The League S02E05: This ain’t no sprint. It’s “The Marathon”

NOTARIZER! This fifth episode of Season 2 was one of the funniest yet. Pete’s back to plotting against Andre as Andre vainly tries to prove his superiority to the league, Kevin’s having issues at home with Jenny, Ruxin’s taking on “charity terrorism” like only the most sinister office dweller could, and Taco’s off on a mission to make a quick buck…or is it to hit on women? The two usually go hand in hand with him.

Season 1 of “The League” set the bar pretty high for raunchy comedy, and I think it’s taken a few episodes for “The League” to really hit its stride again. I thought last week’s episode had finally reestablished the spiteful, insane plots that made Season 1 so hilarious, but this week topped it. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that.

But now we need to get on to the episode. You don’t come here to read what I have to say, amirite?

Wait, really?

This week, we begin with Andre announcing that he is running the marathon for charity in a video to the league.

But as is required when Andre does something without concern for his own reputation, Pete takes his little humanitarian mission and morphs it into a journey in the wayback machine through all of Andre’s sordid past exercise crazes, including a stripper pole and anal kegels. Yes, anal kegels.

This video led me to two thoughts: 1) The Internet was invented to make fun of people like Andre. And 2) All fantasy football league hosting sites (You listening, ESPN? Yahoo!? Fleaflicker?) need to get on this video trash-talking feature from “The League.”

I was entertained by it when it appeared throughout Season 1, but now I’m jealous of it after seeing the joy it brings to Season 2. And yes, I realize it’s largely a writer device to save us from screenshots of message board bashing within the league site. I STILL WANT IT!

If you’ve maintained a responsible level of sobriety through the first four episodes, you’ll remember that Jenny is now a member of the league. A lady has joined the crew. So she comes out to the bar for the weekly night of trash-talk, but she doesn’t bring much talk. Instead, Kevin and Jenny get all lovey-dovey in the bar even though they are head-to-head this week. Blasphemy.

“There is no love in the league.” Roll clip.

This love, of course, creates concern that they will cheat their way to victory in the league, and Ruxin is having none of that.

But wait, Andre’s got something in his mouth: Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick, AKA (that’s right) S.P.U.N.K.

Many a priceless thing could be said here, and the league did a pretty good job of covering all of them. See the one-liners below for the brilliance.

After SPUNK-ing himself, Andre attempts to use his marathon running as a pick-up line on the waitress, but Pete makes sure that doesn’t happen by using the same line, declaring that he also is running the marathon and stealing Andre’s thunder. So establishes the Andre struggle for this week.

Post-bar, Jenny and Kevin are having a little of the sexy time, but her trash-talking kills the mood. No one wants to hear about Frank Gore when they are about to have sex. No one but maybe Frank Gore. The following morning, Kevin and Jenny make a pact to not let the league come between them and their marriage, which is a great idea that will never work, just like a combined line at the express checkout counters at the grocery store. Some idiot always picks one like he’s the first person to think of it. (No one likes you, guy. We had a great system here.) Kevin also realizes, for the very first time, that Hotel Rwanda was based on a true story — truly one of the best moments of this episode.

Meanwhile, Pete stayed out all night with the waitress and runs into Andre training for his big run. They decide to wager $2000 on who will have the better run time. This can only end well.

And back at the office, Ruxin takes on Team Twila, the “charity terrorist” who is raising money for her own entry into the marathon. You can always tell an argument went well when it ends with “I can’t believe I work in an office full of hungry, hungry hippos.”

At Kevin’s house, the gang is all together. Andre runs there and smells like teen spirit, but he’s still game for a “hydrating” (read: chugging) contest with Pete. Pete plays with beer and wins (by reaching the bottom of bottle). Andre plays with water and loses (by tears, tears always mean lose).

A conversation with Jenny leaves the guys abuzz about how Kevin and Jenny’s marriage is like “awkward Wimbledon” now that they are going head to head in the league. When Kevin sees an alert pop up about Frank Gore’s turf toe, he has a tough decision. Dick move: pick up the backup to Frank Gore and block Jenny from having a great matchup this week. Husband move: tell his wife that Frank Gore is injured. The guys all encourage him to finish her off. Ruxin even throws out the vintage “SWEEP THE LEAGUE, JOHNNY!” but Kevin is torn. SPOILER: He chooses to be a dick!

And by the way, if “The League” curse strikes again and Gore is injured this week, I’m sending hate mail.

