When we last left The League, the guys had just ruined any chance of Baby Geoffrey getting into a good Jewish preschool with Nazism and porn. It sounds hard to do, but in this crew, it’s really not. With that educational opportunity out of the picture, Ruxin hatches a new plan to salvage Baby Geoffrey’s childhood.
He’s going to hire an au pair.
Pete and Kevin’s jealousy upon hearing this announcement just begins to rise as everyone’s favorite league loser, Andre, arrives.
The Sacko winner is entering the online dating world in a big way thanks to a dubious dating profile video that Taco directed. Despite some scenes of Andre’s video being passable as deleted scenes from a Bloodhound Gang music video, the video goes viral (hey-oh! But seriously, that’s too easy of a target).
So to decide who truly has the most going for them, the gang compares the au pairs and Andre’s potential dates side by side. They have the same basic criteria, besides Ruxin’s reading requirement, since Ruxin’s greatest wish for Baby Geoffrey is that he get used to being around really, really ridiculously good-looking ladies (besides the one that birthed him, I guess) at as young an age as possible, even if his au pair struggles in the baby care department.
We only get to see a few ladies before Ruxin shows off his favorite, Ashley. She’s far too young to care for a child, but how can that go wrong? She’s hot, and I’m sure she makes a mean guac.
Come Sunday, the league members, sans Jenny, all find a way to go to Ruxin’s house and meet Ashley the Au Pair. Each tries to charm her pants off while she deals with Baby Geoffrey’s, but none are very successful in covering their tracks to Sofia, especially not Andre and his retrograde uterus bomb.
When the guys pay attention to the football games happening on this particular Sunday, Andre goes off on Mike Tolbert, touchdown vulture extraordinaire, for trotting out to take the short-yardage score for San Diego in place of his guy, Ryan Mathews.
Vultures are a particularly gruesome part of fantasy football. I hate them as well, but I absolutely love the vulture screech Ruxin throws down during the argument. I’m going to need someone to turn that into an animated .gif right away…
OH WAIT, someone did.
Credit goes to danielleosaurus-rex on Tumblr.
For reasons that are never really made clear to us, Jenny drags Kevin and Taco to the Greater Chicago Real Estate Conference. The bros grab a drink at the hotel bar while she networks, and Kevin sights the prettiest girl in the place, Matthew Berry.
Or should I say ESPN’s The Talented Mr. Roto, Matthew Berry. I’m not sure if I’m a company man, but I did read Berry’s column the week his episode of The League aired. He says a lot of nice things about the show, and I agree. Also, fantasy advice. That’s what he does. Go figure. Who does that?
In light of his horrible fantasy skills, Kevin gears up to approach Berry by buying the TMR a beer.
Now, I wouldn’t normally consider buying a guy a beer as a great opening move, guy to guy, but it seems to work for Kevin as he manages to play it cool and not become a fantasy annoyance. At least not until Taco enters the mix and ruins the mystique that Kevin had created by revealing that Kevin’s never won the league. Never.
We knew Kevin would screw it up eventually anyway. He did have some lame questions. “What do I do if my defense is playing my quarterback?” Come on, Kevin, you don’t need to ask that. You play the best defense every week no matter who they play…OR you hope the only interception your quarterback throws gets returned for a pick-six.
I’d say we should all have better questions to ask when we come face to face with a true fantasy guru, but when you run into celebrities, all of us sound like idiots. Nothing you say to a celebrity will ever sound cool. If you’re lucky, it won’t sound like you keep hair dolls of them in your pockets.
This truism is how Keanu Reeves can still get away with saying things like “Woah…” How would he know it’s not common for everyone to do that? That’s all he ever hears.
Berry takes pity on Kevin so he drops his business card and an open invitation to ask him fantasy questions when Kevin needs help. Against all advice any married man would give, Kevin, I remind you, a married man himself, decides to keep the entire exchange a secret so that Jenny won’t ruin his fantasy relationship with Berry. Heaven help him. (But he’ll go the other route.)
Speaking of that other, at the Ruxin home (should I just say Hell or is that too forward?), Ruxin forgets he’s not alone and starts into a “sweet and salty” dance while piling on the crackers and jelly.
I’ve personally never seen this happen or experienced it, but now I’m strangely curious…
Do people really eat crackers with jelly? Is that a thing? Please let me know in the comments if you’ve ever done the “Sweet and salty! CRUNCHY TOO!” thing. I must know what I’m missing.
Unaware of Ruxin’s decadence, Ashley the Au Pair (I just like the sound of the full title) hears someone in the house and comes to investigate. But by the time she gets to Ruxin, he’s changed into full Mad Men mode to hide his sweet and salty dance party and mask his breath with a martini.
Slow and steady, Andre lays out his well-researched first date plan in front of Pete since Andre’s still trying to work out all the kinks before he takes out any potential dates. It is pretty genius. Rock climbing? I’ve never thought of it, but the benefits are obvious.
