Rafi is Bobbum Man

The League S03E05: Bobbum Man joins MyFace for Kevin and Jenny’s Sexiversary

Rafi is Bobbum Man

Since The League already destroyed the nurturing educational foundation of Ruxin’s child and Ruxin’s life in his own home, it seems we, at long last, are left with little but the mental side of Ruxin’s fantasy football game on our path to deconstructing Ruxin this season.

Ruxin’s leaving points on his bench, and the stress is going to drive him out of his comfort zone. His suffering — and sarcasm — will eventually lead to the creation of a beast more powerful than himself, Bobbum Man. But we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.

I’m going to have to continue to push the working theory that there’s a curse on the champion of the league…and maybe it’s still sticking with Andre a bit as well.

Unable to set an optimal lineup in fantasy, Ruxin is left to what we can only assume is his last resort, Andre, who brings him along for a yoga class in an attempt to relieve Ruxin’s stress.

In yoga, Ruxin reaches enlightenment through a tramp stamp with magical powers on back of the attractive female student downward-dogging in front of him. “Ohm”-ing while staring into the tramp stamp gives Ruxin the edge he needed, and he reaches “lineup nirvana.”

If we had known sooner that the best way to decide when to start Vincent Jackson and when to bench him was to stare into a tramp stamp, this season would have gone much more smoothly. I’ve suffered with that very same issue all season long, and with no tramp stamp or yoga students in sight, I guess I’m just going to have to stick with what this realm has to offer.

While Ruxin revels in his “lineup nirvana” victory on Sunday, Kevin gets a text from “Bobbum Man,” a character Pete created for a game called “phone chicken” they all played in college.

Within “phone chicken,” each of the league members had their own avatar, and the goal was to get the other person to hang up the phone as quickly as possible.

“Bobbum Man,” Pete’s character, is a sad, middle-aged man driving around in a van full of “equipmonk.” No word on whether the van has “Free Candy” written on the side of it or not.

Kevin played “Mundane Ejaculation Man.” Think vinegar strokes, and you’ve got it. Andre was “Crawdad Man,” who sounds only slightly more legible than Farmer Fran. And Ruxin was “Korean Dick Vitale,” who might have been my favorite (and the most racially insensitive). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see much of Ruxin’s portrayal.

Haunted by thoughts of the reawakening of Bobbum Man, Kevin receives a visit from Taco, who we can only assume played himself in any game of “phone chicken,” in the dead of night.

Taco breaks into each league member’s house at 4 a.m. in order to invite them to MyFace (which actually is an available domain name), an “offline’ social network he’s created to combat the ridiculousness of Facebook and Twitter.

By the way, you can find and follow us on both @FantasyFools or through our page on Facebook. /shameless plug

Frustrated by the intrusion, Kevin reluctantly agrees to join, and Taco welcomes him with a video message from Bobbum Man.

With users joining by the…let’s just say day, MyFace seems to really take off. At the bar, Taco presents his MyFace “wall,” which looks less like a Facebook wall and more like your high school science fair board with stolen pictures and yarn instead of fake experiment results.

Old pictures of ‘Fro Ruxin make him the star of Taco’s MyFace wall, in my honest opinion.

On the MacArthur home front, Kevin reminds Jenny that they have a big relationship milestone coming up — their sexiversary. But Jenny doesn’t remember the exact date, hence her position as the masculine one in the relationship.

Note: I’ll be using the Urban Dictionary spelling of “sexiversary,” but there are alternatives.

Determined to figure out the exact date, Jenny goes to Taco, who busted up their first sexual encounter and snapped a photo.

Not surprisingly, it’s not so easy. Taco put the picture on his MyFace wall, but before Jenny can see it, she has to crack her password, stumbling through some Taco-ized versions of the password hints we all get online.

Taco tests Jenny with MyFace security questions

(I don’t ever remember them asking me to rate my top 10 lesbian experiences or to choose between dildos and vibrators.)

With the mystery solved (Nov. 2, 2001), Jenny surprises Kevin with sexy lingerie and a candle. But Kevin’s just received a cryptic message from Bobbum Man on the front door, which, paired with a hooded, sunglass-ed figure watching outside while they attempt couch sex, spooks him from being able to celebrate the sexiversary with Jenny properly.

Angry at his sexual failure, Kevin accuses Pete and then Taco of being outside his window the night before.

The pieces come together when Taco remembers that he created an “offline avatar” for Bobbum Man: Rafi.

After Taco inadvertently inspired the monster to come to life, Rafi consulted Ruxin, but Rafi misunderstood Ruxin’s sarcastic mocking as an endorsement and ran with it…right across Kevin’s lawn…in anal rapist gear.

The league members all set out to find Rafi, who’s fully become Bobbum Man by now.

Taco leaves a message for Rafi on his MyFace wallAlong their journey, they find his current “equipmonk shed,” a basement full of chairs and a single “toilet-kitchen” bucket. They do find Rafi’s, er, Bobbum Man’s MyFace wall, but it is nothing but buts and knives.

Without any leads, the guys go their separate ways. Pete and Kevin continue the search for Rafi at night, but they soon find themselves going from stalker to stalkee when a shadowy, hooded figure appears behind them.

Running for cover, they get pinned in an alley between an “equipmonk” van and a raving Bobbum Man coming towards them.

Few options remain, and so they desperately go on the offensive, tackling the Bobbum Man and kicking him repeatedly.

Much to their surprise, Rafi soon joins them in the beat down.

It’s not actually Bobbum Man at all they attacked. It’s Crawdad Man. Andre was just trying to sneak into a yoga class after Ruxin got them kicked out for not taking it seriously. And in the process of leaving Ruxin a trash-talking voicemail, Andre finds himself the victim of a bobbum hate crime.

On the plus side, just before losing consciousness, Andre reaches lineup nirvana himself. What a masochist.

Also, if anyone ever goes by the name Apollo and tries to contact you mysteriously on craigslist…run.

Memorable quotes from Episode 5:

RUXIN: “I cannot set a good lineup. My bench keeps outperforming my starters. My bench is this magical, mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars. Like, if Kevin were on my bench, he’d be a 6’5″ billionaire who could sexually please his wife.”

TACO: “Yeah, I don’t care if it’s my dick. I don’t need to see a thousand pictures of it pretending to ride a dog.”

TACO: “I’m gonna tweet your face, Andre.”

PETE: “I think this has been happening for a while, Taco. It’s called ‘society.'”

RUXIN: “I don’t know what’s healing about stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.”

RUXIN [on Andre's grippies]: “I’m not planning on giving four people hand and foot jobs today.”

RUXIN: “Indian style is for kids at summer camp who got diddled by their Croatian wind surfing instructor named Goran.”

RUXIN: “And I look forward to using your bullshit, unicorn rainbow calisthenics to crush you.”

PETE [as Bobbum Man]: “He creepied up in the bobbum van, filled up with equipmunk for great grief for making at you underneath.”

KEVIN [as Mundane Ejaculation Man]: “OH, GOD, I’M GONNA COME. I’M SO CLOSE TO COMING, ANDRE.”

RUXIN: “What is a crawdad?”
ANDRE: “It’s like evil shrimp.”

RUXIN: “I mean, Korean Dick Vitale? You kidding me? [In Korean accent] ‘OH, THIS DIAPER A DANDY! AWESOME, BABY!”

PETE: “Why are you masturbating as ‘Crawdad Man’?”

TACO: “You’ve got mail! You’ve received a message from Taco.”

TACO: “You guys should form a MyFace group: “People Who Don’t Like Getting Their Houses Broken into at 4 A.M.”

TACO: “Are you content with the face you are currently displaying? … Sure you want to pick that face?”

TACO: “Say hello the newest edition to the world wide world, my MyFace wall.”

ANDRE: “Oh, Sofia’s on MyFace?”
TACO: “Oh yeah, she loves MyFace. She’s all over it.”

TACO: “And the link brings you to Jenny…and their mistake.”

PETE: “Couple of questions, real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity, why do you have to call it a vanity?”

TACO: “I’m gonna poke you!”
RAFI: “I’m gonna stab you…offline…with a real knife.

TACO: “Security Question No. 1: What color panties are you wearing right now?”

JENNY: “There are no letters in that box. It’s a spider with penises for legs.”

TACO: “Let him put it whereeeeever!”

ANDRE [staring at a but]: “I’m trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this girl’s sex boobs, but I’m not getting a thing.”

KEVIN: “And I want to put it in your bobbum.”

KEVIN: “Now I gotta play with my own equipmonk.”

ANDRE: “She told me, ‘Oh, go do an inversion on your moon cycle!'”

RUXIN [sarcastically]: “I don’t think that’s sarcasm.”

KEVIN: “When casting a sexual psychopath with a van, you don’t actually have to cast a sexual psychopath with a van.”
TACO: “But it’s so much easier. He already knows how to do it.”

