Pete on Coke

The League S03E09: “The Out of Towner” on Cocaine

Since The League first aired, I’ve always been curious what life was like for the out-of-town league members while Ruxin, Pete, Kevin, Jenny, Taco, and Andre trash-talk and prank each other in Chicago. In “The Out of Towner,” we finally got a chance to peel back the curtain and meet Chuck, one of the nameless league members we’ve never seen before.

Chuck, played by Will Forte, used to be the party guy in college, the one who would whip out his junk and “sit in gum” at the drop of a hat. In Pete’s mind, he’s still the greatest wingman to ever walk the earth, the Goose to Pete’s Maverick.

But much like Goose, the old Chuck is dead. He crashed and burned, riding a wave of alcohol-fueled debauchery that forced him to leave the city to what we can only assume is suburbia hell.

Chuck’s clean and sober now. So when he arrives to meet the league members he left behind at the bar, they have a hard time adjusting to Chuck without the “Two-nut Chuck” soul he used to have.

I think part of growing up is acknowledging that people change. Your friends won’t always be the same guy they were in college. People get white pubes. They have kids. They adapt.

I’m not old enough to have had more than a small handful of these encounters with friends from high school and college, so I can’t speak with much experience. But I am old enough to know that The League isn’t mature enough to just accept one of its brethren as a sober member of society.

Rather than move on with Chuck as the sober bro, the league member host an intervention, during which Kevin demonstrates how happy beer makes him. That was entertaining.

But Chuck resists, leaving Pete disappointed and still without a decent wingman.

Ruxin’s a little out of it throughout the entire episode tonight. Right off the top, he injures his hamstring picking up canned fruit from Taco’s apartment and starts abusing pain killers he illegally obtained with one of Andre’s prescription pads to cope.

So rather than the sarcastic, one-step-ahead Ruxin we’re used to seeing, Ruxin is the childish party dude with no filter. It wasn’t a radical departure, but it made for some great entertainment (and even better one-liners than I’m used to hearing out of Ruxin).

It’s also keeping in line with this season’s exploration of the destruction of Ruxin, even though he did get just a small part of the bad luck this week as the league dragged everyone down with them.Taco is not pretty during Taco Lent

Taco’s and Ruxin’s stories are a little intertwined from the start this week. Taco has his own thing going on celebrating “Taco Lent,” a month of giving up anything natural, but before injuring himself, Ruxin witnesses Taco’s landlord evicting Taco for his late rent and horrible smells. To prevent him from moving into Ruxin’s house with Sofia and Baby Geoffrey, Ruxin snaps into “Shark Ruxin,” a lawyer-fied persona of Ruxin who hums the theme song from Jaws.

Ruxin concocts the perfect countermeasure (windows painted shut as a violation of Taco’s renter rights), but when he arrives to help Taco make his case against his landlord, he blows in corndog in hand and high on pain meds. Thus, he’s unable to string together a coherent thought and much more interested in beatboxing a corndog techno song and dance with the landlord instead.

I guess we’ll see Taco move in with Ruxin in the next episode.

To tie up all the loose ends on Chuck’s visit, the male league members all gather together at Andre’s for a Monday Night Football party embracing his newest urban and chill obsession, mixology.

Chuck arrives, sans fiancée, to apologize for trying to push his sobriety on the group, and they, in turn, reluctantly concede that they won’t be able to get him to drink.

But, fortunately, we don’t give up on “Two-nut Chuck” that easy. Kevin and Jenny provide the perfect happy accident to knock Chuck off the wagon.

Bored with their suburban life, Kevin and Jenny have attempted to buy weed (VHS, in dealer-speak) but they end up with cocaine instead (DVD, in dealer-speak) because they couldn’t understand Taco’s drug dealer’s menu.

As an aside here, isn’t Kevin an assistant district attorney? Would a drug dealer really come to his house and then strong-arm him into buying coke? I guess I might be trying to force reality into a place it doesn’t belong. I do watch a lot of Law & Order.

Kevin stashes the coke in a drawer of Andre’s kitchen until the drug dealer arrives to make an exchange, but Andre mistakes that bag for confectioner’s sugar (powdered sugar for the uninitiated) and uses it to rim the glasses on his mixed drinks.

Pete on CokeThe result: The League on crack, er…coke.

Andre’s party turns into insanity. Chuck falls off the wagon in a big way, and everyone realizes just in time to watch Chuck “sit in gum” on Ruxin’s head, leading to one of the more priceless quotes of Ruxin’s night.

All in all, I have to say I enjoyed this visit from an outsider. Being a long-distance member of a hometown league is never fun, but I do understand the realities that force such league relationships to occur.

Hopefully, those of you out there who do play fantasy football can stay close together and always, at the very least, have a live draft because you don’t need cocaine to enjoy one of those.

Memorable quotes from Episode 9:

PETE: “My dry spell is all your fault…[to Taco] This guy is like a street sweeper — he just cleans up any prospects I had and takes them in the bathroom and stuffs them.”
TACO: “Hey, I can lead a horse to the water, but I can’t make the water not want to have sex with me, okay?”

