Dude… Jay Cutler

I know the Week 10 performance might have been expected from all the praise Jay Cutler had as a fantasy quarterback to begin the season, but he did fade a bit in the last few weeks. To his credit, Cutler also created huge fantasy days for four other players with his outing — Eddie Royal, Tony Scheffler, Daniel Graham and Brandon Marshall all thank you, Cutler.

Since being diagnosed with diabetes in the offseason and learning to manage it as a pro athlete, Cutler has looked like a Tom Brady-esque stud at quarterback and less like the tired-eyed Cutler that came into the league as the third quarterback drafted in 2006. Maybe he can finally rival his doppelganger on the Interwebs.

In a must-win Thursday nighter for the flailing Broncos, Cutler threw three touchdowns and 447 yards to beat the Browns in dramatic, come-from-behind fashion 34-30. That’s enough for even Drew Brees to say “Dude.”

If you, like me, don’t have the NFL Network — Thanks, Time Warner — you probably just woke up on Friday feeling a little giddy with no reason and maybe, for the more adventurous, even still drunk, never knowing that your Broncos all exploded your fantasy score.

The “Dude…” Award and a half-white, half-black, half-diabetic glove are on their way to Cutler.

Congrats to Cutler. For the sake of several of my fantasy teams, I hope the Broncos keep it up. It looks like they finally got back on the golden fantasy football track this week.

If you were wondering, yes, the black part of the glove we sent is actually made of chocolate; therefore, it will be functional in addition to just making a statement.

Players falling just short of dude-ism:

Eddie Royal, WR Broncos — Caught six passes for 164 yards and a touchdown, but dude… without Cutler, he just runs around all day.

Brandon Jacobs, RB Giants — Rushed for 126 yards and two touchdowns, but dude… he’d just eat anything we sent him without noticing and absorb it into his 260-pound frame of crushing force.

Tony Gonzalez, TE Chiefs — Caught ten passes for 113 yards and two touchdowns, but dude… he was good before the Chiefs were bad but just didn’t cut it this week.

DeAngelo Williams, RB Panthers — Rushed for 140 yards and a touchdown while catching one pass for three yards, but dude… he faced the Raiders, for one, and… only three yards receiving?

Maurice Jones-Drew, RB Jaguars — Rushed for 91 total yards and three touchdowns, but dude… it was the Lions.

Ricky Williams, RB Dolphins — Rushed for 105 yards and a score with 21 yards receiving off two passes, but dude… overlooking the fact that it was against the Seahawks, we’ve already awarded one Dolphins RB (Ronnie Brown). I’ll hold it away from Ricky until he has a great performance followed by a stoner quote to the press after the game.

Willis McGahee, RB Ravens — Rushed for 112 yards and two touchdowns with one catch for nine yards, but dude… I don’t count it unless I know for sure that he’s playing (and starting). Call it residual phantom-start rage.

Drew Brees, QB Saints — Threw for two touchdowns and 420 yards with three interceptions, but dude… Drew Brees throws 400 yards when he goes to the toilet and got picked three times by the Falcons.

Thomas Jones, RB Jets – Rushed for 149 yards and three touchdowns, but dude… the Rams stopped playing in the first quarter… and then again in the second. It’s unfortunate that a RB is so unlikely to rush for 400+ yards.

Adrian Peterson, RB Vikings — Rushed for 192 yards and a score and caught three passes for 33 yards, but dude… he’s Purple Jesus. He walketh on turf like water.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB Patriots — Rushed for 105 yards and a touchdown, but dude… his name would make the post title too long for me to award such a lukewarm performance. He does get bonus points for being known as “Law Firm” among his teammates though.

Foolish Thoughts on Week 10: Enter the tight end zone

Do yourself a favor and forget everything that happened in the first half of the season. As we’ve seen from the past two weeks, not every team is going to bow out of the season quietly. The Chiefs, 49ers and Seahawks might surprise a few top contenders before they put a nail in the 2008 season’s coffin, and the Broncos aren’t ready to fade out.

Denver’s still got it

The ‘Welcome Back’ cards are in the mail to Denver for Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler and Eddie Royal this week. It appears the potent Denver fantasy offense isn’t quite dead.

As long as the Broncos pass the ball effectively, opposing teams will be forced to pass instead of wasting time running the ball. Maybe it won’t matter that the Broncos couldn’t stop a light breeze for less than five rushing yards.

Unfortunately, the ‘Welcome Back’ cards are probably going to be slowed by all the ‘Get Well Soon’ cards I also sent to Michael Pittman, Andre Hall, Ryan Torain and Selvin Young. Peyton Hillis is now the last man standing in Denver — except for that Tatum Bell character. Watch you luggage, Selvin!

Peyton Hillis is a threat as a receiver and a decent pass blocker, and I see him handling the do-everything back role well for the Broncos. If they keep with what we saw Thursday night, the Broncos might use him mostly as a pass blocker and outlet pass.

Selvin Young would obviously take over if his hamstring was healthy, but at the rate he’s going, that it might be playoffs before we see the former Longhorn take the field again.

