Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

The League S03E04: Kevin’s Ol’ Smoke Crotch and Golden Gating with Rafi

Andre explains his use of "dick spit"

It seems Ruxin’s finally paying for all his misdeeds this season…or could it be that there’s a Madden curse hex on the champion of the league? Andre did get a taste of his own medicine when he defiled the trophy after winning the last year.

So far in Ruxin’s reign, his son has missed his chance to go to Jewish preschool when Andre’s Sacko porn debuted a tad too early, and now Pete’s sleeping with his au pair under his own roof. It all gets even worse for Ruxin this week as he’s left with Baby Geoffrey just long enough for his son to eat an ice cube (“No water cookies!”) from the urinal and become “forever unclean.”

What did he do to deserve this? Oh, wait…it’s Ruxin.

Everyone’s getting older, and part of dealing with that is handling the pee. The older you get, as a guy, the harder it gets (I have to assume) to actually get pee in the toilet and not all over yourself.

Each of the guys is dealing with this issue in their own way — Taco with his own “Taco Marked” pee bib, Ruxin by trying to rub the pee of his pants (and getting caught in a compromising position by Ashley in the process) — but it’s Kevin who deals with something even worse than a little trickle.

Kevin finds a white pube.

In doing some product testing for Taco’s pee bib concept, a leftover cocktail napkin from Kevin and Jenny’s wedding, Kevin finds a dreaded white hair on the napkin.

It’s the saddest moment in a man’s life when he realizes his days are limited. He’s not immortal. He’s not going to live forever. The pubes will not always be fire crotchety…or brown…or whatever your color may happen to be.

Someday, we’ll all have a smoke crotch.

But Kevin finds his first white pube and is immediately disturbed. He already has a complex around the other guys in the league. Sure, he has more hair than Andre, more money than Pete, more success than Taco, and more of his soul than Ruxin, but it’s hard to remind yourself of that when confronted with your own white pube, especially with the type of conversations that are taking place these days within the league circle.

Pete’s busying the guys with talk of his sexual renaissance with Ashley the Au Pair and trying to solve the mystery of the “Golden Gate” sexual position she wants to try. No one has a clue, although it’s safe to rule out it’s not having sex and then jumping off a bridge. Andre’s former lady friend didn’t have a name for that one when she did it.

Little does Pete know that a “Golden Gate” involves Rafi, who Ruxin invites into his house to scare out Ashley the Au Pair when she seizes power after catches Ruxin allegedly whacking it to her application photo.

Ruxin gets Caught by Ashley the Au Pair

By the way, there’s the answer to the question we’ve always asked, “Who does the devil make a deal with when the devil can’t get something done?” Rafi.

To Pete’s credit, the “Golden Gate” Ashley wanted to do with Rafi doesn’t seem to appear under the name “Golden Gate” in any resource I found. (Those links are NSFW, in case you were wondering.)

Needless to say, Pete bailed out of his relationship with Ashley and left her to Rafi once he finally found out how to make the “bridge” for a “Golden Gate.” But a single Ashley gives Ruxin more problems.

So, in the matter of the white pube, it’s up to Kevin to solve his problem on his own. Andre reaches out to him, without really knowing that Kevin’s crotch hair is the real problem, and the two go to the spa together to rejuvenate. There, Kevin finds many an uncomfortable moment with Andre’s half-nude body and awkward closeness, but he also finds hope…and an eyebrow wax.

It’s not until after the spa (and after Taco, on his own, stumbles across one of Kevin’s white pubes and, thus, his secret) that Kevin decides that something must be done.

On Sunday, with the rest of the league downstairs discussing the merits of Taco’s Taco Marked pee bib prototype, Kevin takes the brown dye (but isn’t he a redhead?) to his down under so that he can look and feel young and virile once again.

In his rush to get back to the gang downstairs while they harass him for taking so long in the bathroom, Kevin reaches for the blow dryer. And that somehow manages to catch his crotch on fire.