Now that Twila is on a mission to ruin Ruxin, she gives him a hard time when he needs documents notarized for a big trial — the BP defense against the Gulf Coast fishermen (I would expect no less from Ruxin). But luckily, his mention of the “cu-notary” earlier in the week has convinced Taco that he has a future as a notarizer. “El Notario” even sends out a video to the league advertising his services. You may remember him as the premiere dealer of three-penis wine.

The business has Taco itching to burn money since he’s not one to have a bank account. So he’s buying rounds. Andre shows up with his number, 1729, and, as Ruxin says, “dressing like the fifth member of Color Me Bad.”

A women strikes up a conversation with Taco for urgent notary services, and he takes her away to his office in the men’s bathroom to do business. But the situation soon turns ugly when Taco notarizes not only her document but also her ass (for free!). On her way out the door, with Taco in tow, they bump into Andre, which sends him to the floor with turf toe. I guess it really is that easy to get injured. No marathon for Andre.

Ruxin pays a visit to Taco in an attempt to get his documents notarized before his trial. A Sizzler gift card gets Taco out of retirement, which he had entered into after “the life” wore him out in just one week.

Fast-forward to Sunday, and Jenny shows up at some kind of sports bar (a new place?) to meet the guys and watch the games. She picked up Anthony Dixon instead of Frank Gore’s backup, which Kevin had stashed, and the third-stringer ends up getting all the points in Gore’s stead. Kevin’s dick move backfired, and once again, “The League” is pretty spot on about which players would benefit from an injury. Even with Glen Coffee retired, which surprised everyone, Brian Westbrook is now the backup to Frank Gore, but he would probably only play a small role while Dixon did most of the heavy lifting if Gore was to miss time. Either they do some brilliant work in editing or “The League” has an inside source better than Adam Schefter himself.

Twila shows up and interrupts Taco’s notarizing of Ruxin’s documents to reveal that “El Notario” doesn’t even have a valid notary license. His stamp is from Venezuela. You should have known that Taco wouldn’t do it the hard way, Ruxin. And so, Taco hangs up his notary spurs…err, stamp, and Ruxin has to make a deal with Twila to get her to notarize his documents.

Jenny points out how fun it is to watch games when you actually have something on the line, but…she soon realizes that Kevin and her neglected to get Ellie over to a friend’s house after gymnastics. They rush off to be parents.

Andre’s confronted by Pete, who claims to have run the marathon and demands his money, and as Andre chases Pete off on his turf toe, Ruxin tries S.P.U.N.K. (and seems to like it).

To wrap the episode, we go back to the bedroom with Kevin and Jenny, only this time, Kevin’s talking dirty about how well Jenny’s team did against him. What a freaky fetish.

Best of the one-liner quotes from Episode 5

ANDRE: “Spunk is amazing.” “I love spunk” “I like the black kind” (Really, everything Andre said about S.P.U.N.K.)

KEVIN: “I don’t want to talk smack when I’m about to enter you.” and “I just basically have to tie a stick to it to get it in now.”

RUXIN: “It’s almost a jihad against my wallet.”

RUXIN: “I also love The Country’s Best Yogurt, but I don’t expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.”

RUXIN: “Andre, you smell like eighth grade kids who haven’t learned to use deodorant yet.”

PETE: “This women’s basketball game…this is like the ‘Heartbreak Hill’ of channel surfing.”

RUXIN: “Think of me as your University of Phoenix.”

JENNY: “There is absolutely no love in the league.”

Looking to the next episode: Let’s hope for more Taco employment options and more Ruxin at work. I think that’s where he shines.

But wait, wouldn’t you love to ask your pals from “The League” all your pressing fantasy football questions? Well, you can. Fantasy Football Nerd is currently taking questions for the cast of the “The League” that will be answered before Week 8. Get on over there and enter your questions.

[ Jump to Episode 6: "The Anniversary Party" ]

On the Wire: Week 10 Pickups, Slim Pickings but Quick Mobile Picks

Updated: Wed, Nov. 11.

I’ve been in California this week at a conference. I don’t know how these people handle football starting at 10 a.m. on Sundays. It’s just plain weird.

But the important thing here is that I haven’t had Internet all week. Sorry, hotel, but I am not going to pay a limb per day to get on the Interwebs. I’m actually writing this right now from my G1 phone.

So hang with me. I’ll come back on Wednesday to flesh this one out with more options, but for now, I’ll cover all that my thumbs can endure. (Note: Now updated with a real keyboard and some of the skin left on my thumbs from writing this the first time on a smartphone.)

