Ruxin's Shiva Blast in The Light of Genesis

The League S03E10: The Light of Genesis be with you, praise be

Ruxin is an evil soul, but even those most evil of forces cannot be denied salvation.

Ruxin with The Oracle

Ruxin finds it himself and a possible deliverance from fantasy suffering when a chance encounter with the brethren of The Light of Genesis, arranged by Pete as part of a prank war between he and Ruxin, exposes him to their incredible wealth of fantasy knowledge and sources.

Much like “The Oracle” from Season 1, all those untouched by the forces of sin and women make the best fantasy football gurus. As such, the cult is a hive mind of oracles that has matured and learned from mistakes for years — all to aid Ruxin in setting the perfect fantasy lineup.

Who needs “lineup nirvana” when you have a cult on your side?

It’s been several episodes since we’ve gotten an update on how everyone’s fantasy football team was doing this season. Given his lineup nirvana problems, we can only assume Ruxin was doing poorly at the beginning of the season, but it seems he’s back on track, especially with his new cult friends in play.

If  you need further confirmation, Jenny does worry in this episode that they’ll have another year of the reign of Ruxin.

But Jenny’s real problem is her need at running back. When Kevin won’t give her a running back in exchange for bacon, she gets creative and plots her way into a great trade. Her Plan B involves a temporary tattoo and a very easy to manipulate Andre into betraying her.

Andre, even more gullible than usual, falls for the entire ruse without suspecting a thing (so ye be warned, these are the tricky ways of women, brothers) and hands over both Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy for a chance — just a chance — to salvage his friendship with Jenny.

Over-analyzing the reality of this for just a second, I don’t see how this trade would ever get league approval, even in a league in which only the commish had veto power. It doesn’t look like Jenny even offers Andre any players in return, and McCoy is the No. 1 running back in fantasy this season.

But let’s not get too into the nitty-gritty. This is, after all, a comedy.

So the trade works, and Jenny gets exactly what she needed to save her chances for a shot at the Shiva. She might have just become the No. 1 contender with McCoy falling into her lap — or should I say pleasure chest?

Kevin attacks Eliza Dushku from behind

While his competitors focus on their fantasy rosters this week, Kevin’s distracted because he suspects his Krav Maga instructor, played by Eliza Dushku, is hitting on him in class.

His first clue might have been the forced breast palming she leads him into while using him as the class volunteer, but the hand jibber she gives him while demonstrating the “lever” confirms it.

True Krav Maga looks far more intense and lot less like third base. Also, this.

Unfortunately, Kevin can’t convince anyone else in the league, not even Jenny, that the attraction is real.

He even begins to doubt her advances are real himself, until a mugger attacks Kevin and his teacher after class, and Kevin demonstrates the “lever” his teacher used on him on the mugger to no avail.

His Krav Maga teacher admits she was hitting on him, but no one law-abiding was there to see it. A tree falling in the forest makes no sound.

With Ruxin determined to join the brethren of The Light of Genesis in order to abuse their fantasy knowledge, the entire gang gets together to stop and/or save Ruxin from becoming one of the fantasy enlightened.

They all manage to get inside the temple and get prime seats for Ruxin’s “baptism” into the cult. But Ruxin will not be swayed from the path. At least, not at first.

When one of the prerequisites for membership read during his baptism states that Ruxin must forsake all other leagues outside of The Light of the Genesis, Ruxin breaks and Shiva Blasts his way out of there.

He even gets a little evil Ruxin eye bulge in for good measure during his Shiva Blast.

Ruxin's Shiva Blast in The Light of Genesis

No one wants to restrict themselves to just one fantasy football league, especially when that one league is composed of guys who don’t drink or touch women.

What are those message boards like? And how sad is that draft day? Do you, at least, get to nap between picks?

So life in the league should continue as usual with Ruxin returning to the one true league, the league of Shiva.

Not to be too distracted with rescuing a friend, Taco manages to launch another business idea — possibly his best one yet — when he stumbles upon a lifetime supply of ties at The Light of Genesis temple to “obtain” as inventory for Neckflix, the Netflix for ties.

