Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

The League S03E04: Kevin’s Ol’ Smoke Crotch and Golden Gating with Rafi

Andre explains his use of "dick spit"

It seems Ruxin’s finally paying for all his misdeeds this season…or could it be that there’s a Madden curse hex on the champion of the league? Andre did get a taste of his own medicine when he defiled the trophy after winning the last year.

So far in Ruxin’s reign, his son has missed his chance to go to Jewish preschool when Andre’s Sacko porn debuted a tad too early, and now Pete’s sleeping with his au pair under his own roof. It all gets even worse for Ruxin this week as he’s left with Baby Geoffrey just long enough for his son to eat an ice cube (“No water cookies!”) from the urinal and become “forever unclean.”

What did he do to deserve this? Oh, wait…it’s Ruxin.

Everyone’s getting older, and part of dealing with that is handling the pee. The older you get, as a guy, the harder it gets (I have to assume) to actually get pee in the toilet and not all over yourself.

Each of the guys is dealing with this issue in their own way — Taco with his own “Taco Marked” pee bib, Ruxin by trying to rub the pee of his pants (and getting caught in a compromising position by Ashley in the process) — but it’s Kevin who deals with something even worse than a little trickle.

Kevin finds a white pube.

In doing some product testing for Taco’s pee bib concept, a leftover cocktail napkin from Kevin and Jenny’s wedding, Kevin finds a dreaded white hair on the napkin.

It’s the saddest moment in a man’s life when he realizes his days are limited. He’s not immortal. He’s not going to live forever. The pubes will not always be fire crotchety…or brown…or whatever your color may happen to be.

Someday, we’ll all have a smoke crotch.

But Kevin finds his first white pube and is immediately disturbed. He already has a complex around the other guys in the league. Sure, he has more hair than Andre, more money than Pete, more success than Taco, and more of his soul than Ruxin, but it’s hard to remind yourself of that when confronted with your own white pube, especially with the type of conversations that are taking place these days within the league circle.

Pete’s busying the guys with talk of his sexual renaissance with Ashley the Au Pair and trying to solve the mystery of the “Golden Gate” sexual position she wants to try. No one has a clue, although it’s safe to rule out it’s not having sex and then jumping off a bridge. Andre’s former lady friend didn’t have a name for that one when she did it.

Little does Pete know that a “Golden Gate” involves Rafi, who Ruxin invites into his house to scare out Ashley the Au Pair when she seizes power after catches Ruxin allegedly whacking it to her application photo.

Ruxin gets Caught by Ashley the Au Pair

By the way, there’s the answer to the question we’ve always asked, “Who does the devil make a deal with when the devil can’t get something done?” Rafi.

To Pete’s credit, the “Golden Gate” Ashley wanted to do with Rafi doesn’t seem to appear under the name “Golden Gate” in any resource I found. (Those links are NSFW, in case you were wondering.)

Needless to say, Pete bailed out of his relationship with Ashley and left her to Rafi once he finally found out how to make the “bridge” for a “Golden Gate.” But a single Ashley gives Ruxin more problems.

So, in the matter of the white pube, it’s up to Kevin to solve his problem on his own. Andre reaches out to him, without really knowing that Kevin’s crotch hair is the real problem, and the two go to the spa together to rejuvenate. There, Kevin finds many an uncomfortable moment with Andre’s half-nude body and awkward closeness, but he also finds hope…and an eyebrow wax.

It’s not until after the spa (and after Taco, on his own, stumbles across one of Kevin’s white pubes and, thus, his secret) that Kevin decides that something must be done.

On Sunday, with the rest of the league downstairs discussing the merits of Taco’s Taco Marked pee bib prototype, Kevin takes the brown dye (but isn’t he a redhead?) to his down under so that he can look and feel young and virile once again.

In his rush to get back to the gang downstairs while they harass him for taking so long in the bathroom, Kevin reaches for the blow dryer. And that somehow manages to catch his crotch on fire.

So instead of “ol’ smoke crotch,” Kevin got the real thing — an old, smokey crotch. That is, once he put the flames out on his firecrotch with Taco’s pee bibs.

So many questions. Will he let Andre do the reconstructive surgery? Will Rafi stop banging Ashley in Ruxin’s house? Will Ruxin ever figure out which corner was Rafi’s pee corner?

