If you screw up my team, I'm going to cut your penis into thin slices of salami

The League S03E13: The Funeral for Kevin’s Championship [Season 3 Finale]

This is why we can’t have nice things. Ruxin stroked out. Kevin got everyone busted for redrawing the draft order, and Andre still doesn’t have an ICE. How can we save this season?

We all got a bit of a scare in the last episode. Could Ruxin be dead? Will his face really stick like that? And who takes over his team?

You’ll be delighted to know that he lived — at least long enough for Rafi to rack up several attempted murder charges.

In my view, killing Ruxin would be a step in the wrong direction, so I’m glad Rafi’s thinly veiled attempts to smother his brother-in-law were a complete failure. He probably made more progress in spitting game at the gruff nurse.

Of course, Rafi first ensured Ruxin’s legacy by procuring his sperm in the most humane way possible. That’s all a decent guy could ask, right?

How? I jerked you off. Like a dog.

While Rafi may have a special way of coping with his brother-in-law’s close encounter with death, the rest of the league is a little more level-headed. Only Taco, sensitive soul that he is, feels changed in ways he nor we fully understand by the “near-death” experience of being near Ruxin’s near-death experience.

But the rest of the league just needs to know who’s going to take over Ruxin’s team for his showdown with Pete in the Sacko Bowl. For that answer, they turn to Ruxin’s video will, carefully crafted by his own law firm. And it’s a piece fit for the message boards itself.

After dictating that his golf clubs should be sold on Craigslist or thrown away rather than given to any of his very disappointed friends, Ruxin goes on to torture them even further by confessing that he was the one to trash Pete’s favorite vinyl and that he never really understood what Kevin saw in Jenny.

One might have expected that to be the other way around. But then again, evil Ruxin has always been full of surprises.

Eventually (and maybe the stalling was all part of the game for him), Ruxin finally gets to the issue at hand. He leaves his team to Andre — a surprise option D for most odd makers — before  finishing with a final, sounding “Suck It!”

So we can gather that, in the event of his death, Ruxin wanted to leave us all with a joke.

The anxiety of managing Ruxin’s team in the Sacko Bowl immediately starts to show on Andre, who tries to channel his own inner Ruxin around the gang by swilling vodka and offering to buy hotel rooms  as if it will somehow empower him to run Ruxin’s team more effectively.

Couldn’t he just laugh maniacally and second-guess all his lineup decisions? Seems to work for Ruxin-everyone-calls-me-Ruxin himself.

But Andre’s job gets a little more difficult when Rafi discovers he’s been left out of the family fortune and demands they run the team together, as Rafi is the rightful next of kin. And Rafi’s knifey conversation style can be pretty convincing.

A visit to Ruxin provides them with only positive reinforcement…
If you screw up my team, I'm going to cut your penis into thin slices of salami

But Jenny has better luck.

Knowing her husband, Kevin, is hopelessly dependent on this season counting to validate his abilities as a fantasy football addict and as a man (because of the bet Jenny and Kevin made), Jenny pays Ruxin a visit to beg him to allow this season to count.

Dressing as Sofia to bypass the nurses station (“That Puerto Rican slut is my husband’s mistress!”), Whore-Jenny meets with Ruxin and gets him to agree to allow the season to count as long as he doesn’t win the Sacko.

But the charity is not strong with the Pete one. He’s done  his St. Pete duties. Now he’s just the old, mean Pete, unwilling to take a dive in the Sacko Bowl to save  the season for Kevin’s championship because it would be too dangerous for him as the ruthless Sacko del Toro commissioner.

One ray of hope does emerge from this intervention with Pete in the form of Taco — who else? Finally making sense of the life-altering moment that was peeing on a post-stroke Ruxin, Taco donates his money to Matt Forte’s charity, Mercy Home for Boys and Girls. The donation warrants a visit from Forte to Ruxin’s bedside, which could motivate the fallen villain just enough to get him back on his game.

But Matt Forte’s official visit is hijacked by Andre, who’s sizing up Forte’s knee in order to properly set Ruxin’s lineup. Forte’s only real encouragement for a very excited Ruxin is a jersey and a slap of the football into Ruxin’s nuts. But I have to say Ruxin seemed to enjoy it, even through the post-stroke duckface.

As the Sacko Bowl showdown draws near, Ruxin learns how to use a mouth device to type and click the trackpad on his laptop, which allows him to make add/drops that confuse and upset both Andre and Rafi. Rafi just wants Bruce Banner on the team so The Incredible Hulk can win it all for his brother-in-law. Is that so much to ask?

It’s Shiva that finally comes to Ruxin’s rescue. While being wheeled out to see his own wife, eager to see him start walking so they can get him out of the hospital, Ruxin spots Dr. Shiva — the person, not the trophy — in the hallway.

The sight of her and the accompanying vision sends Ruxin stumbling down the hallway to exchange a sloppy, duckfaced kiss with the embodiment of the trophy he still owns, at least for now.

Much like kissing a frog, kissing Shiva cures Ruxin of all the effects of his stroke, and, instantly, he speaks clearly and walks without a limp.

Back at Kevin’s house, the Shiva Bowl is wholly uneventful. Taco blows off even watching the games because he wants Kevin to win anyway and has more important things to do, and the lackluster experience just takes the fun out of bringing home the trophy, at last, for Kevin.

What good is a trophy without a face to rub it in?

The Sacko Bowl ends up the same way. Against the combined powers of stroked Ruxin, Andre, and knifey-Rafi, Pete wins easily to doom Ruxin to a term as the Sacko and put the very legitimacy in the league in danger.

But the gig is up! It’s then that the  invites to the funeral arrive.

It seems Taco, disgusted by his fantasy football league this season, has been plotting all along to put it down. So he’s prepared a viking funeral for all the league’s memorabilia, including the Sacko, the Shiva, Kegel the Elf, and Andre’s laptop (“This is where the evil all began”).

Rafi arrives in the Bobbum van just in time to deliver the dead — err, not so dead — body of Ruxin to the festivities.

But only the crazies (Do I have to say? Okay, Rafi and Taco) and Ruxin really want to see this season burn.

Kevin desperately wants the season to count so that he can finally put his name on the Shiva, but Ruxin is determined not to let that happen.

It’s at that touching moment, standing by a boat full of fantasy football memories and a torch-wielding Taco, that Jenny reveals the news: she’s pregnant. So whether or not Kevin wins the Shiva, at least he won the bet.

That seems to calm him down, but they have to fight over something, right?

Ready to do this thing, Taco and Kevin become locked in a struggle for who gets to light the funeral pyre. When Pete tries to intervene, he gets knocked to the ground right on top of the hot SACKO brand from Andre’s weekly forced steak ceremony, searing “SACKO” into Pete’s own flesh.

Appropriate for the Sacko del Toro commissioner, you might say.

While Pete’s tending to his damaged skin and pride, he distracts everyone just enough for Ruxin to light the boat on fire and Taco to kick it out into the water.

For a moment, it’s actually quite peaceful as they all watch the memories of three seasons of bickering, trash-talking and tomfoolery float away.

It was good times, wasn’t it? You were there…and you were there…

However, touching moments are for losers, not champions. Kevin can’t settle for that. So Kevin, not content to be just a father, dives in the water after his Shiva — Shiva blasting all the way.

Will he drown? Is his life in danger? And more importantly, will they recover the Shiva?!?

In any event, the credits roll, and once again, we’re without The League for a few months. I don’t always comment on the overall quality of the show as we go through it episode by episode. I prefer to keep these as recaps rather than reviews — I’m no TV critic — but I enjoyed Season 3 a bit more than I did Season 2 of The League. I  think it found a bit of that spark that gave Season 1 so much hype without losing the depth and character they developed in Season 2.

I can’t wait to see what they put together next year. Oh, and yes, there will be a Season 4.

“We are thrilled to do more shows with a cast that makes us laugh hard everyday, on a network that actually lets us put those jokes on air,” the Schaffers, executive producers of ‘The League,’ said. “In the words of Taco: ‘The League’ on FX on Thursday nights is a law, like water or dinosaurs.”

Water or dinosaurs indeed.

What do you want to see out of The League in Season 4?  Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.

Memorable quotes from Episode 13:

RAFI: “You had a stroke, okay? So it’s time to die…Great news! Your dick still works. I harvested a bunch of your sperm, so you’re going to live forever.”

RAFI: “It was a murder boner. What do you think it is?”

TACO: “You know what? He’s been through a lot. We should just give him the Shiva.”
KEVIN: “You shut your goddamn mouth!”

RUXIN [on video]: “Hello, I’m Rodney Ruxin, everyone-calls-me-Ruxin.”

TACO: “So you would pay to see two guys having sex?”

RAFI: “Now we’re having a conversation!”

RAFI: “I am allowed to carry a gun if I don’t tell anybody I have it. It’s called a concealed weapon!”

RAFI: “It’s fantasy football. So the Hulk should be able to be on the team.”

RUXIN: “If you screw up my team, I’ll cut your penis into thin slices of salami.”

RAFI: “You know what I like about you? You’re making me work for it.

JENNY: “Are you trying to ‘high-na-tize’ me right now?!”

KEVIN: “Ew. Feels like I’m kissing Al Davis.”

RUXIN: “Liar.”
JENNY: “There you are!”

RUXIN: “Why are you dressed like a whore?”
JENNY: “I had to dress like your wife to get in here.”
RUXIN: “Fives.”

KEVIN: “This is the most important thing that’s ever happened to me in my life! [To Jenny] No offense.”

RUXIN: “Classic Forte burn.”

KEVIN [to Taco]: “Hey, Vincent Van Slow, what are you drawing over there?”

RAFI: “Hey, do you still have those  butt plugs  with Bert and Ernie’s face on them?”
KEVIN: “Those were my daughter’s tubby toys…”
RAFI: “She should not play with those. Those should be burned.”

RAFI: “Is he from Super Mario Bros.? Because, if it was on me, I would have picked up Luigi.”

RUXIN: “Andre? Oh, no, that human kumquat’s got my team.”

PETE: “…it is decided!”

PETE: “It’s an honor. It’s a Dre-peat!”

KEVIN: “Oh, where did this platypus get a boat?”

TACO: “This whole league is tarnished. We need burn it, bury it, and start clean just like Pete did with his wife.”

RAFI: “You sure it’s not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.”

RUXIN: “You can take my draft pick…but you can never take my Shiva! This season never happened!”

KEVIN: “Any asshole can be a father. I want to be a champion!”

TACO: “My brother’s such an idiot.”

Images thanks to the wonderful work of  RAFI BOMB!