We’ll have to see how long this business lasts, but on the plus side, someone’s already registered the domain name.

But did they Taco Mark it?

Memorable quotes from Episode 10:

TACO: “Yeah, it’s Krav Maga. I’ve taken classes before. You do all that stuff, and then they blow you in the bathroom.”
KEVIN: “No, no, there’s no blow jobs.”
TACO: “No, you’re not doing Krav Maga.”

RUXIN: “That’s bump and run. That’s bump and run. Enjoy the sport.”

TACO: “It’s sex with someone else. That has nothing to do with Jenny.”

RUXIN: “I feel like regular donkey talk is too broad of a topic.”

TACO: “Neckflix — Netflix…but for neckties”

TACO: “What about the live rocking horse? Thirty dollars of wood, a hammer, and some nails turns that useless horse into a beloved children’s toy.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [on when Pettigrew gets hurt]: “Oh, just this morn, but Tony Scheffler will heed the call.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS JULIAN [on fantasy football]: “It’s our one clean vice. Praise be.”

JENNY [on Kevin's "lot to offer"]: “Which is the problem…So you go to that class and get less fat.”

ANDRE: “You want to get this Little Miss ‘A’ Cup into a ‘C’ Cup. Am I right?”

ANDRE: “How much was this in use if you needed to advertise it as a location stop on your body…?”

KEVIN [to Pete after Krav Maga K.O.]: “Knocked your ass OUT, son!”

RUXIN: “So what exactly constitutes a stroke? Like, are we talking like when you’re sitting in the couch and you do a lift and separate?”
KEVIN: “Oh, no. That’s a classic rerack — that’s involuntary.”

PETE: “Is that what we think Krav Maga is? The old Israeli art of hand jibber to hand jibber combat?”

RUXIN [on Andre's secret]: “Oooh, I know — Andre in a woman’s vagina!”

RUXIN: “And as the Lord turns his all-seeing eye onto the Carolina’s backfield this week, do you think it’s praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be DeAngelo Williams?”

TACO: “See ya, weird guys!”

RUXIN: “Yeah, I think they’re beyond salvation just like the 49ers defense! Hehe…Seriously, what’s going on with 49ers defense?”

KEVIN [to Ruxin]: “You look like a guy that gets beat up by the Mormons.”

RUXIN: “My brothers are God’s fantasy warriors.”

RUXIN: “Cult is such a pejorative term like ‘creep’ or ‘Andre.'”

TACO: “Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer Ruxin to write this down…”

TACO: “There is no higher power than Taco Corp.”

RUXIN: “Peace be with you, my brothers, and also with backup Buffalo running back C.J. Spiller.”

JENNY: “I am hurt. I am betrayed. I want Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy.”

LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [to Julian]: “I like how you watch over me when I dream, and I like the tiny shoulders that surround your head.”

PETE: “I’ll pinky on that.”

TACO: “I’ll just finger myself, thank you.”

TACO: “Thank you, Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and to a lesser extent, Mike Rutherford. I forgive you guys for We Can’t Dance.”

RUXIN [to Light of Genesis Gabriel during baptism]: “You have hair like a lady.”

RUXIN: “I am in one cult, and it is the cult of Shiva. And I’m the Grand Poobah of that mutha!”

KEVIN [while uncomfortable around his Krav Maga teacher]: “I sweat a lot. I mean, not just in class, but like, right now. When I get home, sometimes I’m so tired, I won’t even shower. I just lay in my own filth.”

KEVIN: “How are you supposed to drive two cars?”

KEVIN: “I’m just gonna go back to Zumba at the Y. It’s more my speed. But thank so much for all the material for my yank bank.”

Ruxin and The Oracle image via fuckyeahtheleague.tumblr.com

The League S02E13: “The Sacko Bowl” Kicks Off [Season 2 Finale]

Let’s not struggle with the sadness of this moment, that a season of The League is once again coming to an end.