Hot Claims

Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City Chiefs: If no one has jumped on him yet, Larry Johnson’s release leaves him as the most valuable back in Kansas City. That value is somewhere between Adrian Peterson and a shiny penny.

Chris Chambers, WR, Kansas City Chiefs: Two touchdowns? But I thought he was dead. Don’t see him duplicating this performance, and he is a Chief after all. I guess if you are desperate for wide receiver help, he is, in fact, NOT dead. PPR leagues might put more value on him since we know Kansas City will be throwing.

Ladell Betts, RB, Washington Redskins: Clinton Portis finally went down. Betts has filled in extremely well in the past, but this offense is not up to par with the one Betts stepped into years ago. That said, Betts filling in for Portis might be good for the Redskins.

Jason Hill, WR, San Francisco 49ers: He’s been on the cusp of a fantasy breakout before, but Jason Hill may get another chance if Isaac Bruce misses this week’s game. Hill had two touchdowns this past week, and Alex Smith likely had plenty of practice time with him while he was on the second-team offense earlier this season.

If you have the room on your roster to speculate on any of these guys, you might as well.

Fantasy Filler

Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders: Looks like he’s back and able to start this week against the Chiefs, but can we trust him? I’ll believe it when he can turn in two back-to-back fantasy-start-worthy performances. Haven’t seen one solid one yet this season.

Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Detroit Lions: There may be few touchdowns in his future this season, but the rookie tight end is finally becoming enough of a factor in this offense to trust if you are desperate.

Josh Freeman, QB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Three touchdowns…but look at those attempts. Don’t get more excited than you need to be about another rookie quarterback. He’s an emergency backup option for now.

Brady Quinn, QB, Cleveland Browns: ESPN reports that he will get the start this week for Cleveland, but I wouldn’t expect much more than what we saw the last time around. This move is more likely just to see if either of the Browns’ quarterbacks will be worth keeping this offseason.

I’d rather have Vince Young, Chad Henne or even Josh Freeman on my roster.

Long-term Investments

Larry Johnson, RB, Free Agent: There’s a chance he lands somewhere and matters. There’s also a chance he plays Xbox with Shaun Alexander every Sunday for the rest of the season.

Lance Long, WR, Kansas City Chiefs: He had eight catches this past week. Shows promise, but I’d like to see it again before I use a roster spot on him. He is familiar with Todd Haley’s system from his time on the Arizona practice squad last year.

Droppables

Patrick Crayton is not to be trusted. Justin Fargas may sink down the depth chart now that McFadden is healthy enough to start. Willie Parker may never be healthy again. Glen Coffee is concussed. Jason Campbell’s not healthy either. Domenik Hixon and Muhsin Muhammed just aren’t going to win you any games.

Michael Crabtree signs…and I don’t care [Fantasy Impact]

Michael Crabtree, who majored in diva-ology at Texas Tech, has finally signed with the San Francisco 49ers as of yesterday. Apparently, that whole “we can win without you” message got into his head, but he’ll certainly be upset that his own signing was upstaged by the Braylon Edwards trade, relegating Crabtree to just a footnote.

After weeks of speculation about why he was holding out and accusations that the New York Jets were tampering, which will still be investigated despite Crabtree’s signing, the wait is over.

Full of rookie potential and college hype, scouts expect Crabtree to become one of the truly dominating receivers in the NFL, a weapon that the 49ers could really use to make their offense more dynamic–or as dynamic as an offense can be with Shaun Hill at quarterback.

But don’t expect Crabtree to immediately jump into the 49ers offense and start diva-fying everything. The 49ers have no room for divas. They run the ball, and I don’t expect that to change just because Crabtree is now a member of the NFL club. He’s likely to spend most of the coming weeks learning the offense.

When the 49ers activate him, he could still be just the second option behind Josh Morgan, who hasn’t been terrible, or even the third option behind both Morgan and a surprisingly productive Vernon Davis.

I don’t hate Shaun Hill as a quarterback; in fact, I view him as a fairly decent QB2 option most weeks. But Hill’s been far more likely to throw to Davis and hand the ball off to Frank Gore or Glen Coffee in these early weeks of the season than he has to try something deep to Morgan or Isaac Bruce. I don’t think Crabtree will change that.

So if Crabtree is floating on your waiver wire, and you have the roster spot on your bench to spare, feel free to go out there and get him, but make sure you view it as an investment for the end of the season.