So instead of “ol’ smoke crotch,” Kevin got the real thing — an old, smokey crotch. That is, once he put the flames out on his firecrotch with Taco’s pee bibs.

So many questions. Will he let Andre do the reconstructive surgery? Will Rafi stop banging Ashley in Ruxin’s house? Will Ruxin ever figure out which corner was Rafi’s pee corner?

We may never know. Or we might find out next week.

Memorable quotes from Episode 4:

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire.”

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, FOREVER UNCLEAN!”

RUXIN: “I will legally take care of him because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.”

KEVIN: “This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.”

KEVIN: “Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old, and it hasn’t even lived yet.”

RUXIN: “I’m not a disgusting pig. I peed on myself.”

RUXIN: “…I fed him turkey chili for lunch. Oh, that crib’s gonna be a war zone.”

KEVIN [on Golden Gate]: “I think it’s code for anal.”
PETE: “Oh, we don’t use code words for that.”

RUXIN: “You think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?”

ANDRE: “Look, we all have our little secrets. For example…[whispers]…I’m losing my hair.”

RAFI: “That means my wiener needs to be out.”

RAFI: “Can you just say the word ‘yes’? Just say it out loud!”
ASHLEY: “Yes…”
RAFI [to Ruxin]: “CONSENT! You heard it. You’re a lawyer.”

RAFI: “Yeah, I’m going to court-martial her…vagina…with my wiener.”

Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

RUXIN: “There’s no pee corner.”
RAFI: “No, I know what I do. You know what I mean? Like, I’m going to use that as my pee corner, and I’m going to use this as my slop basket.”

ANDRE: “You ever swallow your own spit? It’s the same idea. Same idea as spit! … It’s dick spit. Come on!”

RUXIN: “…I’m sorry for interrupting you.”
RAFI: “You’re watching it happen right now.”

RUXIN: “Facial?”
ALL: “…Okay. [and the requisite bowing]”

TACO: “You look like a china doll of Kevin.”

TACO: “What about Casper the Friendly Pube? Was he there?”

PETE: “Come on, Kevin. Where there was fire, there’s smoke…crotch.”

RAFI: “We’re building a bridge!”

PETE: “Too much hair on the bridge. It’s a hairy bridge!”

RAFI: “Oh, dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian’s so my dick is TERRIFYING!”

PETE: “No golden gating. I hate San Francisco. I’m dropping Vernon Davis, and…uh…” [runs out of bedroom]

KEVIN: “I’m on the toilet, babe. It’s complicated.”
JENNY: “You’re disgusting. I love you. Good luck.”

RAFI: “I already heard all the details because Rafi broke into the shower while I was in there, told me the story, and then, purely based off instinct, tried to shiv me.”

TACO: “97 percent of the time, the pee bib worked…unless I had an erection…”

TACO: “Leave the ideas to the IDEA man.”

RUXIN: “I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you?”
JENNY: “He doesn’t do that…anymore.”

TACO: “Hey, Santa Cock! Are you dreaming of a white Dickmas?”

RAFI: “I feel like I just got milked.”

RAFI: “Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty f**king classy.”

RUXIN: “Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”

Foolish Thoughts on Week 6: Last-second nonsense

Who is the better Manning now? I think Peyton Manning put ex-lax in his brother’s Gatorade this week. It was time to shut up the critics. Peyton gets three touchdowns; Eli gets three picks. At least in fantasy, it looks like Peyton may have reclaimed his top spot on the Manning mantel for now.

And Eli has lost my respect (again) until he can tackle the lone man running down the sidelines.

Speaking of Peyton, who knew the Colts had a defense? I thought Bob Sanders was the only one making sure those defensive players punched their time cards. Without him, none of them were showing up to work. When the Colts take the lead, apparently the defense comes to play.

Baltimore better rethink that “Joe Flacco is our starter” thing for Week 7.

