The League S03E08: Thanksgiving brings family together (for tur-guinea)

Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman?! It truly is a time for Thanksgiving. And this year, we give thanks for awkward family reunions (and guinea pigs).

To celebrate the season, Ellie volunteered to take care of the class guinea pig over the Thanksgiving break. Personally, I think it’s never a good idea for a kid to take care of the class pet over the holidays. All too often, it results in two scenarios:

  1. The class pet dies, either of natural causes or the home environment
  2. The kid who takes care of the pet likes it so much that they want to keep it or get another pet of their own to replace it when it’s gone.

It’s lose-lose, in my opinion, but that’s what Kevin and Jenny are in for when Ellie volunteers to take care of Shakespeare.

In anticipation of the holiday season, the league has all made a “fat bet,” a competition based upon how much weight they can lose before Turkey Day and how much they exercise. Included in the bet, any man who doesn’t exercise for at least 30 minutes each day pays $50 into the pot.

That’s probably one of the most ambitious challenges I’ve heard of for a holiday. I hope none of my friends every propose that idea.

Ruxin’s been dominating the competition thus far (although as with many things Ruxin, all does not seem to be fair in this competition). But he falls down to earth a bit when, instead of having the house to himself for his “house hotel” the week of Thanksgiving, Ruxin ends up running into his dad, who was also trying to get out of spending the holidays with family.

Together, the two holiday bachelors decide to spend Thanksgiving together, but each admits they were planning on doing it their way. And they do.

So Ruxin’s dad (who also goes by Ruxin rather than Rupert but, for the sake of clarity, will be called Rupert) runs every morning with Ruxin’s “fat bet” pedometer while Ruxin spares no lotion in choking the chicken while the missus is away.

There’s something about Jeff Goldblum talking about the realities of the human spirit and our desire to watch porn on the big screen TV (Full volume!) that just warms the heart. Don’t you agree?

The gang also gets a visit from Andre’s older sister, Heather (Sarah Silverman), who taught all of them (and by proxy, Andre) everything they know about sex. Her presence and voice-inside-the-ear on Andre about all the things the guys make fun of him for leaves him feeling out-of-place during the Thanksgiving festivities.

In another bid to make a fortune, Taco has invested in a white truffle. Despite Taco’s best efforts, not even Andre will pay him more than his costs, regardless of how many “business lessons” he tries to share.

By meal time, the league members have gathered together, Ruxin’s dad and Heather in tow, to celebrate Thanksgiving at the MacArthur house. After the fat bet weigh-in and totals are finalized, which Ruxin wins easily thanks to his father’s running, they all settle down to eat, but not before Pete gets approached by Heather.

While Pete explains his need for food before he satisfies Heather, they accidentally bump Shakespeare’s cage, freeing the guinea pig to roam. By the time Kevin and Jenny come by to feed him, the creature’s long gone, taking Taco’s white truffle with him. (Who puts a truffle in a playroom?)

Resolving to go on like nothing has happened, Jenny serves dinner, and it goes off without a hitch — well, other than a palette cleanse turned lesson in female fellatio lesson — up until it’s time for turkey, which turns out to be a tur-guinea. (Don’t worry! They found Shakespeare.)

As everyone flees the dining room in an attempt to cleans themselves of the guinea pig they’ve just consumed, Ruxin, Andre, and Taco come face to face with Ruxin’s father Rupert’s vinegar strokes when they discover him balls deep in Heather, who couldn’t wait any longer for Pete.

Talk about families coming together, right?

Memorable quotes from Episode 8:

KEVIN: “He’s vermin.”

KEVIN: “Near the food? Good God, woman, that’s how the plague started.”

RUXIN [on Kevin's "eater high"]: “You mean diabetes?”

RUXIN: “I’m going to have my house to myself, where I can roll around my house like an anonymous man in a hotel room.”

RUXIN: “I’ve been collecting those hotel-sized moisturizer bottles just getting ready.”

RUXIN: “Why would I use Noxzema?”
ANDRE: “‘Cause it’s cold and tingly like a girl’s vagina.”

RUXIN: “It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here. Congratulations on that.”

KEVIN [to Andre]: “Did you meet him on Craigslist or are his intentions honorable?”

RUXIN: “Andre, and I say this fondly, your sister was such an unrelenting slutbag.”

RUXIN: “I’m pretty sure the facials were going towards her, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Think I’m gonna do about 5 miles today.”

RUPERT: “Well, look at you, you little homunculus. Without any pants. No shoes. Like a man who’s just fled from a carnival. You know, you look a bit pale. Some would say pasty. I say like a freshly peeled apple.”

RUPERT: “Continue with this homoerotic competition talk. It’s more than delightful.”

ANDRE: “You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.”

ANDRE: “…That’s why mescal never tasted the same.”

