The League S02E11: Death, Lies, and “Ramona Neopolitano”

Men learn at a very young age that boobs are distracting, and Ruxin proves this when his own wife starts breastfeeding his 19-month-old son while smoozing a client at dinner. Clearly, his son has already taken notice.

Is 19 months too old to be breastfeeding? I have no idea, but the client’s reaction paired with his kid appearing to be the size of Andre leads me to believe this is not normal.

Speaking of Andre, he’s taken to bringing his own snacks to the bar as part of his pure soy diet. When one of those homemade snacks causes him to choke momentarily, Taco reveals that he’s writing obituaries for everyone in the league, predicting their sudden and untimely demises in a very Taco way. At least he’s prepared.

K-dog, a.k.a. Kevin, calls into Fantasy Sports Radio with fantasy experts John Hansen (Is that Chris Hansen’s brother?) and Adam Caplan to ask whether he should start Robert Meachem or Mike Wallace. They tell him to roll with Wallace, despite how close they are in the rankings.

An important caveat here: when you consult anyone about your fantasy roster, their decision will inevitably prove to be your downfall. It happens every time. If you ask who to start, the one you sit will be the better player that week.

You can try to be tricky. Some people may ask another who to start and then go against the advice in order to win out in the end. But it doesn’t work. Somehow the fantasy gods know what you were trying to pull, and they make sure that the player on your bench outperforms your starter.

Such is fantasy football. Moral of the story: It’s usually best to live or die by your own hand.

Now back to the show.

Pete’s at the office (Wait, Pete has an office?) working on his fantasy team (What else do you do in your office?) when he gets called into see the bossman.

His boss pulled Pete’s Internet records, which prove that all Pete does is look at porn and fantasy football. Some would argue that those are the two main food groups of the Internet.

Pete’s offered a chance to keep his job if he can help his boss compete in his fantasy league with the other VPs. Pete’s boss needs the “Reaking Haddocks” to win the next two weeks to save face.

But as fate would have it, Pete gets stuck in the elevator on his way up to his office to set lineups for Thursday Night Football. He’s forced to go into superhero mode, jump into the ceiling, get a bar, and pry the doors open. A suit who happens to be in the elevator at the time wants to thank him, and the woman he saved wants to date him. But with only one thing on his mind, Pete bolts to a computer to try to get lineups set in time for kickoff.

Unfortunately, he only has time to lock in one lineup…and he chooses his own. Pete dooms the “Reaking Haddocks” to fail by not setting a starting quarterback before the rosters froze.

That weekend, as we would have expected, Meachem has a big week. Kevin’s fit that follows leads Pete to call him a “rankings slave” for taking rankings as gospel without consideration for any other factor.

Normally that’d just go down as friendly banter between leaguemates, but Jenny confirms that Kevin has a real problem with rankings by pointing out his purchase of the Neopolitano Ramona cappuccino maker, which Kevin bought because it was the No. 1 cappuccino maker even though he never uses it.

Taco appropriately updates Kevin’s obituary so that he’s prepared when Kevin’s No. 1 ranked GPS leads him straight off a cliff. Taco’s prediction, not mine.

Watching his team fall apart for another week in a row and pumped full of soy that’s giving him lady parts, Andre hits a breaking point and has to leave. Taco updates Andre’s obit to detail how he sadly succumbed to ovarian cancer in 2014.

In a moment of desperation, Ruxin decides to call into the same Fantasy Sports Radio show, but in order to get them to answer his question, he has to fabricate a story about his first wife’s death.

Sofia overhears his sad tale and assumes Ruxin’s been hiding his first wife’s death from her all this time. Under the pressure of being confronted and caught in a brief lull in creativity, Ruxin tells Sofia that his first wife’s name was Ramona Neopolitano.

I bet she liked cappuccinos.

Infuriated by Meachem’s outscoring of Mike Wallace, Kevin calls back in to take it out on the hosts of the Fantasy Sports Radio show. But the hosts just call him a rankings slave, too. When his complaints continue, Fantasy Guru John Hansen bans him from the show…for life.

Unsurprisingly, Pete finds his boss fuming about getting shafted with an illegal lineup when Pete goes into work the next day. He attempts to fire Pete there on the spot, but the suit that Pete saved back in the elevator must be the VP of perfect timing.

The suit just happens to be passing by when the firing takes place and demands that the “hero” be protected. He’s a company man, after all.

Just goes to show you that looking at nothing but fantasy football and porn while you’re at work makes you management material. Have we learned nothing from Office Space?

On Sunday, Ruxin invites the league over to watch football at his house, but he must first prep them that his wifey now believes she’s the second wife of a widower.

But more importantly, soon after arriving everyone notices that Andre’s got some soy-induced manboobs and is going through “manopause.” At least he’s done with “manstration.”

To get out of the heat of his own hot flashes, Andre escapes upstairs and takes his shirt off. Is that cool for house guests to do? Do standard etiquette rules apply when you grow manboobs? So many questions.

Jenny arrives later than the rest of the crew to Ruxin’s with the Kevin’s famed cappuccino machine. Kevin’s decided to give it up since he never uses it, and his loss is the Ruxin family’s gain.

But Sofia reads the brand name (Neopolitano Ramona) and instantly realizes she’s been duped by Ruxin’s widower tale. As the claws come out along with various foreign slurs, she kicks the league out of her house.

Meanwhile, Andre’s still recuperating upstairs when Geoffrey, Ruxin’s son, finds him crying in a bedroom. Andre’s tears cause Geoffrey to cry as well, which compels Andre to pick the child up…only to discover Geoffrey’s talent for latching onto the nipple.

At the end of a long day of games, Kevin once again decides to call into the radio show for advice. Since he’s banned, he’s speaking through Ellie, but the hosts aren’t fooled.

They ban Ellie from the show, too. It’s no fun for the whole family.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 11:

RUXIN: “What’s she gonna do? Is he going to be at little league and she’s gonna to have to be in the dugout squirtin’ it out if he needs a little taste?”

RUXIN: “I’m just worried that he’s going to end up weird. Not like serial killer weird, but like fat, ambisexual church receptionist weird.”

TACO: “Pete (no known last name) died in 2071. He loved to watch TV…that’s all I have.”

BOSS: “It’s clear to us that you have been working on…not work…but on fantasy football as well as some out there porn sites.”

BOSS: “Be honest with me. Do you have Asberger’s?”

TACO: “You have manboobs.”

KEVIN: “I haven’t made decisions for myself since the day I got married.”

PETE: “Godspeed…oh King of Chardannay!”

ANDRE: “I don’t have a diary. I have a dream journal!”

TACO: “Leche de mama…ON TAP!”

PETE: “Is there such a word as better than perfect?”

[ Jump to Episode 12: "Kegel the Elf" ]