We may never know. Or we might find out next week.

Memorable quotes from Episode 4:

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire.”

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, FOREVER UNCLEAN!”

RUXIN: “I will legally take care of him because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.”

KEVIN: “This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.”

KEVIN: “Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old, and it hasn’t even lived yet.”

RUXIN: “I’m not a disgusting pig. I peed on myself.”

RUXIN: “…I fed him turkey chili for lunch. Oh, that crib’s gonna be a war zone.”

KEVIN [on Golden Gate]: “I think it’s code for anal.”
PETE: “Oh, we don’t use code words for that.”

RUXIN: “You think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?”

ANDRE: “Look, we all have our little secrets. For example…[whispers]…I’m losing my hair.”

RAFI: “That means my wiener needs to be out.”

RAFI: “Can you just say the word ‘yes’? Just say it out loud!”
ASHLEY: “Yes…”
RAFI [to Ruxin]: “CONSENT! You heard it. You’re a lawyer.”

RAFI: “Yeah, I’m going to court-martial her…vagina…with my wiener.”

Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

RUXIN: “There’s no pee corner.”
RAFI: “No, I know what I do. You know what I mean? Like, I’m going to use that as my pee corner, and I’m going to use this as my slop basket.”

ANDRE: “You ever swallow your own spit? It’s the same idea. Same idea as spit! … It’s dick spit. Come on!”

RUXIN: “…I’m sorry for interrupting you.”
RAFI: “You’re watching it happen right now.”

RUXIN: “Facial?”
ALL: “…Okay. [and the requisite bowing]”

TACO: “You look like a china doll of Kevin.”

TACO: “What about Casper the Friendly Pube? Was he there?”

PETE: “Come on, Kevin. Where there was fire, there’s smoke…crotch.”

RAFI: “We’re building a bridge!”

PETE: “Too much hair on the bridge. It’s a hairy bridge!”

RAFI: “Oh, dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian’s so my dick is TERRIFYING!”

PETE: “No golden gating. I hate San Francisco. I’m dropping Vernon Davis, and…uh…” [runs out of bedroom]

KEVIN: “I’m on the toilet, babe. It’s complicated.”
JENNY: “You’re disgusting. I love you. Good luck.”

RAFI: “I already heard all the details because Rafi broke into the shower while I was in there, told me the story, and then, purely based off instinct, tried to shiv me.”

TACO: “97 percent of the time, the pee bib worked…unless I had an erection…”

TACO: “Leave the ideas to the IDEA man.”

RUXIN: “I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you?”
JENNY: “He doesn’t do that…anymore.”

TACO: “Hey, Santa Cock! Are you dreaming of a white Dickmas?”

RAFI: “I feel like I just got milked.”

RAFI: “Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty f**king classy.”

RUXIN: “Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”

Ruxin's Vulture Flap in Animated GIF form

The League S03E03: Ruxin gets The Au Pair (or Ruxin finally grows Au Pair)

When we last left The League, the guys had just ruined any chance of Baby Geoffrey getting into a good Jewish preschool with Nazism and porn. It sounds hard to do, but in this crew, it’s really not. With that educational opportunity out of the picture, Ruxin hatches a new plan to salvage Baby Geoffrey’s childhood.

He’s going to hire an au pair.

Pete and Kevin’s jealousy upon hearing this announcement just begins to rise as everyone’s favorite league loser, Andre, arrives.

The Sacko winner is entering the online dating world in a big way thanks to a dubious dating profile video that Taco directed. Despite some scenes of Andre’s video being passable as deleted scenes from a Bloodhound Gang music video, the video goes viral (hey-oh! But seriously, that’s too easy of a target).

So to decide who truly has the most going for them, the gang compares the au pairs and Andre’s potential dates side by side. They have the same basic criteria, besides Ruxin’s reading requirement, since Ruxin’s greatest wish for Baby Geoffrey is that he get used to being around really, really ridiculously good-looking ladies (besides the one that birthed him, I guess) at as young an age as possible, even if his au pair struggles in the baby care department.

We only get to see a few ladies before Ruxin shows off his favorite, Ashley. She’s far too young to care for a child, but how can that go wrong? She’s hot, and I’m sure she makes a mean guac.