Still, Pete finds Andre’s date details only mildly interesting until Kevin arrives, bursting at the seams to tell everyone about meeting Berry.
Andre asks Kevin if he “negged” the TMR. I’m not ashamed to admit I had to look that up. I’ve done you the service of linking it up. Not something I would think to do, but maybe I’m doing it wrong.
Before Kevin can take Berry out on a fantasy man-date, he has to learn how to lie so that he can avoid telling Jenny. To do that, Kevin goes to the best worst person he knows, Ruxin.
Following Ruxin on his daily errands, Kevin watches Ruxin destroy lives, take names, and get everything he wants for free. It’s truly inspiring and horrifying at the same time. I guess now we know why Ruxin’s a defense attorney and why Kevin’s a prosecutor.
Something tells me that Ruxin’s currently plotting against Tim Tebow.
Armed with Ruxin’s insider tips on how to lie perfectly and completely, Kevin’s ready. He slips an excuse about work past Jenny to explain why he stays in the car to text Berry the details of their date. Well played, Kevin, but you just lost a little piece of your soul.
Back on the dating scene, Andre’s still taking his time working through all the details. He takes Taco to his first date restaurant of choice to talk through more of the meal option for his date, only to run into a problem explaining the concept of a “date” to Taco. To top things off, he discovers Pete “vulturing” one of his dates with his own game plan. “You’re the Mike Tolbert of my life!”
The night of the “dates,” Kevin and Andre arrive at the same restaurant. Both Andre’s date and Matthew Berry have already arrived, and as is the trend with Andre’s luck, Berry’s “vulturing” this date from him, even as a married man.
Andre doesn’t handle the scene too well and probably acts a bit too aggressively towards a guy that was just trying to help his date find a suitable vulture before meeting Andre for a date she knew was destined to fail. She had already decided Andre wasn’t third down material, just like Norv Turner, and Berry tries to explain this to Andre, despite his protests.
The conversation goes south quickly, and it’s at that point Kevin steps in, only to take a punch from Andre aimed not-so-squarely at the TMR. The tension in the bar forces Berry to book it out of there, leaving Andre and Kevin with nothing but each other, horrible dating and fantasy team management skills, and plenty of unanswered questions.
Back in Hell’s Kitchen (see what I did there?), Ruxin wakes to find Pete making tea…for two.
Eye contact and a half chub later, we find out that a promise has been broken. Pete’s not wearing pants…and he vultured Ruxin’s au pair. For shame!
Memorable quotes from Episode 3:
TACO: “Say ‘I operate on women LIKE A MAN!’”
RUXIN: “I gotta ask…have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?”
TACO: “Guys, online dating is a perfectly acceptable way for those society has shunned to get together and ideally colonize another planet.”
TACO: “No, obvious would be human beings having sex, and Andre made me take those images out.”
RUXIN: “I don’t want my kid going to the park and getting his dong cleaned by some uggo with a ‘stache.”
JENNY [impersonating Kevin]: “You said ‘WHAT? I’ve got testicular cancer.’”
RUXIN: “I don’t have a urinal…just a shower that you pee in.”
ANDRE: “You leave me out there like an island. The only thing I could say was uterus after elbows over here.”
TACO: “I’ve already have two au pairs touching my dinger. I don’t need a third.”
KEVIN [on Andre's charm machine]: “Is it steam-powered?”
ANDRE: “It’s hydraulics.”
PETE: “Vulturing’s the way to go, man. Minimum effort, maximum results.”
[Ruxin vulture sound]
TACO: “Matt Damon’s here?”
KEVIN: “Matthew Berry is the prettiest girl in this bar, and I’m going to go hit on him. Hello.”
RUXIN: “Sweet and salty, crunchy too! … Oh, hello, Ashley, I didn’t know you were home. Just having a martini after a long day of defending the innocent, but don’t you worry. I always drink responsibly.”
ANDRE: “Tell me a girl who is not a fan of Mission Impossible 2.”
KEVIN: “I got Matthew Berry’s phone number.”
RUXIN: “What the tits?!”
RUXIN: “You don’t need to whisper. We’re in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here.”
RUXIN: “I’m very flattered insulted by that.”
TACO: “Why don’t you just have sex with her when you meet her?”
ANDRE: “You’re the Mike Tolbert of my life!”
ANDRE: “She’s just being…you know…cautiously optimistic.”
MATTHEW BERRY: “We have different definitions of that word.”
MATTHEW BERRY: “Listen, a lot of guys move the chains, and then someone else comes in and scores a touchdown. That’s okay. We need chain movers.”
MATTHEW BERRY [to Andre's date]: “You will be dating a Chicago Bear by the end of the week.”
RUXIN: “Eye contact? And a half chub?”