Ruxin Meme Generator: Stroke Face Unlocked

The League S03E12: St. Pete commits Shivacide, Ruxin commits Strokicide

Whether it’s karma or the careful plotting of the rest of the league, Ruxin’s had a string of bad luck ever since he brought home the championship last season. He hits rock bottom in this, the last episode before the season finale.

Ruxin-meme-generator-stroke-face-unlocked-74b1f7

It’s easy to say he had it coming. I mean, he ended last season with a “Suck it!” to the entire league and a reign of terror that darkened the skies of Chicago. Now, as his champion season comes an end, Ruxin’s been beat down, abused, and put in his place more than once.

With Pete and Ruxin both one loss away from playing in the Sacko Bowl, Pete hatches a noble scheme to bring an end to the guilt and suspicion they’ve had to deal with all season.

Pete decides to commit “Shivacide.”

If Pete loses, it doesn’t matter whether Ruxin wins or not. The two of them, due to tiebreakers, will have the two lowest records in the league, and Pete is confident he’ll best Ruxin in Week 16, assuring Ruxin will take home the Sacko.

From first to worst. The perfect end to Ruxin’s reign of terror.

While Kevin protests at first, such a selfless gesture cannot be ignored. After all, Kevin’s full of guilt about allowing the league to change the draft order after they drew Ruxin’s name first. So he agrees to allow “St. Pete” to make the great sacrifice for the good of the league.

But allowing this further transgression against Ruxin doesn’t clear Kevin’s conscience. After meeting with Pete, he decides to simulate an alternate league scenario based on the original draft order — a parallel universe where fairness mattered.

Much to his excitement, when the calculations are done, Kevin still would have made the playoffs with the original, correct draft order. This must just be his season, outside of that small incident last week.

But now that he knows the truth, Kevin’s put everyone at risk by creating evidence that the league colluded against Ruxin, a secret they’ve successfully hidden the entire season. At Pete’s urging, Kevin agrees that his notes on the alternate league scenario must be destroyed…as soon as they find them.

Not to be distracted from his distractions by fantasy football, Taco’s moving forward with his plans for Taco Corp. And by moving forward, I mean he’s actually making it a “Corp.” by incorporating it.

To do so, he needs Ruxin’s help, which Ruxin’s not very willing to provide until he sees that Taco has first priority on the waiver wire.

Knowing he could assure himself the chance to grab Felix Jones as long as Taco doesn’t put in a claim, Ruxin changes his tune and assumes his role as lawyer and longtime consigliere of Taco and Taco Corp. to go “business dinnering” with Taco at Obscura, the new downtown restaurant in complete darkness.

As if gropers needed a more accommodating setting.

The darkness of Obscura works in Pete and Kevin’s favor as they don night vision goggles in search of Kevin’s misplaced alternate league notes in the briefcase Taco stole for “business dinnering.”

They get in and out of Obscura without getting caught by Taco, Ruxin, or the blind host with a supernatural sense of smell, but the briefcase is full of nothing but Taco’s peppermints.

The search continues…

To liven things up in their playoff matchup, Kevin and Jenny decide to make a wager, and Kevin sets the terms — he wants to make another baby with Jenny if he wins. Can’t say that’s what I would have gone with.

Andre, fighting to stay relevant in his Sacko season, decides now is a good time to campaign to be everyone’s ICE, or emergency contact.

Alas, most of the league would rather Doak, the homeless guy who answers any walkie-talkie call on channel 6, be their emergency contact than admit on record that they’re that close to Andre.

Andre forces his way into Pete’s phone. And, of course, Pete is happy to abuse it by calling Andre to pick him up at Kevin’s house, fetch him beers, and worse until he sees fit to trade Andre to Taco in a package with Jason Witten.

It’s after this trade that Andre finally gets a proper opportunity to reciprocate. Pulled over for texting while driving when he was, in fact, making a last minute waiver wire addition before kickoff, Andre discovers that cops only get angry when you persistently ask them to help you decide whether to start Jabar Gaffney or Lance Moore.

With his car impounded, Andre’s forced to call Pete, who refers him to Taco, but Taco’s no help. He arrives via a ride from a girl he doesn’t even know with no money and no transportation to Pete’s house. So they walk.

On the plus side, Jason Witten gives Taco the points he needs to advance to the Shiva Bowl.

At Pete’s house, Ruxin arrives to learn that Pete is losing his matchup with only Mike Tolbert, the vulture, left to play. But the vulture is sick…and he hasn’t been seen since the first drive of the game. Kevin’s “sick vulture” sound is too much for Ruxin to take, and he runs away in tears.

But out of his anger, the evil rises.

Ruxin suspects that there must have been some sort of collusion going on for him to have failed so miserably. When Ruxin storms off to Ellie’s room and, in Ellie’s words, starts “being a real dick” to her frog, Ellie gives Ruxin several new reasons to flip the switch back to his dark side.

First, she hands him Kevin’s “hair pills,” also known as Propecia, and explains that he takes them everyday.

And second, she reveals her latest school project, a presentation board explaining why her daddy, Kevin, is her hero. On that board, she’s pasted the alternate league draft order and the playoff results Kevin calculated.

It’s hard to disagree with Kevin: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”

With only minutes left in the last NFL game of the week and with Taco already a lock for the Shiva Bowl, Jenny has the lead over Kevin. It looks like it’s going to be Jenny facing Taco for the championship.

But as luck would have it, just as Kevin looks away to catch Jenny, falling off a ladder while decorating the tree, the Ravens D/ST gets an interception and takes it back to the house for a pick-six.

The point swing sends Kevin to the Shiva Bowl, and he Shiva Blasts after telling Jenny to “Suck it!” like a true gentleman.

His celebration, however, is short-lived.

Armed with Ellie’s project, clearly showing the treachery that the league committed against him to start the year, Ruxin will take no excuses. Ranting about how the entire season is null and void, he storms off spouting gibberish, eventually collapsing in the snow outside of Kevin’s house while trying to talk to Sofia on the phone, who just assumes it’s another dropped call.

His frozen Ruxin face suggests stroke. He’s barely even strong enough to resist mouth-to-mouth from Andre.

Is Ruxin…dead? Should we celebrate or cry?

In Memoriam

Memorable quotes from Episode 12:

JENNY: “Did you just check the TV? While I’m choking?”
KEVIN: “No, I, you know…there was just a little ticker at the bottom about LeGarrette Blount.”

KEVIN: “So strong when you’re angry.”

RUXIN: “The app I want for my phone is ‘Phone.'”

ANDRE [on dropped calls]: “All of a sudden everyone becomes a cell phone Columbo.”

ANDRE: “You blew up the house…”
KEVIN: “You should call you ICE!”
ANDRE: “I don’t have one.”

PETE: “I’ve decided to commit Shivacide.”

KEVIN: “Saint Peter.”
PETE: “Bless you, my son.”
KEVIN: “Lunch?”

PETE: “Andre, you accepted your own Facebook invitation to me?”
ANDRE: “Yes, it was sitting there for ages.”
PETE: “No, seven years.”

TACO: “…you remind me of a young me.”
RUXIN: “You’re younger than me.”

RUXIN [to Taco]: “It’s like talking to a block of marble.”

TACO: “The crotchal region is not flattering, but it’s accurate.”
KEVIN: “It’s inappropriate, is what it is.”
TACO: “Are you upset about the bend? Look, that’s a MacArthur family tradition.”
KEVIN: “No, it’s a lilt, first of all.”
ANDRE: “Whoa! That’s a bend. Anything past 19 degrees is a bend. I can fix that if you want.”
KEVIN: “No.”
ANDRE: “Technically, that’s a medical emergency.”
KEVIN: “You are never touching my dick again.”
ANDRE: “You give me the sign, I’ll do it at night.”

TACO: “I gave it an extra inch…because it’s about hero worship, right?”

TACO: “Yeah, dicks: Great at drawing them. Balls: Not so much. Faces: Not at all.”
KEVIN: “Why don’t you just concentrate a little more on faces?”
TACO: “I still have a lot of work to do on dicks. But then again, I’m my harshest critic.”

TACO: “Last week, I business dinnered with Doak.”
RUXIN: “Taco, business dinner is not a verb.”
TACO: “Yes it is. Like ‘moonwalk’ or ‘karate'”

RUXIN: “I can pay, Taco. ‘Cause you’re basically a homeless person.”

TACO: “No, no, no,  I’m used to being in the dark.”

COP: “Jabar sounds like a wizard to me.”

RUXIN: “If I keep making this finger, you think it’ll freeze this way, too.”

TACO: “I made a Cheerio fart.”

RUXIN: “Propecia? Is that why his hair goes halfway down his forehead like teen wolf?”

RUXIN: “Your daddy’s your hero? … You should aim higher like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.”

KEVIN: “You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife’s name on it or as a bong in my attic.”

KEVIN: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”

TACO: “I think we’re supposed to pee on him…Might not help, but it can’t hurt.”

The League S03E11: The Guest Bong takes Taco TO THE CLOUD!

Pete’s general lack of ambition and disheveled appearance certainly don’t hinder his ability with the ladies. His prowess is best displayed in his uncanny ability to “outkick his coverage” with each girl he brings around. Danielle, his latest catch, is just another example of his ability to go above and beyond. Kudos to him.

But she’s no Jenny.

As the league goes into the final week of the regular season, Ruxin’s in full gloat mode and laying into the entire league with video trash-talking rants on the league boards.

Can’t say that I blame him. Any champion would be doing the same if they were still on the outside looking in. You have to put up a strong front. Plus…he’s playing Andre.

Unfortunately, one of his more grotesque videos gets intercepted by the human resources department at his office, which gets him banned from using his company email to communicate with the league.

Stepping away from the plot for a second, I’m surprised Ruxin was able to get away with it for as long as he has. I don’t know anyone — anyone still in a fantasy league at least — who uses their work email as the official email for their fantasy football league. Do you? [Please comment below if you do]

Using your work email account for trash-talking and general league debauchery is just asking to be flagged by HR…or IT…or Homeland Security.

You can check your scores on the company computers (just as any good addict would), but I would advise you to never, NEVER use your work email address for fantasy football.

Without his trusty work email address, Ruxin’s forced to revive his old Hotmail account, which, as Pete aptly points out, is “the official email of foreigners and poor people.” I will be stealing that joke for all future conversations involving Hotmail.

And Ruxin’s change of email provider ends up causing Andre grief when Ruxin accidentally adds Andre’s cleaning lady, Andrea, to an email string in place of Andre — an email string that contains at least one picture of “Alan” (autocorrect speak for…well, you know).