RAFI: “…I’m not gonna blast any pigeons. I don’t do that anymore.”
RUXIN: “I think we have very different definitions of what pigeonholing is.”
RAFI: “I doubt it.”

KEVIN: “Easy, ticktock.”

ANDRE: “Where did all these chairs come from?”

RAFI’S SUPER: “That’s his toilet-kitchen.”

ANDRE: “How come my bobbum’s not on there?”
RUXIN: “What about these jeans with the angel wings and the knife going through it?”
ANDRE: “Yeah, I think it is. Okay, whew.”

KEVIN: “Truly, in the world, the last person I would ever want to be sodomized by would be Rafi. Truly…if I could pick. And by the way, when you are sodomized by a vagrant, not only are you sodomized by that vagrant, but you’re also being sodomized by everyone else that vagrant has sodomized.”

PETE: “As I envisioned Bobbum Man, it was much more of a general annihilation, not just about the ass.”

KEVIN: “YOU GO…and I’ll tell your story.”

RAFI: “Who are we kicking?”

RAFI: “This is how this is going to go down. We’re going to need to get a rug, a bone saw, and condoms.”

RAFI: “This is how it ends, Brian. Get used to it.”

Own your very own Kluneberg from The League

If you watched The League, you probably imagined which character you were most like in your own fantasy football league.

Are you a Kevin? Married to an awesome wife? Generally happy about things? Slightly frustrated with the way your team turns out every year?

Or are you the Pete? Nonchalant? A master of the fantasy football puns? Divorced? Always wanted to drive a Crown Vic?

A Taco? Are you high right now? Or do you wish you were? Yeah, you’re probably a Taco.

And you’ll never get to see those vinegar strokes you dream about seeing.

We all know, deep down, you really just don’t want to be an Andre.

But that’s not the way to be. We should embrace our Andre-ism. Don’t you have a stupid hat in your closet that would look great with your new jacket if only your friends wouldn’t mock you for it?

Never fear. Be the Andre.

And what better way to announce your Andre-ism than with your own Kluneberg, straight out of Andre’s apartment decorating in Season 2.

Well, technically, it’s not straight out of Andre’s apartment. It’s on Ebay. But it’s the same difference. You’d be living the dream if you had it.

The League S02E13: “The Sacko Bowl” Kicks Off [Season 2 Finale]

Let’s not struggle with the sadness of this moment, that a season of The League is once again coming to an end.

Let’s, instead, celebrate what we have been given: a new champion, a new reason to look forward to next football season even if our fantasy football team sucks again in 2011 (there will, after all, be a Season 3), and at least a handful of new vocabulary words you can sneak into your TPS reports like “vaginal hubris,” “vinegar strokes,” and “rankings slave.”

So let’s not treat this like the end. Let’s treat this moment like a new beginning. And let’s celebrate “The Sacko Bowl” for all its glory.

We’re back in this.

Before the championship game, the league comes together to force Andre to give up The Dre, his perversion of the Shiva, and sacrifice their annual offerings. For the sake of simplicity, Kevin resorts to calling the trophy The ShiDre, and I will, too.

Jenny gives The ShiDre a hemorrhoid pillow in remembrance of the Andre incident in Vegas at the beginning of this season. Ruxin sacrifices the Kevin Federline hat that Andre gave him for Christmas. (He would be a regifter.)

And Pete offers up The Sacko since Andre will probably be stuck with it once he loses to Taco.

At the bar with Pete, Kevin’s miserable because he’s dreading Jenny winning the trophy and forcing him to stare at it for an entire season. But he only gets more miserable the more Ruxin gloats.

“Smartass Kermit” brags that he’ll be the one to bring home the trophy and then proceeds to poll the bar patrons about who to start in his flex spot, Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

As Ruxin acts as “census taker,” Kevin’s able to listen in because he has learned to read lips by watching porn on an iPhone while in the shower. It seems Jenny hasn’t been around to heat up the bedroom lately since she’s been working so hard on her fantasy football team. He’s had to resort to his special skills.

To escape from the Ruxin reign of tyranny inside the bar, Pete takes Kevin outside for a surprise, his new Crown Vic. Kevin doesn’t understand why Pete would buy a cop car.

You see, driving a Crown Vic doesn’t make you a cop, but being a cop almost certainly means you drive a Crown Vic. It’s not really an easy stereotype to escape.

On the home front, Kevin and Jenny discuss her lineup for the week. Kevin’s concerned about her starting Steve Johnson in the week he plays the Jets and Darrelle Revis, but she won’t be swayed by his talk of matchups.

This is how secretaries who don’t watch football win every office league, by the way.

Things haven’t been easy for Andre this season. When he arrives at the bar complaining about his streak of bad luck, the guys tell him he’s being punished by Shiva for destroying the trophy and remaking it as The Dre. He’s got “DRAIDS.”

But Andre’s not the only one that’s had a tough year. If you remember his stunning loss in “Kegel the Elf,” Kevin’s not doing too great either.

Ruxin tells Jenny that she emasculated Kevin by dominating in fantasy football, and Jenny seems to believe there’s some truth to that.

At a loss for who to start in his flex, Ruxin consults Rafi at the gym. He’s fighting chicks. “It’s erotic.” Dominating his league, Rafi tells him his method is just to “jerk it out” and stop thinking so much.

But Ruxin’s not that kind of guy.

To force Ruxin to decide, Rafi puts him into Dirty Randy’s “stuffed pepper” hold, and Ruxin coughs out Donald Browns just before he loses consciousness.

Lots of priceless quotes from Rafi here. Kind of makes you missed that guy and his “murder boner.”

With the games upon us, Pete’s embracing his new cop image by collecting free sandwiches and needlessly harassing hot chicks on the street with Taco.

Meanwhile, Jenny’s seeking out the sausage place that Kevin likes to do something wifey for him and ease the emasculation and depression he’s suffered from her dominance in her first year in the league.

But before she gets there, she can’t help but drop into a trophy store along the way. Inside, she asks about the largest trophy they sell but gets quickly buzzkilled when she sees Andre, having a replica made of The ShiDre.

The close contact with the former champion instantly curses Jenny with her own case of the DRAIDS. It’s not looking good for her season. At least that roster’s already set?

Back at the house, Kevin’s looking at just that. Kevin swaps Steve Johnson for Percy Harvin due to matchups and jumps in the shower convinced he’s helped Jenny win the Shiva Bowl.

Next thing he knows, Jenny throws open the shower curtain Psycho-style to tell Kevin she’s got the DRAIDS. Now with her roster altered, she’s doomed to fail, and Kevin’s caught jerking it to his silent picture porn in the shower by his own wife. Masculinity fail.

Time to face the music.

On Sunday, Kevin, Jenny, Taco, and Pete sit disgusted as they watch the football games roll on while Ruxin dances maniacal around the room in celebration. He’s going to take home the championship, and everybody knows it.

Taco, in losing, looks to be the winner of The Sacko, even though he can’t understand why he gets it for losing a game instead of winning.

But Andre’s in for a surprise. There was a recalculation of Joe Flacco’s touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin, and in that recalc, the pass was reclassified as a handoff. So instead of having a 4-point win, Andre gets a 2-point loss and The Sacko. “First to worst.”

At this moment, Andre’s greatest time of weakness, Ruxin marches in to collect The Shiva from him, but Andre’s not ready to give it up.

Andre races up to the roof of his condo before Ruxin can catch him. And while locked in mortal combat, Ruxin and Andre accidentally let The ShiDre drop off the building and into the windshield of a parked car. Finding the driver less than pleased, the gang starts to try to talk their way out of it, but he’s got no mercy for fantasy football.

Luckily, Pete arrives in his cop car to take everyone but Ruxin away to safety. Technically, the trophy is Ruxin’s and his problem to handle.

At least the league is nice enough to pick Ruxin up after he’s done getting booked.

Emerging from the police station, Ruxin’s insanity has reached a new level. And as he places the winner name plaque onto the trophy and announces his reign of terror, the malevolent forces welling up inside of him as he Shiva blasts seem to cause a solar eclipse.

Kind of reminds you of The Dark Crystal, no? Only me on The Dark Crystal reference?

So what does this mean for our league? For the world? Will we ever play fantasy football again?

Given the pivotal moment here, I think it’s best we end things with Pete’s words: “Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!”

See you all in Season 3.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 13:

JENNY: “ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre’s backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.”

TACO: “You’re going down, Dr. No Dick.”

TACO: “I’m gonna burn your nipples, bitch.”

KEVIN: “I hate fantasy football. And it’s the only thing I ever really loved.”

PETE: “Look, look. He’s the census taker. He’s polling around everyone on the planet asking ‘em the same question.”

KEVIN: “Well, I have this phone that I just downloaded all this filth on. And I bring it into the shower, and I turn the sound off so I don’t get caught.”

