Since The League already destroyed the nurturing educational foundation of Ruxin’s child and Ruxin’s life in his own home, it seems we, at long last, are left with little but the mental side of Ruxin’s fantasy football game on our path to deconstructing Ruxin this season.
Ruxin’s leaving points on his bench, and the stress is going to drive him out of his comfort zone. His suffering — and sarcasm — will eventually lead to the creation of a beast more powerful than himself, Bobbum Man. But we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.
I’m going to have to continue to push the working theory that there’s a curse on the champion of the league…and maybe it’s still sticking with Andre a bit as well.
Unable to set an optimal lineup in fantasy, Ruxin is left to what we can only assume is his last resort, Andre, who brings him along for a yoga class in an attempt to relieve Ruxin’s stress.
In yoga, Ruxin reaches enlightenment through a tramp stamp with magical powers on back of the attractive female student downward-dogging in front of him. “Ohm”-ing while staring into the tramp stamp gives Ruxin the edge he needed, and he reaches “lineup nirvana.”
If we had known sooner that the best way to decide when to start Vincent Jackson and when to bench him was to stare into a tramp stamp, this season would have gone much more smoothly. I’ve suffered with that very same issue all season long, and with no tramp stamp or yoga students in sight, I guess I’m just going to have to stick with what this realm has to offer.
While Ruxin revels in his “lineup nirvana” victory on Sunday, Kevin gets a text from “Bobbum Man,” a character Pete created for a game called “phone chicken” they all played in college.
Within “phone chicken,” each of the league members had their own avatar, and the goal was to get the other person to hang up the phone as quickly as possible.
“Bobbum Man,” Pete’s character, is a sad, middle-aged man driving around in a van full of “equipmonk.” No word on whether the van has “Free Candy” written on the side of it or not.
Kevin played “Mundane Ejaculation Man.” Think vinegar strokes, and you’ve got it. Andre was “Crawdad Man,” who sounds only slightly more legible than Farmer Fran. And Ruxin was “Korean Dick Vitale,” who might have been my favorite (and the most racially insensitive). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see much of Ruxin’s portrayal.
Haunted by thoughts of the reawakening of Bobbum Man, Kevin receives a visit from Taco, who we can only assume played himself in any game of “phone chicken,” in the dead of night.
Taco breaks into each league member’s house at 4 a.m. in order to invite them to MyFace (which actually is an available domain name), an “offline’ social network he’s created to combat the ridiculousness of Facebook and Twitter.
Frustrated by the intrusion, Kevin reluctantly agrees to join, and Taco welcomes him with a video message from Bobbum Man.
With users joining by the…let’s just say day, MyFace seems to really take off. At the bar, Taco presents his MyFace “wall,” which looks less like a Facebook wall and more like your high school science fair board with stolen pictures and yarn instead of fake experiment results.
Old pictures of ‘Fro Ruxin make him the star of Taco’s MyFace wall, in my honest opinion.
On the MacArthur home front, Kevin reminds Jenny that they have a big relationship milestone coming up — their sexiversary. But Jenny doesn’t remember the exact date, hence her position as the masculine one in the relationship.
Determined to figure out the exact date, Jenny goes to Taco, who busted up their first sexual encounter and snapped a photo.
Not surprisingly, it’s not so easy. Taco put the picture on his MyFace wall, but before Jenny can see it, she has to crack her password, stumbling through some Taco-ized versions of the password hints we all get online.
(I don’t ever remember them asking me to rate my top 10 lesbian experiences or to choose between dildos and vibrators.)
With the mystery solved (Nov. 2, 2001), Jenny surprises Kevin with sexy lingerie and a candle. But Kevin’s just received a cryptic message from Bobbum Man on the front door, which, paired with a hooded, sunglass-ed figure watching outside while they attempt couch sex, spooks him from being able to celebrate the sexiversary with Jenny properly.
Angry at his sexual failure, Kevin accuses Pete and then Taco of being outside his window the night before.
The pieces come together when Taco remembers that he created an “offline avatar” for Bobbum Man: Rafi.
After Taco inadvertently inspired the monster to come to life, Rafi consulted Ruxin, but Rafi misunderstood Ruxin’s sarcastic mocking as an endorsement and ran with it…right across Kevin’s lawn…in anal rapist gear.
The league members all set out to find Rafi, who’s fully become Bobbum Man by now.
Along their journey, they find his current “equipmonk shed,” a basement full of chairs and a single “toilet-kitchen” bucket. They do find Rafi’s, er, Bobbum Man’s MyFace wall, but it is nothing but buts and knives.
Without any leads, the guys go their separate ways. Pete and Kevin continue the search for Rafi at night, but they soon find themselves going from stalker to stalkee when a shadowy, hooded figure appears behind them.
Running for cover, they get pinned in an alley between an “equipmonk” van and a raving Bobbum Man coming towards them.