In redraft leagues, Crabtree may be nothing but a blip on the fantasy radar as a situational receiver for the 49ers down the stretch, but at least you’ll be first in line to benefit when he sees the field.

If you, like many owners, need that bench spot to survive the upcoming bye weeks, I think it’s safe to wait on the diva. He will mind, but I don’t care.

Week 4 Hot Hands and Cold Shoulders: Rookie of the Year?

Chadam of contributing writer to Fantasy Football Fools fame has this theory about Chad Pennington that he asked me to share. He says they broke Pennington’s shoulder on purpose so that he can have surgery and come back next season like Rookie of the Year with a cannon that can throw 70-yard bombs.

Maybe he’s wrong, but I think it sounds legit. Pennington’s going to lock up that third “Comeback Player of the Year” award in 2010.

This week’s a tough one for many owners out there. Frank Gore is hurt, Willie Parker is looking doubtful, L.T. is still questionable, Wes Welker is a game-time decision, and as if that wasn’t enough, Week 4 is the first bye week. Now that’s rough.

Hopefully, you have the depth to weather this storm. It ain’t going to be pretty.

Hot Hands Start of the Week

Glen Coffee, RB, San Francisco 49ers vs. St. Louis Rams
Well, you got him off the waiver wire and made all the other members in your league jealous. What did you think you were going to do with him? Coffee gets a breezy little matchup against the St. Louis Rams this week, which should help him get his NFL legs under him.

Coffee hasn’t impressed in limited time, but keep in mind that he took over last week against the Minnesota Vikings defense. They have some very, very fat men that don’t like to let you run the ball past them. The Rams don’t quite have those same fat men.

So pour yourself a cup of Coffee this week – Cha-ching! (I hope this guy starts all season. I could go all day with these coffee jokes.)

Others receiving votes:

  • Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders vs. Houston Texans
    McFadden hasn’t had it easy these first few weeks, but against the Texans, who couldn’t stop a Chihuahua running the football, he should shine. The only way he fails this week is if the Texans really run away with it, forcing the Raiders to throw, but I’m guessing the Raiders will figure out JaMarcus Russell can’t do that very well. Please tell me: Why aren’t the Raiders just running McFadden’s college offense? The Wildhog is the only way to save this team — that or a league change to the UFL.
  • Devin Hester, WR, Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions
    Did you read that? The Lions. The End.
  • Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans
    The Titans have let everyone throw on them this year, and Sims-Walker has become the big-play threat for the Jags. Don’t hesitate to use him this week. The Titans should keep a lid on Maurice Jones-Drew and force David Garrard to the air. And no, that doesn’t mean he will fly, silly. I’m talking passing yards.
  • Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions
    If he doesn’t show up this week, I’ll be wearing a permanent sad face for the rest of the season, Jay Cutler style.
  • Santana Moss, WR, Washington Redskins vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
    He’s got at least one more good week left in him before he goes in the toilet again.
  • Julius Jones, RB, Seattle Seahawks vs. Indianapolis Colts
    What’s wrong with me? I actually like the J.J. this week. The only way the Seahawks stay competitive in this one is a heavy dose of the run game, but as we saw in the Dolphins game, Peyton Manning only needs 15 minutes to kill all your dreams.
  • Ronnie Brown, RB, Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
    Without Chad Pennington, the Wildcat could be the offense of choice in Miami. Plus, it’s the Bills, and everyone likes to beat up on them because they’re practically Canadian.
  • Jerricho Cotchery, WR, New York Jets vs. New Orleans Saints
    He’s becoming a legit No. 1 receiver and a phenom fantasy steal for where you drafted him. Keep him in the lineup this week.
  • Vernon Davis, TE, San Francisco 49ers vs. St. Louis Rams
    I swear if he fails now after I finally put him in this list…

Cold Shoulders Sit of the Week

Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo Bills vs. Miami Dolphins
Oh, he’s burning a hole in your bench, isn’t he? You’ve waited so long, and now you’re reunited and it feels so good. You gotta feeling that he’s ready to go off, blowing up like some sort of high voltage explosion and starting a party in the U.S.… Yeah, I’m not going there. Well, I ran out of song titles to plug, but Lynch is not a good option this week.

The Dolphins have been shutting down opposing running backs, and Lynch is likely to be worked in slowly while Fred Jackson continues to take the majority of snaps in this one. Avoid both backs if you can because even half of Buffalo’s earnings on the ground this week shouldn’t be worth starting.