Seeing the horror that Andre’s friends are capable of, Andrea rightfully no longer wants to enter his apartment. She is kind enough to give him one last chance to redeem himself: coming to her community theater performance of “A Christmas Carol.”

While the rest of the league is wrapped up in league activities, Kevin’s been reunited with one of the men he put behind bars, Gavin. Kevin’s daughter, Ellie, just happens to befriend the ex-con’s daughter, Chloe, in her gym class.

To make matters worse, it’s not just any ex-con. Kevin was laughing hysterical at an autocorrect mistake in a text from Jenny when Gavin was escorted past him and into a scenic two-year stay in prison.

So Kevin’s going to die…

Taco, meanwhile, is forced to find a new “guest bong” for Kevin’s house when the MacArthurs clean out their attic, destroying the former guest bong — a guest bong, of course, being the bong that you keep at a friend’s house to get high when you visit.

So Taco chooses, of all items, the gun that Kevin just bought to protect himself from the sure-to-happen retaliatory attack from his new gym class friend Gavin.

Looking past his autocorrect “Alan Six” forwardness, Pete seems to be doing well with Danielle. She’s eager to get to know his friends. She wants to take an interest in what he does.

When she catches him setting his lineup for the final week’s games, she can’t help but make it a couple skate.

But in “helping” Pete set his lineup, Danielle takes a stand against starting Michael Vick, who will never be able to escape his transgressions against puppies in the public eye. This led to one of the more priceless moments of the episode when Danielle asked Pete if his other quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, had ever done anything wrongNoNEVER.

Oh, and somewhere in there, Andre started dressing as various British caricatures, rhyming, and changed his team name to the “James Bo-Andres.”

As one might predict, Pete’s lineup, without Michael Vick, fails miserably, much to Danielle’s misunderstanding.

Andre drags Ruxin to the community theater performance so that neither of them can watch the results of their showdown on Monday night, and when Ruxin’s team loses by just one point, he blows up in a Ruxin fit just as the actors take their bow, once again running into his friend in human resources.

And without Jenny to keep him stable, Kevin receives an autocorrected text from Gavin that was supposed to say “Bringing in Chloe’s fuzzy” but instead read “coming in with chloroform.”

The text snaps Kevin into full “I will protect this house!” mode, but his gun is missing — Guest bonged!

After a string of 911 calls prove worthless to both Kevin (hiding in his Harry Potter panic room under the stairs) and Gavin (squirming around inside Kevin’s bathroom), Taco soon saves the day by chasing both Gavin and Kevin out of the house while high as a kite inside the Mr. McGibblets outfit.

Memorable quotes from Episode 11:

TACO: “I thought the season was over.”

KEVIN: “Daddy’s doing adult talk.”

RUXIN: “Andre, I’m going to take my hand, stick it inside of you, and then open it like a baseball mit.”

PETE: “I can’t tell what’s funnier. Is it that you chose ‘theRuxster’? Or is it that you have an actual Hotmail account, the official email of foreigners and poor people.”

PETE [introducing Andre]: “This is The Legend of Bagger Vance.”

KEVIN: “A little early for Alan conversation, wouldn’t you say?”
RUXIN: “I usually don’t propose that until a bottle of wine and a warm bath.”

GAVIN [on prison]: “It was…kinda…rapey.”

KEVIN: “That went poorly.”

PETE: “So that you can Plaxidentally shoot yourself in your own house?”

TACO: “We need to get drunk and go to the firing range, a.k.a. the field next to the highway.”

TACO: “I like it here. There’s Internet…and HEAT.”

ANDRE: “Taco, mind yourself on the apples and pears!”

ANDRE: “Next time you want to stick something in me, text me.”

TACO: “I just wish I could walk around in a cloud of it all day long. TO THE CLOUD! Like Microsoft.”

PETE: “This is like fifth base for me. This is like the equivalent of male Alan.”

DANIELLE: “Ben Roethlisberger. Has he ever done anything wrong?”
PETE: “…NEVER. He is a good man.”

PETE: “I literally feel like I’ve just been deflowered.”
DANIELLE: “Well, you’ll cry the first time, but every time after that it’ll be a little less painful.”

TACO: “My players are killing it. Lawrence Fitzgerald…Raymond Rice…and Came Newtown.”

TACO: “TO THE CLOUD!”

PETE: “Easy, Jason Statham.”

KEVIN: “How many loads can you transport at one time?”
ANDRE: “As many as humanly possible.”
JENNY: “Do you take the whole load all at once?”
ANDRE: “That’s right. I take the load, hold it inside me, and I don’t let it out.”
DANIELLE: “Wow, like big loads?”
ANDRE: “I love big loads.”
RUXIN: “Do you take a lady’s load?”
ANDRE: “I’ll take a lady’s load, but a prefer a man’s load.”
KEVIN: “Yeah.”

DANIELLE: “Did you guys just figure this out right now?”
JENNY: “No, this is called shit-talking…and you catch on very quickly.”

KEVIN [on Jenny]: “She is not a girl, Pete.”

RUXIN: “I don’t want to see amateur theatre. It’s just a bunch of fat girls dealing with their complicated issues with dudes who are still in the closet.”

ANDRE: “James Bo-Andres are in the playoffs. License to win.”

RUXIN: “No, your son’s acting killed Christmas.”

KEVIN: “Nothing explodes in your vag.”

Ruxin's Shiva Blast in The Light of Genesis

The League S03E10: The Light of Genesis be with you, praise be

Ruxin is an evil soul, but even those most evil of forces cannot be denied salvation.

Ruxin with The Oracle

Ruxin finds it himself and a possible deliverance from fantasy suffering when a chance encounter with the brethren of The Light of Genesis, arranged by Pete as part of a prank war between he and Ruxin, exposes him to their incredible wealth of fantasy knowledge and sources.

Much like “The Oracle” from Season 1, all those untouched by the forces of sin and women make the best fantasy football gurus. As such, the cult is a hive mind of oracles that has matured and learned from mistakes for years — all to aid Ruxin in setting the perfect fantasy lineup.

Who needs “lineup nirvana” when you have a cult on your side?

It’s been several episodes since we’ve gotten an update on how everyone’s fantasy football team was doing this season. Given his lineup nirvana problems, we can only assume Ruxin was doing poorly at the beginning of the season, but it seems he’s back on track, especially with his new cult friends in play.

If  you need further confirmation, Jenny does worry in this episode that they’ll have another year of the reign of Ruxin.

But Jenny’s real problem is her need at running back. When Kevin won’t give her a running back in exchange for bacon, she gets creative and plots her way into a great trade. Her Plan B involves a temporary tattoo and a very easy to manipulate Andre into betraying her.

Andre, even more gullible than usual, falls for the entire ruse without suspecting a thing (so ye be warned, these are the tricky ways of women, brothers) and hands over both Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy for a chance — just a chance — to salvage his friendship with Jenny.

Over-analyzing the reality of this for just a second, I don’t see how this trade would ever get league approval, even in a league in which only the commish had veto power. It doesn’t look like Jenny even offers Andre any players in return, and McCoy is the No. 1 running back in fantasy this season.

But let’s not get too into the nitty-gritty. This is, after all, a comedy.

So the trade works, and Jenny gets exactly what she needed to save her chances for a shot at the Shiva. She might have just become the No. 1 contender with McCoy falling into her lap — or should I say pleasure chest?

Kevin attacks Eliza Dushku from behind

While his competitors focus on their fantasy rosters this week, Kevin’s distracted because he suspects his Krav Maga instructor, played by Eliza Dushku, is hitting on him in class.

His first clue might have been the forced breast palming she leads him into while using him as the class volunteer, but the hand jibber she gives him while demonstrating the “lever” confirms it.

True Krav Maga looks far more intense and lot less like third base. Also, this.

Unfortunately, Kevin can’t convince anyone else in the league, not even Jenny, that the attraction is real.

He even begins to doubt her advances are real himself, until a mugger attacks Kevin and his teacher after class, and Kevin demonstrates the “lever” his teacher used on him on the mugger to no avail.

His Krav Maga teacher admits she was hitting on him, but no one law-abiding was there to see it. A tree falling in the forest makes no sound.

With Ruxin determined to join the brethren of The Light of Genesis in order to abuse their fantasy knowledge, the entire gang gets together to stop and/or save Ruxin from becoming one of the fantasy enlightened.

They all manage to get inside the temple and get prime seats for Ruxin’s “baptism” into the cult. But Ruxin will not be swayed from the path. At least, not at first.

When one of the prerequisites for membership read during his baptism states that Ruxin must forsake all other leagues outside of The Light of the Genesis, Ruxin breaks and Shiva Blasts his way out of there.

He even gets a little evil Ruxin eye bulge in for good measure during his Shiva Blast.

Ruxin's Shiva Blast in The Light of Genesis

No one wants to restrict themselves to just one fantasy football league, especially when that one league is composed of guys who don’t drink or touch women.

What are those message boards like? And how sad is that draft day? Do you, at least, get to nap between picks?

So life in the league should continue as usual with Ruxin returning to the one true league, the league of Shiva.

Not to be too distracted with rescuing a friend, Taco manages to launch another business idea — possibly his best one yet — when he stumbles upon a lifetime supply of ties at The Light of Genesis temple to “obtain” as inventory for Neckflix, the Netflix for ties.

We’ll have to see how long this business lasts, but on the plus side, someone’s already registered the domain name.

But did they Taco Mark it?

Memorable quotes from Episode 10:

TACO: “Yeah, it’s Krav Maga. I’ve taken classes before. You do all that stuff, and then they blow you in the bathroom.”
KEVIN: “No, no, there’s no blow jobs.”
TACO: “No, you’re not doing Krav Maga.”

RUXIN: “That’s bump and run. That’s bump and run. Enjoy the sport.”

TACO: “It’s sex with someone else. That has nothing to do with Jenny.”

RUXIN: “I feel like regular donkey talk is too broad of a topic.”

TACO: “Neckflix — Netflix…but for neckties”

TACO: “What about the live rocking horse? Thirty dollars of wood, a hammer, and some nails turns that useless horse into a beloved children’s toy.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [on when Pettigrew gets hurt]: “Oh, just this morn, but Tony Scheffler will heed the call.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS JULIAN [on fantasy football]: “It’s our one clean vice. Praise be.”

JENNY [on Kevin’s “lot to offer”]: “Which is the problem…So you go to that class and get less fat.”

ANDRE: “You want to get this Little Miss ‘A’ Cup into a ‘C’ Cup. Am I right?”

ANDRE: “How much was this in use if you needed to advertise it as a location stop on your body…?”