RUXIN: “Full disclosure? We’re both adults. I was here to watch the Playboy Channel.”
RUPERT: “Bullshit.”
RUXIN: “I was gonna watch something filthier. Not on my laptop. Everything is at your fingers on a laptop, but no, you wanna watch it…”
RUPERT: “On a TV! Full volume!”
RUXIN: “Full volume! Not hidden away like Anne Frank in the attic whispering, you know.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, he’s running so much he’s now walking funny.”

KEVIN: “Here’s the church. Here’s the steeple. Open the doors, and just eat all the people.”
HEATHER: “Nose, nose, nose…”

TACO: “Yeah, we were playing Sister Invader.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, Seven Minutes in Heather.”

HEATHER: “He was taught by the best, this guy.”

JENNY: “…No, we don’t go to church.”

PETE: “We do have a quorum.”
KEVIN: “Never…again.”

HEATHER: “No, they’re shit-talking. You’re shit-taking.”

RUXIN: “Bro, it’s all muscle.”

ANDRE: “No, it’s called a belly band.”

RUXIN: “Hehe. Postpartum girdle!”

HEATHER: “Go tide yourself over. I’ll meet you in 8 minutes. We’ll ‘go to the bathroom,’ but really, you’ll lick my vagina.”

KEVIN: “And I want to take you to church. I just get confused. Sometimes I pull up, and I’m sweaty already. I’m not exactly sure which door to go into, alright?”

KEVIN: “Look, there’s truffle shavings. He dragged it out like a lion ripping out a gazelle. If we were a restaurant, they would shut us down. They would give us a D…”

KEVIN: “Like Helen Keller!”

TACO: “That’s why I had sex with her yesterday…I hate sexual tension.”

JENNY: “You just gently take a little lick…Cleanse your palette.”

HEATHER: “Kevin, just let the sorbet know you’re there with the heat of your breath.”

TACO: “I don’t really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.”

KEVIN: “I’m never going to be able to eat sorbet like that.”

RUXIN: “I feel like I’m watching my own birth.”

ANDRE: “Can we get a palette cleanser for our palette cleanser?”

RUXIN: “You fed us goddamn guinea pig like some Peruvian street urchin?!”

JENNY: “It’s a tur-guinea!”

ANDRE: “I just saw your dad’s vinegar strokes.”
TACO: “I saw into his soul. Not good.”

I just might have to change my fantasy football team name to “The Twilight: Breaking Dawn-dres.” Thoughts?

The League S02E08: “The Tie” is No Way to Retire as League Commissioner

You get no love for being a league commissioner. It’s a thankless job, but the good ones have the respect of their league even when they aren’t in agreement. And the very best ones have dirt on every member of the league.

That comes in handy when there’s drama, when league members turn into assholes…or when they show their assholes.

The trash talk has gotten serious this week. Before the games even begin, Ruxin gives his best impression of Ace Ventura’s talking butt, minus the pants. It’s ugly when buttholes are involved, but Ruxin is pissed that Kevin refused to help him substitute a player on his starting roster.

Ruxin’s butthole blasphemy on the league site is too much for Kevin, who claims there are no personal attacks on the message boards. So he removes the post.

I don’t know about your league, but my league posts almost all personal attacks on the message boards. What else are they good for besides trash talk? That’s the best thing about the message boards. In fact, I thought that’s why they were invented. Just like the Internet was invented for porn, forums were invented for personal attacks.

By the way, if you didn’t get the conversation about Andre resembling Nosferatu, Google Image Search that. It’s a worthwhile comparison.

Nosferatu vs. Andre

Taco’s weekly distraction doesn’t take long to surface. He fell out a tree, broke his wrist, and discovered Western medicine in the emergency room. Apparently, up until now, Taco was oblivious to modern medicine, among other things. So he now worships Andre and his medical degree. See? Andre doesn’t always play the lame one.

But still, see the Nosferatu versus Andre comparison.

Meanwhile, Pete met a friend in the park who has promised him Bears-Vikings tickets for a “favor.” Since the league believes “favors are gay”–they never would have made it in the Mafia–they convince Pete that this guy is also, in fact, gay and trying to get in Pete’s pants by giving him the free tickets. Either way, Pete has no idea that the Bears-Vikings game won’t be very exciting. 27-13 Bears.

The Kevin and Ruxin feud leads to a team name battle as both league members change their team names to send a message–The Kevin’s Micro Dongs, The MacArthur’s Crotch Nubs, and The Ruxin Looks Like A Middle-Aged Lesbians.

But when Kevin’s failure to sub out a player for Ruxin causes him to tie Andre, Ruxin goes over the edge.

After a rapid sequence of team name changes and league name changes, Ruxin fires back by naming his team “Fear Boners.” That’s too much for Kevin, and he hangs up his commish spurs.

A league without a commish is no league at all.