Others receiving votes:

  • Tashard Choice, RB, Dallas Cowboys vs. Denver Broncos
    That was one helluva sleeper last week, huh? This week, Marion Barber is fated to make his return, and the Cowboys face the surprisingly stout — at least, thus far — Broncos. I don’t know what to think of the Broncos defense, so I’ll treat them the same way I do anything I don’t understand, stare at it until it goes away or avoid it entirely. Change is evil! Right? No? Well, whatever folks. The point is that you don’t want to take a chance on Choice if you have better options — if you have a better Choice, that is. (Seriously, Coffee and Choice are my favorite running backs this week simply for the annoying joke quality. I’m sure you disagree…)
  • Knownshon Moreno, RB, Denver Broncos vs. Dallas Cowboys
    Let’s just sit all the running backs in this game just to be fair. Moreno splits the load and faces a Dallas defense that kept Brandon Jacobs under wraps in Week 2 and DeAngelo Williams tied up in Week 3. Wade Phillips will sellout to stop the run, and I expect him to do the same in this one. Moreno is a better start than Choice but expect a less than spectacular performance.
  • Marques Colston, WR, New Orleans Saints vs. New York Jets
    Just kidding, fools. You can’t sit Colston, but don’t expect a big game. Darrelle Revis should blanket Colston all day. To alter the quote Revis game after the Patriots game, that means Revis will go to the restroom every time Colston does. I hope it’s not to cross swords…
  • Andre Johnson, WR, Houston Texans vs. Oakland Raiders
    Same as Colston above. Just substitute Revis for Nnamdi Asomugha.
  • Larry Johnson, RB, Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Giants
    But why would you even do that to yourself? Seriously.

Sleeper of the Week

Davone Bess, WR, Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
Chad Henne targeted him seven times in the second half of Week 3, and he’s the best receiving target Henne has no matter how fast Ted “Stone hands” Ginn is. In Henne’s first game, he may look for Bess often enough to give him some good yardage and you never know, maybe a touchdown. Buffalo does have a hurting secondary right now, and they could be out of this one quickly if the offense struggles and demoralizes the T.O., I mean team. I like Bess’ changes this week if your desperate for some help and willing to lay it down on the rookie quarterback.

For more advice this week, visit the Fantasy Football Librarian’s stacks, see who Matthew Berry is loving and hating, check yourself against the Fanhouse rankings, hit and miss with The Fantasy Football Geek Blog, tend your herd with Fantasy Football Goat, see clearer with The Hazean, take the advice of Fantasy Football Xtreme, comb through the FF Toolbox starts and sits, and check out the “4-4″ from The Right Brain Fantasy Report by @JoeFortenbaugh.

Now I know you have some questions, so leave them in the comments below, and you’ll get an answer by Sunday as long as they are up Saturday night. I can make no promises about Sunday morning, but I sometimes respond to questions on Twitter if you tweet me @jacobsloan. Good luck this week.

On the Wire: Week 4 Pickups and Sleepers [Insert Coffee Joke Here]

Ah, I just love the sweet smell of bacon in the morning. What? You thought I was going to say coffee, as in Glen Coffee? That would be silly. Silly like little kids who talk like big people.

Now, get your Coffee while it’s hot. Burn!

Glen Coffee, RB, San Francisco 49ers: With Frank Gore set to miss about three weeks, Coffee should get most of the work against the Rams and the Falcons before the 49ers go on bye in Week 6. If you’re lucky, Coffee could see more work than usual against the Texans and Colts post-bye. I’ll take a double shot of that.

Tashard Choice, RB, Dallas Cowboys: He took over the Dallas run game on Monday night. If Felix Jones’ knee keeps him from hitting the field in Week 4, Choice could be the lone back for the Cowboys until Marion Barber returns, and he can handle that job. Dallas faces Denver and Kansas City before their bye in Week 6.

Pierre Garcon, WR, Indianapolis Colts: The French name with another the solid game, Garcon has stepped it up in Anthony Gonzalez’s absence. Peyton Manning trusts him, and until Gonzalez returns, you can, too.

Nate Burleson, WR, Seattle Seahawks: Burleson has been posting decent stats while T.J. Houshmandzadeh runs his mouth and fails to impress with his bad back. Maybe T.J., as I’ve felt all along, is just average. Burleson’s worth a look as a WR3 even without Hasselbeck under center.