KEVIN [to Pete after Krav Maga K.O.]: “Knocked your ass OUT, son!”

RUXIN: “So what exactly constitutes a stroke? Like, are we talking like when you’re sitting in the couch and you do a lift and separate?”
KEVIN: “Oh, no. That’s a classic rerack — that’s involuntary.”

PETE: “Is that what we think Krav Maga is? The old Israeli art of hand jibber to hand jibber combat?”

RUXIN [on Andre’s secret]: “Oooh, I know — Andre in a woman’s vagina!”

RUXIN: “And as the Lord turns his all-seeing eye onto the Carolina’s backfield this week, do you think it’s praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be DeAngelo Williams?”

TACO: “See ya, weird guys!”

RUXIN: “Yeah, I think they’re beyond salvation just like the 49ers defense! Hehe…Seriously, what’s going on with 49ers defense?”

KEVIN [to Ruxin]: “You look like a guy that gets beat up by the Mormons.”

RUXIN: “My brothers are God’s fantasy warriors.”

RUXIN: “Cult is such a pejorative term like ‘creep’ or ‘Andre.'”

TACO: “Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer Ruxin to write this down…”

TACO: “There is no higher power than Taco Corp.”

RUXIN: “Peace be with you, my brothers, and also with backup Buffalo running back C.J. Spiller.”

JENNY: “I am hurt. I am betrayed. I want Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [to Julian]: “I like how you watch over me when I dream, and I like the tiny shoulders that surround your head.”

PETE: “I’ll pinky on that.”

TACO: “I’ll just finger myself, thank you.”

TACO: “Thank you, Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and to a lesser extent, Mike Rutherford. I forgive you guys for We Can’t Dance.”

RUXIN [to Light of Genesis Gabriel during baptism]: “You have hair like a lady.”

RUXIN: “I am in one cult, and it is the cult of Shiva. And I’m the Grand Poobah of that mutha!”

KEVIN [while uncomfortable around his Krav Maga teacher]: “I sweat a lot. I mean, not just in class, but like, right now. When I get home, sometimes I’m so tired, I won’t even shower. I just lay in my own filth.”

KEVIN: “How are you supposed to drive two cars?”

KEVIN: “I’m just gonna go back to Zumba at the Y. It’s more my speed. But thank so much for all the material for my yank bank.”

Ruxin and The Oracle image via fuckyeahtheleague.tumblr.com

Pete on Coke

The League S03E09: “The Out of Towner” on Cocaine

Since The League first aired, I’ve always been curious what life was like for the out-of-town league members while Ruxin, Pete, Kevin, Jenny, Taco, and Andre trash-talk and prank each other in Chicago. In “The Out of Towner,” we finally got a chance to peel back the curtain and meet Chuck, one of the nameless league members we’ve never seen before.

Chuck, played by Will Forte, used to be the party guy in college, the one who would whip out his junk and “sit in gum” at the drop of a hat. In Pete’s mind, he’s still the greatest wingman to ever walk the earth, the Goose to Pete’s Maverick.

But much like Goose, the old Chuck is dead. He crashed and burned, riding a wave of alcohol-fueled debauchery that forced him to leave the city to what we can only assume is suburbia hell.

Chuck’s clean and sober now. So when he arrives to meet the league members he left behind at the bar, they have a hard time adjusting to Chuck without the “Two-nut Chuck” soul he used to have.

I think part of growing up is acknowledging that people change. Your friends won’t always be the same guy they were in college. People get white pubes. They have kids. They adapt.

I’m not old enough to have had more than a small handful of these encounters with friends from high school and college, so I can’t speak with much experience. But I am old enough to know that The League isn’t mature enough to just accept one of its brethren as a sober member of society.

Rather than move on with Chuck as the sober bro, the league member host an intervention, during which Kevin demonstrates how happy beer makes him. That was entertaining.

But Chuck resists, leaving Pete disappointed and still without a decent wingman.

Ruxin’s a little out of it throughout the entire episode tonight. Right off the top, he injures his hamstring picking up canned fruit from Taco’s apartment and starts abusing pain killers he illegally obtained with one of Andre’s prescription pads to cope.

So rather than the sarcastic, one-step-ahead Ruxin we’re used to seeing, Ruxin is the childish party dude with no filter. It wasn’t a radical departure, but it made for some great entertainment (and even better one-liners than I’m used to hearing out of Ruxin).

It’s also keeping in line with this season’s exploration of the destruction of Ruxin, even though he did get just a small part of the bad luck this week as the league dragged everyone down with them.Taco is not pretty during Taco Lent

Taco’s and Ruxin’s stories are a little intertwined from the start this week. Taco has his own thing going on celebrating “Taco Lent,” a month of giving up anything natural, but before injuring himself, Ruxin witnesses Taco’s landlord evicting Taco for his late rent and horrible smells. To prevent him from moving into Ruxin’s house with Sofia and Baby Geoffrey, Ruxin snaps into “Shark Ruxin,” a lawyer-fied persona of Ruxin who hums the theme song from Jaws.

Ruxin concocts the perfect countermeasure (windows painted shut as a violation of Taco’s renter rights), but when he arrives to help Taco make his case against his landlord, he blows in corndog in hand and high on pain meds. Thus, he’s unable to string together a coherent thought and much more interested in beatboxing a corndog techno song and dance with the landlord instead.

I guess we’ll see Taco move in with Ruxin in the next episode.

To tie up all the loose ends on Chuck’s visit, the male league members all gather together at Andre’s for a Monday Night Football party embracing his newest urban and chill obsession, mixology.

Chuck arrives, sans fiancée, to apologize for trying to push his sobriety on the group, and they, in turn, reluctantly concede that they won’t be able to get him to drink.

But, fortunately, we don’t give up on “Two-nut Chuck” that easy. Kevin and Jenny provide the perfect happy accident to knock Chuck off the wagon.

Bored with their suburban life, Kevin and Jenny have attempted to buy weed (VHS, in dealer-speak) but they end up with cocaine instead (DVD, in dealer-speak) because they couldn’t understand Taco’s drug dealer’s menu.

As an aside here, isn’t Kevin an assistant district attorney? Would a drug dealer really come to his house and then strong-arm him into buying coke? I guess I might be trying to force reality into a place it doesn’t belong. I do watch a lot of Law & Order.

Kevin stashes the coke in a drawer of Andre’s kitchen until the drug dealer arrives to make an exchange, but Andre mistakes that bag for confectioner’s sugar (powdered sugar for the uninitiated) and uses it to rim the glasses on his mixed drinks.

Pete on CokeThe result: The League on crack, er…coke.

Andre’s party turns into insanity. Chuck falls off the wagon in a big way, and everyone realizes just in time to watch Chuck “sit in gum” on Ruxin’s head, leading to one of the more priceless quotes of Ruxin’s night.

All in all, I have to say I enjoyed this visit from an outsider. Being a long-distance member of a hometown league is never fun, but I do understand the realities that force such league relationships to occur.

Hopefully, those of you out there who do play fantasy football can stay close together and always, at the very least, have a live draft because you don’t need cocaine to enjoy one of those.

Memorable quotes from Episode 9:

PETE: “My dry spell is all your fault…[to Taco] This guy is like a street sweeper — he just cleans up any prospects I had and takes them in the bathroom and stuffs them.”
TACO: “Hey, I can lead a horse to the water, but I can’t make the water not want to have sex with me, okay?”

PETE [to Andre]: “You look like a Deadwood character at a Justin Bieber concert.”

TACO: “Until next week, it’s nothing but blow up dolls and tube socks.”

NADIA [Taco’s Landlord]: “It’s like the sky, but no clouds. That is what you are like.”

RUXIN: “Just got to do a little Shark Ruxin in here…”

KEVIN: “These sweatpants make my junk feel so good. It feels like two angels are just holding my balls ever so gently while my trunk is just being refreshed by a river of feathers.”

RUXIN: “If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.”

PETE: “I love Painkiller Ruxin.”

CHUCK: “I had to go get a new job because I had pulled my balls out and showed my boss.”

KEVIN: “Ping pong’s for fat kids at summer camp.”

CHUCK: “I got blue gum just thinking about how bad I want to sit in gum for you.”

CHUCK: “Winners drink water.”

PETE: “Honestly, Chuck, I think you have a sobriety problem.”

PETE: “Maybe you’re just addicted to showing your junk.”

RUXIN: “You know Chinese kids will let you play kickball with ‘em!?”

TACO: “Oh, man, none of my friends can handle drugs.”

RUXIN: “Corndog. Corndog. Corndog. Corndog. Corndog.”

RUXIN [on Andre’s use of “jigger”]: “Hey, I know it’s the 1920s, but you still need to whisper that word.”

RUXIN [on Andre’s outfit]: “Somewhere there’s a riverboat missing a casino dealer.”

CHUCK: “Staying clean never tasted so great. Barkeep, I’ll have another!”

ANDRE: “I’m faster than I’ve ever been before!”

PETE: “Why is my face on fire?”

ANDRE: “I’m like the drummer in Def Leopard, but I have both arms!”

TACO: “No, no, no, no. I’m on aspartame, sucralose, and hairspray.”

TACO [to Kevin on his death bed]: “I’m gonna raise Ellie for you, and when I have sex with Jenny, I promise, I PROMISE YOU…I’m not going to wear a condom.”

CHUCK: “Two-nut Chuck is back, and he wants some coke!”

RUXIN [while Chuck sits in gum on his head]: “It feels like I’m wearing a tiny hat.”

The League S03E08: Thanksgiving brings family together (for tur-guinea)

Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman?! It truly is a time for Thanksgiving. And this year, we give thanks for awkward family reunions (and guinea pigs).

To celebrate the season, Ellie volunteered to take care of the class guinea pig over the Thanksgiving break. Personally, I think it’s never a good idea for a kid to take care of the class pet over the holidays. All too often, it results in two scenarios:

  1. The class pet dies, either of natural causes or the home environment
  2. The kid who takes care of the pet likes it so much that they want to keep it or get another pet of their own to replace it when it’s gone.

It’s lose-lose, in my opinion, but that’s what Kevin and Jenny are in for when Ellie volunteers to take care of Shakespeare.

In anticipation of the holiday season, the league has all made a “fat bet,” a competition based upon how much weight they can lose before Turkey Day and how much they exercise. Included in the bet, any man who doesn’t exercise for at least 30 minutes each day pays $50 into the pot.

That’s probably one of the most ambitious challenges I’ve heard of for a holiday. I hope none of my friends every propose that idea.

