Week 3 Starts and Sits: Poor Browns, the Vikings will destroy you

Keepers has some nice suggestions this week, so I thought I’d share the full vid of Matt Ufford’s talents.

I do not agree with jumping off the Michael Vick train, though he had a rough night tonight. I’m still a believer. All aboard.

But can we all be done with Ryan Mathews now? Continue reading

Astrological Super Bowl Predictions: Who’s Dancing in the Bayou?

There are many ways to predict the outcome of an NFL game. Some sites bring out the animal mascots or flip coins. Some dig through the numbers. Some claim to be gut-instinct experts. So when we looked at how we might predict the winner of this year’s Super Bowl, we thought why not look to the stars?

Stephanie Potter constructed the below Super Bowl predictions on behalf of Hollywood Psychics as a guest contribution for Fantasy Football Fools. Enjoy the read (and the astrological knowledge) and best of luck in your fantasy playoff leagues.

Every football fan hates to rule their team out from bringing home that Lombardi trophy, but during this time of the year, only the strong survive. In predicting who will head to the Super Bowl, there’s no better place to start than looking at division leaders and wildcard contenders from both an on-field standpoint, as well as an astrological one.

AFC Championship Prediction

While it is always smart to include the New England Patriots in any post-season prediction, this year I firmly believe that this team has what exactly what it takes to take down the AFC and maybe even the Super Bowl.

Coach Bill Belichick, born under the cardinal, action-oriented fire sign of Aries, is renowned for his use of aggressive gridiron strategies. Led on the field by two time Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady, this Leo (yet another fire sign!) has the passion and drive to piece together another season for the record books. The Patriots failure last year has only made them hungrier to get back to old familiar territory yet again.

Nobody likes to win more than a fiery Leo or Aries. However, it may be more difficult for the Patriots to make it to the big game this year with Jupiter in retrograde. Both Aries and Leo are affected by Jupiter’s retrograde within the realm of a career, more than any other two signs. As evidenced by a failure to secure a first-round playoff bye with a loss to the San Francisco 49ers, the path to the Big Easy may be less than…well, easy.

I predict that the AFC will be represented in the Super Bowl this year by the young, upstart Houston Texans.

Unlike the Patriots, this is a team that has not seen success in recent years and looks far hungrier than many of the other post-season contenders. There is a very special relationship that has formed with two highly influential people on the side of the Texans. Head coach Gary Kubiak and wide receiver Andre Johnson have been together since the get-go and the astrological relationship between the two creates a match that is infinitely unbroken.

Kubiak is a Leo, and his lion-like determination to succeed has finally been proven throughout 2012. His star wide receiver is a dependable, adaptable Cancer. While Leo is adversely affected by Jupiter’s retrograde on the career path, Cancers feel its effects by working doubly-hard, on top of their already diligent nature.

Where Kubiak may be on the other side of the goal posts (astrologically speaking) this time, as always, Cancerian Johnson has his back as Kubiak’s secret weapon on the field. Johnson has stuck by Kubiak’s side through the ups and the downs, and both men are about ready to take that Super Bowl stroll to New Orleans.

NFC Championship Prediction

In the former gold-mining capital of the world, the San Francisco 49ers harvest a relationship that seems to be very tough to beat. Second-year quarterback Colin Kaepernick bleeds all the characteristics of his Scorpio archetype. His calm demeanor mixed with his passionate bravado have left the 49ers atop the leaderboard in the NFC.

Head coach Jim Harbaugh’s dictatorial Capricorn characteristics tend to scare some people off, but his ambition to win is clearly seen in how his team plays on the field week in and week out.

Though this relationship was just recently made, Harbaugh has instilled trust within his young Scorpio. As is the case with many Scorpio-Capricorn partnerships, they are slow to fully bloom. While the Niners are a strong team and are poised to be a threat in the future, they will not likely make it to the Super Bowl this season.

The Falcons have seen excellent play this year and that shows through their record and statistical explosion on the offensive side of the ball. What many do not know is that there has been an influential relationship growing over the past four years, and this year, it has shown its maximum strength.

Quarterback Matt Ryan (Taurus) and veteran tight end Tony Gonzalez (Pisces) have proven to make a golden match. This astrological pairing works like a dream on the field, owing to Ryan’s steadfast Taurus nature and Gonzalez’s even, Piscean temperament. Ryan’s Taurus nature has reared itself this season as his dependable, hardworking attitude has placed him on a course for success. He has taken a bull-like approach to winning and finds support from his teammates, specifically Tony Gonzalez.

The harmonious team spirit (from both an on-field and astrological standpoint) will see the Falcons names engraved on a Super Bowl trophy in 2013.

As you can tell, there are plenty of options for who will come out on top this NFL season. Making predictions is tough, but one way to one up the rest of the crazy fans is to dig deep. Football is quite unpredictable, but when it comes to astrology all signs point to the future to tell us who will really emerge victorious.

