Own your very own Kluneberg from The League

If you watched The League, you probably imagined which character you were most like in your own fantasy football league.

Are you a Kevin? Married to an awesome wife? Generally happy about things? Slightly frustrated with the way your team turns out every year?

Or are you the Pete? Nonchalant? A master of the fantasy football puns? Divorced? Always wanted to drive a Crown Vic?

A Taco? Are you high right now? Or do you wish you were? Yeah, you’re probably a Taco.

And you’ll never get to see those vinegar strokes you dream about seeing.

We all know, deep down, you really just don’t want to be an Andre.

But that’s not the way to be. We should embrace our Andre-ism. Don’t you have a stupid hat in your closet that would look great with your new jacket if only your friends wouldn’t mock you for it?

Never fear. Be the Andre.

And what better way to announce your Andre-ism than with your own Kluneberg, straight out of Andre’s apartment decorating in Season 2.

Well, technically, it’s not straight out of Andre’s apartment. It’s on Ebay. But it’s the same difference. You’d be living the dream if you had it.

The League S02E04: “The Kluneberg” cannot be unseen

Rafi’s back and so is the hate! Oh, sweet, intolerant hate! I know I said I liked Rafi. I know I said we could use some more of him, but I swear that it was a moment of weakness. This week, he proved why we should all dislike him…and cherish him, just for one last time. But I don’t want to keep you hanging. Let’s do this thing.

First, a warning: this episode definitely contained things that cannot be unseen…but you’ll really want to see them (at least once). So forget I said anything. This warning is not a warning. Carry on.

Episode 4 begins with the league at Andre’s. He’s showing off his Kluneberg, a new, expensive painting of bird rape…or some kind of a hairy-umbrella-shocker sexual fetish.

It kind of looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Is that a hoo? I’m not really sure, but I was all but completely distracted by the talking TV-MA ratings box that FX covered Kevin’s head and the painting with for almost the entire scene.

Talking TV-MA box from "The League" S02E04

TV-MA frowns on you.

There’s a voiceover AND a written warning before the episode starts. That black box can’t go in a corner?

But forget the painting. Rafi is over to watch some football, and Rafi is back with a vengeance.

I’ll give Rafi one thing. He’s damn efficient.

He soon peaces out to go hook up with Molly, the girl Andre originally wanted to see at the party in Episode 2, and Taco takes a stand. He doesn’t like Rafi. Shockingly, neither does anyone else.

HATEFEST TIME!

Ruxin breaks down. He wants Rafi out, too, but he can’t get rid of family. So Pete hatches an idea: fake a fight to make Rafi thing the league has broken up and then put the league back together without him. I love the schemes. Covert ops are the best, amirite?

Kevin and Jenny take Taco for a walk. I think you have to do that from time to time with pets, but I was puzzled they weren’t following the leash law. They’ll regret that soon.

At the sight of a dumpster, Taco becomes a dumpster diver — YAY for loose crack needles! — and Kevin and Jenny bump into Russell, played by Rob Huebel, who is a friend of Andre’s.

Russell churns out some great one-liners about Andre’s fashion sense while Taco pillages the dumpster for a bunch of random crap. The only Taco discovery that really matters is a toilet seat. The man didn’t even have one before. Oh, Taco.

At the bar, Andre reveals to the gang that Russell is a sex addict, which they point out is totally a fake disease. Is it really an addiction if you just have no self-control?

Although, did you ever read the Deadspin dispatches from a sex addict? That sounded pretty serious with the chafing and all.

Andre and Pete start prepping for their fake fight to trick Rafi, and Taco takes off to get back to his toilet since he is tweaking without his toilet seat. When Rafi arrives, Pete and Andre take it outside and engage in one of the worst slap fights I’ve ever seen. That was Jerry Springer cutting floor material. Seriously.

Rafi gets into it at least and throws in a butter knife. This isn’t a hardcore match though. And then they take it too far when Andre calls out Pete for being divorced and unloved. Pete counters by calling out Andre’s fashion sense and ugly painting, which causes an Andre BULL RUSH!

Now THIS is a fight…but it’s soon over when Andre calls out the safety word, “Fidelio” (like oral sex with Castro?), and quits the league for real.

It’s couple talk time with Kevin and Jenny. Kevin bashes Rafi and confesses that Jenny should have been in the league. True statement, but that’s just asking for a fight. Jenny reveals that she’s going to be in Russell’s league, which is drafting tonight. How would you feel about your wife playing with a sex addict? What’s a sex addict draft like? Jenny doesn’t get Kevin’s warning that he’s a sex addict because, to her, sex addict = man. Hard to argue with that.