KEVIN: “I’m a very verbally-stimulated person. I need to know how good she needs it…why he’s delivering that pizza there. Plot points!”

KEVIN: “Well, did it come with a mustache and a bad attitude?” (about Pete’s car)

PETE: “Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to actually drive the speed limit?”

RUXIN: “You’ve been worshipping false idols, Andre.”

PETE: “I think you have the DRAIDS.”

JENNY: “And you are going to lose. And you’re going to go home, and you’re just going to savage your pud.”

RAFI: “Can I get the knife now? Is that cool? AHH! When are we gonna fight with the knife?”

RAFI: “Uh, the winner gets to punch the loser in the face as hard as he can…Yeah, it’s a dominance league.”

RAFI: “Thinking is pointless like motorcycle helmets.”

RAFI: “I don’t know what the technical term is, but Dirty Randy calls it the Stuffed Pepper. Do you feel it?”

RAFI: “Concept of extinguishing a human life really gets me aroused…It’s called a murder boner.”

TACO: “Okay. ‘Cause you can’t arrest me. You gave me a sandwich. This is entrapment.”

JENNY: “Are those sandwich bags?”
KEVIN: “Yeah. They work so good.”

RUXIN: “The beautiful flower that you see before you needed sunlight. It needed soil, but most of all, it needed manure. And that’s where you shit people came in, and as your leader, I love you as I will love all of my subjects. ‘Cause you’re shit people. But you’re my shit people. Beat you!”

TACO: “Six points from Flacco means you get The Sacko…from Taco.”

RUXIN: “Wow, it pierced this like it did Andre’s asshole.”

RUXIN: “Free at last. Free at last. Oh, Shiva, I am free at last.”

RUXIN: “Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin.”

[ Relive all the previous episodes of The League ]

The League S02E12: “Kegel the Elf” Is Watching You

Season 2 is coming to an end. And while I’m sad to see it go, it went out with a bang with “Kegel the Elf” and “The Sacko Bowl” both in the same night.

“Kegel the Elf” takes us to Ellie’s school Christmas concert. Kevin and Jenny watch on with pride while Pete joins them because he is hot for teacher–Ellie’s teacher, that is.

After the singing is over, Miss Martin, Ellie’s teacher asks to speak to Kevin and Jenny alone. It seems Ellie’s been drawing “the flex,” otherwise known as Cadillac Williams during art time, runs incredibly elaborate three-way trades at lunch, and has started to act like the class bookie.

All of that would seem to make a father like Kevin proud, but Ellie’s also telling other students to “take a ride on her suck stick.” And that’s not exactly one to stick on the fridge.

Being the good parents that they are wish they were claim to be, Kevin and Jenny can’t figure out where Ellie’s gotten her foul mouth, but they bring in some reinforcements in the form of an “Elf on the Shelf,” a doll that parents use to make kids behave by tricking them into believing the elf is a spy for Santa.

When they first introduce the new elfy companion to Ellie, she continues to complain about bath time and finally storms off after demanding that they “stop busting my balls.” Kids really are the most innocent of us all.

At the bar, Ruxin and Kevin are in the heat of trash-talking battle. They’re facing off this week in the playoffs for a spot in championship game. The rest of the league isn’t nearly so excited about this week since they are already out of the hunt, except for those who are still trying to avoid the Sacko Bowl.

That honor includes Andre, who claims to enjoy not being in the playoffs. At least until Ruxin tells him he’s invisible. Pete doesn’t even notice the soy-recovering member of the league when he arrives at the bar.

Pete laments that he’s not getting any from Ellie’s hot teacher just yet because she just had a kid last year. Things get even scarier when Ruxin explains that Sofia and he didn’t have sex for six months because Baby Geoffrey “blew the church doors wide open.” In other words, “Baghdad’s not ready for the Olympics.”

Being medical and such, Andre suggests a vaginal weight specialist could help strengthen her vaginal wall for the sexy time, which leads to jokes about vaginal Strongman competitions pulling Mack trucks with labias. “This was fun. Now you’re making it gross.”

Back at his evil household lair, Ruxin gets a box in the mail, which he assumes is from Kevin, especially when it’s full of stinky, old eggs that make his son cry.

To carry out the most important Ruxin family value, revenge, Ruxin crafts a deadly chicken-milk stink bomb and disguises it inside a pretty Christmas package so that no one will suspect a thing.

Back at Kevin’s house, Ellie decides to name her elf “Kegel,” which isn’t exactly what Kevin and Jenny had in mind. But Andre claims that it was Kevin, and not he, who used “suck stick” in the league trash-talking.

It’s starting to look like Ellie’s behavior is poor parenting and not the bad influence of the league.

Pete asks Jenny to meet him for a drink to discuss Miss Martin’s confidence issue since Jenny has vaginal hubris.

And to make sure Jenny’s willing to talk to Miss Martin for him, Pete threatens to show Miss Martin Jenny’s latest video post on the league message boards, which would surely lead her to call another parent-teacher conference that might interfere with Jenny’s precious lineup tweaks on Sunday morning.

Having delivered his stink bomb, Ruxin gets a visit from Taco to ask if Ruxin had received his old eggs. Taco had planned on passing them down through his family until they became 1000-year-old eggs, and he sent them to Ruxin for safekeeping as his lawyer.

Taco’s ridiculous plotting aside, Ruxin now realizes his mistake and has to find some way into Kevin’s house to get back his stink bomb gift before it explodes. That wouldn’t really be a fair gift exchange for the wine-of-the-month club that Kevin and Jenny bought him.

Taking Pete’s deal, Jenny invites Miss Martin over to meet Andre and have him explain vaginal strengthening and conditioning. But Miss Martin’s already been working with Stu Beagle, a doctor with whom Andre seems to have a history. Something to do with a wine bar and losing a shirt, but that’s not important to Jenny.

Miss Martin tells Jenny that she is speeding through Dr. Beagle’s program and is “stronger than she has ever been.” She asks Jenny not to share this info with Pete, and Jenny not surprisingly agrees. Why would she give Pete a heads up that he’s about to enter the jaws of life?

Ruxin goes into Mission Impossible mode to infiltrate Kevin’s house and find his stink bomb.

Inside, he is quickly discovered by Ellie, but she thinks he’s another Elf on the Shelf. Ruxin promises a crap-ton of ridiculous presents–pony included–if Ellie will retrieve the one present he dropped off.

But when she returns, he also does a good deed for Kevin and Jenny by giving Ellie some straight talk about how she’s been a dick and needs to man up and behave. Not wanting to be a dick, she agrees to change her ways. But sadly, no one will ever know how Ruxin did something nice.

Soon after her promise to change, Kevin awakes and hears Ellie talking downstairs. Ruxin falls out of a window trying to escape and lands right on his own stink bomb. “I’m forever unclean.”

Meanwhile, Pete finally gets to experience the full power of Miss Martin, and it’s more than he bargained for. Her jaws of steel end of crushing his little man.

Sunday comes, and Jenny quickly secures her spot in the Shiva Bowl thanks to the three hours Pete had to spend in the hospital getting realigned instead of setting his lineup.

Ruxin’s forced to watch from outside Kevin’s house because he still stinks from falling on his own stink grenade. But he’s still in it, winning by just one point in his matchup with Kevin.

Akers is the only player Kevin has left, and as the Philly game winds down, the Eagles line up Akers for a kick, which (if made) would give Kevin 3 points and a spot against Jenny in the Shiva Bowl.

Fully aware of the suspense of this moment, Taco announces that he’s set up an egg nativity scene in the front lawn to celebrate Eggs-mas, and Ruxin follows him around to the eggs to blame Taco for his stink bomb suicide and to wish a pox upon Taco’s eggs.

In typical Ruxin fashion, seconds later, he’s praying to all the gods he can name that Akers’ kick misses, sending him and not Kevin to the Shiva Bowl.

Given the inevitability of this moment, Pete starts to lament the all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl since Akers is a top kicker with no wind…but that’s the jinx.

The kick hits the post.

Kevin’s sent into a spiral. Taking it outside, he rants about the trouble the league puts him through each season as commish, trouble he puts up with only to lose every year.

He takes out the anger on anything in sight, including Taco’s precious eggs. But he puts the worst on Ellie, his own daughter. “Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there’s no Santa Claus, and there’s no Christmas. There’s no God. There’s no Easter Bunny. There’s nothing. Nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing…nothing!”

He takes it pretty hard. But I can’t blame him. Being one point away from any victory is horrifying, but a one-point loss that would have put you in the championship game? That’ll make you sick.

Having endured the weekend, Kevin and Jenny get called in to see Miss Martin for another parent-teacher conference.

This time, she’s got the video evidence Pete turned over of Jenny describing her metaphorical destruction Pete’s vagina and asshole that week in the league, which explains Ellie’s bad influence once and for all. It’s Jenny.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 12:

KEVIN: “I knew we were going to have a dick kid. I knew it!”