PETE [to Andre]: “You look like a Deadwood character at a Justin Bieber concert.”

TACO: “Until next week, it’s nothing but blow up dolls and tube socks.”

NADIA [Taco’s Landlord]: “It’s like the sky, but no clouds. That is what you are like.”

RUXIN: “Just got to do a little Shark Ruxin in here…”

KEVIN: “These sweatpants make my junk feel so good. It feels like two angels are just holding my balls ever so gently while my trunk is just being refreshed by a river of feathers.”

RUXIN: “If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.”

PETE: “I love Painkiller Ruxin.”

CHUCK: “I had to go get a new job because I had pulled my balls out and showed my boss.”

KEVIN: “Ping pong’s for fat kids at summer camp.”

CHUCK: “I got blue gum just thinking about how bad I want to sit in gum for you.”

CHUCK: “Winners drink water.”

PETE: “Honestly, Chuck, I think you have a sobriety problem.”

PETE: “Maybe you’re just addicted to showing your junk.”

RUXIN: “You know Chinese kids will let you play kickball with ‘em!?”

TACO: “Oh, man, none of my friends can handle drugs.”

RUXIN: “Corndog. Corndog. Corndog. Corndog. Corndog.”

RUXIN [on Andre’s use of “jigger”]: “Hey, I know it’s the 1920s, but you still need to whisper that word.”

RUXIN [on Andre’s outfit]: “Somewhere there’s a riverboat missing a casino dealer.”

CHUCK: “Staying clean never tasted so great. Barkeep, I’ll have another!”

ANDRE: “I’m faster than I’ve ever been before!”

PETE: “Why is my face on fire?”

ANDRE: “I’m like the drummer in Def Leopard, but I have both arms!”

TACO: “No, no, no, no. I’m on aspartame, sucralose, and hairspray.”

TACO [to Kevin on his death bed]: “I’m gonna raise Ellie for you, and when I have sex with Jenny, I promise, I PROMISE YOU…I’m not going to wear a condom.”

CHUCK: “Two-nut Chuck is back, and he wants some coke!”

RUXIN [while Chuck sits in gum on his head]: “It feels like I’m wearing a tiny hat.”

The League S02E04: “The Kluneberg” cannot be unseen

Rafi’s back and so is the hate! Oh, sweet, intolerant hate! I know I said I liked Rafi. I know I said we could use some more of him, but I swear that it was a moment of weakness. This week, he proved why we should all dislike him…and cherish him, just for one last time. But I don’t want to keep you hanging. Let’s do this thing.

First, a warning: this episode definitely contained things that cannot be unseen…but you’ll really want to see them (at least once). So forget I said anything. This warning is not a warning. Carry on.

Episode 4 begins with the league at Andre’s. He’s showing off his Kluneberg, a new, expensive painting of bird rape…or some kind of a hairy-umbrella-shocker sexual fetish.

It kind of looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Is that a hoo? I’m not really sure, but I was all but completely distracted by the talking TV-MA ratings box that FX covered Kevin’s head and the painting with for almost the entire scene.

Talking TV-MA box from "The League" S02E04

TV-MA frowns on you.

There’s a voiceover AND a written warning before the episode starts. That black box can’t go in a corner?

But forget the painting. Rafi is over to watch some football, and Rafi is back with a vengeance.

I’ll give Rafi one thing. He’s damn efficient.

He soon peaces out to go hook up with Molly, the girl Andre originally wanted to see at the party in Episode 2, and Taco takes a stand. He doesn’t like Rafi. Shockingly, neither does anyone else.

HATEFEST TIME!

Ruxin breaks down. He wants Rafi out, too, but he can’t get rid of family. So Pete hatches an idea: fake a fight to make Rafi thing the league has broken up and then put the league back together without him. I love the schemes. Covert ops are the best, amirite?

Kevin and Jenny take Taco for a walk. I think you have to do that from time to time with pets, but I was puzzled they weren’t following the leash law. They’ll regret that soon.

At the sight of a dumpster, Taco becomes a dumpster diver — YAY for loose crack needles! — and Kevin and Jenny bump into Russell, played by Rob Huebel, who is a friend of Andre’s.

Russell churns out some great one-liners about Andre’s fashion sense while Taco pillages the dumpster for a bunch of random crap. The only Taco discovery that really matters is a toilet seat. The man didn’t even have one before. Oh, Taco.

At the bar, Andre reveals to the gang that Russell is a sex addict, which they point out is totally a fake disease. Is it really an addiction if you just have no self-control?

Although, did you ever read the Deadspin dispatches from a sex addict? That sounded pretty serious with the chafing and all.

Andre and Pete start prepping for their fake fight to trick Rafi, and Taco takes off to get back to his toilet since he is tweaking without his toilet seat. When Rafi arrives, Pete and Andre take it outside and engage in one of the worst slap fights I’ve ever seen. That was Jerry Springer cutting floor material. Seriously.

Rafi gets into it at least and throws in a butter knife. This isn’t a hardcore match though. And then they take it too far when Andre calls out Pete for being divorced and unloved. Pete counters by calling out Andre’s fashion sense and ugly painting, which causes an Andre BULL RUSH!

