• The League S03E10: The Light of Genesis be with you, praise be

    by  • December 15, 2011 • Culture • 3 Comments

    Ruxin is an evil soul, but even those most evil of forces cannot be denied salvation.

    Ruxin with The Oracle

    Ruxin finds it himself and a possible deliverance from fantasy suffering when a chance encounter with the brethren of The Light of Genesis, arranged by Pete as part of a prank war between he and Ruxin, exposes him to their incredible wealth of fantasy knowledge and sources.

    Much like “The Oracle” from Season 1, all those untouched by the forces of sin and women make the best fantasy football gurus. As such, the cult is a hive mind of oracles that has matured and learned from mistakes for years — all to aid Ruxin in setting the perfect fantasy lineup.

    Who needs “lineup nirvana” when you have a cult on your side?

    It’s been several episodes since we’ve gotten an update on how everyone’s fantasy football team was doing this season. Given his lineup nirvana problems, we can only assume Ruxin was doing poorly at the beginning of the season, but it seems he’s back on track, especially with his new cult friends in play.

    If  you need further confirmation, Jenny does worry in this episode that they’ll have another year of the reign of Ruxin.

    But Jenny’s real problem is her need at running back. When Kevin won’t give her a running back in exchange for bacon, she gets creative and plots her way into a great trade. Her Plan B involves a temporary tattoo and a very easy to manipulate Andre into betraying her.

    Andre, even more gullible than usual, falls for the entire ruse without suspecting a thing (so ye be warned, these are the tricky ways of women, brothers) and hands over both Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy for a chance — just a chance — to salvage his friendship with Jenny.

    Over-analyzing the reality of this for just a second, I don’t see how this trade would ever get league approval, even in a league in which only the commish had veto power. It doesn’t look like Jenny even offers Andre any players in return, and McCoy is the No. 1 running back in fantasy this season.

    But let’s not get too into the nitty-gritty. This is, after all, a comedy.

    So the trade works, and Jenny gets exactly what she needed to save her chances for a shot at the Shiva. She might have just become the No. 1 contender with McCoy falling into her lap — or should I say pleasure chest?

    Kevin attacks Eliza Dushku from behind

    While his competitors focus on their fantasy rosters this week, Kevin’s distracted because he suspects his Krav Maga instructor, played by Eliza Dushku, is hitting on him in class.

    His first clue might have been the forced breast palming she leads him into while using him as the class volunteer, but the hand jibber she gives him while demonstrating the “lever” confirms it.

    True Krav Maga looks far more intense and lot less like third base. Also, this.

    Unfortunately, Kevin can’t convince anyone else in the league, not even Jenny, that the attraction is real.

    He even begins to doubt her advances are real himself, until a mugger attacks Kevin and his teacher after class, and Kevin demonstrates the “lever” his teacher used on him on the mugger to no avail.

    His Krav Maga teacher admits she was hitting on him, but no one law-abiding was there to see it. A tree falling in the forest makes no sound.

    With Ruxin determined to join the brethren of The Light of Genesis in order to abuse their fantasy knowledge, the entire gang gets together to stop and/or save Ruxin from becoming one of the fantasy enlightened.

    They all manage to get inside the temple and get prime seats for Ruxin’s “baptism” into the cult. But Ruxin will not be swayed from the path. At least, not at first.

    When one of the prerequisites for membership read during his baptism states that Ruxin must forsake all other leagues outside of The Light of the Genesis, Ruxin breaks and Shiva Blasts his way out of there.

    He even gets a little evil Ruxin eye bulge in for good measure during his Shiva Blast.

    Ruxin's Shiva Blast in The Light of Genesis

    No one wants to restrict themselves to just one fantasy football league, especially when that one league is composed of guys who don’t drink or touch women.

    What are those message boards like? And how sad is that draft day? Do you, at least, get to nap between picks?

    So life in the league should continue as usual with Ruxin returning to the one true league, the league of Shiva.

    Not to be too distracted with rescuing a friend, Taco manages to launch another business idea — possibly his best one yet — when he stumbles upon a lifetime supply of ties at The Light of Genesis temple to “obtain” as inventory for Neckflix, the Netflix for ties.

    We’ll have to see how long this business lasts, but on the plus side, someone’s already registered the domain name.

    But did they Taco Mark it?