RUXIN: “No, you are fading away like that photograph in Back to the Future. And until McFly screws Caroline in the City…you’re gone!”

ANDRE: “Oh, like you didn’t like that Iron Man 2 replica mask.”

PETE: “Would there be such a thing as a vaginal Strongman?”

PETE: “It is decided. It is decided. It is…decided.” (of course, with the voice Pete used)

KEVIN: “I’m an elf. I’m Santa’s wartime consigliere.”

PETE: “I wanted firm, not Terminator.”

PETE: “You know, they couldn’t even identify it. It looked like goddamn Joshua tree.”

RUXIN: “I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.”

[ Jump to Episode 13, the Season 2 Finale: "The Sacko Bowl" ]

The League S02E11: Death, Lies, and “Ramona Neopolitano”

Men learn at a very young age that boobs are distracting, and Ruxin proves this when his own wife starts breastfeeding his 19-month-old son while smoozing a client at dinner. Clearly, his son has already taken notice.

Is 19 months too old to be breastfeeding? I have no idea, but the client’s reaction paired with his kid appearing to be the size of Andre leads me to believe this is not normal.

Speaking of Andre, he’s taken to bringing his own snacks to the bar as part of his pure soy diet. When one of those homemade snacks causes him to choke momentarily, Taco reveals that he’s writing obituaries for everyone in the league, predicting their sudden and untimely demises in a very Taco way. At least he’s prepared.

K-dog, a.k.a. Kevin, calls into Fantasy Sports Radio with fantasy experts John Hansen (Is that Chris Hansen’s brother?) and Adam Caplan to ask whether he should start Robert Meachem or Mike Wallace. They tell him to roll with Wallace, despite how close they are in the rankings.

An important caveat here: when you consult anyone about your fantasy roster, their decision will inevitably prove to be your downfall. It happens every time. If you ask who to start, the one you sit will be the better player that week.

You can try to be tricky. Some people may ask another who to start and then go against the advice in order to win out in the end. But it doesn’t work. Somehow the fantasy gods know what you were trying to pull, and they make sure that the player on your bench outperforms your starter.

Such is fantasy football. Moral of the story: It’s usually best to live or die by your own hand.

Now back to the show.

Pete’s at the office (Wait, Pete has an office?) working on his fantasy team (What else do you do in your office?) when he gets called into see the bossman.

His boss pulled Pete’s Internet records, which prove that all Pete does is look at porn and fantasy football. Some would argue that those are the two main food groups of the Internet.

Pete’s offered a chance to keep his job if he can help his boss compete in his fantasy league with the other VPs. Pete’s boss needs the “Reaking Haddocks” to win the next two weeks to save face.

But as fate would have it, Pete gets stuck in the elevator on his way up to his office to set lineups for Thursday Night Football. He’s forced to go into superhero mode, jump into the ceiling, get a bar, and pry the doors open. A suit who happens to be in the elevator at the time wants to thank him, and the woman he saved wants to date him. But with only one thing on his mind, Pete bolts to a computer to try to get lineups set in time for kickoff.

Unfortunately, he only has time to lock in one lineup…and he chooses his own. Pete dooms the “Reaking Haddocks” to fail by not setting a starting quarterback before the rosters froze.

That weekend, as we would have expected, Meachem has a big week. Kevin’s fit that follows leads Pete to call him a “rankings slave” for taking rankings as gospel without consideration for any other factor.

Normally that’d just go down as friendly banter between leaguemates, but Jenny confirms that Kevin has a real problem with rankings by pointing out his purchase of the Neopolitano Ramona cappuccino maker, which Kevin bought because it was the No. 1 cappuccino maker even though he never uses it.

Taco appropriately updates Kevin’s obituary so that he’s prepared when Kevin’s No. 1 ranked GPS leads him straight off a cliff. Taco’s prediction, not mine.

Watching his team fall apart for another week in a row and pumped full of soy that’s giving him lady parts, Andre hits a breaking point and has to leave. Taco updates Andre’s obit to detail how he sadly succumbed to ovarian cancer in 2014.

In a moment of desperation, Ruxin decides to call into the same Fantasy Sports Radio show, but in order to get them to answer his question, he has to fabricate a story about his first wife’s death.

Sofia overhears his sad tale and assumes Ruxin’s been hiding his first wife’s death from her all this time. Under the pressure of being confronted and caught in a brief lull in creativity, Ruxin tells Sofia that his first wife’s name was Ramona Neopolitano.

I bet she liked cappuccinos.

Infuriated by Meachem’s outscoring of Mike Wallace, Kevin calls back in to take it out on the hosts of the Fantasy Sports Radio show. But the hosts just call him a rankings slave, too. When his complaints continue, Fantasy Guru John Hansen bans him from the show…for life.

Unsurprisingly, Pete finds his boss fuming about getting shafted with an illegal lineup when Pete goes into work the next day. He attempts to fire Pete there on the spot, but the suit that Pete saved back in the elevator must be the VP of perfect timing.

The suit just happens to be passing by when the firing takes place and demands that the “hero” be protected. He’s a company man, after all.

Just goes to show you that looking at nothing but fantasy football and porn while you’re at work makes you management material. Have we learned nothing from Office Space?

On Sunday, Ruxin invites the league over to watch football at his house, but he must first prep them that his wifey now believes she’s the second wife of a widower.

But more importantly, soon after arriving everyone notices that Andre’s got some soy-induced manboobs and is going through “manopause.” At least he’s done with “manstration.”

To get out of the heat of his own hot flashes, Andre escapes upstairs and takes his shirt off. Is that cool for house guests to do? Do standard etiquette rules apply when you grow manboobs? So many questions.

Jenny arrives later than the rest of the crew to Ruxin’s with the Kevin’s famed cappuccino machine. Kevin’s decided to give it up since he never uses it, and his loss is the Ruxin family’s gain.

But Sofia reads the brand name (Neopolitano Ramona) and instantly realizes she’s been duped by Ruxin’s widower tale. As the claws come out along with various foreign slurs, she kicks the league out of her house.

Meanwhile, Andre’s still recuperating upstairs when Geoffrey, Ruxin’s son, finds him crying in a bedroom. Andre’s tears cause Geoffrey to cry as well, which compels Andre to pick the child up…only to discover Geoffrey’s talent for latching onto the nipple.

At the end of a long day of games, Kevin once again decides to call into the radio show for advice. Since he’s banned, he’s speaking through Ellie, but the hosts aren’t fooled.

They ban Ellie from the show, too. It’s no fun for the whole family.

Memorable Quotes from Episode 11:

RUXIN: “What’s she gonna do? Is he going to be at little league and she’s gonna to have to be in the dugout squirtin’ it out if he needs a little taste?”

RUXIN: “I’m just worried that he’s going to end up weird. Not like serial killer weird, but like fat, ambisexual church receptionist weird.”

TACO: “Pete (no known last name) died in 2071. He loved to watch TV…that’s all I have.”

BOSS: “It’s clear to us that you have been working on…not work…but on fantasy football as well as some out there porn sites.”

BOSS: “Be honest with me. Do you have Asberger’s?”

TACO: “You have manboobs.”

KEVIN: “I haven’t made decisions for myself since the day I got married.”

PETE: “Godspeed…oh King of Chardannay!”

ANDRE: “I don’t have a diary. I have a dream journal!”

TACO: “Leche de mama…ON TAP!”

PETE: “Is there such a word as better than perfect?”

[ Jump to Episode 12: "Kegel the Elf" ]

The League S02E10: Time for a “High School Reunion”

High school reunions are a special kind of awful. No one really wants to see their old classmates. If they did, they’d arrange to meet up with them on their own.

People go to their high school reunion is to prove they are better than their high school selves. You go, as Ruxin so aptly put it just a few episodes ago, to show your friends that you’re better than they are. The league is no different.

In fact, a fantasy football draft is a form of a reunion. You come back, year after year, to either 1) waive your championship trophy around or 2) prove you’re better than the team you drafted last season by starting fresh.

In the case of The League, Ruxin found himself a hot wife. Andre’s got a baller job and the Benjamins to match. Kevin’s a successful lawyer with a family, which I guess is impressive. And even though we can’t really tell what Pete does for a living, at least he appears able to land dates since his divorce. Of course, Pete does have those fantasy championships under his belt.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a “High School Reunion.”

Pete wants a new trophy, a last place trophy to celebrate the terribleness of the most horrible team in the league.

But before they can name said trophy, Andre announces the upcoming North Winnetka High School reunion. He’s been looking forward to this opportunity to rub his success in the faces of the former classmates that abused and walked all over him, but no one else cares to attend.

Enter Frank “The Body,” also a fellow classmate.

Frank just happens to go to the same barbershop as Ruxin, and in their a combative exchange, Frank brags about having a hot wife, Miss Kiev 2004, and explains why Ruxin was called “The Herdsman” in high school. SPOILER ALERT: Ruxin used to date the chubby girls.