Let’s, instead, celebrate what we have been given: a new champion, a new reason to look forward to next football season even if our fantasy football team sucks again in 2011 (there will, after all, be a Season 3), and at least a handful of new vocabulary words you can sneak into your TPS reports like “vaginal hubris,” “vinegar strokes,” and “rankings slave.”

So let’s not treat this like the end. Let’s treat this moment like a new beginning. And let’s celebrate “The Sacko Bowl” for all its glory.

We’re back in this.

Before the championship game, the league comes together to force Andre to give up The Dre, his perversion of the Shiva, and sacrifice their annual offerings. For the sake of simplicity, Kevin resorts to calling the trophy The ShiDre, and I will, too.

Jenny gives The ShiDre a hemorrhoid pillow in remembrance of the Andre incident in Vegas at the beginning of this season. Ruxin sacrifices the Kevin Federline hat that Andre gave him for Christmas. (He would be a regifter.)

And Pete offers up The Sacko since Andre will probably be stuck with it once he loses to Taco.

At the bar with Pete, Kevin’s miserable because he’s dreading Jenny winning the trophy and forcing him to stare at it for an entire season. But he only gets more miserable the more Ruxin gloats.

“Smartass Kermit” brags that he’ll be the one to bring home the trophy and then proceeds to poll the bar patrons about who to start in his flex spot, Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

As Ruxin acts as “census taker,” Kevin’s able to listen in because he has learned to read lips by watching porn on an iPhone while in the shower. It seems Jenny hasn’t been around to heat up the bedroom lately since she’s been working so hard on her fantasy football team. He’s had to resort to his special skills.

To escape from the Ruxin reign of tyranny inside the bar, Pete takes Kevin outside for a surprise, his new Crown Vic. Kevin doesn’t understand why Pete would buy a cop car.

You see, driving a Crown Vic doesn’t make you a cop, but being a cop almost certainly means you drive a Crown Vic. It’s not really an easy stereotype to escape.

On the home front, Kevin and Jenny discuss her lineup for the week. Kevin’s concerned about her starting Steve Johnson in the week he plays the Jets and Darrelle Revis, but she won’t be swayed by his talk of matchups.

This is how secretaries who don’t watch football win every office league, by the way.

Things haven’t been easy for Andre this season. When he arrives at the bar complaining about his streak of bad luck, the guys tell him he’s being punished by Shiva for destroying the trophy and remaking it as The Dre. He’s got “DRAIDS.”

But Andre’s not the only one that’s had a tough year. If you remember his stunning loss in “Kegel the Elf,” Kevin’s not doing too great either.

Ruxin tells Jenny that she emasculated Kevin by dominating in fantasy football, and Jenny seems to believe there’s some truth to that.

At a loss for who to start in his flex, Ruxin consults Rafi at the gym. He’s fighting chicks. “It’s erotic.” Dominating his league, Rafi tells him his method is just to “jerk it out” and stop thinking so much.

But Ruxin’s not that kind of guy.

To force Ruxin to decide, Rafi puts him into Dirty Randy’s “stuffed pepper” hold, and Ruxin coughs out Donald Browns just before he loses consciousness.

Lots of priceless quotes from Rafi here. Kind of makes you missed that guy and his “murder boner.”

With the games upon us, Pete’s embracing his new cop image by collecting free sandwiches and needlessly harassing hot chicks on the street with Taco.

Meanwhile, Jenny’s seeking out the sausage place that Kevin likes to do something wifey for him and ease the emasculation and depression he’s suffered from her dominance in her first year in the league.

But before she gets there, she can’t help but drop into a trophy store along the way. Inside, she asks about the largest trophy they sell but gets quickly buzzkilled when she sees Andre, having a replica made of The ShiDre.

The close contact with the former champion instantly curses Jenny with her own case of the DRAIDS. It’s not looking good for her season. At least that roster’s already set?

Back at the house, Kevin’s looking at just that. Kevin swaps Steve Johnson for Percy Harvin due to matchups and jumps in the shower convinced he’s helped Jenny win the Shiva Bowl.