Come Sunday, the league members, sans Jenny, all find a way to go to Ruxin’s house and meet Ashley the Au Pair. Each tries to charm her pants off while she deals with Baby Geoffrey’s, but none are very successful in covering their tracks to Sofia, especially not Andre and his retrograde uterus bomb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJliKDhH3LQ

When the guys pay attention to the football games happening on this particular Sunday, Andre goes off on Mike Tolbert, touchdown vulture extraordinaire, for trotting out to take the short-yardage score for San Diego in place of his guy, Ryan Mathews.

Vultures are a particularly gruesome part of fantasy football. I hate them as well, but I absolutely love the vulture screech Ruxin throws down during the argument. I’m going to need someone to turn that into an animated .gif right away…

OH WAIT, someone did.
Ruxin's Vulture Flap in Animated GIF form
Credit goes to danielleosaurus-rex on Tumblr.

For reasons that are never really made clear to us, Jenny drags Kevin and Taco to the Greater Chicago Real Estate Conference. The bros grab a drink at the hotel bar while she networks, and Kevin sights the prettiest girl in the place, Matthew Berry.

Or should I say ESPN’s The Talented Mr. Roto, Matthew Berry. I’m  not sure if I’m a company man, but I did read Berry’s column the week his episode of The League aired. He says a lot of nice things about the show, and I agree. Also, fantasy advice. That’s what he does. Go figure. Who does that?

In light of his horrible fantasy skills, Kevin gears up to approach Berry by buying the TMR a beer.

Now, I wouldn’t normally consider buying a guy a beer as a great opening move, guy to guy, but it seems to work for Kevin as he manages to play it cool and not become a fantasy annoyance. At least not until Taco enters the mix and ruins the mystique that Kevin had created by revealing that Kevin’s never won the league. Never.

We knew Kevin would screw it up eventually anyway. He did have some lame questions. “What do I do if my defense is playing my quarterback?” Come on, Kevin, you don’t need to ask that. You play the best defense every week no matter who they play…OR you hope the only interception your quarterback throws gets returned for a pick-six.

I’d say we should all have better questions to ask when we come face to face with a true fantasy guru, but when you run into celebrities, all of us sound like idiots. Nothing you say to a celebrity will ever sound cool. If you’re lucky, it won’t sound like you keep hair dolls of them in your pockets.

This truism is how Keanu Reeves can still get away with saying things like “Woah…” How would he know it’s not common for everyone to do that? That’s all he ever hears.

Berry takes pity on Kevin so he drops his business card and an open invitation to ask him fantasy questions when Kevin needs help. Against all advice any married man would give, Kevin, I remind you, a married man himself, decides to keep the entire exchange a secret so that Jenny won’t ruin his fantasy relationship with Berry. Heaven help him. (But he’ll go the other route.)

Speaking of that other, at the Ruxin home (should I just say Hell or is that too forward?), Ruxin forgets he’s not alone and starts into a “sweet and salty” dance while piling on the crackers and jelly.

I’ve personally never seen this happen or experienced it, but now I’m strangely curious…

Do people really eat crackers with jelly? Is that a thing? Please let me know in the comments if you’ve ever done the “Sweet and salty! CRUNCHY TOO!” thing. I must know what I’m missing.

Ruxin with Martini

Credit again to danielleosaurus-rex

Unaware of Ruxin’s decadence, Ashley the Au Pair (I just like the sound of the full title) hears someone in the house and comes to investigate. But by the time she gets to Ruxin, he’s changed into full Mad Men mode to hide his sweet and salty dance party and mask his breath with a martini.

Slow and steady, Andre lays out his well-researched first date plan in front of Pete since Andre’s still trying to work out all the kinks before he takes out any potential dates. It is pretty genius. Rock climbing? I’ve never thought of it, but the benefits are obvious.

Still, Pete finds Andre’s date details only mildly interesting until Kevin arrives, bursting at the seams to tell everyone about meeting Berry.

Andre asks Kevin if he “negged” the TMR. I’m not ashamed to admit I had to look that up. I’ve done you the service of linking it up. Not something I would think to do, but maybe I’m doing it wrong.

Before Kevin can take Berry out on a fantasy man-date, he has to learn how to lie so that he can avoid telling Jenny. To do that, Kevin goes to the best worst person he knows, Ruxin.