Ruxin’s been dominating the competition thus far (although as with many things Ruxin, all does not seem to be fair in this competition). But he falls down to earth a bit when, instead of having the house to himself for his “house hotel” the week of Thanksgiving, Ruxin ends up running into his dad, who was also trying to get out of spending the holidays with family.

Together, the two holiday bachelors decide to spend Thanksgiving together, but each admits they were planning on doing it their way. And they do.

So Ruxin’s dad (who also goes by Ruxin rather than Rupert but, for the sake of clarity, will be called Rupert) runs every morning with Ruxin’s “fat bet” pedometer while Ruxin spares no lotion in choking the chicken while the missus is away.

There’s something about Jeff Goldblum talking about the realities of the human spirit and our desire to watch porn on the big screen TV (Full volume!) that just warms the heart. Don’t you agree?

The gang also gets a visit from Andre’s older sister, Heather (Sarah Silverman), who taught all of them (and by proxy, Andre) everything they know about sex. Her presence and voice-inside-the-ear on Andre about all the things the guys make fun of him for leaves him feeling out-of-place during the Thanksgiving festivities.

In another bid to make a fortune, Taco has invested in a white truffle. Despite Taco’s best efforts, not even Andre will pay him more than his costs, regardless of how many “business lessons” he tries to share.

By meal time, the league members have gathered together, Ruxin’s dad and Heather in tow, to celebrate Thanksgiving at the MacArthur house. After the fat bet weigh-in and totals are finalized, which Ruxin wins easily thanks to his father’s running, they all settle down to eat, but not before Pete gets approached by Heather.

While Pete explains his need for food before he satisfies Heather, they accidentally bump Shakespeare’s cage, freeing the guinea pig to roam. By the time Kevin and Jenny come by to feed him, the creature’s long gone, taking Taco’s white truffle with him. (Who puts a truffle in a playroom?)

Resolving to go on like nothing has happened, Jenny serves dinner, and it goes off without a hitch — well, other than a palette cleanse turned lesson in female fellatio lesson — up until it’s time for turkey, which turns out to be a tur-guinea. (Don’t worry! They found Shakespeare.)

As everyone flees the dining room in an attempt to cleans themselves of the guinea pig they’ve just consumed, Ruxin, Andre, and Taco come face to face with Ruxin’s father Rupert’s vinegar strokes when they discover him balls deep in Heather, who couldn’t wait any longer for Pete.

Talk about families coming together, right?

Memorable quotes from Episode 8:

KEVIN: “He’s vermin.”

KEVIN: “Near the food? Good God, woman, that’s how the plague started.”

RUXIN [on Kevin’s “eater high”]: “You mean diabetes?”

RUXIN: “I’m going to have my house to myself, where I can roll around my house like an anonymous man in a hotel room.”

RUXIN: “I’ve been collecting those hotel-sized moisturizer bottles just getting ready.”

RUXIN: “Why would I use Noxzema?”
ANDRE: “‘Cause it’s cold and tingly like a girl’s vagina.”

RUXIN: “It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here. Congratulations on that.”

KEVIN [to Andre]: “Did you meet him on Craigslist or are his intentions honorable?”

RUXIN: “Andre, and I say this fondly, your sister was such an unrelenting slutbag.”

RUXIN: “I’m pretty sure the facials were going towards her, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Think I’m gonna do about 5 miles today.”

RUPERT: “Well, look at you, you little homunculus. Without any pants. No shoes. Like a man who’s just fled from a carnival. You know, you look a bit pale. Some would say pasty. I say like a freshly peeled apple.”

RUPERT: “Continue with this homoerotic competition talk. It’s more than delightful.”

ANDRE: “You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.”

ANDRE: “…That’s why mescal never tasted the same.”

RUXIN: “Full disclosure? We’re both adults. I was here to watch the Playboy Channel.”
RUPERT: “Bullshit.”
RUXIN: “I was gonna watch something filthier. Not on my laptop. Everything is at your fingers on a laptop, but no, you wanna watch it…”
RUPERT: “On a TV! Full volume!”
RUXIN: “Full volume! Not hidden away like Anne Frank in the attic whispering, you know.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, he’s running so much he’s now walking funny.”

KEVIN: “Here’s the church. Here’s the steeple. Open the doors, and just eat all the people.”
HEATHER: “Nose, nose, nose…”

TACO: “Yeah, we were playing Sister Invader.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, Seven Minutes in Heather.”

HEATHER: “He was taught by the best, this guy.”

JENNY: “…No, we don’t go to church.”

PETE: “We do have a quorum.”
KEVIN: “Never…again.”

HEATHER: “No, they’re shit-talking. You’re shit-taking.”

RUXIN: “Bro, it’s all muscle.”

ANDRE: “No, it’s called a belly band.”

RUXIN: “Hehe. Postpartum girdle!”

HEATHER: “Go tide yourself over. I’ll meet you in 8 minutes. We’ll ‘go to the bathroom,’ but really, you’ll lick my vagina.”

KEVIN: “And I want to take you to church. I just get confused. Sometimes I pull up, and I’m sweaty already. I’m not exactly sure which door to go into, alright?”

KEVIN: “Look, there’s truffle shavings. He dragged it out like a lion ripping out a gazelle. If we were a restaurant, they would shut us down. They would give us a D…”

KEVIN: “Like Helen Keller!”

TACO: “That’s why I had sex with her yesterday…I hate sexual tension.”

JENNY: “You just gently take a little lick…Cleanse your palette.”

HEATHER: “Kevin, just let the sorbet know you’re there with the heat of your breath.”

TACO: “I don’t really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.”

KEVIN: “I’m never going to be able to eat sorbet like that.”

RUXIN: “I feel like I’m watching my own birth.”

ANDRE: “Can we get a palette cleanser for our palette cleanser?”

RUXIN: “You fed us goddamn guinea pig like some Peruvian street urchin?!”

JENNY: “It’s a tur-guinea!”

ANDRE: “I just saw your dad’s vinegar strokes.”
TACO: “I saw into his soul. Not good.”

I just might have to change my fantasy football team name to “The Twilight: Breaking Dawn-dres.” Thoughts?

Kevin's zipper fairies are dead

The League S03E07: Carmenjello kills zipper fairies

What have we not ruined of Ruxin’s yet? Sex life? So let’s get right on that by having his wife Sofia accuse him of “breast favoritism” and shut him down for the night.

But we’re not just picking on Ruxin this episode. Kevin’s got his own problems in the bedroom because Ellie’s room is under construction. Water damage has forced the MacArthurs to repaint in Ellie’s bedroom, and until it’s done, Kevin is best friends with a tube sock.

We get a reunion of sorts in “Carmenjello.” This week is the first episode in a long time to feature almost the entire The League family. We were just one Baby Geoffrey sighting away from the entire cast with both Ellie and Sofia back into the plot.

So far in Season 3, we haven’t seen much of the struggles of parenting in the MacArthur home. Other than her ruining of the Sukkah, Ellie hasn’t given us many touching moments like the Mr. McGibblets encounters of seasons past. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I find a lot of the Ellie storylines a little distracting.

But this episode gives us a great understanding of what it’s like to be a parent. No matter how occupied Kevin and Jenny think Ellie is, she always seems to get into something she’s not supposed to (like underwear stickers) or walk in on the two of them while they look for “zipper fairies.”

It’s difficult to think about nothing but fantasy football when you have a kid.

Apparently, we won’t find out how Ruxin’s career has been affected by his hidden illness in “Yobogoya!” But we do, at least, know he’s working on a new case, one that Mr. Hudabega referenced in the last episode — a paint company who had to recall cans because they were exploding.

Is it just me or does Ruxin seem to have the same defense for everything? Pay less than what you would expect for a given product? Well, then you should expect a product that will a) give you indigestion, b) explode, or c) kill you. Sure, it seems rock solid, but it’s getting repetitive. I never knew being a defense attorney could be so simple.

And clearly, Ruxin isn’t clipping any coupons.

Struggling with how to show Sofia he doesn’t favor one breast any more than the other, Ruxin goes to Andre, who has been the problem solver of choice as of late. The two decide the best solution might be making a statue of Sofia’s body to show her that he loves it, and, decision made, Ruxin hands over a picture that he just happens to keep in his suit jacket pocket at all times for “personal use” of Sofia topless. That’s handy.

When he’s not helping solve everyone’s problems, Andre’s making donations back to the gang’s high school, and the school has decided to honor Andre at a ceremony for an unknown new initiative. Dropping in on his alma mater, Andre asks the janitor for direction to the principal’s office, but he mistakes the janitor’s company name for the janitor’s own name and calls him “Carmenjello,” labeling himself as a racist for thinking all black people have unusual names.

Granted, the league members agree with his mistake. There are a lot of unique names in pop culture and especially the NFL — Jacquizz, Plaxico, Jermicheal, LaRod. But Carmenjello is still pretty out there. So Andre will have to make it up to Steve, the janitor, somehow in order to clear his conscience.

Meanwhile, recovering nicely from his plot of take over the world with the pee bib, Taco’s new investment opportunity is “forever stamps.” They never go down in value. Only up! It’s pure genius. Genius, I tell you. So Taco, ever the careful one, gives his collection of stamps to Kevin for safekeeping.

Ruxin’s problems soon turn into Andre’s problems when, returning to his office, Andre discovers he’s lost the photo of Sofia Ruxin gave him, and he’s not able to console Ruxin with an offer of a photo of Aunt Kiki. So picky, that Ruxin.

Instead, Andre distracts himself with trying to solve his racism problem. He takes Steve, the Carmenjello janitor, to the spa for a “peace summit” couples massage. He botches a few references to Affirmative Action in the process, but overall, he’s doing a great job of making up his accidental racism to Steve. He even asks Steve to look for the picture of Sofia that went missing.

But they happen to be at the spa the same time as Kevin, who takes an interest in Steve’s skin color. You see, he’s been searching for the perfect cinnamon paint color for Ellie’s room in order to get Ellie out of his hair and his bedroom. Steve’s skin tone just happens to be the perfect cinnamon blend, in Kevin’s eyes.

In an attempt to capture it in a photo, Kevin sneaks into the room with Andre and Steve to take a picture, but while he manages to stealthy massage Andre’s cossacks without getting caught, the iPhone camera shutter click tips Steve off (and ticks Steve off). So Steve — a little sensitive despite his ability to slot his own skin tone on the color wheel, no? — assumes he’s once again getting mocked and angrily explodes on both Kevin and Andre.

Andre’s chances at making amends to the janitor are ruined; nevertheless, Kevin now has a picture to model his paint mix after.