Ruxin claims he became “The Herdsman” only because he was less shallow than the rest of the league, but Pete’s description of Ruxin as a hyena, taking any scraps of meat that he could find, seems more like the Ruxin we know and love.

After his run-in with Frank, Ruxin’s determined to bring his very hot wife to the reunion to prove her existence. So Pete makes a game out of it. The league members agree to go to the reunion in order to name the newly-created last place trophy after the worst person they find there.

Back at Taco HQ, Taco catches a piggy bank to the face mid-sexing and explains the battle wound to the guys as a casualty of his “vinegar strokes,” another one for The League lexicon.

Vinegar Strokes — The point during a sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes a face like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose. As Kevin puts it, a bee could be stinging your eyeball, but you gotta finish.

According to Taco, if you look into a man’s eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul, but, strangely, no one among the league has ever seen another man’s vinegar strokes to prove this theory. Thus, a new Taco obsession is born.

At Andre’s, Taco shows Andre a DVD of his attempt at filming his own vinegar strokes that just so happens to take place all over Andre’s apartment and, more specifically, right on the desk at which Andre sits.

By the way, how does Taco get into everyone else’s place? I would change my locks…

Taco explains that he is putting together his masterpiece, his vinegar strokes symphony, and wants to complete it before his high school reunion. But unable to capture his own vinegar strokes, Taco asks if he can watch Andre have sex.

You just can’t count on your buddies anymore these days.

At the reunion, the very first person Andre runs into tells him how sorry she is to hear about what happened to him. He finds that his perfectly-crafted bio has been ruined with an even more fictional addition about Andre getting sack-tapped so hard that he lost a testicle and had a nudicle implanted in its place. Now Andre won’t be able to tell anyone that the nudicle is a lie without creating suspicion about the rest of his masterfully crafted bio and success story. Kevin truly is evil.

Ruxin and Sofia arrive dressed like Barbie and Ken and showing plenty of PDA. She leaves Ruxin only for a second to get drinks, but that’s long enough for him to get stuck with one of his more “Herdsman” ex-girlfriends and for Frank “The Body” to swoop in to introduce his model wife.

Lucky for Ruxin, Sofia returns to save his pride. The burn of seeing Sophia, a true hot wife, sends Frank running for Andre to ask about plastic surgery to get his “6” wife up to an “8.” (You get what you pay for when you import.)

Not to be left out, Taco attends the reunion as well, even though he wasn’t in the same class as the rest of the guys. Taco’s there for a different reason–vinegar strokes. After all, reunions are always a place for “sexing” and bad decisions.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Pete single out “Box of Frogs,” the guy who broke into Pete’s mom’s car, had sex, and left the condom on the steering wheel, as the No. 1 contender for the loser trophy name. Pete ends up at the bar talking to “Box of Frogs” Stu, who offers him a six-figure job finding and securing local bands for Stu’s music website. Even though Pete loves the sound of this job…he won’t get it. And this will also be Kevin’s fault.

While tearing up the dance floor to the quietest dance music ever and singing his own song entitled “Look At How Hot My Wife Is,” Ruxin confesses his fantasy of having sex in a high school to Sofia. Whether it’s the hot wife thing going to her head or just the punch, Sophia agrees. Clearly, the rich just get richer.

Those two immediately slip away, but Ruxin stops to remove a “Ruxin Call Me!” sign from the school mascot, a bull, and unknowingly unlocks the fence that’s holding the bull at bay.

Pete, being that mature individual that he is, chose to think over the job Box of Frogs offered him while smashing Box of Frogs’ window and hanging a used condom that he “made” from the steering wheel. But in the midst of explaining this victory to Kevin, Shiva, and Andre, Shiva drops a bomb on Pete.

Kevin was actually the one who had sex in Pete’s mother’s car…with Shiva. Shiva took Kevin’s V-card. And Kevin was so excited when he finished that he kicked through the window and screamed her full name. So the first Shiva blast was Kevin’s vinegar strokes.

Pete tries to undo the damage he’s done, but he runs into Box of Frogs a minute (and a clean-up job) too late.

In search of the roaming bull, all the reunion guests start wandering the school and end up walking in on Ruxin’s vinegar strokes with Sofia while the bull, which found its way to them, watches and while Taco films what he hopes is Ruxin’s soul.

Unfortunately, we’ll never know if there was really a soul inside there.

After the events of the reunion, Pete decides the last place trophy will be called “The Sacko,” named after a bull scrotum in honor of the league itself. And that’s fitting because the league members themselves are the worst people he knows.

Memorable quotes from Episode 10

RUXIN: “Pete, do you have anything to fill your sad existence of a life besides fantasy football?”
PETE: “Absolutely not…do you guys?”

PETE: “It should be wrong to have this thing. I mean, literally, like showing up on an airplane with a tuna fish sandwich.”

RUXIN: “I see all the people from high school that I wanna see, and I don’t even enjoy that.”

KEVIN: “Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.”

PETE: “That is how we embrace. Ridicule.”
KEVIN: “Yeah. And shame.”

ANDRE: “The vest WORKS. You seen Mark Harmon on NCIS lately? It works.

TACO: “High school reunions are like office parties except, the next day, you don’t have to see the other person at work. Trust me, mistakes will be made tonight. People will be sexing. And when they do, I’ll be there to capture it!”

[ Jump to Episode 11: "Ramona Neopolitano" ]

5 Ways to Replace Monday Night Football During the NFL Lockout

The draft is over. The lockout continues. As of right now, we got no football. I’m getting cold sweats just thinking about it. But there’s another group that stands to lose if there’s no football this fall besides the coaches, players, and NFL fans — TV networks.

Without football, they’ll have to find someway to fill time on Sundays and Monday nights, and “Two and a Half Men” marathons just won’t cut it.

So where are our options? I dove into the talented depths of YouTube to find what could be our 2011 replacement for football. Here’s what you could expect to see on the airwaves instead of your beloved Week 1 matchup.

1. Sloths doing human things

I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound that interesting at first, but once you see a sloth holding an umbrella like it’s expecting rain and looking at you with those slothy sloth eyes, you get it. And they can follow it up with a “Real Sloths of Orange County” or “Real Sloths of Dallas” once the first season has run its course. People love watching animals do things that humans do.

2. Babies who fear normal human behavior

Blowing your nose can sometimes be an uncomfortable experience. I’ve almost launched a lung through my nose on at least one occasion. So I get this baby’s irrational fear of his mother’s nose-blowing. But they’re going to have to do better than that if they want to carry the 18-45 male demo in this time slot.

3. Extreme Cooking with Epic Meal Time

Speaking of that 18-45 male demographic, here’s your real winner. Take a little bit from the Iron Chef playbook, a little bit from the fat man’s guide to continuing to be fat, and alcohol, and you get Epic Meal Time, a YouTube experience that just reminds you of the way momma used to cook. You know, before she stopped drinking…

4. Slow-motion modeling

I think we can safely say that they wouldn’t lose any viewership replacing football with this. Female fans would easily be replaced by an influx of former NFL fans who felt that TV never showed the cheerleaders enough.

5. The UFL

While it is the most logical replacement for true, NFL football, would you be satisfied by the UFL? Would Daunte Culpepper and Brooks Bollinger excite you as much as a Tom Brady and Peyton Manning showdown?

We can only hope. Until the lockout is over, these are some of our best options from the world of entertainment. Could we build a fantasy game on top of these? Of course! And if it was fantasy extreme cooking, I’m taking bacon first overall ten out of ten times.

Pick your poison. Which of these options would you choose to replace our beloved NFL football this season?

The League S02E09: Never Use Your Friend as an “Expert Witness”

We never have gotten to see the league members in their unnatural environment: their jobs. Sure, in Season 1, we saw Kevin and Ruxin negotiate a plea bargain and a trade of the No. 1 overall pick, but we never saw them in court.

Pete’s been in an office, but we’ve never seen him working. And Andre’s been seen in scrubs and in commercials, but he’s never performed a surgery on the show.

We’re in for a treat this week, as the league decided it was “Take Your Fantasy Football Leaguemates to Work” Week in “Expert Witness.”

Taco is at Kevin’s trial this morning. It seems his cable’s out so he’s subbing out “Judge Joe Brown” for Kevin’s workplace, plus popcorn. But Kevin won’t have it, and the judge will have even less.

At the bar, Ruxin explains his big case. A fugly got in a car accident, sued the brake company, and used the money to pay for her plastic surgery. Now, as a super hotty, she’s suing for emotional distress. It’s in the bag, or so Ruxin thinks. In Ruxin’s own words, they “paid for her own personal episode of The Swan.”

His secret weapon is his “work flirt,” the judge for this trial.