My Predictions

AFC Champ: Houston Texans
NFC Champ: Atlanta Falcons
2013 Super Bowl Champion: Falcons

This guest article was written on behalf of Hollywood Psychics by Stephanie Potter.

5 Ways to Replace Monday Night Football During the NFL Lockout

The draft is over. The lockout continues. As of right now, we got no football. I’m getting cold sweats just thinking about it. But there’s another group that stands to lose if there’s no football this fall besides the coaches, players, and NFL fans — TV networks.

Without football, they’ll have to find someway to fill time on Sundays and Monday nights, and “Two and a Half Men” marathons just won’t cut it.

So where are our options? I dove into the talented depths of YouTube to find what could be our 2011 replacement for football. Here’s what you could expect to see on the airwaves instead of your beloved Week 1 matchup.

1. Sloths doing human things

I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound that interesting at first, but once you see a sloth holding an umbrella like it’s expecting rain and looking at you with those slothy sloth eyes, you get it. And they can follow it up with a “Real Sloths of Orange County” or “Real Sloths of Dallas” once the first season has run its course. People love watching animals do things that humans do.

2. Babies who fear normal human behavior

Blowing your nose can sometimes be an uncomfortable experience. I’ve almost launched a lung through my nose on at least one occasion. So I get this baby’s irrational fear of his mother’s nose-blowing. But they’re going to have to do better than that if they want to carry the 18-45 male demo in this time slot.

3. Extreme Cooking with Epic Meal Time

Speaking of that 18-45 male demographic, here’s your real winner. Take a little bit from the Iron Chef playbook, a little bit from the fat man’s guide to continuing to be fat, and alcohol, and you get Epic Meal Time, a YouTube experience that just reminds you of the way momma used to cook. You know, before she stopped drinking…

4. Slow-motion modeling

I think we can safely say that they wouldn’t lose any viewership replacing football with this. Female fans would easily be replaced by an influx of former NFL fans who felt that TV never showed the cheerleaders enough.

5. The UFL

While it is the most logical replacement for true, NFL football, would you be satisfied by the UFL? Would Daunte Culpepper and Brooks Bollinger excite you as much as a Tom Brady and Peyton Manning showdown?

We can only hope. Until the lockout is over, these are some of our best options from the world of entertainment. Could we build a fantasy game on top of these? Of course! And if it was fantasy extreme cooking, I’m taking bacon first overall ten out of ten times.

Pick your poison. Which of these options would you choose to replace our beloved NFL football this season?

Believe it or not, Peyton Hillis is the Juggernaut and More Scoring Leaders from Week 12

I believe it was Andrew Garda who started the #Juggernaut campaign for the Peyton Hillis’ nickname. Once again, it held true this week as Hillis ran over the Panthers for three touchdowns in brutal fashion. Nothing stops that guy. Nothing.

The proof of how great a nickname this is for Hillis is in the Wikipedia:

A juggernaut is a term used in the English language to describe a literal or metaphorical force regarded as unstoppable. It is often applied to a large machine or collectively to a team or group of people working together, or a growing political movement led by a charismatic leader, and often bears association with crushing or being physically destructive.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Peyton Hillis, RB, Browns: 131 rushing yards and 3 TDs, 6 catches for 63 yards vs. Panthers

Hillis crushed it in the first half of this one, and he didn’t have to do much the rest of the game to keep his fantasy owners happy. If you have Hillis, rejoice. If you don’t, well, at least you’re not Josh McDaniels. Not even a fantasy novice would trade Hillis for Brady Quinn. Complete fail there, Joshy Boy.

Dwayne Bowe, WR, Chiefs: 13 catches for 170 yards and 3 TDs vs. Seahawks

Bowe does. That’s the only thing I can say at this point. Just like those DROID commercials, Bowe DOES. He’s getting open against even stingy opponents (this one, for the record, not so stingy) thanks to the powerful run game that the Chiefs have put together. There’s no reason not to start him the rest of the way. I’m just as shocked as you are. I honestly didn’t think he, or Cassel, had it in him.

Tom Brady, QB, Patriots: 341 passing yards, 4 TDs, 1 rushing yard vs. Lions

Brady put together one of those classic Brady games against the Lions on Thanksgiving. He made all the throws and had a fire raging inside of him both on and off the field. The offense is certainly clicking, but remember: this was the Lions. I don’t know if Brady will be able to produce these stats against the Jets, Bears, and Packers in the next three weeks. But if he gets you to the championship, he faces the Bills.

Matt Cassel, QB, Chiefs: 233 passing yards, 4 TDs, 28 rushing yards vs. Seahawks

Cassel lucked out when Bowe broke out this season. He should have continued to look overpaid and overstarted, but instead, he’s putting up multiple touchdown games like he’s the less mobile Michael Vick. Will you ride him into the playoffs? Other than the Chargers in Week 14…it seems reasonable to expect you can.