Brent Celek, TE, Philadelphia Eagles: He’s getting plenty of looks in this offense, especially with Kevin Kolb doing the passing.

Vernon Davis, TE, San Francisco 49ers: Two touchdowns? Now that’s almost enough to convince me that he’ll stick around. Incubate him for a game or two unless you’re desperate at tight end and see what develops. Unlike many of the most targeted players this week, Davis came down with the majority of the passes thrown his way. That’s promising.

Fred Taylor, RB, New England Patriots: Brady was saved by his ground game in this one, and Taylor is that ground game. He’s got plenty left in the tank, but just when we start to trust him, the Patriots will mix in someone else out of that backfield and throw the ball 60-plus times each game. Taylor adds good depth as we head into the bye weeks.

Correll Buckhalter, RB, Denver Broncos: He’s fighting every week to get his yards even if Knowshon Moreno keeps the hype and the goal line touches.

Maurice Morris, RB, Detroit Lions: We might see more Morris if Kevin Smith misses time with his injury. Smith can’t heal that fast, but don’t expect the same production you get from Smith out of Morris.

Donnie Avery, WR, St. Louis Rams: Maybe without competition from Laurent Robinson, who is now out for the season, Avery will finally step his game up. He’d probably have better luck if Kyle Boller takes over at quarterback.

Josh Johnson, QB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: As we’ve seen from the Byron Leftwich appearances this season, the Bucs are bad, and they are going to be throwing often. Johnson has the potential to be better than Leftwich, and he’s certainly faster and more agile. I broke down some of his background in this week’s Foolish Thoughts. If you’re desperate or digging for trade bait, grab him while he’s an unknown.

Chad Henne, QB, Miami Dolphins: Same first name, different starting Miami quarterback. Sadly, this injury may be the end for Pennington. Due to Pennington’s bionic shoulder capsule explosion in the game this week, Henne takes over a tad early and tries to right this Dolphin ship in 2009. Please, sir, may we have a deep ball?

Jerome Harrison, RB, Cleveland Browns: I wouldn’t suggest that he’s better than your current benched players, but if Jamal Lewis stays out, Harrison could be in line for a big game or two when Cleveland faces weak run defenses. There aren’t many of those on the schedule, but maybe you just have a bench spot that’s completely empty and in need of a warm body. Yeah, you can slot Harrison there.

Denver Broncos D/ST: Who knew? The Broncos have a defense. Leave it to Josh McDaniels to teach them how to repel people. I’m still not sure I believe.

Sidney Rice, WR, Minnesota Vikings: Maybe he will break out after all? Only if Favre keeps passing like he did on Sunday, but I’m a fan of Rice’s potential.

Bryant Johnson, WR, Detroit Lions: It was Bryant, not Calvin Johnson, that had the important touchdown catch against the Washington Redskins this week. If Megatron gets shut down, look for Bryant to reap the benefits. He’s been on my watch list since he left the Arizona Cardinals, but he’s never produced consistently. This year may finally be his time if he can stay healthy.

Guys from Week 3′s On the Wire that should be owned in all leagues by now (but I’ll list them here anyway just to drive home the point):

  • LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia Eagles: Without Westbrook, he’s just as good and maybe even more explosive.
  • Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars: He is David Garrard’s favorite target, and the Jags are going to put the ball in the air this season.

For more waiver wire grabs, talk to the geeks at The Fantasy Football Geek Blog, get the list from Fanhouse, sweat it out with Lester’s Legends, get the pickups of the week at FF Toolbox, add Coffee to your list at USA Today’s Fantasy Joe, see through the haze at The Hazean, and check out both the first and second collection from Fantasy Football Librarian this week.

Get out there and make your team better this week. Try toying with some handcuffs and consider the rises and falls of Sunday at Fanhouse, prepare for the bye weeks as noted by The Fantasy Football Geek Blog , sell off a few high-performing pretenders at FF Toolbox and cut the dead weight with the Bruno Boys.

As always, the comments are yours. I’ll be answering questions all week if you don’t know who to claim and who to drop on your waiver wire. Just leave a message below.

Manning, Colts D on Fire as Cards Misfire

Foolish Thoughts: The Brady Bench, Law of Averages and Josh Johnson

Since graduating college, I’ve occasionally had a dream that I was still taking finals. In the dream, I wake up and realize that I have a final that very day, but it’s for a class that I didn’t know I was taking and haven’t attended even one day that semester.

