Well, that just sucks. Thanks, Week 1. Today being Patriot Day just seems to be an even more depressing reminder of the losses in real life and our slightly much less important fantasy football losses.

If you were one of the lucky fantasy footballers who lost Tom Brady this past weekend, I assume I just caught you wallowing in your own self-pity, eating a cheeseburger off the floor between fits of crying, alcoholism and throwing Cheetos…

Don’t get up. I’ll squat down to your level.

You probably don’t even feel like waking up anymore.

No, I will not explain how you can get those Cheetos stains out of your Brett Favre jersey or my secret family salsa recipe.

I’m cleaning out the old email inbox and getting ready for fantasy football season, and so it’s time to tell you about everything that I have been hoarding for myself.

I’ll omit the death threats because they’re all from David Carr, and I also won’t be able to post any of the pictures that the stalkers sent. Sorry, Prisoner No. 1992827.

Win a T-Shirt from the Jabber

I know you are sitting there–shirtless and alone–just wishing that someone would send you a t-shirt. The Football Jabber himself promises he will be forever in my debt if I send some hot forum action his way.

Everyone took pity on quarterbacks this week. Atlanta saw fit to bring back Joey Harrington after releasing him–even though we all know they will probably pick a QB up in the draft *cough* Matt Ryan *cough*. The Rams chose Trent Green to be the back up to Marc Bulger, but is it good practice to pick a concussion-prone quarterback as the best back up for an oft-injured Bulger? Me thinks the Rams will need a solid third quarterback on the roster if they plan to make it through the season.

Sadly, the New York Giants, not to be seen as uncharitable, decided they had enough money leftover from the Super Bowl blow parties to bring back the white-gloved wonder David Carr. I really thought we were going to get rid of him this year.

Now that the fire sale on veterans and the betting wars for top free agents has pretty much all died down, the final group of unsigned players has begun to settle into place. I believe we have entered the downhill slide towards the NFL draft.

First, a few sidebars…

If you are having a hard time keeping track of it all, NFL.com’s Fabiano has a chart of off-season player moves and how the moves affect fantasy football values, [via FFLibrarian] and Smitty of Fantasy Football Xtreme talks about the ones who matter this off-season. Also on the Interwebs, NFL Gribiron Gab breaks down who is still out there.

Maybe you aren’t interested in free agents?

The days preceding free agency were full of contract re-negotiations, but the veterans who didn’t want to let their value be tossed aside found themselves tossed aside instead. Just before the opening bell of free agency, the blood flowed freely across the NFL’s older locker rooms. The most tragic loss, of course, being the one-glove wonder. David Carr might never even have a back up job again. Tragic.

I feel tears coming, so let’s move on.

With so many player released, the stage was set for a hot and fast free agency season. We had been tracking the rumors, but when the clock started this weekend, some teams came out strong to sign players early.

Desmond Clark got a two-year extension with Chicago through 2010. If you were holding out for Greg Olsen to become the elite player he is touted to become at tight end, don’t count on him breaking out next year. It looks like he will share playing time with Clark awhile longer–a long while longer.

Who’d like to see a wide receiver tandem of Braylon Edwards and Bernard Berrian? For one, I would just to hear all the announcers stumble over Braylon and Berrian in the same sentence. Apparently, the Cleveland Browns agree. The Browns are keeping their eye on Berrian. If he makes the move to Cleveland, his fantasy value might go up. With Berrian’s deep threat added to Edward’s high-scoring ability, the Browns could really do some damage on offense. Sorry, Joe.

New Orleans’ Reggie Bush is still whining about his injuries a bit, so he is a game time decision–always ominous–for Sunday. Make sure you check the reports before you set your roster. Stecker would fill in, but you really want Bush for this one. He said earlier in the week that he could play through the pain and be a tough guy, but check the reports tomorrow morning just in case.

Carolina’s Vinny Testaverde came in Friday with a stiff back–what did he do Thursday night? He may be in danger of losing the start to David Carr this week. For Steve Smith owners, that’s right, pray for Vinny to get it together. David Carr hates Steve Smith because Smith made fun of his little gloves. They never play nice together.