5 Ways to Replace Monday Night Football During the NFL Lockout

The draft is over. The lockout continues. As of right now, we got no football. I’m getting cold sweats just thinking about it. But there’s another group that stands to lose if there’s no football this fall besides the coaches, players, and NFL fans — TV networks.

Without football, they’ll have to find someway to fill time on Sundays and Monday nights, and “Two and a Half Men” marathons just won’t cut it.

So where are our options? I dove into the talented depths of YouTube to find what could be our 2011 replacement for football. Here’s what you could expect to see on the airwaves instead of your beloved Week 1 matchup.

1. Sloths doing human things

I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound that interesting at first, but once you see a sloth holding an umbrella like it’s expecting rain and looking at you with those slothy sloth eyes, you get it. And they can follow it up with a “Real Sloths of Orange County” or “Real Sloths of Dallas” once the first season has run its course. People love watching animals do things that humans do.

2. Babies who fear normal human behavior

Blowing your nose can sometimes be an uncomfortable experience. I’ve almost launched a lung through my nose on at least one occasion. So I get this baby’s irrational fear of his mother’s nose-blowing. But they’re going to have to do better than that if they want to carry the 18-45 male demo in this time slot.

3. Extreme Cooking with Epic Meal Time

Speaking of that 18-45 male demographic, here’s your real winner. Take a little bit from the Iron Chef playbook, a little bit from the fat man’s guide to continuing to be fat, and alcohol, and you get Epic Meal Time, a YouTube experience that just reminds you of the way momma used to cook. You know, before she stopped drinking…

4. Slow-motion modeling

I think we can safely say that they wouldn’t lose any viewership replacing football with this. Female fans would easily be replaced by an influx of former NFL fans who felt that TV never showed the cheerleaders enough.

5. The UFL

While it is the most logical replacement for true, NFL football, would you be satisfied by the UFL? Would Daunte Culpepper and Brooks Bollinger excite you as much as a Tom Brady and Peyton Manning showdown?

We can only hope. Until the lockout is over, these are some of our best options from the world of entertainment. Could we build a fantasy game on top of these? Of course! And if it was fantasy extreme cooking, I’m taking bacon first overall ten out of ten times.

Pick your poison. Which of these options would you choose to replace our beloved NFL football this season?

Foolish Thoughts: Magical phone refresh voodoo makes Vernon Davis score touchdowns

I got stuck watching the New England Patriots abuse the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond in London during the early games. I thought we sent this game overseas so that no one here would have to watch it?

While the action was riveting, oh, so riveting, I found myself checking my fantasy football scores on my phone. About halfway through the early games, I noticed Vernon Davis had scored me a touchdown. Nice work. I went against the stats in starting him, but, as ESPN pointed out, the tight ends who had been shut down by the Texans weren’t exactly in the elite class.

So happy in my good choices, I hit refresh, only to discover that Davis had another touchdown. Now, at this point, I had not seen any cutaways to the San Francisco game yet to show me what was happening in Houston. All I knew is that every time I refreshed my phone, Vernon Davis scored a touchdown.

Oh, this is getting good. I was mopping my opponent with my early starters, and I’d discovered a magical wishing well of fantasy points.

So I refreshed again, getting greedy this time. And once again, touchdown. Had I discovered a voodoo trick for fantasy football? Would it work on anyone else besides Vernon Davis?

I had no idea what I was doing, but I found myself hitting refresh again. But this time, nothing. My fantasy luck had run out. Game over.

But next week, I’m definitely refreshing my phone a few times during the San Francisco game to see if I can get it to work again.

Dear Patrick Crayton, I’d be the first one to tell you, so here goes: Miles Austin is legit. Your best chance of getting back in the starting lineup is by replacing Roy Williams. Sadly, that might not be that hard to do with as many key passes as Williams dropped on Sunday.