Right about the time that I start to try to cram for the test or figure out a way to drop the class at the last minute, I wake up. I still don’t even know what subject it is. I’m going to guess it’s something scary like basket weaving.

I like to imagine that dream is exactly how Brady Quinn feels when he hits the field, except for that whole wake up part.

In the preseason, Quinn barely edged out Derek Anderson for the starting job. Since then, he’s put on a clinic on how to lose said starting job. His conservative play and quick passes haven’t been able to overcome the failings of the Browns as a whole. Without Kellen Winslow, his short-passing ways have neutered the offense of its ability to generate big plays, and in Sunday’s brutalization by the Baltimore Ravens, Mangenius had finally had enough to pull Quinn and his 34 passing yards, no touchdowns and one interception for Anderson in the second half.

But Anderson provided little relief for the Browns. He promptly fired three more interceptions into the Baltimore Ravens’ defense and called it a day. After this 34-3 loss, the Browns still have no answer at the quarterback position. And, of course, a harbinger of death over Mangini’s head for some reason.

Maybe it’s not so far-fetched to think that Brett Ratliff, who came over from Mangini’s former team when the Jets traded with the Browns in the 2009 NFL draft, could become Mangini’s guy in Cleveland.

Fantasy owners have no reason to be involved with this Browns offense right now. It’s not going to be pretty, and very few fantasy points are going to go around. Braylon Edwards is the only Brown worth waiting on this season. The rest are simply waiver wire fodder.

Truffle Shuffle in Tampa Bay
Byron Leftwich went from first to worst after Sunday’s deflation against the New York Giants. He’s now the third quarterback on the depth chart behind rookie and heir to the throne Josh Freeman and newly-named starter Josh Johnson.

So who is Josh Johnson? A bit of a sleeper at the position, Johnson was drafted by Jon Gruden to be Tampa’s quarterback of the future — among a pack of quarterbacks during Gruden’s time in Tampa Bay. He had a little hype coming out of college as a great athlete with a pass-first mentality, but the Bucs coaching staff felt he needed a little more work on his accuracy.

Fast-forward to this past Sunday, and Johnson was able to triple Byron Leftwich’s performance in just the final minutes of play against the Giants, which really only means that he has a pulse and moves without having to use the sonar moans of a whale.

Draftguys TV took a look at Josh Johnson before the 2008 draft to break down all his mechanics.

Henne Replaces Penny —   It’s finally that time, but don’t expect things to get better in Miami. Chad Pennington’s good decisions kept the Dolphins from turning the ball over last season, and Chad Henne may not be so lucky against the Dolphins’ tougher schedule now that Pennington is no longer an option.

Well, Once in Every 20 Games — The Lions finally defeated that monkey on their back — not Matt Millen, but the 19-game losing streak. Law of averages says it was bound to happen, but for the Redskins, this loss could be the beginning of the end for Jim Zorn.

Rated PG-13 — The 49ers should be without Frank Gore for the next three weeks while he recovers from a high ankle sprain he suffered early in Sunday’s game against the Vikings. That gives Glen Coffee a few weeks to shine for those who stashed him on their bench and gave ol’ “Silver Fox” just enough to take a victory on Sunday. Also of note, Vernon Davis came alive in this one, but we cannot confirm or deny if he’s on the rise. Such is the way of the elusive Vernon.

It Puts the O in T.O. — It won’t be long before T.O.’s breaking into other Buffalo Bills’ houses to look for all those passes he’s not getting. For the first time since 1997, T.O. didn’t catch a single pass. I’m pretty sure Trent Edwards forgot that Lee Evans and Terrell Owens are on the team. Someone send that kid a memo.

Is it over? — How bad were most of the early games this week? I found myself wanting to take a nap during Sunday’s afternoon games, when most of the players looked like they were down for the count themselves. When not even Drew Brees can save us, there’s a problem.

On the Wire: Week 3 Pickups and Sleepers

If your team is 0-2, you could use the help, but don’t do anything crazy. I know of a league where a man dropped Matt Schaub after his pitiful Week 1 performance. I will name no names, but I’m pretty sure he regrets that now. He should.

Your top picks deserve some time to find their footing, but dead weight like that second tight end, second defense or sleeper that is still napping are all good to drop this week. If you’re not sure who you should drop, leave your questions in the comments.

Several key players suffered some injuries this week. Even the great Favre broke a nail.