This launches a discussion of “work flirting” as a practice. Ruxin swears by it, but Kevin completely shut his “flirt thrusters” down when he got married. Pete explains that he “strained a testicle” by not keeping his flirt muscles active during his marriage. Sounds painful.

After that PSA from The League, I have to be a little worried. I’m engaged and my flirt thrusters are completely shut down. In fact, they have been for years. So hopefully, I’m never forced to spring them back into action. Am I the only one? Do any married guys out there have “flirt thrusters” on full throttle?

Hearing about Ruxin’s case, Andre adds that women who have plastic surgery lead better lives. It’s the discovery of the century: Hot women have it easy. Who knew?

In what will never be seen as his finest hour, Ruxin seizes the moment and asks Andre to be an expert witness in his case. Andre gets far, far too excited about it. First warning sign!

Andre proceeds to start a conversation about sausage places downtown, which gets Pete involved. If you’ve followed the show, you’ll know that Pete often likes to steal Andre’s thunder via one-upmanship or trade rape. He lets no moment pass when he might be able to make Andre feel like less of a man.

Pete claims his sausage joint is the best, and he invites the gang to eat at HIS place, his treat, so that they can see how right he is, which infuriates Andre to no end.

Back at home, Kevin finds out that Peyton Hillis is out this week. What?!? Oh, right. This is fictional. And it’s not like I own Peyton Hillis in any of my leagues anyway.

It’s not like I would care if he’s hurt and not racking up double-digit points for his owners this week in fantasy football. It’s not like I’M BITTER about that, after having thought of him as a great late-round sleeper and then neglecting to lock him up in the early part of the season. NOT. BITTER. AT. ALL.

But Kevin makes the mistake of revealing his need for a running back in front of Jenny, who happens to have the first priority on the waiver wire this week. Poor, poor Kevin. Never talk about your waiver wire needs in front of another owner unless you know, for certain, that they have a later pick than you. In fact, just never talk to another owner about the waiver wire.

Enter collusion. Kevin himself proposes a bribe: Good sex for Mike Bell, Hillis’ backup. Jenny counters by forcing Kevin to do all of Ellie’s thank you notes in order to earn the right to pick up Mike Bell. And it’s a deal.

By the way, did you notice how Jenny’s drinking a beer and holding the remote to the TV while Kevin sits on his laptop and begs for a draft pick in this scene? Clearly, Jenny wears the pants in this relationship…but we already knew that.

Back at the courthouse, Taco catches up with the courtroom artist to get a play-by-play of the day he missed. Ruxin ducks away from having to talk to him and runs right into his “work flirt,” the judge. He lays it on thick for her, as usual, before blowing off Taco and getting back to work.

At Kevin’s house, Ruxin and Kevin have Andre in Kevin’s mancave garage trying to talk him through how to be an expert witness. Andre wants to wear “To Catch A Predator” glasses, against the advice of Kevin and Ruxin. They have to coach him out of using “double guns,” to stop trying to play humble on the stand, and on how to tell the truth no matter what. But the pressure becomes too much for poor Andre. He goes into a blinking fit.

Jenny reminds Kevin to do Ellie’s thank you cards, and Kevin’s immediate acceptance makes Ruxin suspicious. Rightfully so. Ruxin goes on a rant and sniffs through Kevin’s computer, but no luck. He can’t even find an answer in Jenny’s underwear. Is everyone in this episode trying to come off like a sexual predator?

Andre confesses to Kevin that he needs a trade and reveals that he plans to persuade Taco to trade with him. Against all odds, he thinks his sexual predator powers can bend Taco to his will. *Shivers*

The gang gathers for pizza, and Andre brags about having eaten an entire “Wide Load” pizza. Pete, seeing another opportunity to steal thunder, asks Andre if he’s ever tried the “Holy Stromboli.” Pete claims that he’s eaten the entire thing. Twice.

Taco interrupts this sad little game to reveal his love affair with the courtroom artist. She drew him a sex sketch. Now he has to send her one of his own.

Brett Favre must have really good freehand skills.

In hopes of swaying Taco to trade, Andre volunteers to sketch Taco naked. Raising the stakes, Kevin volunteers Andre to shave Taco’s shaft for him since he’s done it as part of his job as a plastic surgeon. That’s the dark side of plastic surgery, kids.

In Ruxin’s office, Pete recognizes the brake lawsuit girl. She used to work in his office.

Pete wants a hook-up, but Ruxin, once again, has a not-so-great idea. He wants to put Pete on the stand as a second expert witness.

Ruxin, even I see how this one is going to fail.

When Taco shows up for his sketch, he finds Andre in a Professor X-looking head massager. It freaks Taco out, but Andre doesn’t have to do much to make that happen. (See: Nosferatu vs. Andre)

Andre dives further into the depths of super-creepy artist mode and sketches Taco down to his junk. It’s both magical and disturbing as they discuss the wilt and the bend of his member, but segueing right off of that horrific conversation, Andre pitches a trade to Taco. Having already logged into Taco’s account, Andre pulls out a laptop to seal the deal. It wasn’t too easy to crack Taco’s password since his team name is “Password is Taco.” Uncreative and easy to crack. Double foul.

The deal they strike is David Akers for Ray Rice, and Taco accepts. This trade is why we have to have vetoes, people. That’s a terrible deal. But it’s not my place to veto trades in The League.

In watching Andre make the trade, Taco brings his junk front and center in front of Andre’s face. It pains me to describe it in full detail, but Taco ends up giving Andre a shoulder massage from the front. So he does do something from the front after all…

When Pete comes in to pick up Andre for a movie, this massage scene Taco has trapped Andre in, of course, looks like a blow job. Game, set, match, Andre.

At the trial, Andre’s nervous, and Pete’s arrival to “steal his thunder” again doesn’t help him.

Ruxin takes the asshole approach to questioning the victim of the brake accident, otherwise known as being Ruxin. He plays it cool and tries to make her look like a hot girl complaining about the pains of being attractive. It works to an extent.

But the case really starts to come apart when Andre takes the stand claiming to be “Slim Shady” and employed as an “expert witness” with the double guns. Ah, the double guns. He even brings out the pedophile glasses and the pedophile jokes.

Andre’s pit stains don’t sway the jury as Ruxin had hoped.

So Ruxin moves swiftly to his next witness, Pete.

Pete’s testimony goes a little more smoothly until he admits to having called the plaintiff “Das Dinga” before her plastic surgery transformation, accented by Ruxin’s thing-like screech at the jury. So much for getting a date with the Das Dinga 2.0, Pete.

At the tail end of his testimony, Ruxin puts Pete on the spot about whether Kevin colluded with Jenny to get Mike Bell. Under oath, Pete can’t lie, and the court erupts with Kevin, Andre, Pete, and Ruxin screaming at each other.

Ruxin’s brought back to the judge’s chambers, and to win his trial, he’s asked to fulfill the flirtation he’s perpetuated with his “work flirt.”

Meanwhile, the courtroom artist tries to tell Taco that her husband is coming. Like with most things, Taco doesn’t connect the dots. When the husband storms in, he gets caught trying to slip out.

In trying to hit Taco, the husband throws a piece of evidence straight into Das Dinga’s new nose, and then chases Taco into the judge’s chambers, where the league finds “Dog Ruxin” taking his licks from the judge with a bone in his mouth.

At the end of an eventful day at the office, the gang takes Ruxin to prove he can eat the “Holy Stromboli” just like Pete did.

Turns out, Pete never did it. He just made it up to steal Andre’s thunder. Poor Andre.

Memorable quotes from Episode 9

RUXIN: “Dude, when you’re married, you have to keep a work flirt. It keeps the flirt muscles limber. Otherwise, you tense up. You could pop a hammy like Pete did when he got divorced.”

TACO: “If I ever got plastic surgery…ASIAN EYES.” [Pointing at his face]

ANDRE: “Ohhh, we’re gonna go out to lunch with my bro-bros!”

PETE: “I’m not stealing your thunder. I merely escorted them to a more interesting storm.”

JENNY: “Do you not try your best now?” [on Kevin's sexual efforts]
KEVIN: “I will give you 100 percent for four minutes, and then like 60 percent for five minutes after that. And then after that, you’re on your own.”
JENNY: “You naughty little commissioner.”

RUXIN: “I don’t know you here.” [Said to Taco as Taco tries to say "hello" to Ruxin in the courthouse]

RUXIN: “My guess is a country entirely populated by fans of Aerosmith.” [on what country Andre's proposed outfit for his court appearance would represent]

RUXIN: “Oh, good, so you look like a crafty sexual predator.”

RUXIN: “Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I’ll do something menial like take the trash out. And we have a loving marriage.”

RUXIN: “They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis (whispering) ’cause he had it out for me.” [on whether he'd ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia]

JENNY: “Sad little man, NO!” [while slapping Ruxin's hand away from her underwear]

TACO: “I don’t use front anything.” [on why he didn't come through the front door]

RUXIN: “She really captures your inner hobo.” [on Taco's portrait by the courtroom artist]

RUXIN: “How many shafts do you think you’ve shaved?” [to Andre]

RUXIN: “I could watch you flick it…?” [to the judge, when asked to beg like a dog]

TACO: “Nothing happened, okay? We just had sex.”