Against better judgement, Kevin sends Taco after the paint, but first, Taco must get some more forever stamps from Kevin’s house. There he finds Ellie decorating her mother’s underwear with his stamps because she mistakes them for “underwear stickers.” Rather than recover the stamps themselves, Taco just takes all of Jenny’s underwear because it wasn’t sexy anyway, at least in Taco’s opinion.

Since forever stamps aren’t exactly the universal currency Taco thought they were, Taco can only exchange Jenny’s underwear and stamps for recalled, exploding paint cans. But since Taco doesn’t notice such small details, he makes the purchase anyway without concern.

Back at Ruxin’s house, Sofia discovers Ruxin playing with the breast implant he took from Andre’s office as a stress ball. She feels he’s trying to suggest she get a boob job, when, in fact, he’s thinking quite the contrary. To convince her otherwise, Ruxin has to take her to see Andre, who’s being honored at the school that afternoon.

So the league ends up coming together for Andre’s dedication ceremony at the high school. It seems they’ve named him the mascot of sorts for their new abstinence program, much to his dismay. Andre awkwardly takes the stage to defend his honor, but no matter how graphic he gets, Andre’s monologue comes off more 40 Year Old Virgin than Eyes Wide Shut. You know, bag of sand?

Taco’s not done with his forever stamps campaign. Full of the giving spirit, he’s donated the last few pairs of her underwear to the abstinence cause, forever stamps and all.

Horrified by the sight of her underwear in a plastic cube, Jenny sends Kevin in to retrieve the underwear, but he’s too clumsy to pull it off and ends up knocking over the donation cube in front of the entire audience. So Jenny herself, in the chaos, is left to grab her own underwear and flee the scene.

Just as the event falls apart, Ruxin and Sofia arrive in search of Andre. They find him on his way out, and after discussing Ruxin’s decision to have a statue made, they notice a commotion around the high school hallway.

It seems the topless photo of Sofia Ruxin lost turned up at the high school, but Steve, the janitor Andre offended, chose to wax it into the floor rather than return it to the racist Andre.

The sight of her photo waxed into the floor sends Sofia off in a rage and Ruxin’s spank bank as a permanent fixture of the high school.

So he does what any desperate guy would do…

Ruxin snaps a photo of the picture in the floor on his phone and leaves the scene. At least he’ll have some way to remember it.

Back at the MacArthur home, Kevin and Jenny are finally ready to paint after Taco fetched the “Carmenjello” mix for them. But rather than get to work, they try to take a moment to themselves, which is soon ruined when one of the paint cans (remember, these are of the recalled variety) explodes, leaving a lovely silhouette of Jenny going after Kevin’s zipper fairies on the wall for Ellie to see.

Kevin's zipper fairies are dead

Memorable quotes from Episode 7:

RUXIN: “Are you accusing me of breast favoritism?”

RUXIN: “What if we tried like where you’re like a French courtesan from the 19th century who loves to give blow jibbers?”

RUXIN: “Annnnnnd scene.”

RUXIN: “It’s like a sexual Foxtrot.”

RUXIN: “Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.”

KEVIN: “Tell her that cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs. That’s it.”

JENNY: “I was looking for zipper fairies in daddy’s zipper.”

KEVIN: “Well, start packing your bags, fairies, because you guys are going home to a tube sock.”

RUXIN: “A stressplant? I like that. I don’t know why women don’t just grab onto their own whenever they’re stressed out.”

ANDRE: “Why do you have a topless photo of your wife in your jacket?”
RUXIN: “What? I’m not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks. So I need some material.”
ANDRE: “That’s like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife. Extended family, sure. Like your aunt or something, fine.”

ANDRE: “High school was my jam.”
RUXIN: “That’s what we made you tell the principal.”

STEVE THE JANITOR: “Why would someone name their baby ‘Carmenjello’? What kind of women would do that?”

ANDRE: “Taboo is my favorite Black Eyed Pea. I love the show Martin! You so crazy…”

TACO: “No, because diamonds aren’t forever. But forever stamps are. I invested all my money that I made pretending to be that old woman’s gardener into forever stamps.”

TACO: “I am sitting on thousands of pennies right now.”

TACO: “The front door is half cardboard, and it gets really moist in there. So I think it’s going to make them all stick together.”

KEVIN: “Taco, where’d you get this briefcase?”
TACO: “Stole it from some moron.”
ANDRE: “It says ‘Kevin’ on it.”

STEVE: “Nobody wants to get pounded in a day spa.”

KEVIN: “No, it’s got nothing to do with race. It’s about the color of your skin. That’s all.”

KEVIN: “I mean, Beehive is where I had you, accurately.”

STEVE: “CARMENJELLO! Say it! Right now!”

TACO: “Is the sex you have even that good?”

TACO: “Monogamy’s so sad.”

TACO: “These are cheap panties you get in a 12-pack at a Costco. Not. Sexy.”

SOFIA: “You hate this breast!”
RUXIN: “No, I love that breast, and I love the other one. It’s one of the main reasons I married you…I take that statement back already.”

SOFIA: “Not the ‘Dre guy.”
RUXIN: “No, he’s not allowed back in the country.”

TACO: “I didn’t give your underwear to people. I exchanged them for goods and services.”

KEVIN: “This is like virgin Christmas.”

JENNY: “Garbage time doesn’t count, Andre!”

TACO [to Jenny]: “Nothing says abstinence like your underwear.”

ANDRE: “I fingered a girl in my day. One time, girl told me just to put the tip in…and I did.”

RUXIN: “You gotta do what you gotta do, guys. Got it? … All your teachers smoke pot.”

KEVIN [on his zipper fairies]: “She didn’t find any. I think they’re dead.”

The League S03E06: Yobogoya! Will Destroy Ya

This episode brought both the shits and the giggles. Literally.

The season is all about destroying Ruxin — body, mind and what’s left of his soul. I’m sure somewhere in The Art of War it details exactly the strategy Ruxin’s faced through the first half of this season.

First, you crush their spirit by ruining their hope for the future or, in this case, Ruxin’s son’s education. Then you smoke them out into the open by making their home life miserable. Ashley the Au Pair, mission accomplished. Then you make them question themselves, which Ruxin’s started to do since losing lineup nirvana. The stage is set for a breakdown of epic proportions.

Next? I guess we’re left with destroying career? Sounds good. I’m sure Sun Tzu would agree.

Ruxin gets his first real chance to work with a big partner in his firm, Mr. Hudabega, played by Ray Liotta, in defending Yobogoya, a maker of cheap, low-quality fast-food mystery meats. Ruxin’s “you should know better if you’re paying $2.99 for 3 pounds of meat” defense pleases the excitable Mr. Hudabega, who immediately takes him under his wing and dubs thee “Skippy.”

But Ruxin’s not the only one working with Yobogoya. They’re also running a jingle contest, and the winner will receive a lifetime supply of the tasty but intestinally devastating meals.

If you caught “lifetime supply” in there, you already know Taco’s on the case.

It’s in mid-Yobogoya feasting that we find Taco at a “brothers lunch” with Kevin as Kevin tries to emphasize to Taco that he needs to start setting his lineup every week.

But that moment of family togetherness (and Taco misunderstandings, mostly), gets interrupted by Andre and his new hobby, urban foraging, which is most assuredly destined to get someone killed. Probably Andre. And was anyone else unable to distinguish Andre from an overgrown leprechaun while he was foraging?

Come Sunday, Ruxin feels the need to tinker with his lineup and doesn’t notice Jenny’s sneezing and symptoms when he borrows her laptop. By the time she sneezes, he’s already been exposed, putting himself in danger of getting sick and losing the chance to work with Mr. Hudabega on the big case.

Ruxin gets a second helping of the MacArthur germs soon after when Kevin rushes back from the bathroom without washing his hands to take the laptop back from Ruxin before Ruxin hacks Taco’s account to set Taco’s lineup. And Kevin gets himself in trouble with Ellie for not practicing what he preaches about washing hands.

Rather than complain more about the germ exposure, Ruxin chooses instead to gripe about Taco’s lack of involvement in the league. He issues a decree demanding that Taco set his lineup on his own that week or be banished from the league.

Nobody likes a free win machine in the league.

Kevin, Jenny, and Pete must come together to form a shadow government in order to save Taco from Ruxin’s ultimatum. The league really is at their best when they band together to torture or save one of their own — doesn’t matter which.

Back at the office, Ruxin, of course, comes down with something after being exposed to Jenny’s germs. Rather than cop to his illness and sit this one out, Ruxin blames a bee allergy, triggered by an indoor bee (plenty of those, right?).

His excellence in lying gets him past the first level of suspicion from Mr. Hudabega and keeps him on the case.

Eager to share his latest trendy hobby with the league, Andre invites everyone but Sick Ruxin over for an “urban foraging” dinner. The dinner itself is as terrifying as you would expect a dinner assembled from plants around the city to be. Mushrooms from under the L train anyone?

Lucky for Team Shadow Government, Kevin, Jenny, and Pete get saved from the urban foraging dinner when Taco comes to the rescue. Fresh off winning the Yobogoya contest with his jingle, Taco arrives with enough buckets of mystery meat for everyone.

Sensing there was too much joy in one location, Ruxin pops over to Andre’s to force Taco to set his lineup without any help from the rest of the league.

Setting him up on Andre’s computer, the stage is set for Taco to fail. But first, Taco can’t help but accidentally stumble upon Andre’s foraging porn, Forag-acation (not a real site, but if you click it, you get rewarded), like Rain Man.

Poor Andre. He’s just a magnet for embarrassment, and it doesn’t help that Taco’s a magnet for porn.

With Taco at the computer, the shadow government puts their plan into action. Just out of Ruxin’s view, Pete uses “traffic cop” signing to suggest the correct lineup moves to Taco, who slowly (and excruciatingly) manages to submit a valid roster for the week.

How did Taco ever win this league if he can’t even name the positions on a football field? And how terrible does that make Kevin?

Speaking of traffic cops, with Ashley out of sight and out of mind — we can only hope Bobbum Man didn’t get her  —  Pete has found his new archnemesis in the form of a traffic cop, “Glovesy.” Glovesy does a terrible job dealing with the traffic at a broken traffic light, and Pete can’t take it.

After his shadow government operation Pete’s feeling pretty good about his signaling abilities, and when he finds himself stuck at Glovesy’s intersection again, he jumps out of his car and challenges him to a “signal” off.

Their battle, while heated, results in a car accident, and Pete promptly leaves the scene before he gets busted. It was a great little distraction for Pete since his immune system was apparently strong enough to resist Jenny’s illness.