Things are looking down for Brandon Marshall, but Pierre Thomas owners have some hope that they could see Thomas back on the field in a big way soon with Mike Bell expected to miss some time.

Maybe Jason Campbell’s sprained foot explains his unimpressive play lately? Well, nope, that’s probably just him.

Here are a few guys that could help you shape up for Week 3:

Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore Ravens: As much as it pains me to say it, it looks like McGahee could outperform Ray Rice this year. He’s getting plenty of touches near the goal line while Rice sits on the sidelines. Get him while he’s hot. I’ll hold out for a Ray Rice resurgence.

Brent Celek, TE, Philadelphia Eagles: Kevin Kolb likes to check it down to his tight end, but Celek was getting targets in Week 1 with McNabb as well. Look for him to have a solid season, and in PPR, he could get you some great numbers even when he doesn’t find the end zone.

Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars: From the looks of it, Jacksonville will be throwing the ball quite a bit to get back in games this year. The name change doesn’t disguise that Walker was one of David Garrard’s favorite targets last season — when healthy, that is. I like Sims-Walker even more now that Troy Williamson is out, and he got the touchdown in Week 2.

Mario Manningham, WR, New York Giants: From bust to must-have? Until Hakeem Nicks and Domenik Hixon return, Manningham should start alongside Steve Smith. I’d rather have Smith, but Manningham looks like the big-play threat right now. He had 134 yards and a touchdown this week against my Cowboys.

Steve Smith, WR, New York Giants: When the Giants are forced to throw, Smith is the guy you want to own.

Johnny Knox, WR, Chicago Bears: Cutler looked to the speedy receiver in some key situations against the Steelers, and he got the touchdown grab. Cutler even chose to go to Knox when both Hester and Knox were open. With so many targets his way, Knox could be a factor moving forward. Consider him bench depth for now if you want to go out and get him.

Mark Sanchez, QB, New York Jets: This kid may make a solid backup fantasy quarterback after all.

Laurent Robinson, WR, St. Louis Rams: As I mentioned last week, Robinson is getting plenty of looks in St. Louis, even outperforming Donnie Avery. Don’t overlook him just because the Rams are so terrible. Okay, okay, you can overlook him.

Bobby Wade, WR, Kansas City Chiefs: Wade stepped in to his new team in Week 2 and tied for most touches. Much like Robinson, the Chiefs struggles could see him catching a lot of passes, but he’s not much of a touchdown threat.

Correll Buckhalter, RB, Denver Broncos: My pick to be the most productive running back in Denver this year, and he got a touchdown this week. But considering how many backs there are in that pack for the Broncos, you might just want to stay away from this one.

Glen Coffee, RB, San Francisco 49ers: Owners who stashed him in your league may have given up after he seemed to be just a backup to Gore, but now that Gore has tweaked an ankle, he could some more work moving forward. Any back with Gore’s injury history and as many carries as he’ll get this year should miss at least one game, and I like coffee — the running back and the delicious caffeinated beverage.

LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia Eagles: Westbrook sprained his ankle in Week 2, and McCoy is a copycat replacement if Westbrook misses time. Savvy Westbrook owners already own him, but if not, grab him now and see what happens. Week 3 against the Chiefs looks promising.

Kevin Kolb, QB, Philadelphia Eagles: He’s got a sweet matchup against the Chiefs this week if McNabb sits again.

Byron Leftwich, QB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Not to be relied on all season, Leftwich has started hot this year in games where he is forced to overcome the failings of the Tampa Bay defense. He won’t be starting all year with Josh Freeman waiting in the wings, but he’s worth a look if you’re starter is out or your backup is le suck.

Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots: When Wes Welker is out, his stats will go to Edelman. It’s a perfect system in New England. With Welker expected to return, I wouldn’t recommend picking him up, but keep Edelman in mind next time Welker is inactive.

Justin Forsett, RB, Seattle Seahawks: We know that Julius Jones fades down the stretch, and Forsett contributed on Sunday against the 49ers surprising defense. Could he be the one to take over when Jones fails? Forsett’s got some long-term value if you can hold onto him for a bit.

New York Jets D/ST: They arrived this week in keeping the Patriots out of the end zone. No offensive touchdowns allowed in two games? I’ll take that.

San Francisco 49ers D/ST: One to watch. I’m not convinced they’re completely legit, but we’ll see how they do this week against Adrian Peterson.

For more waiver wire analysis…

As always, the comments are yours. If you need some help in reshaping your roster, leave your questions in the comments.