    Memorable quotes from Episode 10:

    TACO: “Yeah, it’s Krav Maga. I’ve taken classes before. You do all that stuff, and then they blow you in the bathroom.”
    KEVIN: “No, no, there’s no blow jobs.”
    TACO: “No, you’re not doing Krav Maga.”

    RUXIN: “That’s bump and run. That’s bump and run. Enjoy the sport.”

    TACO: “It’s sex with someone else. That has nothing to do with Jenny.”

    RUXIN: “I feel like regular donkey talk is too broad of a topic.”

    TACO: “Neckflix — Netflix…but for neckties”

    TACO: “What about the live rocking horse? Thirty dollars of wood, a hammer, and some nails turns that useless horse into a beloved children’s toy.”

    LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [on when Pettigrew gets hurt]: “Oh, just this morn, but Tony Scheffler will heed the call.”

    LIGHT OF GENESIS JULIAN [on fantasy football]: “It’s our one clean vice. Praise be.”

    JENNY [on Kevin's "lot to offer"]: “Which is the problem…So you go to that class and get less fat.”

    ANDRE: “You want to get this Little Miss ‘A’ Cup into a ‘C’ Cup. Am I right?”

    ANDRE: “How much was this in use if you needed to advertise it as a location stop on your body…?”

    KEVIN [to Pete after Krav Maga K.O.]: “Knocked your ass OUT, son!”

    RUXIN: “So what exactly constitutes a stroke? Like, are we talking like when you’re sitting in the couch and you do a lift and separate?”
    KEVIN: “Oh, no. That’s a classic rerack — that’s involuntary.”

    PETE: “Is that what we think Krav Maga is? The old Israeli art of hand jibber to hand jibber combat?”

    RUXIN [on Andre's secret]: “Oooh, I know — Andre in a woman’s vagina!”

    RUXIN: “And as the Lord turns his all-seeing eye onto the Carolina’s backfield this week, do you think it’s praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be DeAngelo Williams?”

    TACO: “See ya, weird guys!”

    RUXIN: “Yeah, I think they’re beyond salvation just like the 49ers defense! Hehe…Seriously, what’s going on with 49ers defense?”

    KEVIN [to Ruxin]: “You look like a guy that gets beat up by the Mormons.”

    RUXIN: “My brothers are God’s fantasy warriors.”

    RUXIN: “Cult is such a pejorative term like ‘creep’ or ‘Andre.’”

    TACO: “Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer Ruxin to write this down…”

    TACO: “There is no higher power than Taco Corp.”

    RUXIN: “Peace be with you, my brothers, and also with backup Buffalo running back C.J. Spiller.”

    JENNY: “I am hurt. I am betrayed. I want Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy.”

    LIGHT OF GENESIS GABRIEL [to Julian]: “I like how you watch over me when I dream, and I like the tiny shoulders that surround your head.”

    PETE: “I’ll pinky on that.”

    TACO: “I’ll just finger myself, thank you.”

    TACO: “Thank you, Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and to a lesser extent, Mike Rutherford. I forgive you guys for We Can’t Dance.”

    RUXIN [to Light of Genesis Gabriel during baptism]: “You have hair like a lady.”

    RUXIN: “I am in one cult, and it is the cult of Shiva. And I’m the Grand Poobah of that mutha!”

    KEVIN [while uncomfortable around his Krav Maga teacher]: “I sweat a lot. I mean, not just in class, but like, right now. When I get home, sometimes I’m so tired, I won’t even shower. I just lay in my own filth.”

    KEVIN: “How are you supposed to drive two cars?”

    KEVIN: “I’m just gonna go back to Zumba at the Y. It’s more my speed. But thank so much for all the material for my yank bank.”

    Ruxin and The Oracle image via fuckyeahtheleague.tumblr.com

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    Jacob started Fantasy Football Fools in 2007 as a outlet for all the fantasy football conversations he couldn't have in-person. Since then, well...it's only gotten worse.

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    • Dotson

      “I don’t see how this trade would ever get league approval,…”

      That’s exactly what I was yelling at the TV when I watched this episode!

      • http://twitter.com/jacobsloan Jacob Sloan

        Yeah, I’m not sure that would have gotten approved in most leagues, but like I said, sometimes The League is best enjoyed as a comedy without worrying about the realities of a fantasy league and whether a trade/pickup could have actually taken place in a real fantasy football league.

    • http://twitter.com/jacobsloan Jacob Sloan

      I’m sure Taco is contacting his consiglerie Ruxin as we speak.