Now THIS is a fight…but it’s soon over when Andre calls out the safety word, “Fidelio” (like oral sex with Castro?), and quits the league for real.

It’s couple talk time with Kevin and Jenny. Kevin bashes Rafi and confesses that Jenny should have been in the league. True statement, but that’s just asking for a fight. Jenny reveals that she’s going to be in Russell’s league, which is drafting tonight. How would you feel about your wife playing with a sex addict? What’s a sex addict draft like? Jenny doesn’t get Kevin’s warning that he’s a sex addict because, to her, sex addict = man. Hard to argue with that.

Meanwhile, Ruxin checks in on Taco to discuss a trade and finds him on his toilet having an “A Beautiful Mind” moment.

Pete, Kevin, and Ruxin try to figure out how to fix the damage they’ve done. Pete has to apologize. They can’t take the league down to six — eight is already pretty bad, guys. Teams of all-stars in that league.

And Ruxin reveals that Taco has gone batshit insane, which Kevin realizes is tied to a case he’s working (he’s an assistant DA, remember?). Coke smugglers have been using toilet seats to hide their drugs. That toilet seat Taco found in the dumpster is just one giant butt pad of cocaine. It’s like sitting on Mary-Kate Olsen.

Pete visits Andre to apologize and bring him back into the fold. All it took was a compliment on the painting. Easy.

Now on to problem No. 2: the guys host an intervention for Taco the cokehead (or I guess it should be cokebutt?), but Taco doesn’t want to give up his toilet seat. He says it makes him feel like the most powerful person in the bathroom. He caves after one last sit.

At Russell’s, Jenny shows up for the draft, but no one else has arrived. Sex addict talk leads Russell to explain that he’s not turned on by her in any way, but he turns himself on with a strawberry. Other turn ons: Birthday parties for old people, fresh-bought corn, a room full of marbles, tiny tomatoes…this guy is a strange dude. Jenny leaves before he gets out any peanut butter.

Back at the intervention, a drunken Rafi shows up with Ruxin and goes to the can for his patent pending “crap the booze out” cure for intoxication. This is all part of Ruxin’s evil plan: to get Rafi blackout drunk and then tell him he did horrible things and is out of the league.

But Rafi gets a hit off the coke toilet seat that Taco installed on Andre’s toilet in secret, which leads to a coke-fueled episode of dude banter and running that would put Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to shame. Rafi grabs Andre’s painting and vows to protect Jenny from Russell. Then he punches it and runs away. BOOM!

The league has to go look for him, and when they get outside, they find Russell’s car a-rocking. This couldn’t be Jenny, could it? (It’s soooo not. If you’re pure of heart, earmuffs for this next part. Just skip to the quotes.)

Kevin opens door to find…last chance to run away…Rafi getting it from behind from Russell. Yeah, baby! As Russell says, “I found a new trigger! It’s cocaine in a man’s beard.” It’s horrifying, and yet, with mixed emotions about Rafi, it’s hilarious. It’s just one of those things you can’t stop watching.

Luckily, this guy-on-guy lovemaking solves the Rafi problem entirely. Russell has a 12-man league, and Rafi’s all over it rather than playing in the eight-man league the guys have. Twelve is where it’s at. I would have to agree.

So Rafi tells the guys he’s leaving the league…while still getting it from behind.

The league needs one more player, and they decide to do the right thing by bringing in Jenny to manage Rafi’s team. She walks all over the candlelit, Skulls-esque initiation procedures and revives Andre’s old hazing nickname, “Dickcream,” when he protests. Veteran move.

Hate? Schemes? Drug abuse? This episode was a complete success. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. GOODBYE, RAFI! And now that I said that…he’ll be back.

Memorable One-liners from Episode 4

KEVIN: “Which part do you think is the dick?”

ANDRE: “This is just like Ocean’s 12.”

RUSSELL: “No, no, I’m all good on cat parts.”

TACO: “How much sex do you need to have before you know if you’re an addict?”

RUXIN: “My wife doesn’t let me do the serious stuff at home so I do it at the office. The weekends are the hardest.”

KEVIN: “He’s like a cockroach with a beard.”

RUXIN: “Well, I’m gonna leave. I’m never gonna come back, and I’m going to burn these clothes.”

KEVIN: “I got a sex addict trying to plow my wife, and my brother’s Pablo Escobutt.”

RAFI: “I am not going to let that dirty sex addict do to Jenny what this penis bird has done to butt mountain.”

ANDRE: “You guys hazed me for two weeks. I’m still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.”

JENNY: ” I will take this donkey of a team, and I’m going to turn it into a champion, Dickcream.” (Have to point out the excellent girl-on-girl trash-talk.)

Looking ahead at the next episode: I’m really glad that Rafi’s out. I’m also really glad that Jenny’s in. The league needed more Jenny. That’s enough to be glad about. I bet she’s going to win her game next week.

What are you looking forward to in next week’s episode?

[ Jump to Episode 5: “The Marathon” ]