The League S03E08: Thanksgiving brings family together (for tur-guinea)

Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman?! It truly is a time for Thanksgiving. And this year, we give thanks for awkward family reunions (and guinea pigs).

To celebrate the season, Ellie volunteered to take care of the class guinea pig over the Thanksgiving break. Personally, I think it’s never a good idea for a kid to take care of the class pet over the holidays. All too often, it results in two scenarios:

  1. The class pet dies, either of natural causes or the home environment
  2. The kid who takes care of the pet likes it so much that they want to keep it or get another pet of their own to replace it when it’s gone.

It’s lose-lose, in my opinion, but that’s what Kevin and Jenny are in for when Ellie volunteers to take care of Shakespeare.

In anticipation of the holiday season, the league has all made a “fat bet,” a competition based upon how much weight they can lose before Turkey Day and how much they exercise. Included in the bet, any man who doesn’t exercise for at least 30 minutes each day pays $50 into the pot.

That’s probably one of the most ambitious challenges I’ve heard of for a holiday. I hope none of my friends every propose that idea.

Ruxin’s been dominating the competition thus far (although as with many things Ruxin, all does not seem to be fair in this competition). But he falls down to earth a bit when, instead of having the house to himself for his “house hotel” the week of Thanksgiving, Ruxin ends up running into his dad, who was also trying to get out of spending the holidays with family.

Together, the two holiday bachelors decide to spend Thanksgiving together, but each admits they were planning on doing it their way. And they do.

So Ruxin’s dad (who also goes by Ruxin rather than Rupert but, for the sake of clarity, will be called Rupert) runs every morning with Ruxin’s “fat bet” pedometer while Ruxin spares no lotion in choking the chicken while the missus is away.

There’s something about Jeff Goldblum talking about the realities of the human spirit and our desire to watch porn on the big screen TV (Full volume!) that just warms the heart. Don’t you agree?

The gang also gets a visit from Andre’s older sister, Heather (Sarah Silverman), who taught all of them (and by proxy, Andre) everything they know about sex. Her presence and voice-inside-the-ear on Andre about all the things the guys make fun of him for leaves him feeling out-of-place during the Thanksgiving festivities.

In another bid to make a fortune, Taco has invested in a white truffle. Despite Taco’s best efforts, not even Andre will pay him more than his costs, regardless of how many “business lessons” he tries to share.

By meal time, the league members have gathered together, Ruxin’s dad and Heather in tow, to celebrate Thanksgiving at the MacArthur house. After the fat bet weigh-in and totals are finalized, which Ruxin wins easily thanks to his father’s running, they all settle down to eat, but not before Pete gets approached by Heather.

While Pete explains his need for food before he satisfies Heather, they accidentally bump Shakespeare’s cage, freeing the guinea pig to roam. By the time Kevin and Jenny come by to feed him, the creature’s long gone, taking Taco’s white truffle with him. (Who puts a truffle in a playroom?)

Resolving to go on like nothing has happened, Jenny serves dinner, and it goes off without a hitch — well, other than a palette cleanse turned lesson in female fellatio lesson — up until it’s time for turkey, which turns out to be a tur-guinea. (Don’t worry! They found Shakespeare.)

As everyone flees the dining room in an attempt to cleans themselves of the guinea pig they’ve just consumed, Ruxin, Andre, and Taco come face to face with Ruxin’s father Rupert’s vinegar strokes when they discover him balls deep in Heather, who couldn’t wait any longer for Pete.

Talk about families coming together, right?

Memorable quotes from Episode 8:

KEVIN: “He’s vermin.”

KEVIN: “Near the food? Good God, woman, that’s how the plague started.”

RUXIN [on Kevin’s “eater high”]: “You mean diabetes?”

RUXIN: “I’m going to have my house to myself, where I can roll around my house like an anonymous man in a hotel room.”

RUXIN: “I’ve been collecting those hotel-sized moisturizer bottles just getting ready.”

RUXIN: “Why would I use Noxzema?”
ANDRE: “‘Cause it’s cold and tingly like a girl’s vagina.”

RUXIN: “It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here. Congratulations on that.”

KEVIN [to Andre]: “Did you meet him on Craigslist or are his intentions honorable?”

RUXIN: “Andre, and I say this fondly, your sister was such an unrelenting slutbag.”

RUXIN: “I’m pretty sure the facials were going towards her, Andre.”

RUXIN: “Think I’m gonna do about 5 miles today.”

RUPERT: “Well, look at you, you little homunculus. Without any pants. No shoes. Like a man who’s just fled from a carnival. You know, you look a bit pale. Some would say pasty. I say like a freshly peeled apple.”

RUPERT: “Continue with this homoerotic competition talk. It’s more than delightful.”