The Cowboys finally looked like the team that won 13 games in 2007 again on Sunday, but it’s not time for celebration just yet. It’s still hard to trust Tony Romo, who has one of the hardest schedules of any quarterback in the league the rest of the way. As long as Miles Austin keeps scoring two touchdowns per game, that view on Romo may change.

Donald Brown went out with a shoulder injury and left Joseph Addai to share the load with Chad Simpson. If Brown misses any length of time, it would increase Addai’s value since Simpson’s no threat to cut into Addai’s touches, but this injury was minor. Expect Brown to be back on the field and scaring Addai’s fantasy owner this week.

Ryan Grant finally went off with 148 rushing yards and a touchdown against the Browns. Let me repeat that: Against the Browns. Green Bay won’t face pushover run defenses all season, but Grant abused this one when given the chance. The Packers remain a pass-first team, but Grant could see his usage rise as the weather turns colder. Don’t give up on him if you’ve holding onto him this long.

Steven Jackson had 134 rushing yards against the Colts. Maybe the Rams should just put him and the offensive line on the field together and run the flying V all day. Might make for some interesting football. The Rams certainly aren’t in their current incarnation.

What do Vernon Davis’ 93 yards and three touchdowns mean? It means he’s a legitimate every week starter. Davis has been a key part of this passing offense all year, and even with the addition of Michael Crabtree, he’ll get lots of looks. If nothing else, his chances at the goal line look very promising.

Speaking of Alex Smith, his three touchdowns and 206 yards in the second half seem to be more than just a lucky break off the bench. He faces the Colts this week, but moving forward, he’s go upside. Sometimes those bench-warming first-round draft picks pay off after all. Eh, Vince Young?

Owen Daniels. Best tight end in football? It’s possible.

Brett Favre loves him some Sidney Rice, proven by the 11 catches Rice took for 136 yards against the Steelers. Favre may not make many more big games out of these receivers, especially after his return-to-form breakdowns against Pittsburgh this week, but it’s never a bad idea to own his favorite target. Rice has definite talent, and skills the ability to hover five feet off the field until Favre can get him the ball.

The Steelers’ defense showed up late to the party against the Vikings, but at least they showed supreme mastery of the flying V in both their interception return and fumble return. If they can contain the beast inside of Adrian Peterson without run-stopper Aaron Smith, they can stop anyone. Feel confident if you have them as your defense at this point in the season. Very confident.

I think the league would be a better place if JaMarcus Russell were benched. I’d be interested to see two teams trade quarterbacks in a given week just to see whether it’s the quarterback or the team causing all the problems. Jason Campbell for Russell anyone? Jake Delhomme for Russell? Marc Bulger for Russell? That’s the kind of trade that could heat things up in a season where every team is great, very good or horrifyingly terrible.

Could the NFL just institute a takebacks trade option so that teams can exchange players for two weeks at a time? It’d be just like pickup football.

Andre Johnson has a lung contusion. I have no idea what that is, but I do know he spit up blood. Regardless, he doesn’t need lungs to play out of his mind against the Bills. The Buffalo secondary has been good, but top receivers can find a way. Jake Delhomme just gets paid to make secondaries like the Bills’ look good.

After losing Leon Washington for the season with a nasty broken fibula, the Jets put in Shonn Greene in garbage time to finish off the Raiders. That 144 yards and two touchdowns will likely draw a crowd on the waiver wire, but Greene probably won’t duplicate a performance like that until he starts to eat into Thomas Jones’ role as the lead back.

I’ve liked Greene all along this year. He’s big and hard-running, just like a little Marion Barber in the making, but the Jets have not sought to limit Jones or replace him with Greene just yet. For now, Greene is nothing more than an 8-10 carry guy to share the load with Jones and take garbage time. Still, he’s definitely worth stashing because of the strength of the Jets’ running game and the chance to eventually replace Jones if anything were to go down.

Carson Palmer looked like the Carson Palmer that dominated the league before his knee injury. Five touchdowns, two to Chad Ochocinco, have me hoping that he keeps that alive through the end of the season.