[ Jump to Episode 10: "High School Reunion" ]

The League S02E08: “The Tie” is No Way to Retire as League Commissioner

You get no love for being a league commissioner. It’s a thankless job, but the good ones have the respect of their league even when they aren’t in agreement. And the very best ones have dirt on every member of the league.

That comes in handy when there’s drama, when league members turn into assholes…or when they show their assholes.

The trash talk has gotten serious this week. Before the games even begin, Ruxin gives his best impression of Ace Ventura’s talking butt, minus the pants. It’s ugly when buttholes are involved, but Ruxin is pissed that Kevin refused to help him substitute a player on his starting roster.

Ruxin’s butthole blasphemy on the league site is too much for Kevin, who claims there are no personal attacks on the message boards. So he removes the post.

I don’t know about your league, but my league posts almost all personal attacks on the message boards. What else are they good for besides trash talk? That’s the best thing about the message boards. In fact, I thought that’s why they were invented. Just like the Internet was invented for porn, forums were invented for personal attacks.

By the way, if you didn’t get the conversation about Andre resembling Nosferatu, Google Image Search that. It’s a worthwhile comparison.

Nosferatu vs. Andre

Taco’s weekly distraction doesn’t take long to surface. He fell out a tree, broke his wrist, and discovered Western medicine in the emergency room. Apparently, up until now, Taco was oblivious to modern medicine, among other things. So he now worships Andre and his medical degree. See? Andre doesn’t always play the lame one.

But still, see the Nosferatu versus Andre comparison.

Meanwhile, Pete met a friend in the park who has promised him Bears-Vikings tickets for a “favor.” Since the league believes “favors are gay”–they never would have made it in the Mafia–they convince Pete that this guy is also, in fact, gay and trying to get in Pete’s pants by giving him the free tickets. Either way, Pete has no idea that the Bears-Vikings game won’t be very exciting. 27-13 Bears.

The Kevin and Ruxin feud leads to a team name battle as both league members change their team names to send a message–The Kevin’s Micro Dongs, The MacArthur’s Crotch Nubs, and The Ruxin Looks Like A Middle-Aged Lesbians.

But when Kevin’s failure to sub out a player for Ruxin causes him to tie Andre, Ruxin goes over the edge.

After a rapid sequence of team name changes and league name changes, Ruxin fires back by naming his team “Fear Boners.” That’s too much for Kevin, and he hangs up his commish spurs.

A league without a commish is no league at all.

As we learn from Pete later in the episode, “fear boner” is one of the unmentionables…but obviously not enough of one not to mention it to Andre and Taco. Pete tells them the full story: Kevin got an erection in an alley when Ruxin, Pete, and Kevin were approached by an intimidating black man. Awk-ward.

Since Kevin’s out of the picture as the league’s former commissioner and with no one to stop them, Ruxin and Andre decide to break their tie with a footrace through the park, like something out of Lord of the Flies, according to Pete.

Hidden gem moment: Taco tries to start them with a real gun. Where does this guy get a gun? Fortunately for all, saner minds prevail. And the race begins.

After about 30 seconds of awkward flailing and panting, Andre and Ruxin near the finish line. In the final stretch, Ruxin goes down. But was it incidental contact or interference? No one can make the call.

Luckily, a gay couple is having a commitment ceremony just up the hill from the finish line, and the two are happy to oblige (without their knowledge) by surrendering their tape to the league as an instant replay machine.

As if we needed more reason to suspect Pete is in over his head on this tickets scheme, Pete runs into the man who promised him the tickets at the ceremony, lending more credibility to the league’s theory that he’s trying to get in Pete’s pants.

After checking the tape, the league determines it was incidental contact, not a push. Ruxin fell down. And so, Andre is the winner.

But during the booth review of Andre and Ruxin’s race, the league fills Pete’s head with the key warning signs that this guy is looking for loving: jazz music, a lit fireplace, and a silk robe.

And what a surprise! When Pete goes to pick up the tickets, jazz music, a (fake) lit fireplace on the ol’ LCD, and his “friend” wearing a silk robe are all there. The tickets are even out on a table in a lovely little envelope. How is it that you pay prostitutes again?

In a fit of awkwardness, Pete reveals that, while he thought he could, he can’t even pull off even a hand job in exchange for the tickets…just as his pal’s family enters the room. And as if he could have still recovered from that mistake, the dreaded “fear boner” strikes Pete.

As any sane person would do when a stranger explains that he can’t provide a hand job, asks if you’re gay, and then proceeds to pitch a tent, the “friend” in the silk robe kicks Pete out. So Pete gets no tickets, despite his best efforts to steal them on his way out the door.

How do you get strong-armed by a guy in a silk robe? Pete, you used to impress me, but that’s just shameful.

On their way out the apartment that night, Andre and Ruxin bump into the not-so-happy couple in search of their missing wedding tape. The newlyweds are ready to kick their asses.

Andre and Ruxin are forced to run into the park at night, closely followed by two cops. When they are discovered in the bushes together, they find no pity from a gay cop, who arrests them for giving “us” a bad name.

Cool and calculated, non-commish Kevin comes to bail the two out, but he’ll only bail out the one who was faster…unless they admit that they tied. Ah, what a masterpiece. Kevin would make it in the Mafia.

In the end, Kevin forces Andre and Ruxin to admit that they tied. Order is restored. Kevin is commish again. And Andre goes a little Titanic on Kevin, putting his hand on the glass.

Kevin does not reciprocate, but Andre probably could have earned himself some Bears-Vikings tickets…

As always, an episode just wouldn’t be complete without the musical stylings of Taco. This episode ends with Taco and Kevin singing “Fear Boner” and “Pete’s Little Tiny Erect Dick,” which compares Pete’s member to a pink Q-tip in classic The League fashion.

Memorable one-liners from Episode 8

KEVIN: “Ahhhh, it looks like a rusty balloon knot.” [Hiding eyes from Ruxin's anus]

TACO: “Is that why you plucked your mane?” [Reaching for Andre's bald head]

TACO: “I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.”

RUXIN: “Yeah, the Kevin’s Micro Dongs are best at coming from behind.”

TACO: “Washing your hands is healthy? I did it because it felt good…”

RUXIN: “Parks are like the Club Med for homosexuals. But instead of Jamaicans, it’s hobos.”

KEVIN: “A tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table’s done, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Fantasy football is about proving that you are better than your friends, not equally as good as your friends, okay? It’s not communism. We’re not coveting Billy Joel cassette tapes and wearing ill-fitting blue jeans.”

KEVIN: “I’m going to see a girl, and I have an anticip-erection!”

PETE: “In one single moment, he was cowardly, gay, homophobic, and racist–the perfect quadfecta.”

PETE: “I enjoy both or your unorthodox running styles: you with the shrieking girl thing and you with the escaping mental patient.”

PETE: “We’re like a frittata Lord of the Flies, man. Help us!” [to Kevin as Ruxin and Andre race]

RUXIN: “You’re gay?”
GAY COP: “I’m gay!”
ANDRE: “But you’re a cop?”
RUXIN: “Yeah, but he’s got a mustache.”

TACO: “It’s hard to stay soft in a frightening world…” [first line of "Fear Boner" by Taco and featuring Kevin]

[ Jump to Episode 9: "Expert Witness" ]

The League S02E07: Watch out for the “Ghost Monkey” this Halloween!

In this holiday episode, The League celebrates “Adult Halloween” with Kevin in the burbs, Ruxin suffers at his own hands, forced by Pete to set the lineup that he will play against, and Taco sets in motion a series of events that could lead to monkey rape…It’s a Halloween episode, people. Get excited.

This episode is all about Halloween (obviously), and Kevin is planning the loot for the trick-or-treaters while Jenny works on a Brownie uniform. Wrongly assuming it’s her Halloween costume, Kevin immediately starts to talk it up as the sexiest thing he’s ever seen, only to discover that it’s ACTUALLY Ellie’s real Brownie uniform.

Must. Wash. Eyes. Ears. Face. And burn clothes.

Days later at the petting zoo, Kevin laments his poor judgment and the loss of “sexy” Halloween outfits like the sexy Brownie uniform, a college girl outfit staple you just don’t see from co-eds after you’ve left campus.

Halloween is the best excuse girls ever have to insert “sexy” in front of a character of any kind and go out in public. Halloween in college is greatness that knows no end…except graduation. I’ll admit, I didn’t see that loophole coming when I started writing that sentence, but moving on, if you waste college Halloween by studying and staying in, YE SHALL BE PUNISHED.