Following Ruxin on his daily errands, Kevin watches Ruxin destroy lives, take names, and get everything he wants for free. It’s truly inspiring and horrifying at the same time. I guess now we know why Ruxin’s a defense attorney and why Kevin’s a prosecutor.

Something tells me that Ruxin’s currently plotting against Tim Tebow.

Armed with Ruxin’s insider tips on how to lie perfectly and completely, Kevin’s ready. He slips an excuse about work past Jenny to explain why he stays in the car to text Berry the details of their date. Well played, Kevin, but you just lost a little piece of your soul.

Back on the dating scene, Andre’s still taking his time working through all the details. He takes Taco to his first date restaurant of choice to talk through more of the meal option for his date, only to run into a problem explaining the concept of a “date” to Taco. To top things off, he discovers Pete “vulturing” one of his dates with his own game plan. “You’re the Mike Tolbert of my life!”

The night of the “dates,” Kevin and Andre arrive at the same restaurant. Both Andre’s date and Matthew Berry have already arrived, and as is the trend with Andre’s luck, Berry’s “vulturing” this date from him, even as a married man.

Andre doesn’t handle the scene too well and probably acts a bit too aggressively towards a guy that was just trying to help his date find a suitable vulture before meeting Andre for a date she knew was destined to fail. She had already decided Andre wasn’t third down material, just like Norv Turner, and Berry tries to explain this to Andre, despite his protests.

The conversation goes south quickly, and it’s at that point Kevin steps in, only to take a punch from Andre aimed not-so-squarely at the TMR. The tension in the bar forces Berry to book it out of there, leaving Andre and Kevin with nothing but each other, horrible dating and fantasy team management skills, and plenty of unanswered questions.

Back in Hell’s Kitchen (see what I did there?), Ruxin wakes to find Pete making tea…for two.

Eye contact and a half chub later, we find out that a promise has been broken. Pete’s not wearing pants…and he vultured Ruxin’s au pair. For shame!

Memorable quotes from Episode 3:

TACO: “Say ‘I operate on women LIKE A MAN!’”

RUXIN: “I gotta ask…have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?”

TACO: “Guys, online dating is a perfectly acceptable way for those society has shunned to get together and ideally colonize another planet.”

TACO: “No, obvious would be human beings having sex, and Andre made me take those images out.”

RUXIN: “I don’t want my kid going to the park and getting his dong cleaned by some uggo with a ‘stache.”

JENNY [impersonating Kevin]: “You said ‘WHAT? I’ve got testicular cancer.’”

RUXIN: “I don’t have a urinal…just a shower that you pee in.”

ANDRE: “You leave me out there like an island. The only thing I could say was uterus after elbows over here.”

TACO: “I’ve already have two au pairs touching my dinger. I don’t need a third.”

KEVIN [on Andre's charm machine]: “Is it steam-powered?”
ANDRE: “It’s hydraulics.”

PETE: “Vulturing’s the way to go, man. Minimum effort, maximum results.”
[Ruxin vulture sound]

TACO: “Matt Damon’s here?”

KEVIN: “Matthew Berry is the prettiest girl in this bar, and I’m going to go hit on him. Hello.”

RUXIN: “Sweet and salty, crunchy too! … Oh, hello, Ashley, I didn’t know you were home. Just having a martini after a long day of defending the innocent, but don’t you worry. I always drink responsibly.”

ANDRE: “Tell me a girl who is not a fan of Mission Impossible 2.”

KEVIN: “I got Matthew Berry’s phone number.”
RUXIN: “What the tits?!

RUXIN: “You don’t need to whisper. We’re in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here.”

RUXIN: “I’m very flattered insulted by that.”

TACO: “Why don’t you just have sex with her when you meet her?”

ANDRE: “You’re the Mike Tolbert of my life!”

ANDRE: “She’s just being…you know…cautiously optimistic.”
MATTHEW BERRY: “We have different definitions of that word.”

MATTHEW BERRY: “Listen, a lot of guys move the chains, and then someone else comes in and scores a touchdown. That’s okay. We need chain movers.”

MATTHEW BERRY [to Andre's date]: “You will be dating a Chicago Bear by the end of the week.”

RUXIN: “Eye contact? And a half chub?”