Meanwhile, Ruxin checks in on Taco to discuss a trade and finds him on his toilet having an “A Beautiful Mind” moment.

Pete, Kevin, and Ruxin try to figure out how to fix the damage they’ve done. Pete has to apologize. They can’t take the league down to six — eight is already pretty bad, guys. Teams of all-stars in that league.

And Ruxin reveals that Taco has gone batshit insane, which Kevin realizes is tied to a case he’s working (he’s an assistant DA, remember?). Coke smugglers have been using toilet seats to hide their drugs. That toilet seat Taco found in the dumpster is just one giant butt pad of cocaine. It’s like sitting on Mary-Kate Olsen.

Pete visits Andre to apologize and bring him back into the fold. All it took was a compliment on the painting. Easy.

Now on to problem No. 2: the guys host an intervention for Taco the cokehead (or I guess it should be cokebutt?), but Taco doesn’t want to give up his toilet seat. He says it makes him feel like the most powerful person in the bathroom. He caves after one last sit.

At Russell’s, Jenny shows up for the draft, but no one else has arrived. Sex addict talk leads Russell to explain that he’s not turned on by her in any way, but he turns himself on with a strawberry. Other turn ons: Birthday parties for old people, fresh-bought corn, a room full of marbles, tiny tomatoes…this guy is a strange dude. Jenny leaves before he gets out any peanut butter.

Back at the intervention, a drunken Rafi shows up with Ruxin and goes to the can for his patent pending “crap the booze out” cure for intoxication. This is all part of Ruxin’s evil plan: to get Rafi blackout drunk and then tell him he did horrible things and is out of the league.

But Rafi gets a hit off the coke toilet seat that Taco installed on Andre’s toilet in secret, which leads to a coke-fueled episode of dude banter and running that would put Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to shame. Rafi grabs Andre’s painting and vows to protect Jenny from Russell. Then he punches it and runs away. BOOM!

The league has to go look for him, and when they get outside, they find Russell’s car a-rocking. This couldn’t be Jenny, could it? (It’s soooo not. If you’re pure of heart, earmuffs for this next part. Just skip to the quotes.)

Kevin opens door to find…last chance to run away…Rafi getting it from behind from Russell. Yeah, baby! As Russell says, “I found a new trigger! It’s cocaine in a man’s beard.” It’s horrifying, and yet, with mixed emotions about Rafi, it’s hilarious. It’s just one of those things you can’t stop watching.

Luckily, this guy-on-guy lovemaking solves the Rafi problem entirely. Russell has a 12-man league, and Rafi’s all over it rather than playing in the eight-man league the guys have. Twelve is where it’s at. I would have to agree.

So Rafi tells the guys he’s leaving the league…while still getting it from behind.

The league needs one more player, and they decide to do the right thing by bringing in Jenny to manage Rafi’s team. She walks all over the candlelit, Skulls-esque initiation procedures and revives Andre’s old hazing nickname, “Dickcream,” when he protests. Veteran move.

Hate? Schemes? Drug abuse? This episode was a complete success. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. GOODBYE, RAFI! And now that I said that…he’ll be back.

Memorable One-liners from Episode 4

KEVIN: “Which part do you think is the dick?”

ANDRE: “This is just like Ocean’s 12.”

RUSSELL: “No, no, I’m all good on cat parts.”

TACO: “How much sex do you need to have before you know if you’re an addict?”

RUXIN: “My wife doesn’t let me do the serious stuff at home so I do it at the office. The weekends are the hardest.”

KEVIN: “He’s like a cockroach with a beard.”

RUXIN: “Well, I’m gonna leave. I’m never gonna come back, and I’m going to burn these clothes.”

KEVIN: “I got a sex addict trying to plow my wife, and my brother’s Pablo Escobutt.”

RAFI: “I am not going to let that dirty sex addict do to Jenny what this penis bird has done to butt mountain.”

ANDRE: “You guys hazed me for two weeks. I’m still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.”

JENNY: ” I will take this donkey of a team, and I’m going to turn it into a champion, Dickcream.” (Have to point out the excellent girl-on-girl trash-talk.)

Looking ahead at the next episode: I’m really glad that Rafi’s out. I’m also really glad that Jenny’s in. The league needed more Jenny. That’s enough to be glad about. I bet she’s going to win her game next week.

What are you looking forward to in next week’s episode?

[ Jump to Episode 5: "The Marathon" ]