As fathers, Ruxin and Kevin both reflect on this differently: Kevin, as a father of a daughter, has to carry the largest responsibility, worrying about every dick in the world, of which Ruxin’s son is only one. Unless he’s some sort of freaky Lady Gaga…well, let’s save that for another Google search. The “worrying about all the dicks in the world” father joke is a little overplayed these days, but I like that The League threw it a bone. It’s what every father’s always thinking…as far as I know.

You have to be pretty ballsy to promise an owner full control of your roster. But if Pete’s one thing, it’s ballsy. He promises Ruxin that Ruxin can set Pete’s lineup in their matchup this week as long as he doesn’t make any add/drops. With Ruxin’s fate truly in his own hands, this can only end well for everyone but Ruxin.

Soon, it’s time to leave the petting zoo paradise, much to Ellie and Taco’s dismay. But Taco takes a passenger, the monkey that he grew attached to during their visit. First of all, who has a monkey at a petting zoo? And second, who has a monkey at a petting zoo? I’m serious. The only monkeys I ever saw were at the zoo or providing security in India. Petting zoos when I was growing up consisted of goats, sheep, and dogs. Who gets monkeys? My childhood was a failure.

But on the car ride home, the monkey can’t stand Andre’s horrible Pandora playlist, inspired by Ke$ha, who really spells her name with a money sign and somehow made being drunk and slutty cool with the kiddies. If you asked me, that’s what fathers should be worried about. Just watch this video. She made a record for people who are alive. ALIVE! Niche audience, I guess.

Andre’s going nuts, and his screams combined with the soothing powers of Savage Garden drive the monkey over the brink. The furry fellow decides death is better than sharing a car with Andre and flies out the window and into the wild…if you can call a suburban neighborhood “the wild.” If it’s where Ke$ha lives, I think you can.

Crisis averted? Sure. Fine. Let’s say that.

Meanwhile, Ruxin’s sweating the matchup against Pete’s roster. He’s laboring over whether to start Pierre Thomas…and here we finally encounter one of the few goofs in the show’s guesstimation engine of who will and won’t be studs each week of the fantasy season.

Pierre Thomas is still banged up (even now), and he might never retake his stud status this year with the backfield confusion in New Orleans. But in the world of The League, he’s a stud who could start for Pete against Ruxin. Ah-ha! Caught you in a mistake, The League. That’ll teach you to try to predict an entire football season…wait, I guess that’s what we do every week…

Back in a world that doesn’t hear voices and sweat profusely like Ruxin, Kevin and Jenny are once again getting excited about Halloween with an adult beverage cart and the works. But Kevin’s idea of dressing up Jenny as a Vietnamese prostitute is dashed–much to his amusement–when Ellie interrupts their brainstorming of sexy racial stereotypes to remind Jenny that she promised to be a big, fat frog for Halloween. That’s a sexy fail.

At the bar, Andre explains that he’s the Mr. October of picking up the ladies, especially with his “You poor, poor girl” routine, which has a 6 percent success rate. Andre swoops in after a tragic event to play the hero, and he reaps all the rewards. And by rewards, I mean lady parts. And by lady parts, I mean…okay, this isn’t biology, kids. Google it. You can figure it out from there.

Ruxin arrives at the bar, still in a panic about Pete’s roster and fishing for any kind of info or advice on how to play himself with Pete’s lineup. Even his trash-talkin’ is rattled and un-Ruxin-like. Sad day. Ruxin’s trash talk is usually tops of the league.

And then in an even greater tragedy, Taco brings his monkey anxiety into the bar. He can’t find his animal friend, and he’s scared. Taco manages to pass on his fear to the rest of the guys, believing that the ghost of the monkey is on the prowl in their neighborhood biding his time in wait like some kind of tiny Predator alien.

We saw what the monkey could do against the petting zookeeper, who lost a finger to the mean critter before it was “removed” from the facility, but I’m still not too scared.

That night, Ruxin pays a visit to Kevin’s house like a freaky, emo Twilight vampire and surprises Kevin while he’s taking out the trash. He’s talking crazy talk and seems like he’s been wandering the streets for hours. The monkey screams heard in the distance cause him to hallucinate about Pete, Percy Harvin, and Cadillac Williams coming at him from the shadows.

On a related note, I would actually buy that there’s a Cadillac Williams ghost. Maybe not his real, human ghost but some kind of leg ghost, left behind from one of his surgeries. His legs have seen so many horrible, horrible injuries. I’m sure they’d be scary in ghost form.

At last, it’s Halloween! Rocking a cop-out costume as a doctor, Andre takes advantage of Kevin’s “yank bank incident” by having his “You poor, poor girl” date dress as a sexy Brownie, but that can’t kill the mood this evening.

Neither can his date’s request for ecstasy, and her admission that she blacks out when she drinks vodka. Ke$ha, is that you? Regardless, dare I say…this is going to be a good night?

Taco’s too scared to wear a costume…but that’s okay because he doesn’t know anyone else is wearing one anyway.

Pete and his date, Darcy, show up, and she has to explain what Pete has already discovered to the rest of the gang. She’s actually a witch who doesn’t celebrate Halloween. (Pete met her at the petting zoo, where she was dressed as a “sexy” witch, in case you forgot.) Bummer. But Taco immediately picks her brain about monkey curses, much to Pete’s enjoyment.

Taco and Darcy decide to retreat to the garage to try to connect with dear Potato, the monkey, and find out if he is at peace. Surprise! He’s not. He’s pissed, and Taco’s “Ghost Monkey” song, while entertaining in parts, was a long and drawn out way to anger the monkey even more. Taco has to find a way to make a sacrifice for Potato.

In the midst of drink cart refills, we see Mr. Mc Gibblets make a cameo. Unfortunately, the gang restrains Kevin, and he’s only able to shout after the “tickle me and touch my belly” star.

Crazy Ruxin appears out of nowhere. He’s completely insane after losing to Pete’s lineup, even after setting it himself, and Pete makes sure to rub it in to the fullest, as if he knew all along that Pierre Thomas would end up in his lineup and win it for him.

To celebrate, Andre cues up his terrible music, and Taco starts banging the beat. Jenny tries her best to out-sex the Sexy Brownie date, but she is no match in the fat frog suit. Sorry, Jenny. Fortunately, her moves do catch someone else’s eye…

Potato, the Ghost Monkey, screeches into the night to break up the adult festivities. Everyone scatters, but Jenny, held back by her giant frog head, falls down.

Just like when you’re running from a bear, you don’t have to be the fastest one among your friends, you just have to be faster than one of them. So Jenny is left behind to fend for herself against the Ghost Monkey. It’s not pretty, but on the plus side, at least the monkey only humped the back of her head. He could have found the mouth hole. (I know, I know. That’s what she said.)

When Jenny finally makes it inside, her clothes are torn to shreds…and without the frog parts, she’s actually turned her fat frog suit into a pretty sexy little outfit. Too bad the monkey wore her out of humping for the rest of the night.

As a last desperate attempt, Kevin tries Andre’s “You poor, poor girl” routine, only to get shutdown by Jenny. Lesson No. 1 of Pickup Lines: Never use it if she’s heard it before. Lesson No. 2: Don’t use pickup lines on your wife. Come on, Kevin.

Memorable one-liners from Episode 7

KEVIN: “I’m the creepy guy now…How’m I going to delete this from my yank bank?”

KEVIN: “When you have a daughter, you have to worry about everybody’s dick. There are so many dicks around here.”

PETE: “Monkeys land on their feet. They’re like masturbating cats.”

RUXIN: “I feel like Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes except without the old lesbian stuff.”

KEVIN: “Can I make a suggestion? Filthy Vietnamese prostitute. Now I’m not talking about one you get on the pier. I’m talking about one you gotta go down an alley and negotiate with some guy with no teeth…That’s too much?”

ANDRE: “October’s my month. I’m like the Reggie Jackson of hookups in October.”

ANDRE: “It’s not creepy. It’s an APP! Costs a buck!”

KEVIN: “It’s just like a slow, creepy Rufenol coming around your shoulder…”

TACO: “It’s like that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, except instead of a guy with a hook, we have a young monkey with a shared hatred for Andre’s taste in music.”

TACO: “You told me your favorite singer was Will Smith, so YES, it is your fault.”

RUXIN: “That girl is making a bigger mistake than playing Percy Harvin…right?”

KEVIN: “We’re about one step away from fantasy Saw.”

ANDRE: “She knows…a bit…about monkey curses?”

TACO: “I took him from the petting zoo, and I knowingly brought him into the musical Armageddon that is Andre’s car.”

KEVIN: “This sounds like the Pet Shop Boys are raping Erasure.”

RUXIN: “Ohhhh, Kevin…you get to go home to that.”

JENNY: “I have been humped enough tonight.”

Looking to the next episode: Let’s pick on someone besides Ruxin. He’s getting abused.

[ Jump to Episode 8: "The Tie" ]