ANDRE: “You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.”

ANDRE: “…That’s why mescal never tasted the same.”

RUXIN: “Full disclosure? We’re both adults. I was here to watch the Playboy Channel.”
RUPERT: “Bullshit.”
RUXIN: “I was gonna watch something filthier. Not on my laptop. Everything is at your fingers on a laptop, but no, you wanna watch it…”
RUPERT: “On a TV! Full volume!”
RUXIN: “Full volume! Not hidden away like Anne Frank in the attic whispering, you know.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, he’s running so much he’s now walking funny.”

KEVIN: “Here’s the church. Here’s the steeple. Open the doors, and just eat all the people.”
HEATHER: “Nose, nose, nose…”

TACO: “Yeah, we were playing Sister Invader.”

KEVIN: “Yeah, Seven Minutes in Heather.”

HEATHER: “He was taught by the best, this guy.”

JENNY: “…No, we don’t go to church.”

PETE: “We do have a quorum.”
KEVIN: “Never…again.”

HEATHER: “No, they’re shit-talking. You’re shit-taking.”

RUXIN: “Bro, it’s all muscle.”

ANDRE: “No, it’s called a belly band.”

RUXIN: “Hehe. Postpartum girdle!”

HEATHER: “Go tide yourself over. I’ll meet you in 8 minutes. We’ll ‘go to the bathroom,’ but really, you’ll lick my vagina.”

KEVIN: “And I want to take you to church. I just get confused. Sometimes I pull up, and I’m sweaty already. I’m not exactly sure which door to go into, alright?”

KEVIN: “Look, there’s truffle shavings. He dragged it out like a lion ripping out a gazelle. If we were a restaurant, they would shut us down. They would give us a D…”

KEVIN: “Like Helen Keller!”

TACO: “That’s why I had sex with her yesterday…I hate sexual tension.”

JENNY: “You just gently take a little lick…Cleanse your palette.”

HEATHER: “Kevin, just let the sorbet know you’re there with the heat of your breath.”

TACO: “I don’t really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.”

KEVIN: “I’m never going to be able to eat sorbet like that.”

RUXIN: “I feel like I’m watching my own birth.”

ANDRE: “Can we get a palette cleanser for our palette cleanser?”

RUXIN: “You fed us goddamn guinea pig like some Peruvian street urchin?!”

JENNY: “It’s a tur-guinea!”

ANDRE: “I just saw your dad’s vinegar strokes.”
TACO: “I saw into his soul. Not good.”

I just might have to change my fantasy football team name to “The Twilight: Breaking Dawn-dres.” Thoughts?

The League S02E10: Time for a “High School Reunion”

High school reunions are a special kind of awful. No one really wants to see their old classmates. If they did, they’d arrange to meet up with them on their own.

People go to their high school reunion is to prove they are better than their high school selves. You go, as Ruxin so aptly put it just a few episodes ago, to show your friends that you’re better than they are. The league is no different.

In fact, a fantasy football draft is a form of a reunion. You come back, year after year, to either 1) waive your championship trophy around or 2) prove you’re better than the team you drafted last season by starting fresh.

In the case of The League, Ruxin found himself a hot wife. Andre’s got a baller job and the Benjamins to match. Kevin’s a successful lawyer with a family, which I guess is impressive. And even though we can’t really tell what Pete does for a living, at least he appears able to land dates since his divorce. Of course, Pete does have those fantasy championships under his belt.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a “High School Reunion.”

Pete wants a new trophy, a last place trophy to celebrate the terribleness of the most horrible team in the league.

But before they can name said trophy, Andre announces the upcoming North Winnetka High School reunion. He’s been looking forward to this opportunity to rub his success in the faces of the former classmates that abused and walked all over him, but no one else cares to attend.

Enter Frank “The Body,” also a fellow classmate.

Frank just happens to go to the same barbershop as Ruxin, and in their a combative exchange, Frank brags about having a hot wife, Miss Kiev 2004, and explains why Ruxin was called “The Herdsman” in high school. SPOILER ALERT: Ruxin used to date the chubby girls.

Ruxin claims he became “The Herdsman” only because he was less shallow than the rest of the league, but Pete’s description of Ruxin as a hyena, taking any scraps of meat that he could find, seems more like the Ruxin we know and love.

After his run-in with Frank, Ruxin’s determined to bring his very hot wife to the reunion to prove her existence. So Pete makes a game out of it. The league members agree to go to the reunion in order to name the newly-created last place trophy after the worst person they find there.

Back at Taco HQ, Taco catches a piggy bank to the face mid-sexing and explains the battle wound to the guys as a casualty of his “vinegar strokes,” another one for The League lexicon.