Next thing he knows, Jenny throws open the shower curtain Psycho-style to tell Kevin she’s got the DRAIDS. Now with her roster altered, she’s doomed to fail, and Kevin’s caught jerking it to his silent picture porn in the shower by his own wife. Masculinity fail.

Time to face the music.

On Sunday, Kevin, Jenny, Taco, and Pete sit disgusted as they watch the football games roll on while Ruxin dances maniacal around the room in celebration. He’s going to take home the championship, and everybody knows it.

Taco, in losing, looks to be the winner of The Sacko, even though he can’t understand why he gets it for losing a game instead of winning.

But Andre’s in for a surprise. There was a recalculation of Joe Flacco’s touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin, and in that recalc, the pass was reclassified as a handoff. So instead of having a 4-point win, Andre gets a 2-point loss and The Sacko. “First to worst.”

At this moment, Andre’s greatest time of weakness, Ruxin marches in to collect The Shiva from him, but Andre’s not ready to give it up.

Andre races up to the roof of his condo before Ruxin can catch him. And while locked in mortal combat, Ruxin and Andre accidentally let The ShiDre drop off the building and into the windshield of a parked car. Finding the driver less than pleased, the gang starts to try to talk their way out of it, but he’s got no mercy for fantasy football.

Luckily, Pete arrives in his cop car to take everyone but Ruxin away to safety. Technically, the trophy is Ruxin’s and his problem to handle.

At least the league is nice enough to pick Ruxin up after he’s done getting booked.

Emerging from the police station, Ruxin’s insanity has reached a new level. And as he places the winner name plaque onto the trophy and announces his reign of terror, the malevolent forces welling up inside of him as he Shiva blasts seem to cause a solar eclipse.

Kind of reminds you of The Dark Crystal, no? Only me on The Dark Crystal reference?

So what does this mean for our league? For the world? Will we ever play fantasy football again?

Given the pivotal moment here, I think it’s best we end things with Pete’s words: “Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!”

See you all in Season 3.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 13:

JENNY: “ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre’s backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.”

TACO: “You’re going down, Dr. No Dick.”

TACO: “I’m gonna burn your nipples, bitch.”

KEVIN: “I hate fantasy football. And it’s the only thing I ever really loved.”

PETE: “Look, look. He’s the census taker. He’s polling around everyone on the planet asking ‘em the same question.”

KEVIN: “Well, I have this phone that I just downloaded all this filth on. And I bring it into the shower, and I turn the sound off so I don’t get caught.”

KEVIN: “I’m a very verbally-stimulated person. I need to know how good she needs it…why he’s delivering that pizza there. Plot points!”

KEVIN: “Well, did it come with a mustache and a bad attitude?” (about Pete’s car)

PETE: “Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to actually drive the speed limit?”

RUXIN: “You’ve been worshipping false idols, Andre.”

PETE: “I think you have the DRAIDS.”

JENNY: “And you are going to lose. And you’re going to go home, and you’re just going to savage your pud.”

RAFI: “Can I get the knife now? Is that cool? AHH! When are we gonna fight with the knife?”

RAFI: “Uh, the winner gets to punch the loser in the face as hard as he can…Yeah, it’s a dominance league.”

RAFI: “Thinking is pointless like motorcycle helmets.”

RAFI: “I don’t know what the technical term is, but Dirty Randy calls it the Stuffed Pepper. Do you feel it?”

RAFI: “Concept of extinguishing a human life really gets me aroused…It’s called a murder boner.”

TACO: “Okay. ‘Cause you can’t arrest me. You gave me a sandwich. This is entrapment.”

JENNY: “Are those sandwich bags?”
KEVIN: “Yeah. They work so good.”

RUXIN: “The beautiful flower that you see before you needed sunlight. It needed soil, but most of all, it needed manure. And that’s where you shit people came in, and as your leader, I love you as I will love all of my subjects. ‘Cause you’re shit people. But you’re my shit people. Beat you!”

TACO: “Six points from Flacco means you get The Sacko…from Taco.”

RUXIN: “Wow, it pierced this like it did Andre’s asshole.”

RUXIN: “Free at last. Free at last. Oh, Shiva, I am free at last.”