Could there have been a sloppier looking game than Detroit and Minnesota? Orlovsky’s safetying of himself ended up being the difference in this one. Is that really how the Vikings had to win? They’ve got to look better — same goes for the Cowboys. Adrian Peterson has to start pulling his fantasy weight out there. Bears, Texans and Packers may let him do that.

By the way, Bobby Wade = reliable, incredibly unsexy wide receiver option, but I’ll wait for Sidney Rice.

JaMarcus Russell was overwhelmed by the game plan on Sunday — that’s not exactly the line you want to be spreading to keep your job, Cable. Did you see what Al Davis did to the last guy? I hope you have a family. Otherwise, Davis might just mount you on his wall where no one can hear you scream.

If Brees could throw sniper bullets — which might be possible — the United States would never need an army. He’s throwing with a laser sight, and he should be even more lethal when Marques Colston and Jeremy Shockey return.

Is anyone else starting to feel sorry for the Bengals? I mean, they have Ryan Fitzpatrick trying to do what a gimpy-elbowed Carson Palmer has been incapable of doing — win one. Their best chance in the immediate future to get a win is to sneak up on the Texans in Week 8, but the Texans should be ready for that.

I’d look into the kind of offers you can get for your Bengals this week — except for T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Housh could still produce while NFL defenses pay some attention to Chad Johnson.

Favre continues to be wishy-washy in the Jets passing game. Are the Jets going to run or pass next week? If I own Brett Favre, I might look to trade him after his next big day to a team with a more reliable starter. Besides, he’s still got the Madden curse…

Atlanta surprised the crap out of me this year with Matt Ryan. Michael Turner isn’t the only fantasy weapon there. Roddy White is an every-week starter, and Matt Ryan now warrants consideration when his matchup is good. Those scouting reports before the NFL draft that claimed he would be a risky franchise QB look like they were wrong now. In dynasty leagues, I’d try to obtain Roddy and Ryan. Besides, how can you not like a QB that jumps on his coach like a schoolboy after the kicker wins it?

Wha? What? Whaaaa? Carolina shuts out Kansas City and then almost gets shut out and blown away by Tampa Bay. The Panthers defense just became a pain to predict each week. Let’s see which one shows up in Week 7 against the Saints. For their sake, I hope it’s the good one (see: Drew Brees air-to-touchdown destruction tour).

Trap game, huh? The Rams finally won against the Redskins. Was there a curse on NFC East teams this week? (see: Redskins, Giants, Cowboys) I blame Andy Reid. I don’t think that was Haslett’s doing. I’m still very afraid of my Rams. They face the Romo-less Cowboys, Patriots and Cardinals in the next three weeks.

Should NFL coaches start interviewing college defensive coordinators on how to stop that ‘Wildcat’ offense? Ronnie Brown sure makes it look good. Will Patrick Cobbs do that again? (Drop your opinion in the comments.)

Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson look like they’re going to get it together this year. Will Houston fans stop calling for Sage now? I thought last week’s helicopter would silence that chant.

Maybe Daniel Graham hasn’t lost his TE skills, but I can’t wait for Tony Scheffler to get back on the field. Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal should be fine. This week was just a slow one due to injuries, and Stokley going out didn’t give Marshall much help. They just need to stop turning the ball over.

If that’s what Maurice Jones-Drew would be like as the starting back in Jacksonville, I’m all for it. Unfortunately, Fred Taylor should squash those dreams again when he gets back on the field.

David Garrard should be on an upswing after this week’s win. The Jags play the Browns, Bengals and Lions in the next three weeks.

Donovan McNabb, like Brees, doesn’t need his best receivers to make plays. Was that Buckhalter or Westbrook out there? I couldn’t tell.

Frank Gore just holds it down every week. Martz with a running game is a nice look. He just needs one more big receiver to come through besides Isaac Bruce. A healthy Bryant Johnson could do the trick — healthy being the key word there.

No one can stay healthy in Seattle. Even Julius Jones and Bobby Engram might suffer for a good while. Charlie Frye is one of those backups you don’t really want starting games for you.