Jay Cutler, QB, Bears: 247 passing yards, 4 TDs, 17 rushing yards vs. Eagles

Now THIS Is the Cutler I drafted, ladies and gentlemen. This week he gets the Lions, and I expect this streak to continue. If he could just start blowing people away like I thought he would all season, that’d be great, especially since I just lost Frank Gore.

Sam Bradford, QB, Rams: 308 passing yards, 3 TDs vs. Broncos

The rookie finally reached great heights, 300+ passing yards, even though it was just barely 300 passing yards. And there should really be a deduction when all the scores go to tight ends. Do you know what a wide receiver is Sam Bradford? Those things that can’t stay healthy for you. Well, there ARE still more on your team.

The rookie’s got a pretty nice schedule the rest of the way, if you’re daring enough to believe that this Week 12 performance was the start of his rise. I think this is a spike in his production, but it could carry over into Week 13 against the Cardinals.

Fred Jackson, RB, Bills: 59 rushing yards, 5 catches for 104 yards and 1 TD

Matchup proof? Just maybe. He was phenomenal when he last held the starting gig down in Buffalo, and he made it work this week against the Steelers rough defense. He’ll be tested further against a rejuvenated Vikings’ defense, the Browns, and the Dolphins. But if he’s the guy you have to lean on, I think you can count on consistent, if not spectacular, production.

Maurice Morris, RB, Lions: 55 rushing yards and 2 TDs, 5 catches for 20 yards vs. Patriots

Best really is done for the season, and Morris showed us what a healthy back can do in this offense. He was delivered to the goal line twice by the Lions offense and took advantage with his two scores. But now he’s really done for the year. There’s nothing pretty about the rest of his schedule.

Mike Goodson, RB, 55 rushing yards and 1 TD, 8 catches for 81 yards vs. Browns

The lone bright spot in this offense in recent weeks, Goodson looks like a future star. He shared time with The Daily Show John Stewart this week, but he should not lose more carries than he has already to the fellow runner. Goodson’s earning his spot for 2011, when DeAngelo Williams will probably be out-of-town. He’s not a bad start against the Seahawks in Week 13.

Deion Branch, WR, Patriots: 3 catches for 113 yards and 2 TDs vs. Lions

Branch’s precise routes and nose for the end zone made the Lions secondary, and especially Alphonso Smith, just look baaaad. Too bad you’ll never know which Patriots wide receiver not named Wes Welker is going to show up in the stats column in any given week.

Jacoby Ford, WR, Raiders: 13 rushing yards, 4 catches for 108 yards and 1 TD, 1 return TD vs. Dolphins

Ford looks like the only wide receiver worth trusting in Oakland. He had these numbers with Gradkowski at quarterback, but he have Campbell for the rest of the season. That’s still good news since Campbell was the one who “found” him a few weeks ago, but the Raiders would prefer to keep the ball on the ground if McFadden gets back to action. He still might because the Oakland schedule is pretty nice in Weeks 14-16.

Ben Obomanu, WR, Seahawks: 5 catches for 159 yards and 1 TD vs. Chiefs

The Chiefs were missing their best corner and let Obo break loose for a long score late in this one. Otherwise, his fantasy points wouldn’t have been nearly as generous. Still, he’s got significant value as long as Big Mike Williams is sidelined and retains some value even after he returns. It looks like Williams will be back for Week 13.

Earl Bennett, WR, Bears: 4 catches for 56 yards and 2 TDs vs. Eagles

Is this chemistry between the two former Vandy stars? Cutler sought out Bennett twice by the goal line, and while we can’t say it’s going to continue, Bennett isn’t a bad grab as the second wide receiver in this offense that finally seems to be clicking.

Billy Bajema, TE, Rams: 3 catches for 32 yards and 2 TDs vs. Broncos

Bradford loved his tight ends on Sunday, but Bajema is no great talent. He’s the only tight end in St. Louis with Hoomanawanui sidelined, but I still wouldn’t trust him in the fantasy playoffs.

Nate Kaeding, K, Chargers: 5/5 on field goals and 3 XPs vs. Colts

Not a bad game back for the recovering kicker. If your team is getting held back by a sub-par kicker, go snag Kaeding now that he’s back in action.

On defenses: The Chargers D/ST feasted on Peyton Manning’s interceptions in this one as he uncharacteristically turned the ball over a whopping four times. Don’t expect it to be so easy the rest of the season, but the Chargers D/ST has certainly come on at the right time for fantasy owners.

On productive Bills wideouts: Steve Johnson was not a winner on this list in Week 12, but I expect him to bounce back. As long as God doesn’t smite him for calling him out on Twitter, that is.