Few options remain, and so they desperately go on the offensive, tackling the Bobbum Man and kicking him repeatedly.
Much to their surprise, Rafi soon joins them in the beat down.
It’s not actually Bobbum Man at all they attacked. It’s Crawdad Man. Andre was just trying to sneak into a yoga class after Ruxin got them kicked out for not taking it seriously. And in the process of leaving Ruxin a trash-talking voicemail, Andre finds himself the victim of a bobbum hate crime.
On the plus side, just before losing consciousness, Andre reaches lineup nirvana himself. What a masochist.
Also, if anyone ever goes by the name Apollo and tries to contact you mysteriously on craigslist…run.
Memorable quotes from Episode 5:
RUXIN: “I cannot set a good lineup. My bench keeps outperforming my starters. My bench is this magical, mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars. Like, if Kevin were on my bench, he’d be a 6’5″ billionaire who could sexually please his wife.”
TACO: “Yeah, I don’t care if it’s my dick. I don’t need to see a thousand pictures of it pretending to ride a dog.”
TACO: “I’m gonna tweet your face, Andre.”
PETE: “I think this has been happening for a while, Taco. It’s called ‘society.'”
RUXIN: “I don’t know what’s healing about stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.”
RUXIN [on Andre’s grippies]: “I’m not planning on giving four people hand and foot jobs today.”
RUXIN: “Indian style is for kids at summer camp who got diddled by their Croatian wind surfing instructor named Goran.”
RUXIN: “And I look forward to using your bullshit, unicorn rainbow calisthenics to crush you.”
PETE [as Bobbum Man]: “He creepied up in the bobbum van, filled up with equipmunk for great grief for making at you underneath.”
KEVIN [as Mundane Ejaculation Man]: “OH, GOD, I’M GONNA COME. I’M SO CLOSE TO COMING, ANDRE.”
RUXIN: “What is a crawdad?”
ANDRE: “It’s like evil shrimp.”
RUXIN: “I mean, Korean Dick Vitale? You kidding me? [In Korean accent] ‘OH, THIS DIAPER A DANDY! AWESOME, BABY!”
PETE: “Why are you masturbating as ‘Crawdad Man’?”
TACO: “You’ve got mail! You’ve received a message from Taco.”
TACO: “You guys should form a MyFace group: “People Who Don’t Like Getting Their Houses Broken into at 4 A.M.”
TACO: “Are you content with the face you are currently displaying? … Sure you want to pick that face?”
TACO: “Say hello the newest edition to the world wide world, my MyFace wall.”
ANDRE: “Oh, Sofia’s on MyFace?”
TACO: “Oh yeah, she loves MyFace. She’s all over it.”
TACO: “And the link brings you to Jenny…and their mistake.”
PETE: “Couple of questions, real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity, why do you have to call it a vanity?”
TACO: “I’m gonna poke you!”
RAFI: “I’m gonna stab you…offline…with a real knife.”
TACO: “Security Question No. 1: What color panties are you wearing right now?”
JENNY: “There are no letters in that box. It’s a spider with penises for legs.”
TACO: “Let him put it whereeeeever!”
ANDRE [staring at a but]: “I’m trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this girl’s sex boobs, but I’m not getting a thing.”
KEVIN: “And I want to put it in your bobbum.”
KEVIN: “Now I gotta play with my own equipmonk.”
ANDRE: “She told me, ‘Oh, go do an inversion on your moon cycle!'”
RUXIN [sarcastically]: “I don’t think that’s sarcasm.”
KEVIN: “When casting a sexual psychopath with a van, you don’t actually have to cast a sexual psychopath with a van.”
TACO: “But it’s so much easier. He already knows how to do it.”
RAFI: “…I’m not gonna blast any pigeons. I don’t do that anymore.”
RUXIN: “I think we have very different definitions of what pigeonholing is.”
RAFI: “I doubt it.”
KEVIN: “Easy, ticktock.”
ANDRE: “Where did all these chairs come from?”
RAFI’S SUPER: “That’s his toilet-kitchen.”
ANDRE: “How come my bobbum’s not on there?”
RUXIN: “What about these jeans with the angel wings and the knife going through it?”
ANDRE: “Yeah, I think it is. Okay, whew.”
KEVIN: “Truly, in the world, the last person I would ever want to be sodomized by would be Rafi. Truly…if I could pick. And by the way, when you are sodomized by a vagrant, not only are you sodomized by that vagrant, but you’re also being sodomized by everyone else that vagrant has sodomized.”
PETE: “As I envisioned Bobbum Man, it was much more of a general annihilation, not just about the ass.”
KEVIN: “YOU GO…and I’ll tell your story.”
RAFI: “Who are we kicking?”
RAFI: “This is how this is going to go down. We’re going to need to get a rug, a bone saw, and condoms.”
RAFI: “This is how it ends, Brian. Get used to it.”