As we learn from Pete later in the episode, “fear boner” is one of the unmentionables…but obviously not enough of one not to mention it to Andre and Taco. Pete tells them the full story: Kevin got an erection in an alley when Ruxin, Pete, and Kevin were approached by an intimidating black man. Awk-ward.

Since Kevin’s out of the picture as the league’s former commissioner and with no one to stop them, Ruxin and Andre decide to break their tie with a footrace through the park, like something out of Lord of the Flies, according to Pete.

Hidden gem moment: Taco tries to start them with a real gun. Where does this guy get a gun? Fortunately for all, saner minds prevail. And the race begins.

After about 30 seconds of awkward flailing and panting, Andre and Ruxin near the finish line. In the final stretch, Ruxin goes down. But was it incidental contact or interference? No one can make the call.

Luckily, a gay couple is having a commitment ceremony just up the hill from the finish line, and the two are happy to oblige (without their knowledge) by surrendering their tape to the league as an instant replay machine.

As if we needed more reason to suspect Pete is in over his head on this tickets scheme, Pete runs into the man who promised him the tickets at the ceremony, lending more credibility to the league’s theory that he’s trying to get in Pete’s pants.

After checking the tape, the league determines it was incidental contact, not a push. Ruxin fell down. And so, Andre is the winner.

But during the booth review of Andre and Ruxin’s race, the league fills Pete’s head with the key warning signs that this guy is looking for loving: jazz music, a lit fireplace, and a silk robe.

And what a surprise! When Pete goes to pick up the tickets, jazz music, a (fake) lit fireplace on the ol’ LCD, and his “friend” wearing a silk robe are all there. The tickets are even out on a table in a lovely little envelope. How is it that you pay prostitutes again?

In a fit of awkwardness, Pete reveals that, while he thought he could, he can’t even pull off even a hand job in exchange for the tickets…just as his pal’s family enters the room. And as if he could have still recovered from that mistake, the dreaded “fear boner” strikes Pete.

As any sane person would do when a stranger explains that he can’t provide a hand job, asks if you’re gay, and then proceeds to pitch a tent, the “friend” in the silk robe kicks Pete out. So Pete gets no tickets, despite his best efforts to steal them on his way out the door.

How do you get strong-armed by a guy in a silk robe? Pete, you used to impress me, but that’s just shameful.

On their way out the apartment that night, Andre and Ruxin bump into the not-so-happy couple in search of their missing wedding tape. The newlyweds are ready to kick their asses.

Andre and Ruxin are forced to run into the park at night, closely followed by two cops. When they are discovered in the bushes together, they find no pity from a gay cop, who arrests them for giving “us” a bad name.

Cool and calculated, non-commish Kevin comes to bail the two out, but he’ll only bail out the one who was faster…unless they admit that they tied. Ah, what a masterpiece. Kevin would make it in the Mafia.

In the end, Kevin forces Andre and Ruxin to admit that they tied. Order is restored. Kevin is commish again. And Andre goes a little Titanic on Kevin, putting his hand on the glass.

Kevin does not reciprocate, but Andre probably could have earned himself some Bears-Vikings tickets…

As always, an episode just wouldn’t be complete without the musical stylings of Taco. This episode ends with Taco and Kevin singing “Fear Boner” and “Pete’s Little Tiny Erect Dick,” which compares Pete’s member to a pink Q-tip in classic The League fashion.

Memorable one-liners from Episode 8

KEVIN: “Ahhhh, it looks like a rusty balloon knot.” [Hiding eyes from Ruxin's anus]

TACO: “Is that why you plucked your mane?” [Reaching for Andre's bald head]

TACO: “I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.”

RUXIN: “Yeah, the Kevin’s Micro Dongs are best at coming from behind.”

TACO: “Washing your hands is healthy? I did it because it felt good…”

RUXIN: “Parks are like the Club Med for homosexuals. But instead of Jamaicans, it’s hobos.”

KEVIN: “A tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table’s done, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Fantasy football is about proving that you are better than your friends, not equally as good as your friends, okay? It’s not communism. We’re not coveting Billy Joel cassette tapes and wearing ill-fitting blue jeans.”

KEVIN: “I’m going to see a girl, and I have an anticip-erection!”

PETE: “In one single moment, he was cowardly, gay, homophobic, and racist–the perfect quadfecta.”

PETE: “I enjoy both or your unorthodox running styles: you with the shrieking girl thing and you with the escaping mental patient.”

PETE: “We’re like a frittata Lord of the Flies, man. Help us!” [to Kevin as Ruxin and Andre race]

RUXIN: “You’re gay?”
GAY COP: “I’m gay!”
ANDRE: “But you’re a cop?”
RUXIN: “Yeah, but he’s got a mustache.”

TACO: “It’s hard to stay soft in a frightening world…” [first line of "Fear Boner" by Taco and featuring Kevin]

[ Jump to Episode 9: "Expert Witness" ]