Palmer’s arm also opened things up for Cedric Benson, who took full advantage of the revenge bowl in Chicago with a career-high 189 yards and a touchdown. If Palmer had jacked all the touchdowns, Benson could have had more. The Bears just looked like they though they were playing last year’s Bengals.

Despite Benson’s beating, Ricky Williams won the spite battle this week with three touchdowns and just 80 rushing yards against his former team, the Saints. It’s not like Ricky has any bad blood. I’m pretty sure with the amount of pot he’s smoked, he’s made peace with everybody, including dead people, but he certainly wanted to win against the Saints on Sunday.

Unfortunately, the Saints took some 5-Hour Energy at halftime, woke up and realized they were behind. Then, Drew Brees went to work. The Saints defense returned two picks for touchdowns, again proving they are a legit fantasy defense as long as Darren Sharper is roaming around out there. I completely called Tracy Porter’s interception return at the end of the game, mostly because I needed it to win a fantasy football game this week, but you know.

Somehow I managed to make it through the entire Monday Night Football excitement of the Eagles and Redskins. In short, DeSean Jackson scored both rushing and receiving the football, and when he wasn’t in the game, neither was the Philadelphia offense. Brian Westbrook got knocked out. Chris Cooley broke his ankle and could be out for the season.

DeSean Jackson was scared he broke something, but after X-raying it, they determined that his only ailment was being awesome and unstoppable. Sometimes that feels like an injury when you play the Redskins I guess.

At what point do we consider farming the Redskins, Rams, Chiefs or Raiders out to the UFL?

Week 5 Hot Hands and Cold Shoulders: Pretty please, Braylon. Pretty Please.

I watched the UFL game last night, and it wasn’t even like the accidentally-left-it-on-that-channel kind of watch. I actually watched it. It was far more interesting than watching Missouri spank Nebraska in the rain.

J.P. Losman led the Las Vegas Locomotives, an engine of destruction, I’m told, to a come-from-behind victory against the California Redwoods, who really should consider either 1) changing their name or 2) getting Big Ben to be their quarterback if they want to be taken seriously.

Losman looked pretty rough to start the game, but he pulled it together and finished the game 21 of 31 with 226 passing yards and two touchdowns. Imagine what that would look like if his receivers were T.O. and Lee Evans? Sorry, Buffalo fans, let’s get away from that kind of talk…

Hot Hands Start of the Week

Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo Bills vs. Cleveland Browns
Did I mention that he’s back and that he got more receptions than Fred Jackson last week? That’s supposed to be Jackson’s expertise. If Lynch is encroaching on him there, I have to wonder how long Jackson can hold off Lynch from the majority of the touches.

Lynch has been successful against the Browns in the past, and the Browns are terrible this season against the run. The Bills would be smart to go easy on Trent Edwards in this one and lean on the running game since Edwards has done nothing but disappoint in his last two starts. While both are safer flex plays than starters, I like both Jackson and Lynch in this one.

Also receiving votes:

Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia Eagles vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Bucs are terrible at defending the pass this week, and McNabb returns to a team that Kevin Kolb turned into one of the hottest passing offenses in the league in the two games before the bye week. I know, no brainer, but sometimes people are slow to move on these things when players return from injury. I don’t care if McNabb is wearing a flak jacket and full SWAT gear out there, he’s starting.

Kevin Walter, WR, Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals: In what could be a nice little shootout, Kevin Walter should have a nice enough day. He finished last season as one of the most targeted players in the red zone, and he could make strides this week against a weak Arizona pass defense.

Pierre Garcon, WR, Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans: Oui, oui. He’s good to go for another week and Peyton Manning, destroyer of all that is playing the Colts, should tear the Titans and new one even if their starting cornerbacks return. Sucks to be a Titan fan right now. It really does.

Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Seattle Seahawks: Don’t you dare sit anyone on the Jaguars with two last names. Homey don’t play that!

