up to the room.

Maybe this deleted scene explains where Jenny found the inspiration…and then again, maybe not. At least it’s clear that Taco is in love.

Party time! Rafi, Andre, and Pete arrive at a house party complaining about how crappy Andre’s Porsche Cayenne drives. I’m guessing that’s very Porsche, but I wouldn’t know because I’m a Lambo man. Andre immediately begins the search for Molly, the chick he is there to see, but first, he has to give Rafi his number in case they get separated. Too clingy, that Rafi.

Pete discovers that Rafi is flasking it. Clearly, he doesn’t really get what a DD is, but it did give us a new definition to add to the fantasy football lexicon.

Designated Driver: “When you need somebody to drive, I do it.”

And we got this priceless exchange:

RAFI: “Like 30 minutes before we’re gonna leave, you give me the heads up. I’ll go to the bathroom, I’ll crap the booze out, have a mint, good to go.”
PETE: “Crap and a mint?”
RAFI: “Crap the booze out.”
PETE: “It works?”
RAFI: “Sorta. Yeah!”

Sorta Braylon Edwards!

At long last, we finally get a report from “Terrific Lady Day.” Looks like they had a nice little Saturday — a little Farmer’s Market, a little Pottery Barn, I’m sure. Ruxin also won points for getting Rafi into the fantasy football league. Ah-ha, now we see what evil hath Ruxin wrought. That’s so dick…but who can blame him?

Back at the party, Rafi’s swooping in on Andre’s girl. He even uses Andre’s car to his advantage, not unlike the way Taco used Andre’s ATM receipts to his advantage back in Season 1 — another Rafi-Taco similarity. You know, I just realized their names both have only four letters. I think Rafi-Taco is the new Lincoln-Kennedy. Maybe Rafi had a secretary named Taco, and Taco had a secretary named Rafi. This is getting too weird.

Andre tasks Pete with removing Rafi from the situation, and Pete promises to “do to him what I do to you.” Pete tells Rafi that a Matt Forte-lookalike across the room is, in fact, Matt Forte (worked on Andre with Anquan). The Matt Forte doppelgänger is getting tanked, so Rafi needs to trade him before the game tomorrow.

Rafi suggests he kill him first, but yeah, not the best of plans. I’ve seen “CSI.” A guy that hairy would never get away with it.

So Rafi decides to rush off to an Internet café to make a trade. Hold on there, and welcome to the 21st century, bud. We have smartphones, and you’re at a house party. There’s not a single computer or Internet-ready device there for you to use to log in to your fantasy team? TVs can manage your fantasy roster for you now, and Rafi has to go to an Internet café? I thought those were just so homeless people could access porn, as is their right as Americans.

The scheme works. Rafi bolts, but, unfortunately for Andre, he takes the girl and the car with him on his quest to find an “Internet café” late at night in Chicago. They have no hope of calling him because Andre gave him a fake number.

Kevin and Jenny just finished their Bernanke time. To cure his post-coital dry mouth, Kevin chugs a glass of water that just happened to contain Jenny’s brand new grandmother-inherited earrings. Time to join the bulimia team. Binge and purge!

Jenny and Kevin play doctor, but he won’t puke with the medicine-induced vomiting or the sucker punch to the stomach. Time for Phase 2: Jenny-monitored poop-n-sift. But before we get to that, they have to go back downstairs to hear the boss’ speech, and, of course, that’s when the medicine strikes.

We’ll call this Vomit Phase 3: the puke in front of your boss and co-workers phase. Now, not only is Kevin pegged as the character most likely to be killed off this season, he’s also probably the most likely character to join Taco’s ringtone business when he’s out of a job.

Ruxin checks out of “Terrific Lady Day” and finds a trade waiting for him. He’s a true player–laptop logged in and ready to go at all times.

Rafi’s just offered him Matt Forte, and he doesn’t know why. So he ties up his wife, Sofia, and blindfolds her, using his dirty talk delay to check the latest updates on Forte. Ruxin is the weakest spanker ever.

Pete and Andre show up to try and track down Rafi, but instead, they find Ruxin accepting the trade and about to dominate Andre on Sunday. Andre demands he drop Forte, and Pete and Andre follow him back into the bedroom to make it happen.

In the confusion of the silent argument over a half-naked, tied-up woman, Sofia mistakes Pete for Ruxin and starts given him the foot jibber treatment, which forces Ruxin’s hand. He makes the drop, and Pete and Andre vanish into the night.

But won’t the league now have to fight over who gets to claim Matt Forte off waivers as soon as Week 1 games are over?

Rafi shows up in Andre’s car and storms right into the bedroom to thank Ruxin for the trade, shutting “Terrific Lady Day” down for good. And as we close, we come full circle when Rafi comes down with Vomit Phase 1, caused by all the vanilla-scented candles.

Memorable “Might Be His Last Episode” Rafi One-Liners from Episode 2

RAFI: “I am going to have non-consensual sex with your face and your butt, and then I’m coming for your wife and your kid. I’m just kidding, man…”

RAFI: “Jukebox! I’m gonna put $7 worth a Hoobastank in it, and I’m coming back to hang with you, bros!”

RAFI: “Let’s all get the same girl pregnant tonight.”

ANDRE: “This is our 9/11.” [about Rafi]

RAFI: “Relax, man. You don’t have to cover her up. We shared a room until we were 18.”

Looking ahead at the next episode: Okay, okay, I get that Rafi is here to stay. He’s even growing on me a little. Just get us some fantasy football talk in there and school him up a bit. I’m hoping a Week 1 loss will give him a little drive to achieve.

[ Jump to Episode 3: “The White Knuckler” ]