RUXIN: “Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin.”

[ Relive all the previous episodes of The League ]

The League S02E12: “Kegel the Elf” Is Watching You

Season 2 is coming to an end. And while I’m sad to see it go, it went out with a bang with “Kegel the Elf” and “The Sacko Bowl” both in the same night.

“Kegel the Elf” takes us to Ellie’s school Christmas concert. Kevin and Jenny watch on with pride while Pete joins them because he is hot for teacher–Ellie’s teacher, that is.

After the singing is over, Miss Martin, Ellie’s teacher asks to speak to Kevin and Jenny alone. It seems Ellie’s been drawing “the flex,” otherwise known as Cadillac Williams during art time, runs incredibly elaborate three-way trades at lunch, and has started to act like the class bookie.

All of that would seem to make a father like Kevin proud, but Ellie’s also telling other students to “take a ride on her suck stick.” And that’s not exactly one to stick on the fridge.

Being the good parents that they are wish they were claim to be, Kevin and Jenny can’t figure out where Ellie’s gotten her foul mouth, but they bring in some reinforcements in the form of an “Elf on the Shelf,” a doll that parents use to make kids behave by tricking them into believing the elf is a spy for Santa.

When they first introduce the new elfy companion to Ellie, she continues to complain about bath time and finally storms off after demanding that they “stop busting my balls.” Kids really are the most innocent of us all.

At the bar, Ruxin and Kevin are in the heat of trash-talking battle. They’re facing off this week in the playoffs for a spot in championship game. The rest of the league isn’t nearly so excited about this week since they are already out of the hunt, except for those who are still trying to avoid the Sacko Bowl.

That honor includes Andre, who claims to enjoy not being in the playoffs. At least until Ruxin tells him he’s invisible. Pete doesn’t even notice the soy-recovering member of the league when he arrives at the bar.

Pete laments that he’s not getting any from Ellie’s hot teacher just yet because she just had a kid last year. Things get even scarier when Ruxin explains that Sofia and he didn’t have sex for six months because Baby Geoffrey “blew the church doors wide open.” In other words, “Baghdad’s not ready for the Olympics.”

Being medical and such, Andre suggests a vaginal weight specialist could help strengthen her vaginal wall for the sexy time, which leads to jokes about vaginal Strongman competitions pulling Mack trucks with labias. “This was fun. Now you’re making it gross.”

Back at his evil household lair, Ruxin gets a box in the mail, which he assumes is from Kevin, especially when it’s full of stinky, old eggs that make his son cry.

To carry out the most important Ruxin family value, revenge, Ruxin crafts a deadly chicken-milk stink bomb and disguises it inside a pretty Christmas package so that no one will suspect a thing.

Back at Kevin’s house, Ellie decides to name her elf “Kegel,” which isn’t exactly what Kevin and Jenny had in mind. But Andre claims that it was Kevin, and not he, who used “suck stick” in the league trash-talking.

It’s starting to look like Ellie’s behavior is poor parenting and not the bad influence of the league.

Pete asks Jenny to meet him for a drink to discuss Miss Martin’s confidence issue since Jenny has vaginal hubris.

And to make sure Jenny’s willing to talk to Miss Martin for him, Pete threatens to show Miss Martin Jenny’s latest video post on the league message boards, which would surely lead her to call another parent-teacher conference that might interfere with Jenny’s precious lineup tweaks on Sunday morning.

Having delivered his stink bomb, Ruxin gets a visit from Taco to ask if Ruxin had received his old eggs. Taco had planned on passing them down through his family until they became 1000-year-old eggs, and he sent them to Ruxin for safekeeping as his lawyer.

Taco’s ridiculous plotting aside, Ruxin now realizes his mistake and has to find some way into Kevin’s house to get back his stink bomb gift before it explodes. That wouldn’t really be a fair gift exchange for the wine-of-the-month club that Kevin and Jenny bought him.