Having won the case alongside Mr. Hudabega, Ruxin’s still covering up his illness and still letting Mr. Hudabega call him Skippy.

When he learns Peyton Hillis’ strep throat will keep him from playing that week from Mr. Hudabega, Ruxin, a Hillis owner, is left with a decision. With his phone about to die, he could go on about his business, continuing to hide his illness and leaving Hillis to notch a zero for the week…or he could try to make a switch and risk sneezing in front of his boss.

Ruxin tries hidden option C first. He reaches out to Kevin, hoping that Kevin will help him adjust his lineup as commish. He’s tried this before. Doesn’t he ever learn from his mistakes?

Kevin, unsurprisingly, refuses to help the champ. He has more pressing matters to deal with as the Yobogoya he ate at Andre’s foraging meal signals him that it’s ready for evac while he’s stuck in traffic with Jenny and Ellie.

Denied any outside help, Ruxin’s only option as a truly competitive fantasy football addict is to hijack Mr. Hudabega’s phone to make the roster move. But, in the excitement of adjusting his lineup, he can’t suppress a sneeze.

Caught in the act, Ruxin still won’t admit he’s sick, even as he continues to sneeze all over the partner’s phone. Instead, he continues to insist it’s his bee allergy. But two EpiPens later, it’s just not worth it anymore to lie.

Now, to the question you’re all still asking, will Kevin shit or get to a pot?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgUSozI4gxk

Distraught and out of options when nature calls in traffic, Kevin jumps out of the car in search of a restroom. Finding none, he runs into a park just in time to drop a “tasty brown treat” within sight of Ellie’s teacher — of course, the one she’s told that Kevin doesn’t wash his hands.

What an animal Kevin is. What an animal we all are. I love this show.

Memorable quotes from Episode 6:

TACO: “No, I want specifics. What do you do with your time? Your aimlessness fascinates me.”

KEVIN: “Taco, you can’t buy a bucket of nails for $2.99.”

TACO [to Andre]: “Okay, you can go now.”

ANDRE: “I’m an urban forager. It’s no big deal … Actually, it’s a huge deal.”

ANDRE: “Mushroom caps and…oh, no, that’s a condom.”

RUXIN: “It’s a bunch of horse meat. North Koreans wouldn’t even eat it.”

RUXIN: “If you’re gonna pay $2.99 for 3 pounds of horse meat, there’s a reasonable expectation that your colon’s gonna implode.”

JENNY: “Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to NeverNeverWinLand.”
RUXIN: “Will do, Captain Hooker.”

PETE: “Who decided it was a good idea to replace a traffic light with an asshole?”

JENNY: “I think it’s great. It’s like we have a little frittata wildcard in our league.”

RUXIN: “…SmallHandsOnBalls.net is not up and running right now.” (Go ahead. Click that.)

SHADOW GOVERNMENT: “One. Two. Three. WE WERE NEVER HERE.”

PETE: “Don’t try to get me to see Michael Flatley again.”

RUXIN: “And you faked it, just like that Giants faked that injury in that Monday Night Football game.” (Had to highlight this one only because it incorporated real in-season events from this year)

RUXIN: “No, you won ’cause you got me sick ’cause you’re a filthy beast, and you live in this disgusting hovel. And your daughter’s just a petri dish with pigtails.” (Absolute destruction. Well done, Ruxin.)

RUXIN: “Oh, you think so, Sherlock Homeless”

RUXIN: “We’re going to put those Amish f**ks in prison.”

ANDRE [on the mushrooms]: “They need no sort of seasoning because they have their own sort of pungent aroma.”

ANDRE: “Okay, you know what? You have a category-5 Yobogoya storm hitting mainland in about 10 hours so I hope your colon’s ready.”

TACO: “Correction: That was a pony having sex with a human.”

TACO: “I know how it works. Take the bye players out; put in the straight ones.”

RUXIN: “Bye players? What is Andre in the league all of a sudden?” (Ruxin had some terribly cheap jokes during his illness. I guess that gives him an excuse.)

MR. HUDABEGA (RAY LIOTTA): “If you can’t afford a porterhouse, then you deserve hepatitis.”

MR. HUDABEGA: “You’re the son I would have if I stuffed it in my media coach.”

MR. HUDABEGA: “You shit-zipper!”

KEVIN: “I have digni…ohhh, Yobogoya.”

Rafi is Bobbum Man

The League S03E05: Bobbum Man joins MyFace for Kevin and Jenny’s Sexiversary

Rafi is Bobbum Man

Since The League already destroyed the nurturing educational foundation of Ruxin’s child and Ruxin’s life in his own home, it seems we, at long last, are left with little but the mental side of Ruxin’s fantasy football game on our path to deconstructing Ruxin this season.

Ruxin’s leaving points on his bench, and the stress is going to drive him out of his comfort zone. His suffering — and sarcasm — will eventually lead to the creation of a beast more powerful than himself, Bobbum Man. But we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.

I’m going to have to continue to push the working theory that there’s a curse on the champion of the league…and maybe it’s still sticking with Andre a bit as well.

Unable to set an optimal lineup in fantasy, Ruxin is left to what we can only assume is his last resort, Andre, who brings him along for a yoga class in an attempt to relieve Ruxin’s stress.

In yoga, Ruxin reaches enlightenment through a tramp stamp with magical powers on back of the attractive female student downward-dogging in front of him. “Ohm”-ing while staring into the tramp stamp gives Ruxin the edge he needed, and he reaches “lineup nirvana.”

If we had known sooner that the best way to decide when to start Vincent Jackson and when to bench him was to stare into a tramp stamp, this season would have gone much more smoothly. I’ve suffered with that very same issue all season long, and with no tramp stamp or yoga students in sight, I guess I’m just going to have to stick with what this realm has to offer.

While Ruxin revels in his “lineup nirvana” victory on Sunday, Kevin gets a text from “Bobbum Man,” a character Pete created for a game called “phone chicken” they all played in college.

Within “phone chicken,” each of the league members had their own avatar, and the goal was to get the other person to hang up the phone as quickly as possible.

“Bobbum Man,” Pete’s character, is a sad, middle-aged man driving around in a van full of “equipmonk.” No word on whether the van has “Free Candy” written on the side of it or not.

Kevin played “Mundane Ejaculation Man.” Think vinegar strokes, and you’ve got it. Andre was “Crawdad Man,” who sounds only slightly more legible than Farmer Fran. And Ruxin was “Korean Dick Vitale,” who might have been my favorite (and the most racially insensitive). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see much of Ruxin’s portrayal.

Haunted by thoughts of the reawakening of Bobbum Man, Kevin receives a visit from Taco, who we can only assume played himself in any game of “phone chicken,” in the dead of night.

Taco breaks into each league member’s house at 4 a.m. in order to invite them to MyFace (which actually is an available domain name), an “offline’ social network he’s created to combat the ridiculousness of Facebook and Twitter.

By the way, you can find and follow us on both @FantasyFools or through our page on Facebook. /shameless plug

Frustrated by the intrusion, Kevin reluctantly agrees to join, and Taco welcomes him with a video message from Bobbum Man.

With users joining by the…let’s just say day, MyFace seems to really take off. At the bar, Taco presents his MyFace “wall,” which looks less like a Facebook wall and more like your high school science fair board with stolen pictures and yarn instead of fake experiment results.

Old pictures of ‘Fro Ruxin make him the star of Taco’s MyFace wall, in my honest opinion.

On the MacArthur home front, Kevin reminds Jenny that they have a big relationship milestone coming up — their sexiversary. But Jenny doesn’t remember the exact date, hence her position as the masculine one in the relationship.

Note: I’ll be using the Urban Dictionary spelling of “sexiversary,” but there are alternatives.

Determined to figure out the exact date, Jenny goes to Taco, who busted up their first sexual encounter and snapped a photo.

Not surprisingly, it’s not so easy. Taco put the picture on his MyFace wall, but before Jenny can see it, she has to crack her password, stumbling through some Taco-ized versions of the password hints we all get online.

Taco tests Jenny with MyFace security questions

(I don’t ever remember them asking me to rate my top 10 lesbian experiences or to choose between dildos and vibrators.)

With the mystery solved (Nov. 2, 2001), Jenny surprises Kevin with sexy lingerie and a candle. But Kevin’s just received a cryptic message from Bobbum Man on the front door, which, paired with a hooded, sunglass-ed figure watching outside while they attempt couch sex, spooks him from being able to celebrate the sexiversary with Jenny properly.

Angry at his sexual failure, Kevin accuses Pete and then Taco of being outside his window the night before.

The pieces come together when Taco remembers that he created an “offline avatar” for Bobbum Man: Rafi.

After Taco inadvertently inspired the monster to come to life, Rafi consulted Ruxin, but Rafi misunderstood Ruxin’s sarcastic mocking as an endorsement and ran with it…right across Kevin’s lawn…in anal rapist gear.

The league members all set out to find Rafi, who’s fully become Bobbum Man by now.

Taco leaves a message for Rafi on his MyFace wallAlong their journey, they find his current “equipmonk shed,” a basement full of chairs and a single “toilet-kitchen” bucket. They do find Rafi’s, er, Bobbum Man’s MyFace wall, but it is nothing but buts and knives.

Without any leads, the guys go their separate ways. Pete and Kevin continue the search for Rafi at night, but they soon find themselves going from stalker to stalkee when a shadowy, hooded figure appears behind them.

Running for cover, they get pinned in an alley between an “equipmonk” van and a raving Bobbum Man coming towards them.

Few options remain, and so they desperately go on the offensive, tackling the Bobbum Man and kicking him repeatedly.

Much to their surprise, Rafi soon joins them in the beat down.

It’s not actually Bobbum Man at all they attacked. It’s Crawdad Man. Andre was just trying to sneak into a yoga class after Ruxin got them kicked out for not taking it seriously. And in the process of leaving Ruxin a trash-talking voicemail, Andre finds himself the victim of a bobbum hate crime.

On the plus side, just before losing consciousness, Andre reaches lineup nirvana himself. What a masochist.

Also, if anyone ever goes by the name Apollo and tries to contact you mysteriously on craigslist…run.

Memorable quotes from Episode 5:

RUXIN: “I cannot set a good lineup. My bench keeps outperforming my starters. My bench is this magical, mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars. Like, if Kevin were on my bench, he’d be a 6’5″ billionaire who could sexually please his wife.”

TACO: “Yeah, I don’t care if it’s my dick. I don’t need to see a thousand pictures of it pretending to ride a dog.”

TACO: “I’m gonna tweet your face, Andre.”

PETE: “I think this has been happening for a while, Taco. It’s called ‘society.'”