Vinegar Strokes — The point during a sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes a face like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose. As Kevin puts it, a bee could be stinging your eyeball, but you gotta finish.

According to Taco, if you look into a man’s eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul, but, strangely, no one among the league has ever seen another man’s vinegar strokes to prove this theory. Thus, a new Taco obsession is born.

At Andre’s, Taco shows Andre a DVD of his attempt at filming his own vinegar strokes that just so happens to take place all over Andre’s apartment and, more specifically, right on the desk at which Andre sits.

By the way, how does Taco get into everyone else’s place? I would change my locks…

Taco explains that he is putting together his masterpiece, his vinegar strokes symphony, and wants to complete it before his high school reunion. But unable to capture his own vinegar strokes, Taco asks if he can watch Andre have sex.

You just can’t count on your buddies anymore these days.

At the reunion, the very first person Andre runs into tells him how sorry she is to hear about what happened to him. He finds that his perfectly-crafted bio has been ruined with an even more fictional addition about Andre getting sack-tapped so hard that he lost a testicle and had a nudicle implanted in its place. Now Andre won’t be able to tell anyone that the nudicle is a lie without creating suspicion about the rest of his masterfully crafted bio and success story. Kevin truly is evil.

Ruxin and Sofia arrive dressed like Barbie and Ken and showing plenty of PDA. She leaves Ruxin only for a second to get drinks, but that’s long enough for him to get stuck with one of his more “Herdsman” ex-girlfriends and for Frank “The Body” to swoop in to introduce his model wife.

Lucky for Ruxin, Sofia returns to save his pride. The burn of seeing Sophia, a true hot wife, sends Frank running for Andre to ask about plastic surgery to get his “6” wife up to an “8.” (You get what you pay for when you import.)

Not to be left out, Taco attends the reunion as well, even though he wasn’t in the same class as the rest of the guys. Taco’s there for a different reason–vinegar strokes. After all, reunions are always a place for “sexing” and bad decisions.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Pete single out “Box of Frogs,” the guy who broke into Pete’s mom’s car, had sex, and left the condom on the steering wheel, as the No. 1 contender for the loser trophy name. Pete ends up at the bar talking to “Box of Frogs” Stu, who offers him a six-figure job finding and securing local bands for Stu’s music website. Even though Pete loves the sound of this job…he won’t get it. And this will also be Kevin’s fault.

While tearing up the dance floor to the quietest dance music ever and singing his own song entitled “Look At How Hot My Wife Is,” Ruxin confesses his fantasy of having sex in a high school to Sofia. Whether it’s the hot wife thing going to her head or just the punch, Sophia agrees. Clearly, the rich just get richer.

Those two immediately slip away, but Ruxin stops to remove a “Ruxin Call Me!” sign from the school mascot, a bull, and unknowingly unlocks the fence that’s holding the bull at bay.

Pete, being that mature individual that he is, chose to think over the job Box of Frogs offered him while smashing Box of Frogs’ window and hanging a used condom that he “made” from the steering wheel. But in the midst of explaining this victory to Kevin, Shiva, and Andre, Shiva drops a bomb on Pete.

Kevin was actually the one who had sex in Pete’s mother’s car…with Shiva. Shiva took Kevin’s V-card. And Kevin was so excited when he finished that he kicked through the window and screamed her full name. So the first Shiva blast was Kevin’s vinegar strokes.

Pete tries to undo the damage he’s done, but he runs into Box of Frogs a minute (and a clean-up job) too late.

In search of the roaming bull, all the reunion guests start wandering the school and end up walking in on Ruxin’s vinegar strokes with Sofia while the bull, which found its way to them, watches and while Taco films what he hopes is Ruxin’s soul.

Unfortunately, we’ll never know if there was really a soul inside there.

After the events of the reunion, Pete decides the last place trophy will be called “The Sacko,” named after a bull scrotum in honor of the league itself. And that’s fitting because the league members themselves are the worst people he knows.

Memorable quotes from Episode 10

RUXIN: “Pete, do you have anything to fill your sad existence of a life besides fantasy football?”
PETE: “Absolutely not…do you guys?”

PETE: “It should be wrong to have this thing. I mean, literally, like showing up on an airplane with a tuna fish sandwich.”

RUXIN: “I see all the people from high school that I wanna see, and I don’t even enjoy that.”

KEVIN: “Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.”

PETE: “That is how we embrace. Ridicule.”
KEVIN: “Yeah. And shame.”

ANDRE: “The vest WORKS. You seen Mark Harmon on NCIS lately? It works.

TACO: “High school reunions are like office parties except, the next day, you don’t have to see the other person at work. Trust me, mistakes will be made tonight. People will be sexing. And when they do, I’ll be there to capture it!”

[ Jump to Episode 11: “Ramona Neopolitano” ]