• The League S03E04: Kevin’s Ol’ Smoke Crotch and Golden Gating with Rafi

    by  • December 1, 2011 • Culture • 4 Comments

    Andre explains his use of "dick spit"

    It seems Ruxin’s finally paying for all his misdeeds this season…or could it be that there’s a Madden curse hex on the champion of the league? Andre did get a taste of his own medicine when he defiled the trophy after winning the last year.

    So far in Ruxin’s reign, his son has missed his chance to go to Jewish preschool when Andre’s Sacko porn debuted a tad too early, and now Pete’s sleeping with his au pair under his own roof. It all gets even worse for Ruxin this week as he’s left with Baby Geoffrey just long enough for his son to eat an ice cube (“No water cookies!”) from the urinal and become “forever unclean.”

    What did he do to deserve this? Oh, wait…it’s Ruxin.

    Everyone’s getting older, and part of dealing with that is handling the pee. The older you get, as a guy, the harder it gets (I have to assume) to actually get pee in the toilet and not all over yourself.

    Each of the guys is dealing with this issue in their own way — Taco with his own “Taco Marked” pee bib, Ruxin by trying to rub the pee of his pants (and getting caught in a compromising position by Ashley in the process) — but it’s Kevin who deals with something even worse than a little trickle.

    Kevin finds a white pube.

    In doing some product testing for Taco’s pee bib concept, a leftover cocktail napkin from Kevin and Jenny’s wedding, Kevin finds a dreaded white hair on the napkin.

    It’s the saddest moment in a man’s life when he realizes his days are limited. He’s not immortal. He’s not going to live forever. The pubes will not always be fire crotchety…or brown…or whatever your color may happen to be.

    Someday, we’ll all have a smoke crotch.

    But Kevin finds his first white pube and is immediately disturbed. He already has a complex around the other guys in the league. Sure, he has more hair than Andre, more money than Pete, more success than Taco, and more of his soul than Ruxin, but it’s hard to remind yourself of that when confronted with your own white pube, especially with the type of conversations that are taking place these days within the league circle.

    Pete’s busying the guys with talk of his sexual renaissance with Ashley the Au Pair and trying to solve the mystery of the “Golden Gate” sexual position she wants to try. No one has a clue, although it’s safe to rule out it’s not having sex and then jumping off a bridge. Andre’s former lady friend didn’t have a name for that one when she did it.

    Little does Pete know that a “Golden Gate” involves Rafi, who Ruxin invites into his house to scare out Ashley the Au Pair when she seizes power after catches Ruxin allegedly whacking it to her application photo.

    Ruxin gets Caught by Ashley the Au Pair

    By the way, there’s the answer to the question we’ve always asked, “Who does the devil make a deal with when the devil can’t get something done?” Rafi.

    To Pete’s credit, the “Golden Gate” Ashley wanted to do with Rafi doesn’t seem to appear under the name “Golden Gate” in any resource I found. (Those links are NSFW, in case you were wondering.)

    Needless to say, Pete bailed out of his relationship with Ashley and left her to Rafi once he finally found out how to make the “bridge” for a “Golden Gate.” But a single Ashley gives Ruxin more problems.

    So, in the matter of the white pube, it’s up to Kevin to solve his problem on his own. Andre reaches out to him, without really knowing that Kevin’s crotch hair is the real problem, and the two go to the spa together to rejuvenate. There, Kevin finds many an uncomfortable moment with Andre’s half-nude body and awkward closeness, but he also finds hope…and an eyebrow wax.

    It’s not until after the spa (and after Taco, on his own, stumbles across one of Kevin’s white pubes and, thus, his secret) that Kevin decides that something must be done.

    On Sunday, with the rest of the league downstairs discussing the merits of Taco’s Taco Marked pee bib prototype, Kevin takes the brown dye (but isn’t he a redhead?) to his down under so that he can look and feel young and virile once again.

    In his rush to get back to the gang downstairs while they harass him for taking so long in the bathroom, Kevin reaches for the blow dryer. And that somehow manages to catch his crotch on fire.

    So instead of “ol’ smoke crotch,” Kevin got the real thing — an old, smokey crotch. That is, once he put the flames out on his firecrotch with Taco’s pee bibs.

    So many questions. Will he let Andre do the reconstructive surgery? Will Rafi stop banging Ashley in Ruxin’s house? Will Ruxin ever figure out which corner was Rafi’s pee corner?

    We may never know. Or we might find out next week.

    Memorable quotes from Episode 4:

    RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire.”

    RUXIN: “Baby Geoffrey, FOREVER UNCLEAN!”

    RUXIN: “I will legally take care of him because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.”

    KEVIN: “This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.”

    KEVIN: “Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old, and it hasn’t even lived yet.”

    RUXIN: “I’m not a disgusting pig. I peed on myself.”

    RUXIN: “…I fed him turkey chili for lunch. Oh, that crib’s gonna be a war zone.”

    KEVIN [on Golden Gate]: “I think it’s code for anal.”
    PETE: “Oh, we don’t use code words for that.”

    RUXIN: “You think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?”

    ANDRE: “Look, we all have our little secrets. For example…[whispers]…I’m losing my hair.”

    RAFI: “That means my wiener needs to be out.”

    RAFI: “Can you just say the word ‘yes’? Just say it out loud!”
    ASHLEY: “Yes…”
    RAFI [to Ruxin]: “CONSENT! You heard it. You’re a lawyer.”

    RAFI: “Yeah, I’m going to court-martial her…vagina…with my wiener.”

    Rafi chooses a pee corner at Ruxin's house

    RUXIN: “There’s no pee corner.”
    RAFI: “No, I know what I do. You know what I mean? Like, I’m going to use that as my pee corner, and I’m going to use this as my slop basket.”

    ANDRE: “You ever swallow your own spit? It’s the same idea. Same idea as spit! … It’s dick spit. Come on!”

    RUXIN: “…I’m sorry for interrupting you.”
    RAFI: “You’re watching it happen right now.”

    RUXIN: “Facial?”
    ALL: “…Okay. [and the requisite bowing]”

    TACO: “You look like a china doll of Kevin.”

    TACO: “What about Casper the Friendly Pube? Was he there?”

    PETE: “Come on, Kevin. Where there was fire, there’s smoke…crotch.”

    RAFI: “We’re building a bridge!”

    PETE: “Too much hair on the bridge. It’s a hairy bridge!”

    RAFI: “Oh, dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian’s so my dick is TERRIFYING!”

    PETE: “No golden gating. I hate San Francisco. I’m dropping Vernon Davis, and…uh…” [runs out of bedroom]

    KEVIN: “I’m on the toilet, babe. It’s complicated.”
    JENNY: “You’re disgusting. I love you. Good luck.”

    RAFI: “I already heard all the details because Rafi broke into the shower while I was in there, told me the story, and then, purely based off instinct, tried to shiv me.”

    TACO: “97 percent of the time, the pee bib worked…unless I had an erection…”

    TACO: “Leave the ideas to the IDEA man.”

    RUXIN: “I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you?”
    JENNY: “He doesn’t do that…anymore.”

    TACO: “Hey, Santa Cock! Are you dreaming of a white Dickmas?”

    RAFI: “I feel like I just got milked.”

    RAFI: “Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty f**king classy.”

    RUXIN: “Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”

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