Taking Pete’s deal, Jenny invites Miss Martin over to meet Andre and have him explain vaginal strengthening and conditioning. But Miss Martin’s already been working with Stu Beagle, a doctor with whom Andre seems to have a history. Something to do with a wine bar and losing a shirt, but that’s not important to Jenny.

Miss Martin tells Jenny that she is speeding through Dr. Beagle’s program and is “stronger than she has ever been.” She asks Jenny not to share this info with Pete, and Jenny not surprisingly agrees. Why would she give Pete a heads up that he’s about to enter the jaws of life?

Ruxin goes into Mission Impossible mode to infiltrate Kevin’s house and find his stink bomb.

Inside, he is quickly discovered by Ellie, but she thinks he’s another Elf on the Shelf. Ruxin promises a crap-ton of ridiculous presents–pony included–if Ellie will retrieve the one present he dropped off.

But when she returns, he also does a good deed for Kevin and Jenny by giving Ellie some straight talk about how she’s been a dick and needs to man up and behave. Not wanting to be a dick, she agrees to change her ways. But sadly, no one will ever know how Ruxin did something nice.

Soon after her promise to change, Kevin awakes and hears Ellie talking downstairs. Ruxin falls out of a window trying to escape and lands right on his own stink bomb. “I’m forever unclean.”

Meanwhile, Pete finally gets to experience the full power of Miss Martin, and it’s more than he bargained for. Her jaws of steel end of crushing his little man.

Sunday comes, and Jenny quickly secures her spot in the Shiva Bowl thanks to the three hours Pete had to spend in the hospital getting realigned instead of setting his lineup.

Ruxin’s forced to watch from outside Kevin’s house because he still stinks from falling on his own stink grenade. But he’s still in it, winning by just one point in his matchup with Kevin.

Akers is the only player Kevin has left, and as the Philly game winds down, the Eagles line up Akers for a kick, which (if made) would give Kevin 3 points and a spot against Jenny in the Shiva Bowl.

Fully aware of the suspense of this moment, Taco announces that he’s set up an egg nativity scene in the front lawn to celebrate Eggs-mas, and Ruxin follows him around to the eggs to blame Taco for his stink bomb suicide and to wish a pox upon Taco’s eggs.

In typical Ruxin fashion, seconds later, he’s praying to all the gods he can name that Akers’ kick misses, sending him and not Kevin to the Shiva Bowl.

Given the inevitability of this moment, Pete starts to lament the all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl since Akers is a top kicker with no wind…but that’s the jinx.

The kick hits the post.

Kevin’s sent into a spiral. Taking it outside, he rants about the trouble the league puts him through each season as commish, trouble he puts up with only to lose every year.

He takes out the anger on anything in sight, including Taco’s precious eggs. But he puts the worst on Ellie, his own daughter. “Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there’s no Santa Claus, and there’s no Christmas. There’s no God. There’s no Easter Bunny. There’s nothing. Nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing…nothing!”

He takes it pretty hard. But I can’t blame him. Being one point away from any victory is horrifying, but a one-point loss that would have put you in the championship game? That’ll make you sick.

Having endured the weekend, Kevin and Jenny get called in to see Miss Martin for another parent-teacher conference.

This time, she’s got the video evidence Pete turned over of Jenny describing her metaphorical destruction Pete’s vagina and asshole that week in the league, which explains Ellie’s bad influence once and for all. It’s Jenny.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 12:

KEVIN: “I knew we were going to have a dick kid. I knew it!”

RUXIN: “No, you are fading away like that photograph in Back to the Future. And until McFly screws Caroline in the City…you’re gone!”

ANDRE: “Oh, like you didn’t like that Iron Man 2 replica mask.”

PETE: “Would there be such a thing as a vaginal Strongman?”

PETE: “It is decided. It is decided. It is…decided.” (of course, with the voice Pete used)

KEVIN: “I’m an elf. I’m Santa’s wartime consigliere.”

PETE: “I wanted firm, not Terminator.”

PETE: “You know, they couldn’t even identify it. It looked like goddamn Joshua tree.”

RUXIN: “I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.”

[ Jump to Episode 13, the Season 2 Finale: "The Sacko Bowl" ]