If the Broncos want to make a run at the playoffs, they’ll need a running game. For now, I’ll settle for Cutler throwing for 500+ yards every game. I mean, I do have him on a roster or two.

49ers pantsed again

The 49ers, notorious for turning over the ball with JTO under center, turned the ball over just three times in Monday night’s showdown. Shaun Hill threw two interceptions and had one botched snap taken out by a bumbling guard.

Minimizing turnovers against a defense that is fierce at home, especially in this close showdown, is a good sign for the Shaun Hill era (and the Singletary era).

San Francisco is going to be competitive down the stretch with Shaun Hill, Josh Morgan and Frank Gore, so don’t blindly start your defense against them without reevaluating how they measure up.

This little Thiggy went to market

It looks like all that the Chiefs needed was Tyler Thigpen and Mark Bradley to save their season. There’s two names we never though we would need to know at the beginning of the season.

Here in the middle of the season, the Chiefs the chance to become a fantasy savior with Tyler Thigpen, Tony Gonzalez, Dwayne Bowe and Mark Bradley all worthy of starts, they could be as productive as the Houston Texans fantasy players were prior to the Matt Schaub injury.

The Chiefs have plenty of potential shootouts and pushovers left on the schedule with the Saints, Broncos, Chargers and Raiders still to come.

If Larry Johnson keeps his hands off the ladies and returns to this team, he might actually be effective. The passing game is just dangerous enough to keep defenses honest.

For once, Johnson wouldn’t be the main target of opposing defenses, but he will still be a major target for opposing lawsuits.

Seattle a light at the end of the tunnel

Wipe the slate clean for Seattle if Matt Hasselbeck comes back under center at 100 percent. At the beginning of the season, we had Hasselbeck minus his best receivers, then we had a banged up Hasselbeck with a few of his receivers and now, in Week 11, we might finally see a healthy Hasselbeck with his best weapons, Deion Branch and Bobby Engram, on the field.

A nice day against the division-leading Cardinals might be the perfect time for the Seahawks to remind them why they haven’t seen the playoffs in a long while. At least, it might be…

Tight end zones are so hot right now

So Todd Heap (of crap) is NOT dead. Heap recorded two touchdowns and 58 yards against the Texans in a trampling just like his tight end brethren, Tony Gonzalez and Kellen Winslow. Kevin Boss should have had two touchdowns if he could hold onto the ball.

Needless to say, it was a good week for tight ends — Bo Scaife and Dustin Keller agree.

While Tony, Kellen and Boss are the real thing, I’m not anointing Todd Heap just yet, even with Derrick Mason looking to miss time with a dislocated shoulder. Heap’s two touchdowns were late in the fourth quarter, and his name is just too good for nicknaming purposes.

In Thomas Jones We Trust

Okay, okay, if you held onto Thomas Jones through his suckfest, you’ve been mopping with him in the last five weeks. That’s all great, and I’m happy for you and your trash talking.

But…because I know you wanted a butt here…you have to think that Brett Favre’s going to get back in it eventually. Perhaps against a questionable Patriots secondary? Or a weak secondary like the 49ers, the injured Bills or the pathetic Seahawks? (Watch out! That’s fantasy playoffs.)

Tennessee and Baltimore are football teams

I thought they were just a track team, but on Sunday, the Titans showed they can pass the ball as well. I guess I finally have to respect Kerry Collins — just like every other NFL team.

To congratulate you on proving your worth, your bottle of scotch is in the mail, Collins. Enjoy it on me. It might be a good way to celebrate the end of the season because this Titans team, even with the appearance of a passing game, is likely to not survive the playoffs.

The Ravens proved they were a complete team on Sunday by mopping the floor with the Texans on both offense and defense and collecting a safety and four interceptions. It was a Sage-like performance typical of what we have seen of the Texans’ backup quarterback this season.

Is Flacco the Roethlisberger equivalent for Baltimore to make it to the Super Bowl this year? I doubt it. The Ravens could easily still finish the season 8-8 with very few guaranteed wins in the final half of their schedule.

Besides, the Ravens have become the new Broncos with their running back carousel. As a fantasy footballer, I must frown upon that.

Can we use the ball machine?

Unfortunately, due to league rules and the inability to find a properly fitting jersey — Shaun Rogers and LenDale White special order — the Lions are not going to be able to start a ball machine at quarterback in Week 11.

Calvin Johnson was the most upset as he enters into the toughest part of the Lions’ schedule with little hope of making big plays.

Parting one-offs

Brian Westbrook is fine.
Jake Delhomme is fine.
Steve Slaton is fine.
Aaron Rodgers is mostly fine.
Jessica Biel is mighty fine
.
LaDainian Tomlinson is questionable.
Marc Bulger is trying to remember the question. Trent Green is no help.
Willie Parker is NOT fine.
And JaMarcus Russell is hopeless.

Dear Andy Reid, does the game move slower in your head, or do you just make it seem that way? What’s with that Philly clock management? It’s not like I could have used a Westbrook touchdown or anything…