RUXIN: “I don’t know what’s healing about stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.”

RUXIN [on Andre’s grippies]: “I’m not planning on giving four people hand and foot jobs today.”

RUXIN: “Indian style is for kids at summer camp who got diddled by their Croatian wind surfing instructor named Goran.”

RUXIN: “And I look forward to using your bullshit, unicorn rainbow calisthenics to crush you.”

PETE [as Bobbum Man]: “He creepied up in the bobbum van, filled up with equipmunk for great grief for making at you underneath.”

KEVIN [as Mundane Ejaculation Man]: “OH, GOD, I’M GONNA COME. I’M SO CLOSE TO COMING, ANDRE.”

RUXIN: “What is a crawdad?”
ANDRE: “It’s like evil shrimp.”

RUXIN: “I mean, Korean Dick Vitale? You kidding me? [In Korean accent] ‘OH, THIS DIAPER A DANDY! AWESOME, BABY!”

PETE: “Why are you masturbating as ‘Crawdad Man’?”

TACO: “You’ve got mail! You’ve received a message from Taco.”

TACO: “You guys should form a MyFace group: “People Who Don’t Like Getting Their Houses Broken into at 4 A.M.”

TACO: “Are you content with the face you are currently displaying? … Sure you want to pick that face?”

TACO: “Say hello the newest edition to the world wide world, my MyFace wall.”

ANDRE: “Oh, Sofia’s on MyFace?”
TACO: “Oh yeah, she loves MyFace. She’s all over it.”

TACO: “And the link brings you to Jenny…and their mistake.”

PETE: “Couple of questions, real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity, why do you have to call it a vanity?”

TACO: “I’m gonna poke you!”
RAFI: “I’m gonna stab you…offline…with a real knife.

TACO: “Security Question No. 1: What color panties are you wearing right now?”

JENNY: “There are no letters in that box. It’s a spider with penises for legs.”

TACO: “Let him put it whereeeeever!”

ANDRE [staring at a but]: “I’m trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this girl’s sex boobs, but I’m not getting a thing.”

KEVIN: “And I want to put it in your bobbum.”

KEVIN: “Now I gotta play with my own equipmonk.”

ANDRE: “She told me, ‘Oh, go do an inversion on your moon cycle!'”

RUXIN [sarcastically]: “I don’t think that’s sarcasm.”

KEVIN: “When casting a sexual psychopath with a van, you don’t actually have to cast a sexual psychopath with a van.”
TACO: “But it’s so much easier. He already knows how to do it.”

RAFI: “…I’m not gonna blast any pigeons. I don’t do that anymore.”
RUXIN: “I think we have very different definitions of what pigeonholing is.”
RAFI: “I doubt it.”

KEVIN: “Easy, ticktock.”

ANDRE: “Where did all these chairs come from?”

RAFI’S SUPER: “That’s his toilet-kitchen.”

ANDRE: “How come my bobbum’s not on there?”
RUXIN: “What about these jeans with the angel wings and the knife going through it?”
ANDRE: “Yeah, I think it is. Okay, whew.”

KEVIN: “Truly, in the world, the last person I would ever want to be sodomized by would be Rafi. Truly…if I could pick. And by the way, when you are sodomized by a vagrant, not only are you sodomized by that vagrant, but you’re also being sodomized by everyone else that vagrant has sodomized.”

PETE: “As I envisioned Bobbum Man, it was much more of a general annihilation, not just about the ass.”

KEVIN: “YOU GO…and I’ll tell your story.”

RAFI: “Who are we kicking?”

RAFI: “This is how this is going to go down. We’re going to need to get a rug, a bone saw, and condoms.”

RAFI: “This is how it ends, Brian. Get used to it.”

Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

The League S03E04: Kevin’s Ol’ Smoke Crotch and Golden Gating with Rafi

Andre explains his use of "dick spit"

It seems Ruxin’s finally paying for all his misdeeds this season…or could it be that there’s a Madden curse hex on the champion of the league? Andre did get a taste of his own medicine when he defiled the trophy after winning the last year.

So far in Ruxin’s reign, his son has missed his chance to go to Jewish preschool when Andre’s Sacko porn debuted a tad too early, and now Pete’s sleeping with his au pair under his own roof. It all gets even worse for Ruxin this week as he’s left with Baby Geoffrey just long enough for his son to eat an ice cube (“No water cookies!”) from the urinal and become “forever unclean.”

What did he do to deserve this? Oh, wait…it’s Ruxin.

Everyone’s getting older, and part of dealing with that is handling the pee. The older you get, as a guy, the harder it gets (I have to assume) to actually get pee in the toilet and not all over yourself.

Each of the guys is dealing with this issue in their own way — Taco with his own “Taco Marked” pee bib, Ruxin by trying to rub the pee of his pants (and getting caught in a compromising position by Ashley in the process) — but it’s Kevin who deals with something even worse than a little trickle.

Kevin finds a white pube.

In doing some product testing for Taco’s pee bib concept, a leftover cocktail napkin from Kevin and Jenny’s wedding, Kevin finds a dreaded white hair on the napkin.

It’s the saddest moment in a man’s life when he realizes his days are limited. He’s not immortal. He’s not going to live forever. The pubes will not always be fire crotchety…or brown…or whatever your color may happen to be.

Someday, we’ll all have a smoke crotch.

But Kevin finds his first white pube and is immediately disturbed. He already has a complex around the other guys in the league. Sure, he has more hair than Andre, more money than Pete, more success than Taco, and more of his soul than Ruxin, but it’s hard to remind yourself of that when confronted with your own white pube, especially with the type of conversations that are taking place these days within the league circle.

Pete’s busying the guys with talk of his sexual renaissance with Ashley the Au Pair and trying to solve the mystery of the “Golden Gate” sexual position she wants to try. No one has a clue, although it’s safe to rule out it’s not having sex and then jumping off a bridge. Andre’s former lady friend didn’t have a name for that one when she did it.

Little does Pete know that a “Golden Gate” involves Rafi, who Ruxin invites into his house to scare out Ashley the Au Pair when she seizes power after catches Ruxin allegedly whacking it to her application photo.

Ruxin gets Caught by Ashley the Au Pair

By the way, there’s the answer to the question we’ve always asked, “Who does the devil make a deal with when the devil can’t get something done?” Rafi.

To Pete’s credit, the “Golden Gate” Ashley wanted to do with Rafi doesn’t seem to appear under the name “Golden Gate” in any resource I found. (Those links are NSFW, in case you were wondering.)

Needless to say, Pete bailed out of his relationship with Ashley and left her to Rafi once he finally found out how to make the “bridge” for a “Golden Gate.” But a single Ashley gives Ruxin more problems.

So, in the matter of the white pube, it’s up to Kevin to solve his problem on his own. Andre reaches out to him, without really knowing that Kevin’s crotch hair is the real problem, and the two go to the spa together to rejuvenate. There, Kevin finds many an uncomfortable moment with Andre’s half-nude body and awkward closeness, but he also finds hope…and an eyebrow wax.

It’s not until after the spa (and after Taco, on his own, stumbles across one of Kevin’s white pubes and, thus, his secret) that Kevin decides that something must be done.

On Sunday, with the rest of the league downstairs discussing the merits of Taco’s Taco Marked pee bib prototype, Kevin takes the brown dye (but isn’t he a redhead?) to his down under so that he can look and feel young and virile once again.

In his rush to get back to the gang downstairs while they harass him for taking so long in the bathroom, Kevin reaches for the blow dryer. And that somehow manages to catch his crotch on fire.

So instead of “ol’ smoke crotch,” Kevin got the real thing — an old, smokey crotch. That is, once he put the flames out on his firecrotch with Taco’s pee bibs.

So many questions. Will he let Andre do the reconstructive surgery? Will Rafi stop banging Ashley in Ruxin’s house? Will Ruxin ever figure out which corner was Rafi’s pee corner?

We may never know. Or we might find out next week.

Memorable quotes from Episode 4:

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire.”

RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, FOREVER UNCLEAN!”

RUXIN: “I will legally take care of him because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.”

KEVIN: “This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.”

KEVIN: “Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old, and it hasn’t even lived yet.”

RUXIN: “I’m not a disgusting pig. I peed on myself.”

RUXIN: “…I fed him turkey chili for lunch. Oh, that crib’s gonna be a war zone.”

KEVIN [on Golden Gate]: “I think it’s code for anal.”
PETE: “Oh, we don’t use code words for that.”

RUXIN: “You think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?”

ANDRE: “Look, we all have our little secrets. For example…[whispers]…I’m losing my hair.”

RAFI: “That means my wiener needs to be out.”

RAFI: “Can you just say the word ‘yes’? Just say it out loud!”
ASHLEY: “Yes…”
RAFI [to Ruxin]: “CONSENT! You heard it. You’re a lawyer.”

RAFI: “Yeah, I’m going to court-martial her…vagina…with my wiener.”

Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

RUXIN: “There’s no pee corner.”
RAFI: “No, I know what I do. You know what I mean? Like, I’m going to use that as my pee corner, and I’m going to use this as my slop basket.”

ANDRE: “You ever swallow your own spit? It’s the same idea. Same idea as spit! … It’s dick spit. Come on!”

RUXIN: “…I’m sorry for interrupting you.”
RAFI: “You’re watching it happen right now.”

RUXIN: “Facial?”
ALL: “…Okay. [and the requisite bowing]”

TACO: “You look like a china doll of Kevin.”

TACO: “What about Casper the Friendly Pube? Was he there?”

PETE: “Come on, Kevin. Where there was fire, there’s smoke…crotch.”

RAFI: “We’re building a bridge!”

PETE: “Too much hair on the bridge. It’s a hairy bridge!”

RAFI: “Oh, dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian’s so my dick is TERRIFYING!”

PETE: “No golden gating. I hate San Francisco. I’m dropping Vernon Davis, and…uh…” [runs out of bedroom]

KEVIN: “I’m on the toilet, babe. It’s complicated.”
JENNY: “You’re disgusting. I love you. Good luck.”

RAFI: “I already heard all the details because Rafi broke into the shower while I was in there, told me the story, and then, purely based off instinct, tried to shiv me.”

TACO: “97 percent of the time, the pee bib worked…unless I had an erection…”

TACO: “Leave the ideas to the IDEA man.”

RUXIN: “I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you?”
JENNY: “He doesn’t do that…anymore.”

TACO: “Hey, Santa Cock! Are you dreaming of a white Dickmas?”

RAFI: “I feel like I just got milked.”

RAFI: “Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty f**king classy.”

RUXIN: “Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”