Jerome Harrison, RB, Cleveland Browns vs. Buffalo Bills: Start all your backs in this one. Two of the leagues worst run defenses meet, and even if Mo Massaquoi has a less-than-impressive debut as the No. 1 for the Browns, Harrison should get plenty of catches and runs against the Bills. He’s got RB2 upside, but I’d like him better as a flex play. (Wouldn’t we all?)

Cold Shoulders Sit of the Week

Steve Slaton, RB, Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
Arizona’s actually been pretty good against the run this season, and Slaton hasn’t been involved enough in the passing game thus far for me to endorse him in this matchup. That’s why I’d avoid putting him in your lineup this week.

You may have to play him because of byes or because you drafted him so highly. That’s okay. Just don’t look for him to blow this one out of the park, especially if Chris Brown is healthy enough to play and steal just enough to carries to reduce Slaton’s chances for a touchdown.

Also receiving votes:

Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots vs. Denver Broncos: I have to admit, Brady is a scary start this week against the Broncos, who haven’t allowed a passing touchdown yet this year, but I give Randy Moss and Tom Brady the best shot of breaking that streak. If you don’t have an amazing QB2 matchup, I’d still start Brady, which I am in at least one league this week.

Cadillac Williams, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles: Philly had a whole bye week to rest up and prepare for Caddy and the Bucs. I’m actually concerned he might get his knee banged up in this one, especially with Derrick Ward already hurting. My guess is that this game gets out-of-hand early, and the Bucs are forced to go to the air to make something happen. Josh Johnson could have more rushing yards than Caddy. For that reason, I’m staying away if I have better options.

Kyle Orton, QB, Denver Broncos vs. New England Patriots: Those passes last week were ugly. Take away the pass that should have been intercepted by Anthony Spencer and Brandon Marshall’s hard work to get to the end zone with that last one, and Orton has no touchdowns last week. I know the same could be said for any quarterback when you take away both their touchdown passes, but that’s not the point. I’m making a point! Orton got very lucky. Bill Belichick does not allow lucky. In fact, he kills leprechauns. I heard Belichick wakes up every morning and stomps out a box of Lucky Charms like it killed his mother. That’s before he cuts off his sweatshirt sleeves and slaps himself in the face for 15 minutes to get a nice brood going before he starts the day.

Terrell Owens, WR, Buffalo Bills vs. Cleveland Browns: He’s going to go off now that I’ve listed him here, but Owens terrible start to the season isn’t giving me any confidence in him this week, even against the Browns. As I’ve said before, keep him on your bench until he does something, or expect only WR3 numbers from him in this one. If you’re forced to start him this week due to byes, good luck.

Justin Gage, WR, Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts: He’s getting passed up by fellow receivers Nate Washington and Kenny Britt. Also, Kerry Collins has never thrown a touchdown against the Colts. Bad sign, if you asked me.

Sleeper of the Week

Braylon Edwards, WR, New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins
This is just selfish, completely and totally selfish. In one of my leagues, a nice trade opportunity forced me to acquire Braylon Edwards, and bye weeks will force me to start him this week against the Dolphins. I don’t know how long it will take Edwards to pick up the offense. Word is that he’s taking to it quickly, but that doesn’t mean the Jets will look to him early and often on Monday night.

Edwards has stepped his game up on Monday night in the past, so maybe, just maybe this sleeper pick will work out for me? All I need is WR3-level production out of the guy. Pretty please, Braylon?

Let’s hope it works out for me.

As always, the comments are yours. Who are you struggling with sitting or starting this week? Post it up, and let the foolish community give you some fantasy assistance.

For more fantasy starts and sits, check out the Fantasy Football Librarian link collections, The Fantasy Football Geek Blog, The Hazean, Fantasy Football Goat, FF Toolbox’s starts and sits, Fanhouse’s rankings and Matthew Berry’s Love/Hate this week.