Aaron Rodgers looks the guy that made Favre move on to another team. I’m saying it. I still believe that Ryan Grant will find his old self again soon. They aren’t afraid to run the ball; Grant had 33 carries but only racked up 90 yards. TDs would be nice.

The Arizona defense has looked both idiotic and unstoppable this season. Like Carolina, I don’t know where to place them yet, but they certainly tore apart the Cowboys and injured some key positions.

The Romo loss hurts, but the Cowboys haven’t brought it all together this season despite their talent. Maybe this four-game stint with Brad Johnson will shock them. Big ups to Marion Barber as he might see his workload go up significantly for several weeks.

I think Wade Phillips ate the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Larry Fitzgerald might be the best receiver in the NFL right now, and he certainly could be the best receiver in fantasy in 2008 as long as Kurt Warner stays at quarterback.

At the other end of the quarterback standings, Matt Cassel is a sad copycat of Tom Brady. He just can’t make the throws. Welker’s reliable but gives only meager stats, and Randy Moss is no better than Chad Johnson at this point.

The Chargers’ transition into a throw-first red zone team hurts LaDainian Tomlinson’s value. With his toe injury and limited yardage, he needs touchdowns to put up decent fantasy numbers. Philip Rivers is only good now because Tomlinson is bad. Keep that in mind as they head into the bye.

Congrats on hitting 11,000 career yards, L.T.

The Cleveland Browns are alive again. Was it the ‘Wildcat’ that did it?

Any foolish reader thoughts from Week 6? Post ‘em in the comments.

Dude… Brett Favre and Laveranues Coles

After a poor showing on Monday night against the Chargers, Brett Favre came up big in Week 4 with a six touchdown performance against the Arizona Cardinals. The prototypical gunslinger quarterback hit 24 of his 34 pass attempts for 289 yards. The six TDs was a career high for the veteran, 38-year-old QB.

He found an unlikely hero in Laveranues Coles, bringing down three of the six touchdowns on Sunday. The touchdowns were a career high for Coles as well. While the quarterback and receiver didn’t have great chemistry to start the season — partly because Coles was injured and partly because Coles was against the Jets’ ditching of his friend and former QB Chad Pennington — they seem to be on the same page now, the end zone page.

For career days in reality and massive point totals in fantasy, Favre and Coles share Dude… award honors this week.

Favre split his touchdowns between Coles (3), Jerricho Cotchery (2) and rookie TE Dustin Keller (1) on Sunday in a beat down of the Cardinals. The Jets even threw on a fourth-and-one play…for a touchdown. The final score was 56-35.

More from Favre on the Coles connection from Tim Graham on ESPN’s NFL Nation Blog:

Favre noted it took so long to develop chemistry with Coles in particular because Coles’ nagging thigh injury limited their reps together through training camp. Coles went into the game with 10 catches and one touchdown through three games.

“I can’t tell you how many people within this organization have told me — week in and week out — if you just throw the ball to L.C., he’ll make a play,” Favre said. “I didn’t go out there [Sunday] and say ‘I’m just going to throw it to L.C.’

“The guy’s a playmaker. Our communication has been great regardless of what people may think. We talk about more things than we have actually gone out and practiced. So I think it’s a work in progress, but I think he’s a heck of a player. You’ve got to find a way to get him the ball.”

If it’s still a work in progress, the Favre-Coles fantasy connection should come up big for owners this season. Favre’s upcoming schedule will provide him plenty of opportunities for more record days.

Although they didn’t show it, Arizona had been playing some very good defense until Sunday. The Cardinals had no answer and gave Brett room to throw all day. Something tells me the Cardinals won’t play that soft of a defense again this season, but it’s just a hunch.

And maybe next time the Jets will have a record day in their actual uniforms instead of in Titans throwbacks that looked like Oakland Raiders practice squad jerseys. Heaven forbid they keep wearing them to prevent a jinx.

If they want to worry about a jinx, there’s always the Madden curse